I think this might be the answer...

You don't have to do stupid amounts of training to stay decently fast! And especially with a long history of big training, you can go fast on shockingly little training!

I was exactly asking myself this question this week: How can guys with families, jobs, properly train for IM triathlons.../?!/?!/?
Unless you married the ''perfect half'' (whatever that means), I think you have to make concessions.
Balance personal interests, passions, social and family life...
To me it's all about trying to be happy and satisfied with one's choices (husband and father of 4 teenagers all in sports, HS or college...).
Who says you'll be happier if you get that sports goal in a few years but neglect the ''other''important stuff (son, family, etc...).
I'm with the Oly suggestions, or occasional HIM.
Pick some motivating goal ( 1 or 2 / per year), count available time per week, and have fun working out ! Love the process, that's where the real goal is !!
Cycling's your weak sport ? I would mix some short Tris and enter a few short bike races, like criteriums.
That should lift your game in cycling very effectively.

Louis :-)

This is DEFINITELY true. I learned this the hard way - I spent 2 years gutting it out by 'sticking to the plan' when my kid was 1-3 yrs old while training for HIMs, hitting 11-14hrs/wk, probably average around 12, while holding down a full time job and having a wife that also worked full time, which meant I was doing as much childcare as she was, if not more - particularly on weekends. I've never slept well, so I figured that wouldn't be a problem for me. I was tired all the time, pretty much only trained in z2 in those early hours, but I got that dang volume in! Race day actually went fine - did a bit better than expected, was happy about my times.

Then I got a bit burned out from all the sleep deprivation and chasing PRs, and after reading some PurplePatch Matt Dixon's 'balanced approach' to training, where you must incorporate life stresses, I decided to back off training, even if it would cost me performance. I'd prioritize sleep above training at all times, and yes, this meant on some weeks I literally missed 4 out of 7 training mornings, which I couldn't make all up with later doubles.

I raced better and did better than I did while putting up those big hour training - felt better, had more fun, and was much more energetic during the day. The added sleep just allows you to hit a whole higher level of quality in training that you can never get while sleep deprived, and it shows. I def got as much results in 7 hours/wk than I got in 11+ hrs/wk with the added sleep. Sleep is huge - and it's actually not easy for someone like me I have sleep apnea with a machine, have problems sleeping 5+ hrs, etc., but I literally work hard at it!

More sleep >> sleepy training for sure. Of course, the challenge then is to fit the training in with the more limited time you have due to sleep, but def take shorter quality and fun sessions over gut slogging slower sleep deprived ones even if it's a lot more hours.

Well said! Unfortunately, in my case, I'll almost guarantee that arthritis will take me out of racing well before retirement...then I'll have lots of time and money and no clue what to do with it! (Yeah, right...)

triathlon

This was what I thought too when I read that post.
I'm struggling to do more than a couple of hours a week at the moment, with an 8 month old son, partner who works or studies most evenings and is in college on Saturdays, while I work approx 07:30-17:30 on weekdays. She takes care of him during the day, if I don't take over most of the evening, she's can't work/study and I'm already up early to be in work by 07:30 or earlier, so morning sessions aren't realistic at the moment.
I've realised it's not going to be an option to maintain the fitness I had up until last summer. Certainly not in the short term and probably ever. That's okay, some things are a lot more important. I could force the point and train more than I am now, but that's just going to cause tension and resentment - understandably. I could possibly wedge a bit of training into every free moment, work it in around everything that's scheduled and get by, but it would still impact family life by having me tired or preoccupied much of the time.

What does your wife do with her free time? Does she use large chunks of time for her own pursuits outside of those planned joint activities you mentioned? Do you have to make lots of comparable compromises/accommodations? If not you can be pretty sure she's feeling hard done by. Wouldn't you? If she hasn't mentioned it before that doesn't mean it hasn't been bothering her for a while.

I think this is a very common struggle (not enough hours in life), when you want to be a husband, father, worker, and triathlete all at once, and also why you see so many answers to a post like this.

