"F*ck her"

Dont worry about her. If you see her, be civil, but DO NOT make conversation.

Do not talk to her, about her, etc. If you must be in the same room as her, just pretend shes not there.

Basically, try and wipe her completely out of your mind, and forget about anything to do with her.
Be polite to her, but dont involve yourself with her at all.

I had a major fight with this asshole i used to live with, i still hate him, he hates me, but we dont talk and everyone is happy. i just dont think about him, or worry about it.

if you stress about it, its going to get to you, if you just forget about it, you'll have the race of your life (if you hit the wall, take all the pent up anger and bring it out there...you'll kick ass!)



good luck!

-kevin

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"Anyone can work hard when they want to; Champions do it when they don't."

I'd agree. And of course, this is all from the "easier said than done" department, right? But yeah - forget her. There *are* a lot of people there and if luck holds maybe you won't run into her. Hell, I tried for 5 days at IMLP to catch up with a buddy of mine and never did find him. I'd just blow her off if I did run into her and if for some rason she pisses you off, do like Lance: "Those fat Frenchmen make me want to KILL!" Before I met my wife I went through a very ugly and protracted breakup with a girl (not woman, girl) who said to me after I hurt myself training for a marathon: "Oh, forget it. You'll never finish one of those." Mostly out of jealousy. I've used that to get through more bad days racing than I can tell you. And as it turns out, I keep hearing second-hand how she is going to do such and such a race this year, and it never happens. I used to think I'd go to the same race on purpose so I could beat her into the ground, and then I said you know what? Not worth your time. She's small potatoes and she probably wouldn't even get the irony anyway. I did eventually run into her once, just kinda said "Hi" and kept going. Not nearly what I expected it to turn into. Of course, that's just my experience, your mileage may vary.

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"To give less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." - Pre

MattMizenko.com

I wish life was so simple. C'mon Tom it's time for you both to bury the past and get on with life. After all she's only an ex-girlfriend. Some of us have ex wives that we spent fifteen years with and are still connected to because of kids. I have an ex-girlfriend that was a two year stint between my ex and current wives and we're really good friends who keep in touch regularly.

Either totally ignore her or make peace with her. It's best to make peace, but it takes two to tango. Just go run the race and don't worry about it.

If you run into her just say "hello, I hope all is going well with you. take care, have a good race, I'm off to meet some friends" Boom walk away end of conversation. Better to minimize any contact then let it get out of control. I hope you two don't run into each other. Remember niceness the ex kills anger makes them come after you.

Based on what you've shared:

Avoidance, doesn't sound like an option based on the break-up at St. Croix and both of you racing WI. Seems like both of you have the potential to travel in the same circles for some time. (?)

Making peace has already been ruled-out.... I'm a peacemaker at heart so I don't give-up easy...Sounds like she's declared war and wants her pound of flesh. Man, you really know how to evoke the passion!

Option 1: Ask yourself, what does she want from me. If you don't know, ask. Yikes! Decide yea/nea whether you can give it. My guess would be some form of validation of what it was/has been like for her. You can empathize with her feelings, acknowledge them, say that how she feels about xyz even makes sense to you as you try to understand it from her position, without any requirement on your part that you have to agree with her positions. If you can't in good conscious give her what she wants, say so, and ask how do we handle this from here?

Option 2: Agree to meet with a mediator. If no dice on her part, meaning she's coming after the pound of flesh consider #3

Option 3: Restraining order.

The reason it bothers you is because like the rest of us here you do not want to fail. It sounds like the problems were caused on both sides, but somehow you feel as if it was your fault. Well so what if it was. If you look at it this way--she is like that clincher tire that blew a flat in a race and unfortunately you do not have a spare with you, so you suck it up and walk back to the finish line. Get in the car and start thinking about the next big race that is coming up. Sound corny! I tell you I was with a girl for seven years and never realized she wasn't the one, we fought all the time but it was easier just to stay together.

The great thing about life is that you will always meet someone else. And usually its when you don't expect it. Tom I'm sure you have enough other things to do that make you happy--Just do them. Life will go on and you will be happy again. Its just that simple.

I'm sure you suffered more in the desert that you are right now! Think back to that and relish the fact that your life is good. You have what the rest of wish we had--a BIKE SHOP.

