I'm sorry man, but that was the funniest damn thing I have read in a very long time. Extra points for so eloquently wording that story.

It was the most beautiful toilet I have ever seen in my life.

Tell me an embarrassing training/racing story so I feel like less of a freak. Oh, and have a great day!

Tell me an embarrassing training/racing story so I feel like less of a freak. Oh, and have a great day!

Dude, I have too many stories of this and they are way to graphic for the internet. Only available in person, usually when coupled with a beer or 3.

My stories usually start with:
1) So this one time before a hard brick, my buddy and I go to Ikea and eat Swedish meatballs with gravy...
2) So before my long run I realize I haven't eaten yet and decide to eat a couple of slices of pizza that were left out overnight...
3) So half way thru my run I decide to drink a muscle milk....
4) I can't believe I was only 10 feet from my bathroom door....
5) For some reason I decided not to wear socks or bring wipey's with me...
6) While being a vegan for 2 years, I once ate a large amount of fruit salad with a lot of pineapple before a long run...

I remember the day this happened to me. I will never forget it.

I had eaten Mexican food before my run. I was only planning on doing 6 miles. The lake near my house has a nice paved 3 mile run loop through the woods. The first mile I felt fine. The second mile, I could feel some gas building up. The trail is saturated with people. By people, I mean lots of women and a few men. A 10:1 ratio almost. A lot of these girls went to the same university I did. Here I am at mile 2 and the bathroom is located at mile 3. My stomach is furious. It was unhappy that I had given it such delicious Mexican food and then I bounced it around for 2 miles.

I felt such an intense pressure in my bowels. I tried to fart it out. It was such a huge pressure relief. Trying to fart while running around a bunch of girls and moms is not an easy process. Stealth farts only work for a bit.

The pressure is now gone. I'm jogging again and suddenly my stomach just punches me hard and goes, yep, it's time for you to take one massive shit. I was terrified. I'm at mile 2 with 1 mile to go. There's people everywhere.

My first thought is jump in the lake and just let it out. But then, that would look weird. People would be wondering why this random guy is in the lake. I tried to walk. Have you ever tried to walk while holding back a massive flood of shit? I looked awful walking and the looks people gave me let me know they knew. They could see the terror in my eyes.

I was looking for my girlfriend. I was hoping she wouldn't find me in such a bad situation. I tried farting to relieve some pressure and felt some slippage. Fear turned to panic. I knew I wouldn't make it.

I stopped walking and stood looking at the lake. My stomach was making horrible noises and I was in pain. People were passing me oblivious to the shit storm that was coming.

Then, I saw the tree. THE TREE. The one tree that would save me. I walked fast up to this glorious, wonderful tree and it looked big enough to shield me from the runners. I had a quick decision to make. Do I unload on this poor tree or keep walking and hope for the best? I timed it just right. There weren't any runners around me that would hear the coming battle between me and my stomach.

As the pain hit me again, I dropped my running shorts and destroyed that tree. I heard people coming and thought "Why me, why today, of all places"? I was terrified someone would see and recognize me in such a vulnerable state. I unleashed everything I had on that poor tree as fast as possible. Then, I looked up and saw the people in the house in front of the tree.

I couldn't tell if they were looking at me or if they even saw me. I mean, it's pretty hard to miss a guy in a white running shirt with black shorts just shitting on your tree in your yard. I felt amazing. I pulled my shorts up, covered up the giant pile of poo with leaves and sticks and jumped back on the trail which was literally 3 feet away.

All is good I thought. I figured I had ruined my running shorts and that people could smell the horrible leftovers that may have skidmarked my shorts. My strategy was to run as far to the left and right as possible of any person I came around on the trail. I would give them at least 2 feet in hopes that wouldn't smell me. I'm sure I looked ridiculous as I ran off and on the trail trying desperately to find my girlfriend and get to my car.

I'm now about 0.25 miles away from the poor tree that was left to suffer. I was happy, carefree, and laughing on the inside about what happened. At that very moment, my stomach said HELLO AGAIN, IT'S TIME TO FIGHT!

That's when fear turned to panic once again as this pain told me that I had seconds to find another tree. I was sweating bad. This train of poo was coming, and it was coming fast.

I saw 2 guys and 2 girls grilling out on their back porch. I said to myself, "well, you have already pooed on tree on a public trail in front of someones house", "go ask to use their bathroom"

So I ran up to them trying to hold back the poo train. I said "Hi, my names Bryan, and I have to shit really bad. I just shit on a tree in front of someone's house about 3 minutes ago. Can I please use your bathroom or I'm going to jump in the lake."

The guy looked at me confused at first and the women were horrified. He goes "quick, this way." He ran to his bathroom and showed me the way. It was the most beautiful toilet I have ever seen in my life.

The guys dog chased me to the bathroom and was clawing at the door. I heard him growling and sniffing as the poo train left the station rapidly. I'm pretty sure that toilet will never be the same again. The dog took one big sniff and he ran away outside. Dog problem solved! I finished up and went back outside and told them "thank you for letting me destroy your toilet. I'm pretty sure the Hazmat team should be called and FEMA might call this a disaster zone. Please don't go in there for a bit, even the dog couldn't handle it" They laughed so hard, shook my hand, and now after the 2nd most awkward moment of my day, I jogged back to the trail with a fresh, clean butthole.

I found my girlfriend at the 3 mile mark. She goes "Where are you, I've been looking for you". I said, "We need to leave, RIGHT NOW!"She was confused and we jogged to the car. We get inside the car and she said "What's wrong, why did we have to leave so quick" I then explained to her the 2 Code Brown situations and how we must leave immediately.

She laughed so hard and I told her we would never again speak of that day again.

That's my code brown story. Every time I run that trail, I pass that tree and laugh because I never in my life thought I would shit on someones tree in their front yard and then ask 4 people for a toilet all in 1 run.

No more Mexican food before a run. Ever.