What I hope you have done is sit down with your wife and ask her what she wants. Don't interrupt her, don't make suggestions, don't make the conversation about you until you fully hear her out.

Seems to me that you're sort of guessing at what the problem is, or the extent of it, and coming up with your own solutions that you think she might be amicable to. Seems like a backward approach to me.

If you are both career focused, do you have the money to outsource some of the domestic work? It could free up more time for you to spend together, and individually on your own pursuits. The $ we spend on a cleaning service is some of the best money we spend every two weeks.

Good on you for the self reflection and communication/followup with your wife. Honestly, it sounds like a bad time in general to be focusing on a high-hours racing program, with two high stress/hours jobs and a baby. I couldn't imagine doing IM training in that scenario. I got the IM monkey off my back as a single 20-something, and decades further along (with a wife and two kids) I don't have the motivation to beat my faster, younger self. I see friends get bit by the IM bug and I feel bad for them to be honest, for the most part it seems to be a huge time-swallowing journey with no end or resolution. Nobody ever says 'ok, i finished an ironman, I don't need to do that again'. It usually turns into "I think i can go faster if I train more/harder".

I understand the allure of epic, long races; however, shorter doesn't mean 'less impressive'. Maybe you should try to be your best/fastest self in sprints? Or ODs? You can still satisfy the competitive drive (and get the stress reduction benefits) without doing 20 hour weeks. Trainer/vasa/treadmill at home and you could be very fast on an hour a day.

You mention that ironman training broke up a previous 4-year relationship; be very careful, don't let this become a pattern. Not worth it.

Good insight here. I would also add to thank her for bringing this to your attention before it festered beyond repair, because your family is your priority. Let her know that rather than resenting her for making you suspend your long-course goals, you appreciate her for reminding you of what is most important. Women like to know you get it.

I made the original comment that you objected to. I made it because in my experience as a wife, my tolerance for my husband's hobbies can be affected if I'm having a stressful time, whether that's work/family/school/injury/whatever. It wasn't intended to be denial at all but a prompt to have a conversation to get to the root of the problem. It looks like the OP did this.

Key for me was to make sure my family's dreams and goals are being met as well.
I work full time, travel once a month, coach and have 3 kids. My wife also works a full time demanding job.

I make sure #1 Wife's wants and dreams are attainable.
She wanted to get a masters online, I made sure we made it happen and didn't just let it be a unicorn fart in the wind.
She wants to go after a job that requires 60 to 80 hours a week in an industry she loves. I'll support that best I can covering the family.

Make sure #2 the kids get what they need and have the chance to reach their goals. Luckily they aren't super competitive, yet. So they play their sports, cover the homework basics, get quality time, etc.

Then I arrange my stuff around the family to keep my sanity.

Kind of like fit the boulders in, then smaller rocks and then fill the voids in with sand.

It's a BUSY life, but I won't look back and wonder what I missed out on.
It's also made me keenly aware of wasting time in social media, watching mindless tv, etc. Cut out the time sucks and BAM, plenty of time. ;)

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Ryan
http://www.SetThePaceTriathlon.com
http://www.TriathlonTrainingDaddy.com
I got plans - https://www.trainingpeaks.com/...dotcom#trainingplans

Life coaching on a triathalon forum... but most of us have been there, or are going through it.

I will spin it a bit. Everyone else is right, but i will flip it a bit just to be cheeky/for sake of argument.

1. Do what is right for you...
2. So that you can be happy enough in life to do what is right for your family...
3. So that you can do what is right for work/career.

The logic, is that if you are not happy, how can you be a good husband/dad? Or a good employee/businessman?

But shooting fireballs all weekend may make you happy, but it is all about balance.

My advice:
- Take you time each week.
- take you and wife time each week
- take you and kids time each week (wife alone time)
- take family time each week
- keep the above four balanced.
- figure what level of work/finances keep you happy.
- money is great when you are old, but memories of your kids/wife can not be bought. (Edit: a little midlife crisis is not bad... but remember that wheels are cheaper than legs.)

Live life, but it is about balance.

That's not really a solution either though is it?
I assume there are three issues there:
1. You are sleeping less therefore (assuming you didn't oversleep before) you will be more tired and less engaged, less helpful, and less fun to be around.
2. You may feel that slipping out of bed early effects no-one but yourself but your partner may feel differently. I know mine likes me to actually be around from time to time!
3. If you're willing to go to these lengths to keep training, your partner, and children, are likely to believe (perhaps correctly) that it's the most important thing in your life. They may ask themselves whether you'd willingly give up hours of sleep on a regular basis for them.

