OMG! This is the kind of stuff that gets me through long trainer rides, except that I was trying to climb while laughing uncontrollably. Shoulda had a warning to read only on descents!

That was awesome!

Long time lurker, finally created a login. Love this thread.

I didn't see many posts about having to shit in a farm field. Was on a run a few years ago, not super long (7-8 miles I think.) Was in up north Wisconsin for a working weekend at a friend's farm house. We had been up the night before drinking beer and telling stories. The next morning I got up early, ate breakfast, had coffee, got hydrated and then headed out.

At about mile 4 I felt the twinge of a poo cramp coming on. Thought fleetingly that I maybe shouldn't have had four or five beers less than 12 hours ago, but pressed on.

At mile 5 it became obvious that I wasn't going to make it back. I'm running along a pretty rural road, in between farm fields, with farm houses maybe every half mile. The people up there don't see a lot of runners (based on the gaping stares I got from trucks and Amish buggies as they passed me) so I knew stopping at a house wouldn't do.

Finally I had to act. Got off the road, paused my Garmin, found some bushes, made sure my iPod didn't dangle down as I dropped my shorts, then finally found sweet relief. As I was squatting there in some taller weeds, a few cows in the field found me quite interesting. They were poking their noses through the wire fencing and staring at me sideways with their big glassy eyes. It was pretty surreal.

I had to rip off my base layer and use it to clean up. Thank god I wasn't wearing lined shorts Left them in the weeds, stood up slowly to make sure nobody was driving by, then ran back out onto the road. The last two miles felt fantastic!

Anyway, on long runs I now carry some disposable wipes in a baggy. Haven't needed them yet.

Oh my God, I was laughing like a maniac at the stories in this thread (especially BryanD's and Twinkie's). My workmates must think I'm crazy now.

Gladly I've never shit myself while running, although I had my fair share of nightmarish close calls. The worst of all happened fairly recently. I went out for a light 5k jog in the late morning in my 'hood and as I approached 3k, I heard the dreaded "gut gargling". At first, I wrote it off as gas, while I marrily and loudly farted, to my own amusement, up to 4K.

Then my problems started.
As I approached 4,5k, the pain started to become mind numbing and the smiles and laughs brought about by the farts were swapped by a facial expression of suffering and terror. I tried the Constipation Trifecta (clenched buttcheeks, ramped up speed and a prayer to your respective higher being), to no avail. Since I could see my house from afar, I sped up, but felt that the "lips holding the cigar" were about to let it go. This last stretch passed through a busy university campus, so I doubled down on my mental effort and managed to get home before tragedy struck.

The deuce was so big that my wife and I affectionally started dubbing these kinds of incidents as "releasing the Cloverfield" from that moment on.

The only time I effectively shat my pants while training was when I was a junior roughly a decade ago. I arrived home from a long and difficult bike hill session, and was feeling super duper well, when my mother looked at me and said:

"My son, you look so pale, what happened?"

As if her words were a magic spell, I felt a sudden urge to puke and as I did it, the ab cramps where so strong that I shat myself in the process. In the middle of the damn kitchen. I genuinely felt much more sad than ashamed at that occasion.

Well ladies and gentleman of Slowtwitch - It is time to bring this thread back to the top. I had thought I figured out my nutrition but clearly....I have not. This is also going to probably be a bit long because fate is a tricky little bitch.

So let me start this out with saying I am in Florida. Southern Florida. Prior to this cold front (80+ degrees) it was a good 92+ degrees outside. The place I run is along the river and it goes north/south. The sun sets and there is NOTHING to block the sun the ENTIRE route. Think...like...when you take a pizza out of the oven and you open it and get that waft of super hot air in your face. This is what the ENTIRE run feels like - minus the pizza smell and replace that with body odor, funky rotting seaweed, and pheromones from the mass amounts of people running. Yes, I do admit - I run this route partly because the ladies are quite lovely look at. Now, there is also no bathrooms until you get to mile 3. It is 3 miles up, 3 miles back. There is NO where to duck and cover. All along a road and a river walk and tons of people and families and college kids (college is right at one end).

Now - also - I have been on a diet. Veges and protein mostly. Lots of farts, but really very solid poop. Fiber and protein could have easily been the materials used for the hoover damn.

So let set the scene for you. It is noon at work. Lunch time. My coworker brings up chinese food. It smells awesome. Magic. I can't resist. Diet? I dont give a pig sh*t. I am getting some. I get ALL of it. Eggrolls, Springrolls, Orange chicken, noodles, rices, etc. Just went off the deep end. I ate all of it. Every. Last. Bit. I also had quite a few cups of crappy black work coffee. I used to be able to eat this stuff...in college...so clearly I think - after being out of college for multiple years...my gut is still the ironclad beer gussling champ it used to be.