The "long rides/runs" on weekdays, was an eye opener for my self and a good way of not consuming whole weekends for training but instead having time to do a picnic with your family, have friends and family over.

There was 1 thing that struck me in your post/answers (and it might just be the way you wrote it):
1) You said you accomodate training to what your wife has planned for the weekend. I think everyone in a relationships knows at hates the feeling of being the only one planning things to do. Its hard to take initiative if you have training all the time. Maybe she wants you to plan some of the weekend activities, maybe she wants to see friends/family more often, or have you arrange the big BBQ. Finding fun actitivties/get aways for the weekend going to a cabin in the woods or whatever.

Maybe one has to realise that IM is not the thing to do with small kids. If you have already done some IM done well etc. and you are not going to go pro any way, why is it then so darn important to finish top 10? Noone cares except you, no one. I know where you are comming from, yes you could easily just do an IM on less training but where is the fun in that when you want to go faster? I really think that is an itch to consider the importance of.

I presume you were addressing the OP rather than myself?

I agree about the risk that a partner could feel they are they only one's organising joint activities while you only worry about your own training schedule. Even if you make the effort to fit around those activities, it's certainly possible a spouse/partner could feel (correctly or not) that they're doing all the work and that you perhaps even resent the family time interfering with your precious training. Need to put yourself in their shoes.

good advice. unlike many here my goals are probably far more modest but I tend to alternate years where one will be a heavier race volume followed by a year with lower race volume. But that's just what works for me. I've done one IM. Will probably do another. The training volume for 70.3s is seems much more conducive to still having a normal life. Last year I only did sprints and gravel grinders. But I'm not FOP at the big events. Local racing I do fairly well. For me it helps keep myself and my wife sane.

Because, surely, he shouldn’t take his wife’s comments at face value... training for ultra man and ride across America are totally normal endeavors... she must have something out of balance in HER life that is causing her to question OP.

Denial runs deep in some people.

I’ve pretty much gone short course and actually love it. I now have time to mix in some bike racing and real lifting. Racing faster at a higher intensity is also preferable.

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Human Person

I have been thinking more and more about this lately. We do triathlon WILLINGLY. If it is disrupting our home and family life, it is time to re-evaluate. You don't HAVE to do Ironman or Ultras or anything of the sort. Take a step back and think about why you do it? Can the reason be achieved by doing something else? If you have a small baby at home, I can guarantee you wife is overwhelmed (I'm a mom of 2 girls). If you are leaving her and going out on the bike for 5 hours, she resents it. I GUARANTEE it. You definitely need to prioritize, and she's making it known that she's tired of your lives revolving around your workouts. Triathlon is a selfish pursuit, and she's asking you to not be selfish anymore.

Hmm, like a brand new baby, maybe?

Not that it's something that's going "wrong", but the reality is that no-one has a sweet clue how much work it is to have a baby until they actually have one. And if you're adding a second child to the family, you really don't know how much additional work that is until you actually do it. Assuming that you want to be good parents, that is. It's easy to be a shitty parent.

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Swimming Workout of the Day:

Favourite Swim Sets:

2020 National Masters Champion - M50-54 - 50m Butterfly

"It's just tough..... "
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Of course it is tough, but none of us would have it any other way. Tough is what makes it great.


eatmydirt said it about as succinctly as I have seen : "figure out ways to make your workout schedule revolve around your family life. Your wife will be happier, you'll be happier and I bet you'll be just as fast." Although a bit dated, I have been through the same thing and wrote on this topic HERE.


Best wishes,

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David
* Ironman for Life! (Blog) * IM Everyday Hero Video * Daggett Shuler Law *
Disclaimer: I have personal and professional relationships with many athletes, vendors, and organizations in the triathlon world.

Disclaimer: For my opinion and US$ 4.25, Stabucks will sell you a grande mocha, so take it for what it's worth, but I'm 52 with a daughter about to graduate high school and head off to college and I've been married to the same woman for 26 years. I was a MOP triathlete on my best days and those days are long past, but I think I'm a damn good father and a pretty good husband.