+1
I'd want to spin it a bit too. I've read the wife works 65-80 hours a week + commute. When family comes first, as it should be IMO, you don't want to spend so much time on work. I truly think the OP needs to make amends (especially on sharing domestic chores and "mental charge" ie taking his part in planning the activities of the family), but his wife needs to assess her own life too.

Best point so far was the guy who told his wife his training came first, job second, her third.

Don't do that.

I'm 45 and have been doing tri for 27years. Five things I have learned:

1. See the big picture. Stand back and look at it. A life in sport is a marathon not a sprint, and you'll need your team around you. Treat them well and prioritise their needs. That way, when you need them to give you space and time to train, they probably will. And don't peak too soon.

2. Find balance. Life coaches have those "wheel of life" diagrams where one spoke is career, one spoke is health, one spoke is relationships, one spoke is community, one spoke money, one spoke is personal fulfilment, and so on. In tri we are lucky because if done right, it can score on more than one spoke - health, fulfilment, relationships. Note that it scores negative on money. One thing all cyclists know is that if you get out of balance, you crash.

3. Share the love. You love being fit and healthy - who wouldn't. So ease your family into it too. When we first got married, my wife thought running was mad. I kept looking for ways we could do it together - a jog/walk along the beach, a ride with the kids, That was over 20 years ago and now she's often the one pestering me to go out for a run with her before breakfast. Honestly. (There's give and take - she is a musician and I have been dragged to sooooo many classical music concerts with her over the years. I used to hate classical music but these days sometimes I almost like it.)

4. Remember the U shaped curve. Many things in life follow this trajectory. You do a little, you get a lot better. Then you do some more, and you get a little bit better. You do too much, and you get worse.

5. Bag the easy wins. Keep your weight low by eating right. Have kit in the car so you can run 30 minutes opportunistically sometimes. When you have to go anywhere, ride rather than drive if you can. Then it's not training, it's just living- it won't count against you on the scoreboard. And life just feels better this way too.

A special mention for the competitive instinct, and the big ticket races that drive so many of us type As. I don't claim to be "high level" but am OK at a local level, still love the sport and the community and have no injuries or barriers yet. Kona is a lifetime goal for me but I'm playing the long game. The time in life will be 50-54 or 55-59 when the kids have left home, the coffers are full, and work can take a back seat. Having looked at the big picture - start to finish - that's where it fits best. But if it never happens - that's fine too. It's just once facet of a 20+ sided die.

Wintershade - hope you find your sweet spot & get it dialled in so it works for your family.

I would have thought she's probably done that and decided she needs to let her partner know she's not happy with the impact of his training on their lives. Seems presumptuous to say it the way you have. Since we haven't heard from her, we're all just guessing.

This is probably the answer.

"Reschedule training sessions to end by 8am. Get to bed early to do it. Not so early that you’re in bed without spending some time together. "
"You do need to listen to your wife though. She is telling you there isn’t enough balance in your life with her."

This is how.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

You had the epiphany, don't view this as a polarized decision. If you have this much capacity to train and perform you could probably become the guy that wins every single sprint and Olympic triathlon he enters.

My Dad was not an athlete. But he certainly worked a lot, ran a business, and spent endless hours on his adventurous hobbies. He left everything else to our Mom. During his dying years, he regretted it. The quality of time was great, but he wished for more QUANTITY of time with all of us. That was a different era, Father knows best, Father is educated, the most important thing is my husbands job, lets ask your father, the husbands were idolized in many cases and allowed to disappear for the weekend, and the wife wasn't even allowed to have a checkbook. It's 2019 most families run much more balanced now.

Ultraman and RAAM, its extremely extreme.

You have an extremely supporting wife who also works. Don't screw it up. My wife was a STAY AT HOME MOM, I did all the dishwashing and overnight feedings, grocery store runs, and changes and vacuuming and everything to take the load off of her. If I so much as went for a 20minute swim or jog without her explicit permission she would explode for hours like I had an extramarital affair. Consider yourself blessed.

I understand the emotional pain you feel when she said that, Once my first daughter was born I stopped racing every month, I dropped all the dreamy dreamy championship athlete dreams. I still trained and stayed fast and raced. Just remember when your kids are 12, they will be "too cool to hang out with you" you have to capitalize on these formative years.

What you experienced is the truth hurts. It's not just an expression on a meme. The truth really hurts. You can improve as an athlete, you may have to drop the exotic distances for a while.
After both my daughters were born I still slowly got faster and hit some PRs in my late 30s, don't worry about it too much.

