It's not really any of our business. If he was getting divorced from the USPS team that'd be a whole other matter.

Sorry ... the Armstrongs issued a statement to the public, and since I'm here in Austin I thought I'd pass it along to you all. I'm a divorced single-dad and I can tell you that even separation was tough and it definitely affected my training and racing. Separation and/or divorce WITH children is even tougher. I hope it doesn't affect his Tour.

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http://irondad06.blogspot.com/

http://irondad.blogspot.com/

"It's not really any of our business."

Agree 100%, especially having been there myself with a divorce. Unfortunately, the reality is that Lance is a celebrity so his personal life tends to become a public interest issue. In a society where "stars" are here today and forgot by tomorow morning, it is the price they pay for the fame (and salaries). Not saying that is right, but it is the way it is.

"It's not really any of our business."

Given that the Armstrongs chose to share details of their marriage (including incredibly intimate details of the conception of their first child) with the public through Lance's official website, I don't think you can criticize someone for sharing the Armstrongs' public statement regarding the state of their marriage. No one is prying into their private lives.

Wow. Sad. The whole state of the institution of marriage is pretty sad right now. People make promises without understanding their gravity. Very sad. I hope Lance can go to the things that give him strength and comfort- whatever those things are. I hope his wife can do the same. Terrible shame for the kids. Man, what is our society coming too??? Everybody seems so darn selfish, stubborn and set in their ways. Remember the commercials with Lance and his kid? Damn. What the hell are we supposed to believe in anymore? Two people say "...'til death do us part." Does that mean anything anymore? Anyway, I feel for both of them. Very sad. Well, hopefully a better tomorrow for everyone involved. Tough to imagine in a world where promises mean nothing and individual ambitions seem to rule eveything.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

Sad. I've done a couple of IM's and a significant amount of marital counseling and there is no comparison, a durable marriage is harder to achieve and yet much more so are the rewards. When I do pre-marital "coaching" about what it will take to go the distance I use IM metaphors. It largely falls on deaf ears, expectedly so. I hope when the going gets tough they will remember its p/o the journey. Conflict is to be expected, it can lever destruction or reconstitution and durability. It ain't easy, but those tough climbs are worth it. Hope and prayers for L&K.

Apologies to you IronDad. I need to get off my high horse. I guess it is news but it's an unfortunate situation for Lance or anyone to be in. And you're right, it is a case where his personal life could affect his professional racing.

IronDad and carbon,

Big kudos and genuine appreciation for the civility of your exchange with each other. What could easily have become a nasty flame war turned out to be a real example for behaviour on- and offline.

Best,

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TonyG

What is Enoch Root?

Now I am aware of four people in the world that can quote the captian... and probably still listento him. Great stuff!

It never ceases to amaze me... America's fascination with the famous. Personally, I could not care less what underwear Micheal Jordan wears - or about Mark Allen's spiritual life - or who shop lefted wear. I cane when they are doing wht they do... ie basketball, ironmans, and acting... but their lives should be theirs to shsre. I am just not interested in the personal lives of people who make headlines (unless of course they are friends of mine).

Well, i do care what happens to Lance. I mean, i (like most of us) have read his book, and he does feel like a friend to me. Cue a Byrds song "Though i never met him, i knew him just the same. He was a friend of mine."

I think part of it is feeling empathetic. I mean if you heard that your favorite actor died like Tom Hanks or Meg Ryan wouldnt that bring a little bit of sadness to your day, even just a little? Even though you've never met the person?

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For TonyG: Five people ...

For JeremyB: I haven't read his books, but I'm aware that the media certainly focused on "family values" quite a bit in his case. But then, maybe it's better for the kids to see the parents separately and happy, than together and screaming at each other all the time (or simply ignoring each other)?

Still, it saddens me that we, as a society, have reached a point where we care *so much* about other people's behavior.

Dre'

The Captain is definitely not everyone's cup of tea - nothing clears my own home faster than a nice long session with the double-disc "The Dust Blows Forward". And that's really too bad, on many levels.

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TonyG

What is Enoch Root?

yeah its Definetly better to have two semi happy separated parents than two together angry/ugly parents.

I care more about the kids (and concerned whose going to raise them) and about how this effects Lances training----than i do about the personal aspects of his breakup or that they even did separate. I guess im trying to say I dont really care about the separation---i care about how thats going to effect Lance, the twins, luke, and kristin as individuals. But also, its nice to see people happy and a marriage thats working in this world, and its dissapointing to see a marriage that on the surface looked like it was "working" but actually wasnt.

