Tom,

I can't speak for Lance, Kristin, you or anyone else, but I can tell you from my own experience that a happy marriage does NOT have to be a fantasy.

My wife and I will be married ten years this April. We have two beautiful daughters, ages 8 and 9. As in all relationships, there have been tough times (we were in college and she was pregnant when we got married) and there will be MORE tough times to come (someone mentioned "100% happy": THAT is a fantasy!). What has been our strength through the years is the knowledge that God loves us and has blessed us and that no matter what may happen, He is there for us. Yeah, we still argue from time to time and don't always see eye-to-eye on things (like her requirement that I WIN a race before I can upgrade my six-year-old Paramount! We'll see...<grin>), but it always comes back to putting the other person first. It's not "magic" or "luck" or anything other than honoring our commitment to each other and to God.

This may not be what the cycling world wants to hear, but I would rather Lance pass up the Tour and rescue his marriage than win five, six, seven straight and regret losing his family.

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Dave in WI
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"What you once were isn't what you want to be anymore" - Wilco

Breaking the cycle involves the involvement of everyone. This includes the persons in the cycle but the people around them too. It takes introspection and realizing the motivations behind your actions and it takes listening to the people around you who care about you.
If you are a friend of the person it means being supportive and non-judgemental but also pointing out the persons mistake and not being upset when they dont change right away.

I think in general there is too much emphasis on the person. What can I do? the answer is not that simple and may be part fo the cause. When we are so focussed on the individual their impact on the community at large is lost. I think that there is a lot of reinforcement of the needs and wants of the individual in society. It is reinforced in so many subtle ways.

Listen to yourself and listen to the people around you... this would be a good place to start...

I agree with Dave, it takes mutual sacrifice by both parties. You have to be willing to put the other person first. My wife has made many sacrifices in the years I've raced at the Ironman and without her support it may never have happened and I'm sure it would not have been nearly as much fun. This past fall I had planned to go to this crazy long race in the Jordanian desert. Spent a lot of money, trained hard and while I had some minor injuries I felt I could still do the race. However, my wife's mom was very ill, but my wife never said stay home even though I think that was her feeling. The week before the race I decided it was better to stay home. My mother-in-law passed away the very day the race started. I am so glad I was home when my wife needed me the most, rather than sitting in the desert probably beyond reach of anything but a sat-phone. This year though, we have a great vacation planned, late August in Penticton B.C.

PaulR

Lots of great points. To attempt my own lame analogy: Saying that a good relationship is 100% happy is like saying triathlon training is 100% fun. There is a certain amount of pain associated with each. Do you train through an injury, adjust your training, or give up triathlons? "Training through it", i.e. changing nothing, can result in greater injury later on. Adjusting your training may mean giving up long courses but will keep you in the sport. It may also return you to health so that you're in top shape for Kona.

Sure, there are career-ending injuries and events. There are also abusive situations, etc. that call for ending a marriage, even with kids involved. Often, though, people refuse to adjust until they get to the angry/ugly stage and have little hope of rehabbing to get back to an ejoyable level of training. (to shamelessly mix metaphors) Of course, today it seems OK just to decide you don't like triathlon if you drink a little water and go to the next cool sport.

Bill, i liked your comparison of marraige to training, racing and even IMs. You make very good points.

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David
* Ironman for Life! (Blog) * IM Everyday Hero Video * Daggett Shuler Law *
Disclaimer: I have personal and professional relationships with many athletes, vendors, and organizations in the triathlon world.

Dave, I agree. I agree I would be cool with Lance skipping the Tour to rebuild his marriage. I am inclined to say I would sacrifice almost anything to save my previous relationship. The other person wasn't willing, but I think I would have- I wasn't willing to let go of my basic "rights" within a relationship (right to not be lied to- right to honesty, right to maintain my own personality, right to not be abused), but those are pretty basic things. I miss the person terribly: Like being denied air. I love(d) her so dearly. It hasn't made a difference. We never talk to each other. It is awful. Not a day goes by when I don't hurt from it. I'm lucky to have found a kind and understanding person willing to date while I get through this. It is a pain killing drug- but realistically, perhaps a continuation of the "cycle". Sucks.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

Tom,

You know that is the extraordinary thing - you can do all the "right" things. You can be the best partner that you can be. However, in relationships it takes two to tango as they say. If the other person does not want to play, there is not much that you can do. You can do triple back flips trying to be the partner/husband/wife of the year, but it does not seem to matter.

I have been there. I know how you feel. It hurts bad! Longset, hardest and most exhausting race that I have ever run!

I am not trying to brag here, but a positive outcome from the failure of my marriage, was that a number of my male friends sat up and took notice. They were genuinly shocked that it happened to me because they viewed me as the consumate husband/partner. They figured if it could happen to me, it could happen to them or anyone and that they had better make sure they are doing ALL that they can do to make sure that their marriages/relationships where right and good.

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Steve Fleck @stevefleck | Blog