Now. I'm getting my daughters ready for their first kids triathlon in 2 weeks :)

Currently some executive leaders with mediocre performances look back on their life with regret that they didn’t have meaningful discussions with their staff and key people within their organization. No tough discussions that would have resulted in improved employees’ performances, better services/products, and higher profits. Your spouse, being a partner in a top mgt consulting firm, can understand the analogy here. She probably sees lack of needed difficult conversations in every one of her clients, and saw it within your family.

Also, with text being a preferred communication mode of conversation of many, and verbal language used in passing, the lack of those really difficult conversation will only increase at the detriment of sustainability of valuable relationships.

Your summarized your current issues well. I’m coming late to the thread on this one. Sorry if too long.

Scientific research shows we really don’t like those tough conversations. We avoid them. Sure more people will become CEO’s, full partners, and successful triathletes without the conversations but by doing so, they forego much better life outcomes than those who do engage in the talk and modify their actions going forward based on understanding, compromises, and mutual agreement. The latter requires trust with each other and discussions about the real issues, not the easy stuff. What you actually do today lays the groundwork for outcomes, hopefully successes, of your future.

Both of you need to understand where you’re coming from. Looks like you did that well. Continue it for a lifetime. Both of you need to continue in the dialog. It’s not a late night monologue or college class auditorium lecture that one voice fits all. Keep the dialog positive. When either of you see a slip into negative territory, then step back and work together to reach a joint agreed to outcome that is wanted by both of you. This brings positive solutions to negative step-backs. Beware, don’t accept the easiest solution to move on. Work together to identify three or more solutions. Multiple options force more thorough, and hopefully, best outcomes of honest desires or goals in life. Still not there? Ask something like: “What would it take for you to accept ______ (you fill in the blank outcome)? Have your spouse ask the same question back to you to reach concurrence on a path forward.

Realize, this is a not a one-and-done conversation. It’s a beginning. Tough communication will probably not translate well if texting one-another either. Who knows?
If you’re still reading great. Here some tri specific input:

• If you know hospice, then you probably know that no one said, “I wished I had worked more hours at my job.” However, some people have said their most fulfilling moment in life was competing with family present on a racecation as supporters, alongside them in the race, or even as a family team in the same race.
  
• With your aerobic engine, you could be an extremely competitive sprint and standard distance tri guy on 5-7 hours a week in season, then back off when not in season to maintain a base level of fitness.
  
• And with a base like yours now, you could step back to IM or Ultras if time is allotted, and mutual agreement is reached, in the near term or a couple of decades out. Talk. At IM Utah during the pre-race dinner, Mike Reilly had a wife on stage surprise her husband that she too was doing the race. He was a clueless husband, and she, a silent wife. I wonder if they’re still together.
  
• Get a Burley trailer or running stroller for training with your kid(s). You’d be surprised how close you could go in a sub 3-hour marathon attempt.
  

Finally, you and your wife should become familiar with polarity management as your situations will change over time. A few mgt consultants know the tool. View some templates on this topic. Fill one or more out for your situation(s). These will help you identify signs together to watch for to maintain best outcomes. And when a situation reveals signs of deterioration, the tool will provide early detection of signs of change showing impairment. As you see early warning signs, you learn to modify behaviors sooner to keep your relationship strong before you’re too deep in disrepair. Polarity management is a powerful tool for managing anything, like business or life.

Grow up and be happy. Live long and prosper. Few of us seem to heed Spock’s or John Lennon’s wisdom. But we should.

https://www.palmtreesahead.com/tactics2faster-new
https://www.palmtreesahead.com/

As a veteran of 30 Ironman races, & family like you, I managed to luckily have a wife who also does Ironman & triathlon. We trade off kid watching on weekends (we can't really ride or run together as our training speeds are vastly different), but you have a lot of GIVE when doing so. We both do. Luckily, our work schedules are quite opposite and we both have the "family time" on the weekends, so don't feel guilty about stepping our each other's time we have available for "us"--until the weeknend. In short, she has her time, I have my time (opposite schedules), then the WE time (all of us). During the week, there is work, training when kiddos school starts. Wife trains before work / before school, on her lunch...so it is a VERY tight fit, but we all make it work. The best part is, we have time to get the kiddo/s all to ourselves each day, then we all share the time on weekends together.

