Tom...Sounds like she wasn't a "good fit." ;-)

Good luck.

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http://wattieink.com/elite-team/
Raising funds to help wounded veterans and racing RAAM 2013 with http://team4mil.org/
"If you are gonna charge... CHARGE HARD!"

At the risk of sharing too much...

Two years ago, I had a crush on this girl and we decided to give it a go. The "relationship" lasted all of a week before she decided she did not want anything to do with me. Man was I pissed... she was feeding me excuses, but in the end, the only thing I could see in my angered state was that she did not find me physically attractive.

At the time, I was about 60 pounds overweight, which was a huge source of my own insecurity. From this point, I decided it was time to make a change because I was just so damn frustrated with making excuses. A wise man once said "Excuses are like a crutch - for the lame and the weak." I finally took it to heart.

I started training with a friend of mine, just running 3-4 miles each morning and swimming once or twice a week. During these workouts was a great time to think and talk with my friend about how upset I was that it did not work out. He was incredibly supportive (much like the people on slowtwitch) and encouraged me to forget about her by focusing on myself. I registered to do a roughly olympic distance tri and competed about 2 months later on some running, a little swimming, and no cycling to speak of. The rush I got at about 1 mile left on the run helped me to realize that I was capable of so much more than just agonizing over love lost.

Fast forward to today... I am living with the aforementioned girl, happier than I have ever been, and training for 2 half ironmans and potentially Great Floridian this fall. I am still about 20 pounds overweight, but working on that one ;-)

My girlfriend and I have had several conversations about our rocky start - turns out she was initially turned off because I lacked focus... like there was something missing in my life which effected my emotional state. After finding friends and the sport of triathlon, everything seemed to fall into place.

Turns out the initial rejection was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Bottom line: everything turns out for the best, whether you know it or not.

Tom - immerse yourself in the things you love and the people that love you. Then, when you see her on race day, it will mean nothing to you.

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Mike Hollywood
http://www.bostontriathlonteam.com
http://www.michaelhollywood.com

I know it's not funny to you but I have been rereading your post and laughing at my computer screen for 10 minutes. Andrew, move to Michigan; go to work with Tom; enter a race together; team up so you can get your ex's in a position situation next to a marshall and have them stood down for 3 minutes. What a way to get them back.

Bob Sigerson

I swear I thought this was a triathlon site. Tom, my friend, you are in what is called a flat spin.(not good) You will not be able to pull out with the feelings you have now. Like the feelings about still being crazy about this chick and can't get her out of your head. She is probably partly agitated because you won't just go away. This doesn't mean your finished, but you are for some time. You need to regroup. Admit it, the paper boy could take you right now. There are a couple things you must remember to help you get back on track.

1) Women always want something they know they can't have. (you gotta get off that platter)

2) Women are like cats and can see right through you. (desperate is no way to go through life)

3) They are still just chicks.

The process of even being able to get her back must take a back seat to getting off the platter. The easiest way to get off the platter is to get a new a girl. You need to have fun with a girl and move on for now. This will help you get out of your funk. Remember, What's the easiest way to help a 3 year old get over losing a puppy?.............a new puppy. So get that new puppy(chick) and take her to IM Wisconsin and have a great time. When the ex notices your having a great time and believe me they know(cat reference). Instead of trying to change her mind, you have to change your mind first. You will do one of two things #1) not care, which is your only option of possibly getting her back, women are actually attracted to the not care thing, even though they will never admit it. #2) Pretend you don't care, she sees that and you fold like a deck of cards, then start from zero. If you follow option one, she may even call you and then you will be over it by then and not really care either way.

Now go get that puppy!

I am not a psychiatrist, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Well said Buzzy. Reminds me of the movie "Swingers"

"somehow they know not to come back until you really forget..." :o)

Woody

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Mike Hollywood
http://www.bostontriathlonteam.com
http://www.michaelhollywood.com

Tom,

Here is what worked for me. I have a very vindictive ex-wife whom I must try to tolerate since we have 7yr old twin girls together.

I had deep resentments against her for having an affair during our marriage and then a bitter divorce where I gave up my home and pay $$ for child support.

Anyhow, look at your part in the relationship and anything you have done wrong, we all make mistakes, and apologize to her for your part. Don't expect to make peace or a favorable reaction from her, do this for yourself.

Once you are done, you have a clear conscious and you can move on, if she starts ranting and blaming you and calling you names, although she probably won't - she will just be confused, just tell her you are sorry she feels that way.

Done. Now you owe her nothing and you have taken the power away from her to be angry at you. How can you be angry at someone who has just apologized? If she still has problems, you will realize she is a sick person and probably feel some compassion towards her.

Do it for yourself, not to make peace or try to be friends, but just to keep your side of the street clean. Very simple but very effective. No mind games or anything, just muster up a bit of humility and dignity and you win !

Ross

[reply]She's not receptive to the peace plan (my preference...) so it looks like the "ignore her" route is the only option.[/reply]

Man, go beyond ignore. When she launches into you, just smile! It's amazing what will happen -- it will either totally disarm her or send her over the edge. Either way, you win (not that it's a contest, it's just that you become the better man for it), and you don't stoop to her level to do it. And it'll give you something to laugh about in the future.

Jeez, think of the agony this break up saved you -- you could have been MARRIED to the girl.

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Some are born to move the world to live their fantasies...

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How we end relationships says a lot about our character, in my view. Both the dumpee and the dumpor need a lot of emotional balance and humanity to do it right.