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Research does not bare this out. When the so-called "better to be happy seperated than together angry/ugly parents, for the kids sake" movement first started in the '70s, that is what the researchers thought would happen. What has become apparent, is that the kids don't care if the parents are not happy or not. The research has shown, that the kids who's parents divorce are worse off than those who don't and that the kids just want both parents there, in their house, wether they are angry/ugly or not. When divorce happens, kids lose a lot of faith because the one constant that should never be taken from them, to have both of their parents raising them together, is destroyed. Hard to believe in much else when you can't even count on your parents being there, now can they?!?!?

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KEEP ON TRI-NG

I think all research in this area is very debatable still on this issue. Kids with parents who are together and abgry learn that together and ugly is the way a marriage should be. Thus, they grow up and continue that circle of behavior and are more often to have difficulty in relationships later in life due to an the lack of a model provided to them as a child. If the parents separate, the odds increase of a better model presenting itself in the form of stepparents. And seeing their parents form healthy romantic relationships will benefit the child more so than seeing a unhealthy/destroyed relationship between their two birth parents. Also, i beleive the speciics are individualized as well, meaning, that im sure some kids would wish their parents were apart instead of screaming at each other nightly, whereas others want their parents together despite the screaming, cause between the scream sessions there may be some good ole times that make things almost seem normal.

Wouldnt you agree, that when parents stay together for the kids, the incidence of affairs and cheating increase as opposed to a happy/loving couple. If an affair is in the mix, surely you must agree that being separated is better than seeing either or both of your parents in other romantic endeavors?

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Jeremy,

With all due respect, and IMHO, once we CHOOSE to be parents and affect the rights the children, we no longer have the right to be "angry/ugly parents" or cheating, or anything else. This just kills me!

Too many folks get married , have kids, and still have an eye on the exit door. How about commitment! Sure marraige is tough at times, but we owe it to the kids to make it work - no matter what! Of course I do realize that there are unavoidable rare exceptions, but statistics show that we are starting to make it the rule.

Having a healthy relationship with a spouse is a choice. I choose to make it work and to be happy....and to keep her happy...and to keep the kids in a happy family. This takes work - more work than an Ironman, but the rewards are great too. I say no excuses (other than the very rare exception).

It is all a matter of desire and attitude. Make our main goal in life to make our family unit a success and it will be. When we care about our spouse and kids more than ourself (or our bike) , there is hardly a way to fail.

david

Happily married dad and intend to stay that way!

"Research does not bare this out"

Who's research is this? Having been there I would have to disagree. My ex and I called it quits after fifteen years of trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Best thing either of us ever did. We tried maritial counselling beforehand and did try to make it work before mutually agreeing to throw in the towel. Of course we have done everything possible to get along and put the kid's interests first. It seemed to pay off as both kids a well adjusted "A" students, my daughter starting college and my son in high school. In our case it has worked out better for everyone with the ex and I agreeing to a friendly divorce with minimal lawyer involvement rather than continually duking it out in an unhappy marriage. The best part is that we're not bitter to each other and have accepted that neither of us were happy in the relationship. Where kids get hurt IMO is when divorced parents don't have te maturity to try to get along and accept the situation. Anyway you look at it, divorce sucks, but it some cases it may be the best solution..

Amen...

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What if the Hokey Pokey is what it is all about?

I think that you have to do what's right for you and balance that with what's in the childrens' best interest, as far as divorce/separation/stay together is concerned. My ex is an alcoholic and after 15 years it just beat me to crap and as I told her: "my emotional bank account is now overdrawn". I thought it better to be apart and happy, and work to provide a stable, secure environment for my children. I fought for my children and I am the custodial parent with the children 70% of the time. I've dedicated my life to them (yes, I have very little social life) and it's paid off. They are both in a school for gifted and talented children, on the permanent honor roll, and my daughter is the USA Triathlon Youth National Champ in her age group (my 6-year-old son starts competing this year). Additionally, at 41, I am happy now... which I hadn't been for many years. Every situation is different, but for me this worked.

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http://irondad06.blogspot.com/

http://irondad.blogspot.com/

You have to wonder who got tired--Lance, training 5-8 hours per day and never seeing his family or Kristen working 5-8 hours per day taking care of three young children. I think she used to be a pretty big executive in a ad company--maybe she is tired of being a full time mom and wants to work and Lance wants her to stay home with the kids? Either way tough on the kids and tough on Lance to be focused on racing. Luke will be mad.