I get home. I change into my tri suit. I roll it down. There is a small pocket. My phone fits in it. No shirt. No socks. Just shoes, trisuit, phone, myself, and a damn good attitude. I have more carbs in me than I have ever known what to do with. I had coffee. Caffiene and carbs coursing through my 30 year old veins. Testosterone running rampant. I am king of the mountain. I am about to destroy a new PR. I drive my truck to my start point. I hit the path. I am feeling good. First half mile goes down. No pain. Nothing. HR is high. That is ok. I got this. Mile down. Second mile down. I am feeling good. I am PUSHING it. HR is 190. Sustained. Why? I have no idea. But I was feeling it. Mile 2.25 comes and...well surprise surprise..Panda Express also decides it has had enough of this jumbling. It is not pleased I diluted it with coffee. The shitty coffee is also not pleased I ruined its flavor with Panda Express. They start to fight. No problem. Toilet at mile 3. I got 3/4 mile for them to work it out before I let them loose in a fury of water and little chunks. I hit mile 2.5 and they are beating the hell out of eachother. I have a UFC fight in my stomach. No problem. 2.75 mile comes and I start to F*CKING PANIC. I am hauling ass. I am surrounded by people. Cute children with their families. Couples holding hands. Sunset walk on a path by the water. Then my sweaty wind sucking ass comes whooshing by to ruin the beauty that is. Pheromones are replaced with the smell of sweaty ass. Children were not accidentally created that night because of me. You are welcome people. I am still in a total panic. I got a damn about to break and flood the village below. There will be no survivors. I get to 2.95 miles and I see that bathroom. I see the stand alone mens bathroom by the little childrens play park in all of its glory. That is my sanctuary to f*cking destroy. I get there. I might be leaking juice out of my booty hole. I grab the handle....nothing. It must be jammed. I pull down harder. Nothing. I beat the shit out of the handle. NOTHING. THE BATHROOM IS LOCKED. THE ONLY BATHROOM ON THE ENTIRE PATH IS F*CKING LOCKED! THE WOMENS IS LOCKED. THE MENS IS LOCKED. F*CK.

Ok. regroup. Jump in the river? No, hundreds of people will see me. Bushes? Nope, there are not. We are by a childrens park and a giant open field. Businesses? Nope. Not unless I am wearing a suit and go in a fancy building past security. There is absolutely no place to let this one go. I am going to have to shit my pants. There is no other way.

Wait. There is. About 400 meters past this point is the end of the path and there is some nipple high brush and bushes. Small patch. By the dog park. I can conceal myself in there. People will be all around. It is maybe 100ft x 100ft. I can be right in the middle and let my shit storm loose all over everything. Bingo.

I get there. Tri suit down to the f*cking ankles. There is some beer cans. A small package. Food wrapper. Clearly some bum has been in here before. If he can sleep here and not be seen, I can shit here and not be seen. I start to unleash. I am doing a wall squat. Sweating. I am dying. The smell is f*cking awful. Chernobly. No one will ever be able to sleep here again. I have ruined this small patch of land. It keeps coming. Every tiny little bit of water is getting drained. Small chunks, large chunks, green, yellows...had I seen this in a museum of art and it were made of paint on a canvas - it would have been beautiful. I am looking at the surrounding artifacts. Budweiser. Classic bums. Pack of Menthols. The little box.

The little box.This little box looks new. It is nicely wrapped. This weird. It is out of place. I get distracted by the sound of women. A herd of them. A pack. A flock. A gaggle of women and their beautiful voices. The sound that is making me forget the sound that is coming out of my ass. Sirens calls. Floating melodies on the air. These voices are getting close. Are they still on the path? They sound closer than the path. "It is over here. He said he hid it by the dog park. This is the only place it can be! The card said it was in a box. Look for a box!"


The fucking little box. That stupid little box. The nicely wrapped little box that I am shitting a mere 5 feet from. That little box is what these girls are trying to find. Oh My God. I still have waves of shit coming. Ejecting ferociously from my sphinkter. Mount St. Helens and my butthole could be related. I look behind me. It looks like a mud slide in a third world south american country. I cant run. I can't hide. I decide the only course of action is to yell for them to stop.

"DON"T COME OVER HERE!". In hindsight I should have stated why. The reply is.."Is he over there? Jake? You said this was a surprise!!". Well fuck me sideways. They are 40 feet away. I get an idea. Instead of them coming to the box. I will let the box come to them. I pick up the box and toss it to them while yelling "HERE IS YOUR BOX! I'M NOT JAKE!" (this is important. Remember this)

"What. The. Fuck".....the sweet beautiful voices turn into confusion. It is pretty dark now. My butt has stopped flowing. All the sudden I see 4 or 5 bright LED lights. Cell phone flashlights. Those dumb little women are going to investigate this little happening. They are moving very slowly but still toward me. Fuck it. Pants come up. I run out the other side. I make my get away. I have shit on my legs. In my trisuit. On my shoes. I don't even care. There are no street lights. This little patch is just out of the reach of lights. Dark park has no lights. Childrens park has no lights. I can escape into the black abyss. Which I proceed to do.


Now you might be thinking...what a terrible ending..and what was in the box? Well this story takes a turn and fate dishes out a wonderful yet horrible surprise.

