Sounds like a fake post me. And if it is real, it doesn't sound like IM training is the big problem in the marriage if she's posting this here instead of actually having this discussion with her husband face to face.

Apparently your husband is not a trust fund baby, pro triathlete independently wealthy, or recently retired so he needs to get a better job where he can train during normal work hours or come to the realization that there's always going to be someone faster...who doesn't need to work as many hours. Hopefully he will qualify for Kona s oon and get that out of his system, or otherwise come to the realization that his worth in this world is not tied to "sub-10." I trained up to 23 hours/week in 2003 to qualify, with a wife and two kids, but had a lot of freedom at work. My wife supported me through that and enjoyed a great family vacation to Hawaii. Now I train about 6 hours/week doing sprints and Olympic Distance. There are million arguments against my statement, but there is no way a normal person can balance a demanding job, family, and intimacy off doing something without their spouse or kids for 15 to 20 hours per week. My weekends are consumed with kids' lacrosse games, swim meets, cutting the grass, and sneaking a date with the Mrs.. The idea of riding 5 hours on Saturday and running 3 on Sunday is long gone. Thanks for playing.

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Damn, that's a cold ass honkey.

swimfan?

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I miss you "Sports Night"

You go girl......

When I saw the title of this thread I seriously thought it was going to be a letter from someone who's husband actually died in an IM... duh. I'm glad it's not.

Good luck with your marriage.

This problem does not just occur with Ironman. I hear complaints about husbands who hunt all weekend, surf all weekend, plan every work free moment around a hobby. It's complicated and simple at the same time. As a wise therapist once told me, "if you do not express your needs, you have no hope that your needs will ever be met." Well, you did just express your needs and I hope your post was not the first time you expressed your needs. I believe a couple can work together and find solutions to these problems if both desire. Lots of husbands have posted some excellent comments on this thread. You owe it to your marriage and your kids to get to the bottom of this problem before it festers into an irreparable cancer in your marriage.
When I'm at the end of my rope in the marriage, I look at my children's beautiful faces and I can prioritize, lay my anger aside and attempt to verbally work towards a mutual solution. Fortunately, he feels the same way. You can do it! Good luck.

Nice try but we all know that the only "women" who know how to use the internets are either men or cops.

  After living through four years of ironman racing and training with my husband, I decided there was just no way I could do it for another year. So I told him :

"Honey, I really think all this long distance training is having a detrimental effect on your race times. You're doing all this long distance mostly zone 2 type training and it is not doing anything for your speed. I think you should take the next couple of years and do the shorter distances so that you can focus more on high intensity training and less on the long, slow stuff."

He bought it hook, line and sinker. In fact, he's decided that he's only doing olympics and halfs until he ages up again! These past few weeks leading into his A race have been kind of rough, and a reminder of how much IM training sucked. Three workouts a day, in bed at 9 p.m. up at 5 a.m. and, yes boys, too f'ing tired for sex. But it's only about 3 weeks of that rather than 3 months.

I have never had to pick up his slack around the house, we don't have kids and I only work parttime. I am OCD about my own workouts and I enjoy working out with him sometimes so we had that going for us too. All the same, I totally empathize with how you feel and understand that it really is a big sacrifice to support someone through the IM endeavor. Shit just spectating at an IM race is a feat in itself!

Oh and my advice was actually spot on. He did a half this year that he did in '06; conditions on race day were almost identical; he took 3 minutes off his swim time, 12 minutes off his bike time and a minute off his run time!

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Nor do I use punctuation in the way a child sprinkles glitter over a ribbon of glue on construction paper - Trash Talk

Does your husband read ST? If not why are you sending him a letter in public on this forum? Have you talked to him? You obviously are not happy with the situation. Has he refused to listen to your concerns? Are you prepared for the next step if he refuses to listen?

I love and respect my husband very much. We have been married 33 years now and I felt the way you did when we were in our early 20s. Only THEN it was sailing not triathlon. I married an compulsive, competitive and confident (stubborn) man and quiclkly came to the conclusion that was he was not going to change or be resentful if I tried to "force" him to change. I would be a lot worse without him (I did say I loved him) and changing him would only make us both miserable and probably end up divorced. I also realized that the same stubbornness, confidence and quest for excellence were the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.

SO, I stopped rating my husband's affection by how many chores he did around the house. I learned to be strong and independent, develop my own passions. I did the primary care of our daughter. I hired someone when I needed help with "chores". I didn't have to nag, things got done on time and we both were a lot happier. The time we spend together is quality time and he treats me very well. He does work hard as well as play hard and I am fine with that. I have never lacked for anything. (and I do get to go to Hawaii every year) I both support his passions and enjoy my own. As a non-athlete, I have become quite involved in triathlon myself. I know my husband appreciates my support of his passion. (he even brags about it behind my back). When I went through a severe health crisis, he gave up everything to care for me without resentment. Despite being a travel challenge first on kidney dialysis, now in my wheelchair, he will not go to a race unless I can accompany him.

Perhaps your husband is overdoing it. Perhaps you are seeing household chores as a symbol of his affection. Men put a great deal of priority in their passions. Yes, he may need to reel it in a bit. You may also have to accept his drive. He needs to understand your priorities and you need to understand his. In any event you need to talk to him and tell him your concerns.