Be good--Matt

A girl I spent two years courting without success is doing IM USA with her new fiance this year. My new goal is to lap him on the run. Childish, i know, but motivating all the same.

A friend of mine did the full vineman a couple of years ago on a week's notice without training for it. The night before he was up to 3-4 am ending things with his now ex-wife. Race day he uncorked a 10:05 or so for his first ironman (he couldn't walk right for a couple of months afterwards).

The point is, problems with a (ex)significant other offer training and racing motivation like nothing else. Enjoy it while it lasts!

On a serious note, the most important thing is to be happy with who and where you are in this life. Don't let interactions with other people change your sense of self-worth or detract from your purpose. Best of luck.

J

3 ideas for you tom.

1. iridium oakleys. ha ! zero eye contact counts for something, ask your friendly mirror shaded state trooper.

2. the old "control what you can" thing. your responce is your deal. your plan and activities are your deal. who you hang out with is your deal. you know ten bazillion guys from this forum alone so if the old circle puts you in a tight spot get a new circle.

3. never underestimate the power of laughing at yourself. simply saying something like " look at me, xxx years old and still struck down by a chick like a high schooler. man do i ( all guys?) suck, or what?" could have considerble power to free you from the trap you are temporarily in.

Tom I was in WI and saw maybe 3 dozen people I knew out of the 3000+ that were in town for the race. There were people I knew that I never saw and I met people I did not know. Dont worry about it.

If you do run in to her, blow her off dont stand around chit chatting it will only F**k you up, say nice to see you, got to run period, thats it move on.

You want to hear something F**ked up?

I lost my job just before WI so decided that moving to CO was going to happen eventually so no time like the present and I left.

GF stayed but was going to come out and then I'd go back for thanksgiving. Well inevitably that did not happen and she called and said we were done.

Saw her at Xmas for an hour on my way back to the UK and it was nauseating so I left.

Middle of January rolls around and I get an e-mail that she signed up for WF and tried to get in to Alcatraz. This in spite of the fact she did not know what a tri was this time last year. On top of which she's applied to Grad school at CU. I was just like WTF, of the 49 contiguous US states with what? three cities apiece, for a grand total of 147 cities with at least one Uni in each, she picks the one I moved to????????????

Well the town aint big enough for both of us and I was here first :)

Just ignore her. I'm sure that with 2000 entrants you'll be able to keep away from her (hopefully Graham and the crew don't put you near her in the transititon area!). Definitely don't let her being there mess up your race. Another thought...... make sure you kick her ass in the race (but don't kick her in the swim ... that would be mean)! It will keep the stereotypical fragile male ego intact :)

Who said this issn't a team sport?!? That's waht I needed, a decent pep talk. The negativity and anger she gives off has really bothered me. Your experiences and advice; Allan, Andrewmc, t-t-n, jeffm, Matt Berner, Chappy, desert dude, cerveloguy, MattMiz, Kevin_Queens: Have all helped gain insight and confidence in dealing with this. It's odd, I can jump out a plane at night, swim with sharks, run across the desert, live in the jungle for a month, do over 200 triathlons but this little girl kicks my butt. I'm a weak person when it comes to this. You guys helped- Thank you very much. I needed the locker room pep talk.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

If or when you see her, remember this... The ultimate form of insult is indifference.... However, a really good looking blond (hell, it's a fantasy...) and brunette under BOTH arms wouldn't hurt either

FWIW Joe Moya

At least you got into IMoo ... it closed before I could enter... NOW, (in my book) that's a LOSS .

Final note, ...O.K., when you feel like you've been given a bad deal... here's what I guarantee you will work (and, I use that word "guarantee" very few times). Go to a local Hospital's Pediatric Critical Care unit... you'll soon see it's all relative.

Arabic proverb: "I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet." You're right Joe M., Thanks.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

Here's my advice. . . Put your head down and train and work your ass off for a month or two. Stay away from women during this work-hermitage. Before you know it, it's March. You're head's clear. You're in great shape and your company is doing better than ever. By the summer she'll be just another triathlete to you.

-MK

Hey Marc, it's 12:17 a.m.and I'm still here at work writing, eating pizza and putting the Compu-Trainers away. I'm doing the work-hermitage thing and it is helping. More good advice. Thanks.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

Hey Tom,

I feel foolish replying since I don't know you, her, or the situation, but here's the thought I've come to after a few unpleasant experiences. It may or may not help.