If your life doesn't look like this: #1 Family, #2 Career and Triathlon #3 or lower, you're doing it wrong. Pretty soon, your kids are going to start doing something - maybe sports, maybe dance, maybe something else entirely.- you need to be there. When your wife wants to sleep in and have a Sunday brunch, you need to be there (and not wearing sweaty bike shorts). It sounds like you've got your priorities pretty screwed up right now and your wife just fired the first warning shot. Quit whining, put triathlon in its proper place and become a good dad and husband.

pretty much this.

When your kids are grown, do you really think that they are really going to give a shit what your ultraman PR was? Or any of the other people who you care about? They might look at it and say "oh that's cool", but only if it means that you were their FATHER first and foremost.

---

Swimming Workout of the Day:

Favourite Swim Sets:

2020 National Masters Champion - M50-54 - 50m Butterfly

All of that is code for she has hit her limit. You have a family now, they come first, pick a single event and give more time to your family. You will be much happier. This sport isn't going anywhere.

My trade off was to wake up at 3am-4am to do all my workouts. I am usually always done by 8am-9am, so it doesnt interfere with anything but sleep.

Purchasing a trainer was the single event that led me to be able to complete an IM

"your wife just fired the first warning shot."

WHS.

I remember when i was training for an IM last year and began to think that spending 12 -15 hours per week playing at my sports was completely normal and reasonable until my wife lost her temper in a big way and screamed at me "I wish i'd never heard the f****g word "Ironman!""...

it's only a game. do it for fun, nobody cares how fast you are but family:wife/kids etc must come first or you'll end up paying for it...

 

this might be mean but ill say it: if you are still chasing a 3h marathon, you are not competing at high level. you are probably fast, and maybe like all of us at times doing some event-hunting to see where you really can compete at a high level. but you might be happier just re-focusing on "what is fun, what fits my idea of a good life".

i've had to reject my bad thinking about this stuff many times. it is easy to get sucked in to distorted perspective on something we work so hard it, and are often legit talented at.

maybe you'd have fun to keep some swim and try zwift race, cylcocross, crits, tts for a few years. its fun, social, and if you wanna go do long boring stuff later, then you'll be a stronger cyclist.

I think Dean had a great reply. I also hope you did a lot of training and racing when you were single and could really enjoy it. No matter how much time you have when you are retired and the kids are grown, I don't think you will be able to enjoy training and racing like you could when you were young.

I'm curious. Were you doing long-distance tri when you were dating your wife? Did you discuss in depth your desire to train and race before marriage? Did you and your wife discuss how both your priorities would need to change before you decided to bring a child into the world? I didn't get married until after I was tired of long-distance tri. We don't have kids. My wife certainly knew of my multisport passion before we got married, so when she gets upset about my training/racing, etc. I understand and usually come to a compromise with her but I also remind her that she knew a great deal about my lifelong passion to train and race before we got married and I never indicated to her that I expected that passion to diminish when we got married. When we have talked about what would have happened if we would have met earlier in life, I admit I probably wouldn't have got seriously involved with her because I was so focused on IM.

I wish you the best coming to a compromise that works for you and your family.

I've found (personally and with talking to friends) that being a triathlete is selfish but we all try to reason our way out of thinking that it actually is that. You tell yourself, and others, things like "I work out super early before kids/wife get up", or "I work out after everyone goes to bed", or <insert a number of other excuses>.
Unless you are single, someone else is losing out, and typically it's the wife. We are pretty good at not making the kids lose out - at least that's what we think - they are probable losing out too. Your wife is taking most of this as she has to deal with scheduling your families life around your training. And shes' also the one losing time with you when you go to bed early every night, or leave for good chunks of the weekend to go train.
The best answer is to do shorter events. Olys can be a hell of a workout if you go hard. And maybe every few years talk to your wife about doing a long race. Yes that long race will require more work to get back in shape but it's easier than a divorce.

If you want to try 2 sports, take out biking. It takes the most time by far. You might be able to make swimming and running work. Go for that sub 3 marathon.

With kids, your time is just going to be less and less as they get older.

