I have a similar problem although I'm just starting training for my 5th IM.

I sit my wife down, and I slowly say "I want to do IM again. Do I have your permission? Can I have the necessary money? Do you accept that I will be an increasing asshole for the next 9 months"

Assuming she says yes, which she does say every 2-3 years, then 3 months before IM when we haven't seen each other for about 2 months, except for me to bitch that there's no food in the house and where are some clean workout clothes, I just tell her to shut up and stop whining. She agreed to it all!

You can see why she only agrees every few years. My one trick is, in the off years, I try to be as much of a bastard as possible and spend as much money as possible, so IM years don't seem so bad! :-)

Best of luck and may your next partner be more accommodating. ;-)

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TriDork

"Happiness is a myth. All you can hope for is to get laid once in a while, drunk once in a while and to eat chocolate every day"

"You sound kind of bummed out, which is what happens when your best friend isn't excited about the same things you are excited about."

I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Good thing about ST, we're excited for AndyPants. I know I live vicariously through all those moms who are able to tackle the IM monster.

That's it, he is my bestest friend in the world, and he's not excited for me. Or not as excited as I hoped...

have to think about this s'more.

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

So now it's a question of whom might be the more selfish one...he, for being your best friend and not being excited about something you are (most of the time, anyway) extraordinarily exicted about...or you, for taking up gobs of time (in his mind, anyway) away from him/the kids/the relationship?

When this comes up in my life, I always boil it down to one thing: "this" is part of who I am. No, it's not my complete identity...but it makes up a pretty good-sized portion of what defines me, and of course helps contribute to the stress-reduction factor as well. Makes me a better person for the most part.

So would hubby feel good about having you drop your IM lifestyle in favor of your being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen...and then the corresponding decline in your self-esteem (and maybe self-worth, who knows) and it's deleterious effect on the relationship at that point? "But hey, at least she's home...she's miserable, but she's home!"

Certainly much to ponder. You're not the first and will definitely not be the last. I wish you good luck.

That's it, he is my bestest friend in the world, and he's not excited for me. Or not as excited as I hoped... have to think about this s'more.

AP ... I feel ya, but we've also got to be realistic. The only beneficiary of our endeavor is us. Really, it is. It is a very selfish activity.

Triathletes seem to feel that everyone should be impressed and supportive with our training, and furthermore, when we cross the finish line, the rest of the world should pause and applaud. That's not really how it works.

I'll come home from a long run and say "Hey, I just ran 12 miles in 2 hours (good for me)", and my wife will respond with "It's your turn to give Jacob a bath". That's reality. My wife watches the IM on TV with me. She knows it's a big deal. But, to her, it's not as big of a deal as [1] feeling appreciated (I committed to her a lot longer and more intensely than I did the IM race) and [2] day-to-day operations. Training cannot interfere with either #1 or #2.

As I have said before, I am shocked when someone else shows even a remote interest in my training. Most of the time I get a headshake (sideways) and a "better you than me" comment. Other people just are not as interested in our training as we are ... nor should they be. Triathletes (all of us at one point or another) have a really hard time accepting that.

To try another analogy .... my ironman training is as interesting to her as her accounting is to me. 'Nuff said. Nature of the Beast. As adults, we must compromise ... we cannot have the teenagers' mentality of "it's all about us".

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-- Every morning brings opportunity;
Each evening offers judgement. --

I agree with a lot of what you (and others have said), but this bit gets me. If you are as committed to your wife as you say, then what is interesting to her should be important enough to you to at least learn about it (maybe you have, and still find it uninteresting).

In my case, I took it upon myself to read my wife's equestrian magazines on occasion, and even leaf through her equestrian books. That way, I can somewhat intelligently engage her in conversation about something that is important to her. Nevermind that watching dressage is like watching grass grow. I would expect her to do the same for me (although she really doesn't, but that's okay).

I ended a relationship many years ago because she just would never understand where I was coming from, as far as athletics being an integral part of who I am. It would always be something that I could not share with her.

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"Go yell at an M&M"

I agree with Mike C's post.