Well the next night I am going out with the new girl I am dating and her friends. Her mom and dad and sister are also coming. Some laughs. Some good times. Some beer. The usual. Well, her and I get to the bar/restaurant and grab a table. Her friends come. There is 5 of them. Her family comes. We all start chatting. They then start to tell the story of how they were on a scavenger hunt last night for one of them. Her boyfriend - JAKE - set up.

Now - I have not met these women yet NOR have I met her mom, dad, or sister. I am meeting my dates friends/family for the first time. They are judging my every move. Every blink. Piercing eyes into my soul. As soon as I heard the word "JAKE" my face went totally fucking white. Like there is not a more white color than what my face went. My pupils must have gotten HUGE in the bright light above the table. The girls all looked at me because - clearly - something is up. My date looks at me and goes "oh my God, are you ok?"

Then one of the girls goes with a monotone soft shocked voice. "Oh My God...it was you! Your voice! You were the one who yelled! That was your shit all over the place!!"

Well the gig is up. My date sees the look of terror and disgust and general freak outery they are portraying. I now have to explain to my date, her dad, her mom, her sister, and 5 of her friends why I shit all over the place in the bushes in the dark and some how coincidentally ran into all her friends. If I lie then they will know. I am definitely not getting laid tonight anyway. Hell I might not have a date after tonight. Everyone already thinks I'm the weird guy who lurks in bushes at night. So what do I have to lose. I proceed to tell them everything.


At the end of the story...everyone was laughing. So I have that going for me haha

That had to be the worst word I had ever heard..."Jake" haha

Also - there was a silly note that said. "I love you" in the box. The final piece of the scavenger hunt. F*ck you Jake. You and your stupid little box made a lot of trouble for me.

From State Farm? She sounds heinous.

This thread never fails to deliver. Had me LOL'ing on a Fri afternoon.
Chapeau!

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float , hammer , and jog

Pretty sure this story beats every other one in this thread. Might as well close it, because nothing can ever top this...

Oh man, I'm dying! That was the best thing I've seen here in months.

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Some are born to move the world to live their fantasies...

https://triomultisport.com/
http://www.mjolnircycles.com/

Holy SHIT that's funny.
ST top 5 without question.

I hope I meet Jake one day. F*ck Jake haha

I felt like a dang pig surrounded by a pride of lions. A sweaty pig at a table with no escape route. There was NO WAY to get out of explaining that. The dad was looking like he was going to kill me. The mom was horrified. The sister was weirded out. The friends were freaked out. Then there sits me. Ghost white. Definitely clammy and probably sweating. Then comes the realization I have to try to delicately tell a story about how I can't control my bowels and shit next to a fuckin childrens play park and family dog park by a beautiful river walk. Yep. This is my life.

True or not, I don’t care. Very entertaining. Almost as entertaining as sugar free gummy bear review.

Also, does Jake wear khakis and sell insurance?

and I dont care if you think Im full of shit lol You didn't have to go through this - I did.

Sugar Free Gummy Bear Review? huh?

Nice pun!

Here’s the gummy bear review:
https://www.amazon.com/...01&store=grocery

If the girl goes out with you again, she’s a keeper!

Happened to me on Monday, was jogging down the road and about the mile mark I had to hold it for two mile because there were no convenience stores or bush out the way until I got back to a canal and settled in some trees...and that's why I like running before breakfast usually instead of after.

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Washed up footy player turned Triathlete.

Loved this story because it is my exact route along Bayshore and river walk. I usually only have a number 1 type problem at the turnaround and the bathroom is always locked. The homeless people who hang around that area must be the cleanest in the nation, because they tend to take long “showers” in that little cubicle.

Your mistake was agreeing to meet 8 of her family and friends all at once. Who does this unless you are getting engaged. A+ for the story though

Oh, man. That was great. I giggled like a school girl! Thanks. I also loved the state farm comment. Nicely done all!

That made for some amazing Friday night reading.

This is the route I'm talking about! Haha I took a shit in the grassy area just north of the dog park near the little hill/steps by the bridge!!!!! The bathroom was fucking locked! Haha

I start at the park by that weird white statue on Bayshore hahaha

I didn't have a choice.. Mate you can't say no. That's as bad as a shit story

Ok, that's pretty much takes the cake for this thread.

If you didn't get your major in journalism, you should go back and get a Masters.

Predictions:
- You will end up marrying that woman
- "Jake" won't be the best man but he'll be in the wedding party

And:
- Socks can be used as toilet paper

Finally:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbDcnUH6rOc

FWIW, he stated no socks

That's a fucking amazing story. Thank you, sir.

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Eliot
blog thing - strava thing

That was a fucking novel. And I loved it. I'm waiting for part II. Seriously hilarious I was hoping there was more!

From now on, he will be bringing sox ... he might not wear them, butt he'll have them

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"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Well actually haha it got a little more interesting. So I showed her this post..which..in hindsight was probably not a good idea haha so she sends a text to her brother...who I have not met yet...who is the protective older brother...and tells him to read this.

but next time something rolls around where I disgrace my family name in public - I will absolutely post it here haha but not much can top that little fateful experience