Hawaii makes a great vacation spot, as does IM Switzerland, IM New Zealand, IM Canada, IM Lake Placid, etc............Is there such thing as a vacation without an Ironman? What do people do on vacation if there is no race?

I consider myself a very lucky girl....

Best wishes for you..

Support Crew

Hey Support Crew, let me be the first to come right out and say...

Will you marry me??

I have no money for a ring tho....just blew it on my dream bike and Zipps. but you can ride on my handlebars

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"I'm going to Green Bay for Brett Favre straight up!" -- Manny Ramirez

Wow. Supportcrew, that was beautifully written. Our marriages sound very parallel. You've got 15 years of marriage on me and I hope I become as wise as you at year 33 of my marriage. You may not be doing triathlon, but you are a very strong woman. Thanks for the wisdom.

Wait until your wife hits 180 pounds. Then you'll experience that kind of tired.

I'm glad I am not married to you! I can see where your priorities are. I hope you don't go bald.

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Support Crew
This information contained herein has been assembled for your assistance and convenience. It is believed to be reliable, however, its accuracy cannot be guaranteed. All opinions shown are subject to change without notice.

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What if the Hokey Pokey is what it is all about?

Here you go I have no idea how many Ironmans your husband has done but I have to guess this is his first or second Ironman. Ironman training comes down to compromise! I am training for my 8th Ironman right now. I did CDA in June and am now training for Arizona in the fall with only one thing in mind to qualify for Kona so I know how he feels. Two years ago my wife would have written this same message and she told me basically what you wrote here. It is said that Ironman per capita (IM paticipant or in training) has caused more divorces than anything else. It is very hard to change your training ways mid way through your year so let it take its couse. I think your have been heard. My wife had this same conversation about two weeks before my race in 2006, she lost it and said this is it no more Ironman’s period. Well that wasn't going to happen so some big time compromises were made. I have done two Ironmans since and by the way the next year with about five less hours per week I took an hour off my best time 10:59. In hind sight I was over the top even my coach said you didn’t complain so I kept dishing it out.

The compromise: I have three young school age kids so I take them Monday, Wednesday and Friday to school Tuesdays and Thursday morning and evening are mine. I make dinner as much as possible, hire baby sitters when needed, think for a second that this world doesn't revolve around me, me, me. Saturday long rides start early never to go past noon and no riding on Sundays. Family special events, school events come before my addiction. Incorporate as many wife or family workout activities as possible, like long runs where she or the kids ride you run or have them meet you at the end and you all run together. Sounds silly but it works out great. My saving grace is my wife took up marathons so we can run together with the kids in tow on their bikes or baby jogger. Now that she completed her first marathon she has a much better appreciation of how I feel after a long run or bike something she would have never had the previous years. I did her first marathon with her in June, good for me long run prep for CDA also was able to work on her subconscious mind during those last 8 miles.

Ask Tri Body Border he sees me out there with wife, kids and dog in tow. It is a balancing act that is for sure. There is always the alternative bar hopping with buddies on Friday nights...

Best Wishes!!!!

James

Haha. I was thinking maybe the OP should post a pic, then we can more accurately judge what (or who) the real problem is in the relationship. There are two sides to every story, right?

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"If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms." -- Mike Ditka

To everyone who thinks we're all crazy to put in that many hours, I remind them that we could be:
-play golf
-drink at the bar
-drink at our buddies
-work longer

the list goes on and on and on and on..... The point is that we need to have a release valve. Some of us train, some do other things but its always something.

I think you should build a bridge .......... and get over it.


.

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http://j-motrilife.blogspot.com/

Nice try but we all know that the only "women" who know how to use the internets are either men or cops.

Oh and yet another insightful statement from Learn!

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I have failed at many things, but never in my desire to try again.

James, wasn't that you I saw stumbling out of the OC Tavern the other night? Ha, ha. Jokes!
Good post! You're right on the money about this. Definitely a balancing act with the family and with your three daughters, you seem to have it wired James!

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My business-eBodyboarding.com

 I was thinking 150!

I stand corrected. Where your PRIORITY is, as you only showed the one. Superficial. 2 a: concerned only with the obvious or apparent : shallow

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Support Crew
This information contained herein has been assembled for your assistance and convenience. It is believed to be reliable, however, its accuracy cannot be guaranteed. All opinions shown are subject to change without notice.

I loved your first post and then you go and imply that baldness is ugly thus making you seem as shallow as the poster you were replying too. I'm bald and my wife loves me. If she was 180 pounds, I'd love her.
Maybe you should think as hard about your retorts to posters as you did with your first really nice post.

-Mike

I guess all bald people are ugly? Now I really feel bad about myself.

My husband is bald also! I WAS MAKING A POINT! Judging people based on appearances is shallow. Jusy because someone is overweight OR bald does not make them less of a person! In my mind NEITHER is ugly.

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Support Crew
This information contained herein has been assembled for your assistance and convenience. It is believed to be reliable, however, its accuracy cannot be guaranteed. All opinions shown are subject to change without notice.