You are at the base of the pyramid known as your household. If are not able to take care of your own needs you will eventually be unable to take care of the rest of the pyramid above you. Sublimating too much of your being to your spouse and child won't help anyone in the long term. Keep on with what you are doing. Feel free to tell your hubby you understand his worries and add that I (as someone who does not know you, your partner, or your child) fully support your actions.

"The folks saying "just have 'shut him up' sex" with him" are full of poop, trying to be funny, sex-starved tri-geeks that never get any, or a combination of these."

Although I would agree with the idea that sex is not a fix all, it's a hell of a good start.

If during *that* conversation a compromise of some sort was agreed upon, then sex followed, hell problem solved.

Certainly sex won't mask a real problem but it will go a long way to make two people feel closer, which in my experiance is often the problem, sometimes moreso than the actual claimed problem...particularly for men.

"cdw .. I think you need to agree between the two of you how much time is appropriate and then stick to it."

Certainly reasonable but still a compromise. If Andy Pants wants to come out on the winning end of the compromise...you guessed it, more sex.

Sometimes I wish I was a female, life would be easier, at least where men where concerned.

~Matt

Totally agree. Well said.

You may be drawing the wrong conclusion. I think that he'll be plenty excited when it gets close to race day, and he'll probably brag a fair bit about you and your accomplishments, but the training has got to be really dull for him. You are going out and swimming, biking and/or running better or farther than you have in your life, which is really exciting. All he sees is that you are heading out the door to train, come back a couple hours later and go to bed really early.

So, back to your original question, give your husband the metrosexual quiz and you will find out how you should be putting your dd's afternoon naps to the most productive use.

AP ... I feel ya, but we've also got to be realistic. The only beneficiary of our endeavor is us. Really, it is. It is a very selfish activity.

Just about anything done to excess can be a very selfish activity...if all attempts are made at trying to fit in hobbies with the rest of one's life, well, guess what---we do need to be selfish at times. If we don't feed our own fire, no one else really will, especially as it relates to being athletic or not. But any hobby can have a gigantically positive effect on the person who's hobby it is as well as those around them.

Sleep's a pretty selfish activity, no? Who else benefits? (see where I'm going with this??)

It doesn't sound like Andy is overly excessive with her training, at least not yet. It's all about balance---can't be one way only or the other way only. Something for AP and spouse to work on.

I think you need to sit him down and have the "talk" with him.

IM training is not who you are but it is obviously very imprtant to you. If he loves you he will accept that and compromise(the key word in any relationship) with you about lifestyle choices for the 6-9 months that you are training for IM. It sounds as if you have already made many compromises to make him happy in this situation. Tell him how happy it makes you to have the goal of 13:30 in an IM. Ask him if he wants you to be happy in the relationship. if his answer is yes then he should see that he is being a jerk and allow you the freedom to do what you want. If he says no he is more than a jerk and you have some tough decisions to make. You don't have to share interests. He has hockey, you have triathlon. A good relationship allows for varied interests and time alone.

Good luck. And you are not wrong for posting this on this forum. Most of us go through a very similar situation every year or two when making the decision to do IM.

Heck hubby knows who the big player in tri are (no sorry not you Tom), he knows what I mean when I say long course, short course, T1, T2, low/high GI carbs, he actually knows a lot about triathlon. He even watches it on TV with me (if hockey or golf isn't on ha ha). He's taken enough of an interest to show me that he does care about my interest in it, but that it's not for him (not yet - I personally think he'd be an awesome triathlete, maybe when I slowdown after this year, he can give it a try!). Heck after I did my 1st olympic race, he bought me this really cute card, and wrote about how proud he was, etc. He almost always cheers me on at race time.

It's just the volume is larger than he's ever seen before. And he's heard so many horror stories about tri couples falling apart because of this issue...

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

So how much bootie or blowjobs have you given up between post number 1 and now:)))))))))

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I have horrible back problems but I have zero problems staying in an aero position for 180k. Why? Because I ride steep and because I train regularly in that position. Simple as that.....Gerard

It's in the vault.

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

See, that's the thing, I do the 12mi run and bathe the girl. The operations of my household, for which I am the point person, are not neglected. It's #1 which is the issue.

I agree that it is selfish, but I also believe it's important to have goals and dreams and to challenge oneself, to always strive for more, for better. Even if they are small ones or big ones.

