I don't see the perspective of having to have the spouse follow along to races or participate in other hobbies. A married person is allowed to have their own life and in a secure marriage the spouse shouldn't be so needy as to have to have the other participate in all their activities. It's nice once in a while yes. Necessary? No.

OTOH, bitching about the spouses hobbies and inhibiting participation is a big No No. Been going strong 22 years of marriage this way.

I didn't read what AndyPants said in that other thread, but my Ironman journey definitely changed me too, and I was the spouse that asked for the divorce.

I decided to do a sprint tri after watching the Sydney olympics - I was just over 30, with a new baby, and fat. The gold medal winner had just had a baby 10 months ago, so I identified with her to some degree, and thought if she could win a gold medal, I could at least get off my fat ass. Prior to that, there had been nearly no regular physical activity since college. Looking back, I think I was going through a depressed period in my 20's and early 30's. Whether I can thank the exercised induced endorphins, the structure of training, the time allowed to take for myself, I was able to slowly climb out. As the fog lifted and I became more involved and more fit and moving up to longer distances, my husband stayed stagnant. He was supportive at first but then got sick of it, whether because of the time spent or because he could tell I was changing inside as well as outside, I don't know. Or maybe I wasn't changing, maybe I was just growing up, becoming more clear on who I was, who he was, and what was good for me.

6 years later and my 1st Ironman finish complete, the turning point for me was an anniversary party for my best friend and her Ironman husband (who was one of my training partners). The host asked us to go around the room and say what we loved best about our spouse. Every wife in that room seemed to have something special to say about her husband - he is passionate, he is loyal, he is goal-oriented, he is warm and caring, he is a good provider, he is a good father, etc. I excused myself to go to the rest room before the question came around to me, and I hid in there for a while, because all I could think to say was that my husband was funny. He wasn't any of those things, but he sure was funny! It was like a cold glass of water dumped on my head. From that day on I couldn't look at him the same way without finding something inadequate. 2 years later, by then a 2 time IM, I told him "I can't do this anymore."

He blames Ironman for the divorce, but I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had stayed on that unhealthy, depressed path.

Very nicely stated.
I think as some others has said it very much depends upon circumstances and there are obviously limitless ones.
if it is genuinely causing disruptions in the relationship due to missed events or lack of attention to the fundamental structure of the relationship then it should be discussed and compromise attempted.
The thought that a spouse does not support the other because they are excelling,have increased self-esteem,image,etc. or feel that the athletic spouse should spend all of their time with the other as "quality" time,shouts of an underlying issue with insecurity,low self-esteem.
We marry the person in front of us,NOT the person we want them to be or that they can be molded into.

Terry

I'm a 16:28 Ironman. I would be faster if I threw my life more out of balance but for an endurance athlete, I have to say that I train more on the hobby level and am content to be in the back of the pack. The fun people are all back there anyway. So I know myself well enough to know that I'm not going to click with a sub-3 marathoner who follows a strict diet plan. But I'm not doing well with Mr. Passionless, either. Someone in between like me, perhaps???

It's just harder than all that. I still love him, and the fact that I'm on my way out the door (I moved out and everything) is breaking his heart. At the same time, he needs to help himself. He wants me to reach my goals but he doesn't have anything that he does where I can return the favor and be supportive. Truthfully, I'm not sure that he even knows what he wants, except that he's unhappy (you're right), but I can't fix that for him.

I told my therapist this story: a while back, we were running together - he does run a little although he doesn't have the love for it that I do - and we were running up a hill. He was struggling; meanwhile, a good song came on my ipod so I was smiling and dancing up the hill. He snapped at me, "Just go!!!" because I'm faster than him and he was angry that I was happy while he was struggling. The solution to him isn't for him to find a way to be happier, it's for me to find a way to be unhappier. He'll say it's not so but deep down, that's been our whole marriage. I was unhappy and unhealthy when we met 6 years ago; as I grew, I've always been the one to concede and when I started doing things for me, it drove us apart.

As for my club....all married, gay, or crazier than I am. I'm a 16:28 Ironman. I would be faster if I threw my life more out of balance but for an endurance athlete, I have to say that I train more on the hobby level and am content to be in the back of the pack. The fun people are all back there anyway. So I know myself well enough to know that I'm not going to click with a sub-3 marathoner who follows a strict diet plan. But I'm not doing well with Mr. Passionless, either. Someone in between like me, perhaps???

Jealously is a real challenge. I'm still trying to find a way to get my wife motivated to do something active or find some hobby. Some women really are content on being great moms/parents as the focus of their life... but most are not. I'm not saying that they don't love to be moms or love their children, but it they don't want that to define them. My wife's job took a turn where she no longer enjoys it, and it's really created a large gap in her life.

My compromise is that in 2 years, I hang it up.. or at least bakc it down ot rational traiing volumes where he schedule and commitments are priority... and it's "her turn" to be committed to a goal or hobby.

He apparently leans on you for a big piece of his identity - if he's not with you (& you're not with him) then who is he?

" not convinced that I need to find another runner/triathlete but I am convinced that I need to find someone with some kind of passion for life. In the meantime, I've met some wonderful people at races - male and female - and surrounding myself with some positivity reminds me that there's more in the world than the narrow world I was stuck in."