"The easiest thing to do would be just train from 5-7am weekdays and 4-8am weekends and disruption would be minimal given kid usually sleeps from 7-7, but I've found sleep to be almost more important than the workouts themselves."

This is basically what I do. I am sure I could be "faster/ better/ whatever" if I trained more but I just do what I can off that and am happy with it.

First of all, wow! I just want to express my gratitude for everyone who has weighed in here and shared their personal stories. I must have hit on a topic that many have wrestled with, as I've never started a thread on any forum that's generated so many responses.

To summarize what I've taken away so far:
0) Heed the warning shot. I don't want to end up divorced. I love my wife. She's an incredible person, and honestly I probably don't deserve her.
1) Figure out if my wife's complaint about triathlon is really the tip of an iceberg (which it is, more below)
2) Have an candid discussion about is a "reasonable" amount of training, and potentially focus on shorter distance races (or single sport races) depending on time permitted by wife
3) Try to do that training at more convenient times for the family, and talk about training/racing A LOT less
4) Make it clear I'm putting my family (and work) ahead of triathlon (or any of my other self pursuits for that matter)

There were lots of questions asked of me, which I'll try to answer.
-- Could this be the tip of the iceberg? -- YES, it is. Whoever asked this should be a psychologist! I spoke to her last night, and she said the triathlon obsession is just a symptom of a more troubling disease. When we got married, we promised we'd be "equal partners" in domestic duties since we're both career driven, and she doesn't feel like I'm pulling my weight, especially since our son was born. She's a fast-rising jr partner at a top management consulting firm (works 65-80 hrs/wk with a ton of travel). I also have a demanding high pressure job but her hours are worse. Apparently, she feels like she has "three jobs: work, domestic chores, and now a baby" but I only have two jobs: "Work, and triathlon, which isn't a job because it's fun." So good to know where all this is coming from because now we can address the underlying issue, and I'm going to sign up for more chores around the house. This was all news to me, so if nothing else good comes out of this, at least we'll solve for that

-- Did my wife know about triathlon before we got married? Not really. She knew I was an athlete as a kid through college (and that Ironman broke up my post-college relationship of 4 years), but I was injured when I met my spouse. Except for the last 18 months, I wasn't training/racing. So she might say, "I didn't sign up for this." Shortly after we started dating, I was sidelined by two surgeries from overuse injuries, and didn't train for anything for most of the decade we've known each other. Since I couldn't do triathlons, I started racing cars at a high level (which was also very selfish, time consuming and WAY more expensive), but after a crash that could have killed me around when we started trying to get her pregnant, wife asked me to stop, which seemed reasonable. Needing a competitive outlet, I figured I'd give running a shot again, started with a 10K and worked my way back up to Ironman over about a year.

-- Can I compete at the highest level if I can't run a sub-3hr marathon "yet"? Well, the truth is, that's not what matters to me. My goal is not to be the fastest man in the world, but to discover how fast I can be and how far can I go. I don't yet know my potential, because just when I was getting into things hardcore in college and making progress, I blew out my knee running. My genes are good. My dad held track and field records that were only recently broken. I had my VO2 max tested in college as part of an academic study, I forget the VO2 max number but it was in 99% percentile so I know I have a big aerobic engine. Will I be an IM AG World Champ, probably not. Could I KQ? Maybe. But again, all I really want to know is.... how far can this sack of flesh carry me.

There reason I'm here, asking these questions, is because I know that in the end (having volunteered in hospice when I was younger) is almost everyone treasures most the time the spent with the people they love, not the their selfish achievements. The happiest ones were the once who find balance between feeling like they lived up to their potential while putting their loved ones first.

There is some good advice here about how to do it.

The plan that's resonated with me most so far is -- using shorter events (maybe Olympic distance or a mix of half-marathon + shorter/fun crits or gravel riding) to stay in shape for the next 10-15 years, then retire early and use all the free time to train for Ultraman etc. But key to that plan is keeping the body healthy, especially given my history of overuse injuries which historically have been my main limiter.