When I started a hi-tech company in 1999, it was a huge challenge. Done. When I completed an ultramarathon, huge challenge, done. When I wanted to continue to breasfeed my daughter while still working, that was a doozy, but I did it for 4 months.

Challenges are everywhere. I seek out extraordinary challenges because I am wired that way. My husband seeks out different challenges, some folks might call them small(er) challenges, but they are still challenges to him. To stack mine against his is apples to oranges - we are such differently wired individuals that we seek such different challenges. But to not challenge ones self... I cannot live like that. Some can, I cannot. He knows that about me. It's just that this challenge is the biggest yet. So it's scary. Will you come back from the precipice this time?

Random thoughts here...

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

It's just the volume is larger than he's ever seen before. And he's heard so many horror stories about tri couples falling apart because of this issue...


Self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps? Horror stories abound regarding almost anything you can think of that we do in our daily lives, from driving our cars, sharing the road with cars whilst riding our bicycles, flying in airplanes, walking down the street, etc. etc. Somehow, some way he needs to look at this a little bit differently, understand that it won't be forever, that you will likely pay back in spades the generosity he has (or will hopefully) shown you in your journey down the IM path.

Hopefully he knows you better than it sounds like he is portraying that knowledge to you lately...

Good point. I think he will. I belive that he will, and that we will find a solution and come out of this stronger than ever.

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

My wife wanted me to post in her behalf:



You may consider me your enemy, the worst kind. I am a stay at home mom with no hobby nor passion other than my family. I dedicate my days to care for my family and home, and my time on the internet is mostly on parenting and nutrition websites, magazines the same, for my selfish self I do very little if not nothing. My beloved husband is a 2x IM finisher, countless of .5IM and sprints, olympics, centuries… He is a wonderful man but when it comes to his “hobby” he is as selfish as can be, and thanks to this thread I really saw HOW selfish he can be; I think he sent me this webpage so I could better understand him ;-). I hope that what I say will help you AndyPants see the other side of the story.



I know you selfish triathletes don’t see it, but the family puts up with a lot because of your passion, time with you, social life, money, spending entire days in the events, worried when you race and go training at weird hours, plus you are ALWAYS hungry and ALWAYS tired (these two alone are enough to curse the moment you ever laid eyes on a bike). In addition to all your bitching and whining because you are never satisfied, if you finish the event with a good time, that means you could have done even better. It truly breaks our hearts when something goes wrong, and you don’t accomplish the race (Utah inaugural IM, I’m still getting over this one). My heart gets in the water with my husband and I don’t see anyone come in until I see him. I know you are thinking “imagine what we are going through, racing for hours!” yes, but we don’t do this because we choose to, or like it, but because WE LOVE YOU. I believe a happy family and marriage should be more fulfilling than your extraordinary goals, but that’s just me.



One thing I don’t think is right, is for you to allow him to rearrange your training, he doesn’t know what he is doing, I can only laugh of thinking what my husband’s training will be if I were to do that. I don’t know if you are using a coach or doing it on your own, but, it is your responsibility to find balance between all your activities. I honestly don’t know what you are thinking training for an IM with a baby a job and a husband, but, then I do know you people don’t always use common sense and sometimes take family for granted as part of your selfishness. The only way to reassure him of his importance in your life is by showing interest in him and his life, a couple of dates, a little family activity, and of course, sex. Share your training and races with him, don’t leave him unaware of how happy doing this makes you, this will get him excited about it and will want to cooperate more, right now he only sees you are not home. If you go for the bjs and sex alone you will make it worse, that is not all that is lacking, and you did admit he was the one getting less of you. I don’t believe your hobby is a right, it is pretty much another job, you should be grateful your family cooperates with you, if not, what’s the point of having a family. You might think of it as what you want to do with your life, but there is no decision about your life you will ever take that won’t have a DIRECT effect on every member of your family. Set your priorities in order and I just think that when you stop having fun, is no longer worth it. Best wishes and keep it real, babies are babies for a little time and it takes a real man to speak and say what he needs from you.

Straight to the bone talk. Good post.

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I'll be what I am
A solitary man