David,

Good post with good points.

For those in relationships that are 100% happy - my hat is off to you. Your relatrionship with your spouse/partner does need to be at the absolute center of your life. It needs to be something that you work on every day. It needs to be something that you re-commit yourself every day. However, from my recent experience, even "the best" situations can get off the rails very badly. Outside appearences can be decieving. Perhaps, there where major problems with the Armstrong's relationship behind closed doors. I thought that I had a great realtionship with my-ex. Many had stamped us with the most-liklely-to-succeed lable. I thought that we coud do no wrong. Then in an instant it was all-over!

I get the feeling that we live in an age, when we are perpetually skating on thin ice all the time. I am very optimistic, forward thinking and well adjusted person, but recent events in my own life and the lives of those around me has given me that on-thin-ice feeling. Where not so good things happen to good people despite a huge amount of effort and best intentions.

Getting back to triathlon, I always thought that when you worked hard and long at something you would get positive results. A 20 year triathlon career with a modest amount of success seemed to be my personal acid test for this. However, recent events in my life and those of my family and friends have made me wonder about this. All of a sudden 2 + 2 is not equaling 4 or 5. Now we just get 3! Thin ice.

Sorry to hear about the Armstrongs. It's hell. I hope for them that what ever happens it happens for the right reasons.

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Steve Fleck @stevefleck | Blog

This is not a deragatory statement about Lance: I can't help but recognize the irony that Lance had difficulty in his younger days facing his life with his father gone. Now, although VERY different circumstances, Lance (a father now) is gone. Yes, I do acknowledge that the man makes a very good living and I'm sure his children's financial needs will not be compromised. However, I had to ask myself, how do we break the cycle? Our society is a real mess. We make up the society- we're a mess. I wish I knew how to correct this- even within myself. Man, I've tried. It takes two in the case of a relationship. I thought I tried... It seemed like I tried. I wish I never had a "new" girlfriend. I hate that. I've always just wanted one forever. Is that possible anymore? Is this just further proof that this is a fantasy? Damn, so darn discouraging.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

Tom,

I am with you 100%. I feel like I am the luckiest man on Earth! My wife amd I did not even meet until we were 37 (each our 1st marraige). Now we have our third child on the way. This is truly a dream come true for me that I never thought would happen. Now, I certainly don't think the dream will ever stop, but I am sure that others have felt that way too.

Good thing she and I both have past experiences behind us, have matured, and are right for each other. I don't think relationships are 50/50...I think they are 90/10 with BOTH sides having a responsibility for the 90. You can't have and eye on the exit door, or wandering eyes, or rather bike than hold hands to make it work. I tell my friends that you have to "flip the switch" to there are no longer any options other than to do what is best for your spouse and family. You CHOOSE your attitude about it so that is the way it is and you have to enjoy it. We also discuss these issues daily so that we stay fined tuned in order to prevent having to take it in for a complete overhaul.

There was other talk about an alcoholic spouse, and that is terrible - the worst of the worst - and thank God they have moved on; but, that did not just happen over night. Either, they made a mistake by getting into that situation OR it progressed gradually. Could it, or the cause, have been prevented with constant fine tuning? I don't know. I can say I really don't buy the "we just grew apart," "we're just not compatable any more," etc.

You are right, our society is a bit of a mess. That is scary as a parent of young ones. I believe it is a results of declining values, decreased personal responsibility, lack of spirituality, and increasing fast paced lifestyles in which every one wants something new including new spouses. It becomes a pervasive and acceptable attitude in society that is tough to change and is very dangerous. I think all we can do is, just like an Ironman, keep putting one foot in front of the other, do what is right, what is good, and not give up.

Lastly, it may be just a fantasy, but once found it is fantastic! Be patient and uncompromising in the process....Good Luck and keep the faith!

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David
* Ironman for Life! (Blog) * IM Everyday Hero Video * Daggett Shuler Law *
Disclaimer: I have personal and professional relationships with many athletes, vendors, and organizations in the triathlon world.

Tom,

I can't speak for Lance, Kristin, you or anyone else, but I can tell you from my own experience that a happy marriage does NOT have to be a fantasy.