Accept as much responsibility as you possibly can for the situation. Weird and counterintuitive but when I took on the responsibiity and stopped blaming the other person, even if all indications seemed to show it was her fault, I felt better. I don't even really know why. Maybe it's because, arguably, the most difficult things about relationships for some of us is dealing with the idea that we don't really have as much control over it or the other person's emotions as we like. Weird and narcissistic it may be, but it's hard to escape your wiring sometimes. Maybe feeding into that narcissism by, claiming resonsibility, helps certain temperaments(like mine, maybe not yours).

So, if other stuff doesn't work, try accepting as much control as possible and don't see yourself in any way as a victim(not that I'm saying you do). Everything past that point of personal responsibility, discard outright as things utterly and totally out of your control. Over time that boundary can change too.

Train hard, have fun, and occassionally think about that day when you're old and imagine how ridiculous this all will seem then and how you'll wish you hadn't wasted any precious time on it.

Later.

[reply]
My mean ex-girlfriend is still doing IM Wisconsin and despite my best efforts I'll probably run into her there. I was going to St. Croix with her but when we broke up (it was ugly) I cancelled the trip. Any ideas on dealing with this situation? It really sucks. I am good at the mental game, but this is below the belt. She is an unbelievably angry person and it upsets me- I don't need that race day. No, we can't make peace, believe me. I tried. Bush and Hussein are more likely to be buddies. Advice- come on guys, bail me out here. [/reply]

Give her a litespeed blade model year 2002.

;-))

Bav_Frank

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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.

alcohol...

strewth i know some mean cocktails. these kiddies make you forget about anything!

hey dude you are single now. go out and enjoy the race. you will be surrounded by girls in swim-suits. what more do you need....

Tom, I hope you are not still awake reading this at this hour. You have almost 8 months before IM WI. A lot can change in that time frame. Be patient with your current situation, if it is a recent breakup, both you and your ex's wounds are still fresh. You don't need to make any decisions right now anyway. Treat her with respect and kindness when you cross paths it is always the best and most mature way to deal with it.

I did IMWI this year, and as you know there were lots of people from the Metro Detroit area that did the race, I did not see most of them for the entire race (maybe I need to get a little faster). Stay focused on your training and put her behind you and move on.

JT

It's ok to hate her. I say go with it. My ex had her new boyfriend threaten to arrest and sue me. I won't go into the details but I still hate her to this day (5 years later). It's the only thing that keeps me from wanting to sleep with her again. Hate is natural and perfectly within your rights.

[reply]
On a serious note, the most important thing is to be happy with who and where you are in this life. Don't let interactions with other people change your sense of self-worth or detract from your purpose. Best of luck. [/reply]

Amen Jeff!

Tom, why does it bother you so much? You can't change how people think/feel, only your reaction to them. And, in 100 years, where you are dead and gone, will it matter?

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

Hey Tom, sorry to hear about your situation. its something we all have been through.

I guess for me, I look at the good times we had and the pure joy I experienced (removing the negative times). Then I take that feeling, increase it 100x, and know thats the magnitude of joy I will experience when I truly find the right girl. That thought alone gets me excited about the future, and relieved that this relationship ended so I can find that girl.

So forget her, shes not worth the weight shes bearing on your shoulders. shes not right for you, and you already know that. you should thank god that the relationship didnt go farther, because it then would have been a waste of your time (that could have been spent training, invested in more important relationships, or better yet, sleeping) and money (that could have been spent on more aero wheels, a nice dinner or bottle of wine, a trip to costa rica etc). learn the lesson from this experience, and treat it as such. be excited about the endless possibilities for the future

Keep your head up

Don't make it yours. If she's the one who's mean and nasty, just don't play into it. The only reason she'd be doing it is to get a rise out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction. She still has to go home, and she'll still be mean. Be the duck -- let it run off your back.

[reply]I am good at the mental game, but this is below the belt.[/reply]

Umm. Okay. So you're trying to say she doesn't have a right to go to a race? Get over it! If she's going to the race just to spite you, then let her be a spiteful person and don't play into it (again). Be the man.