I've not done Ironman in about 3 years maybe? So my time has opened up. I just got sick of all the training. I'm enjoying what I call "maintanence" training and less long days out on the bike, or so many run miles. I sleep better, have more time and less stress and accomplish way more (although still too busy). I would like to say, social life does suffer, but others in your circle may be in the same place, so it doesn't matter if that is the case, we all have stuff to do, limited time (in more than one way). Cut the crap wasted time stuff, plan ahead, talk with your partner, be realistic on what you actually need for training (most here will tell you some ridiculous training numbers for Ironman...it's not true). Your relationships don't have to suffer. The one thing I would caution on is, taking your family for granted and not spending enough time with them. Talk it over. If all are honest, you can come to a reasonable plan to accomodate all.

i knew it was time to quit Ironmans when my wife said "I am not ready for your next Ironman"

Good for you. Short course is a lot of fun. I love just running for 1/2 an hour and calling it good. Eat well, lots of rest, more family time now. My wife is only 2 Ironman finishes away from a Kona Legacy slot so she is full bore ahead--her only chance to get to Kona. It's a big commitment in all ways, some just aren't set up for that in their lives. Best to be realistic. The heart wants or says one thing and the mind often wants or says another. Only when the two are "at peace" with each other, is it the right decision.

It was easier for me back when I was doing IM training/racing since my wife was as well (instant training partner!). This was before our daughter was born, but I knew it was time to step back when training began to feel more like a second job rather than something I enjoyed. Not long after I finished my last IM in 2007, we found out that we were going to be parents, which made scaling back easier. My wife did one more IM in 2011 and switched to focus on running afterwards.

My focus now is cycling and my workouts during the week are done on the trainer, and I get outside on the weekends whenever possible. Our daughter has plenty of sports/activities on weekends so I schedule rides around those as much as I can.

It can be hard as others have noted and plenty of good advice has been given throughout this thread. I hope you find the balance that works best for you and your family.

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"You can never win or lose if you don't run the race." - Richard Butler

I'm a new father here as well - have a 4 month old at home...

Swimming too is my strength - and as such, I think it is something you can really modulate towards a race. You certainly do not need to swim year around to get a decent result...ramp up 6 weeks before a race and you'll be fine.

Anyways, I decided to train less, but train harder, and more consistently - 6-7 hours a week, max 8 in "heavy weeks" and see what happens. And I am going to lose 1-2% in BF - trim up a few pounds. That just takes discipline, right?

I'm with others on the forum - will be great to have some good results...but will be better to be there for my kiddo or wife. Truth is that while the kid sleeps 7-7, the quality alone time with the wife is very different now, she uses those hours to "catch up" - so the dynamic is different, and training shouldn't be "squeezed" in.

Wife works 80h weeks. Husband works 50+ tri training, so comes in around 80 as well, lets assume. 80/5= 16h per day...max daycare hours per day=12... leaves 20h for the weekend...

I think the math just doesn't work.... I am always amazed by this forum where people work 60+ hours, train 15+ hours, sleep min 8h per day AND have a great family life.....

Sub 5 hrs at a 70.3 should not require more than ~5 hrs training per week. If you need more, you’re doing it wrong.

Seriously? Maybe 5 hours during the week, sure, but you are not going to build that kind of speed on only 5 hours including weekends unless you are already incredibly talented, have a giant engine, and maybe supplement with things you shouldn't supplement with.

There's a reason most people think ultraman is nuts - because it is when you put it in the context of lives with kids, relationships, jobs, etc. Just because you CAN do it does that mean you should?
I'm in a similar place with a new baby and trying to figure out how to scale things back so that I can be a good father, husband, and still feel fulfilled with athletic challenge. At the end of the day it means cutting back on volume, so my focus right now is on running with just a little swim/bike to keep it going and to mix it up. Running takes the least amount of time in terms of logistics (treadmill at home) and keeps me more present with our 7 week old baby. My goal is a marathon at the end of April. Will I be as prepared as I would normally want? probably not and thats ok, its more just to do it and set a good example than it is to excel right now. There was a time I wouldnt even consider it if I wasnt in Boston qualifying shape.
My wife has signed off on me doing a HIM in June, but even that feels like a stretch simply because of the bike hours, so my hope is that the run focus will carry me through there and I just add a few 2-3 hour ride and still be in reasonably good shape. After that its going to be pretty much just sprints and olys, which I'm fine with. I'd rather still do 7-9 hours per week and do well there than go do HIM/IM and wish I'd been able to train more. So HIM will be an experiment to see if its viable on that time or not for me. My wife used to do triathlon as well, so she gets it. She continues to swim/run and I want her to be able to get back to where she wants to be with it, which means I will have to do less and take the kid to allow her time as well.
Priorities man, thats what it really comes down to. Heed the warnings. I would not do any of this without her sign-off and regular checkins for feedback on how its going for us, because even if she was cool with it initially the reality might be different.

HIM in June with a 7 week old - you're nuts!

Take some time off man, do a HIM in September or something...