My wife and I will be married ten years this April. We have two beautiful daughters, ages 8 and 9. As in all relationships, there have been tough times (we were in college and she was pregnant when we got married) and there will be MORE tough times to come (someone mentioned "100% happy": THAT is a fantasy!). What has been our strength through the years is the knowledge that God loves us and has blessed us and that no matter what may happen, He is there for us. Yeah, we still argue from time to time and don't always see eye-to-eye on things (like her requirement that I WIN a race before I can upgrade my six-year-old Paramount! We'll see...<grin>), but it always comes back to putting the other person first. It's not "magic" or "luck" or anything other than honoring our commitment to each other and to God.

This may not be what the cycling world wants to hear, but I would rather Lance pass up the Tour and rescue his marriage than win five, six, seven straight and regret losing his family.

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Dave in WI
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"What you once were isn't what you want to be anymore" - Wilco

Breaking the cycle involves the involvement of everyone. This includes the persons in the cycle but the people around them too. It takes introspection and realizing the motivations behind your actions and it takes listening to the people around you who care about you.
If you are a friend of the person it means being supportive and non-judgemental but also pointing out the persons mistake and not being upset when they dont change right away.

I think in general there is too much emphasis on the person. What can I do? the answer is not that simple and may be part fo the cause. When we are so focussed on the individual their impact on the community at large is lost. I think that there is a lot of reinforcement of the needs and wants of the individual in society. It is reinforced in so many subtle ways.

Listen to yourself and listen to the people around you... this would be a good place to start...

I agree with Dave, it takes mutual sacrifice by both parties. You have to be willing to put the other person first. My wife has made many sacrifices in the years I've raced at the Ironman and without her support it may never have happened and I'm sure it would not have been nearly as much fun. This past fall I had planned to go to this crazy long race in the Jordanian desert. Spent a lot of money, trained hard and while I had some minor injuries I felt I could still do the race. However, my wife's mom was very ill, but my wife never said stay home even though I think that was her feeling. The week before the race I decided it was better to stay home. My mother-in-law passed away the very day the race started. I am so glad I was home when my wife needed me the most, rather than sitting in the desert probably beyond reach of anything but a sat-phone. This year though, we have a great vacation planned, late August in Penticton B.C.

PaulR

Lots of great points. To attempt my own lame analogy: Saying that a good relationship is 100% happy is like saying triathlon training is 100% fun. There is a certain amount of pain associated with each. Do you train through an injury, adjust your training, or give up triathlons? "Training through it", i.e. changing nothing, can result in greater injury later on. Adjusting your training may mean giving up long courses but will keep you in the sport. It may also return you to health so that you're in top shape for Kona.

Sure, there are career-ending injuries and events. There are also abusive situations, etc. that call for ending a marriage, even with kids involved. Often, though, people refuse to adjust until they get to the angry/ugly stage and have little hope of rehabbing to get back to an ejoyable level of training. (to shamelessly mix metaphors) Of course, today it seems OK just to decide you don't like triathlon if you drink a little water and go to the next cool sport.

Bill, i liked your comparison of marraige to training, racing and even IMs. You make very good points.

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David
* Ironman for Life! (Blog) * IM Everyday Hero Video * Daggett Shuler Law *
Disclaimer: I have personal and professional relationships with many athletes, vendors, and organizations in the triathlon world.

Dave, I agree. I agree I would be cool with Lance skipping the Tour to rebuild his marriage. I am inclined to say I would sacrifice almost anything to save my previous relationship. The other person wasn't willing, but I think I would have- I wasn't willing to let go of my basic "rights" within a relationship (right to not be lied to- right to honesty, right to maintain my own personality, right to not be abused), but those are pretty basic things. I miss the person terribly: Like being denied air. I love(d) her so dearly. It hasn't made a difference. We never talk to each other. It is awful. Not a day goes by when I don't hurt from it. I'm lucky to have found a kind and understanding person willing to date while I get through this. It is a pain killing drug- but realistically, perhaps a continuation of the "cycle". Sucks.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

Tom,

You know that is the extraordinary thing - you can do all the "right" things. You can be the best partner that you can be. However, in relationships it takes two to tango as they say. If the other person does not want to play, there is not much that you can do. You can do triple back flips trying to be the partner/husband/wife of the year, but it does not seem to matter.

I have been there. I know how you feel. It hurts bad! Longset, hardest and most exhausting race that I have ever run!

I am not trying to brag here, but a positive outcome from the failure of my marriage, was that a number of my male friends sat up and took notice. They were genuinly shocked that it happened to me because they viewed me as the consumate husband/partner. They figured if it could happen to me, it could happen to them or anyone and that they had better make sure they are doing ALL that they can do to make sure that their marriages/relationships where right and good.

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Steve Fleck @stevefleck | Blog