Consistent niceness works the best in the long run. This is known in Christianity as turning the other cheek. :) This also helps diffuse her anger because she can't "feed" off your anger. But...it is also the right thing to do. Why spread anger when you can do your best to spread peace? Like the little girl who saved the starfish one at a time and made a difference to "that one", we can all make a difference one person at a time by taking every opportunity to spread joy.

Peace! :),

-Robert

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"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." ~Anne Frank

"Jeez, think of the agony this break up saved you -- you could have been MARRIED to the girl. "


That was my point when I said that she's only a girlfriend. I wish my breakup was that simple. Tom doesn't have to worry about haggling over the house, furniture and dog not to mention the kids, so it shouldn't be all that big a deal unless, despite the anamosity, they are still carrying a flame for each other.

BTW, I did get to keep the dog.

Ever think it may just be easier to get a new hotter, friendlier, less combative girflfriend?

If Tom shows up with some tri-babe on his arm who captures more of his attention, perhaps he'll have to worry less about the battles with the ex

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Craig Preston - President / Preston Presentations
Saving the world with more professional, powerful, and persuasive presentations - one audience at a time.

funny as hell now.

I sat and moped around for 2 months going what if, this and that......

Then I realised I was being a complete Puss and that it was here loss, I'm here training and living where I want to live, you cant tell people how to live their lives and I made no secret that I did not want to stay in Chicago and staying their solely for her would not have been a wise decision in the long run for us...........

Three months on I would not change a thing, except I wish I had a job out here. Tom, come out here and open a store.............

Who would not want to be in Boulder if you like the outdoors and fitness?

It does still chap my hide that she might end up in school here but I've seen enough Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies to know how to deal with that :)

i , for one want to hear andrew say "make my day" or "waaaahhhhl listen pardner" with a british accent !!!

First off, thank each one of your very much. All of your advice has really made me feel better and actually reinforced how I felt I should handle the situation:

1. Be kind: Never lower myself to the level of a person who is negative or unkind. Kindness and understanding can't go wrong. I've never contemplated anything like that anyway. It just isn't me.
2. Do my own thing. It's over- time to move on. Yeah, a little easier said than done, but necessary none the less. I've done things much more difficult.
3. Let her be. Obviously, not even an issue. The last thing I want in the world is contact with her now.

Your suggestions and support help and mean a lot. Also, some of you guys helped put this in perspective by seeing the humor in it (it is there too....) and also by relating your experiences which are admittedly much more severe.

Thanks again.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

I should add this too: Since a couple weeks after the big break-up about six weeks ago I've been fortunate enough to be dating the most wonderful, kind and understanding young lady I think I've ever known. She is French-Canadian and so much more beautiful than I ever deserve that I often can't believe my good fortune. It seems like a huge swing of positive karma, so there is a huge silver lining. There was mutual concern over a "rebound" situation. Only time will tell. She has been understanding of the entire situation, including one pretty ugly incident perpetuated by the "mean ex". My current associate showed amazing poise and wisdom and kindness following that, demonstrating all the more what a fine person she is. Lots of lessons to be learned. Surely not all of them yet learned, all staged against the backdrop of our sport. Thanks again guys. I'm surprised we didn't hear from Dan E. on this one. Before he settled down I belive he was a rather popular man.....

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

"Hate is natural and perfectly within your rights."

Dude you've gotta talk to somebody. Hate is a "normal" human emotion among others but it is the most negative and destructive. It leads nowhere, particularly if it lingers. I "hated" my ex wife for awhile during our breakup. But that only lasted for about five minutes or so once I sat down and realized that I was 50% of the problem. In failed relationships things are not black and white but gray. No one person is to blame. Both are.

"I should add this too"

Tom, with women/relationships it seems to me you're like a twenty-something yr. old mind inside that (very fit) forty year old body. Most guys your age aren't still in the bachelor stage, but then not many have lived the exciting life that you have either. This demonstrates that life is just a big compromise.

You're a brave man showing your personal side in cyberspace, but it seems that you've also found a lot of sympathetic friends here who can relate in one way or another. Of course when over the net, it's sometimes hard to tell whether this advice is coming from teenagers or mature seasoned veterans.

My final advice is never try to find love. Let it find you. In my life it's always only arrived when not looking.

BTW Looking forward to your next bike reviews!!

Stop having girlfriends. Get married. Worked for me. ;-)

I don't know your religious bent, but there is always the "WWJD" question you can ask yourself. The answers to life's questions lie within you, and are rooted in your core values.

"I wanted to marry this person.....I think we were both too scared."

Sorry to not let this die Tom. Maybe you should have tried living together first. Quite socially acceptable in this day and age. Although we call and consider ourselves husband and wife, we're common law. Works great for us for the past five years . Both been down the big church wedding thing before and ended up divorced, just like 40% of the population. When you really think about it the piece of paper is a bit of a joke. Our co-signature on the mortgage is more of a commitment than a paper that says we're legally married. Maybe we will make it "legal" again, although in Canada (and I assume the USA) the law treats common law couples the same after a year. It's just not much of a priority right now.

"The couple that trains together stays together."

You know, I was gonna ask about that French Canadian girl who'd been doting on you, but thought it perhaps a tad insensitive to ask. I'm glad to hear that you do indeed have this wonderfully positive influence in your life. I'm also glad to hear (read) your final decisions re: how to handle this situation. I remained silent not having a hell of a lot of advice to offer, but have followed this thread with great interest. You are handling this situation with class, and I commend you for it. Also all the posters who responded with such great advice. If only I'd hung out here 4 years ago when my raison d'etre (girlfriend) dumped me and I wanted to die...

K

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