Dude here (sorry) - but I have spent
a lot of time on bike seats.
First, let's just get one thing out of the way - bicycle saddles are uncomfortable. You've likely heard/read about
so many people raving about "how comfortable xyz saddle is"; but it isn't - it's "relatively comfortable" given what it is. It's still a bike seat, and no-one would pick their most favourite bike seat over a sofa. They're just not that comfortable.
Having said that, it shouldn't "hurt" you either. It sounds like you've already spent a pile of time and money trying out lots of different saddles - are you certain that it's the saddle?
The first thing I'd question given how long you've been working on this is your bike position. A bad bike position can make any combination of saddle/shorts hell. Likewise, a great position can make jeans and a plastic bmx saddle tolerable. How's your bike position, and has it changed at all over the years?
What about your shorts? I've spoken with many women who prefer the minimal padding of a pair of tri shorts (just a bit of fleece, really) over the "proper" chamois of standard bicycle shorts. I have no idea why this might be, and can't explain it - but it's something that many women have found, and is worth trying if you haven't. Also, the shorts themselves can be radically different. Now I'm not telling you run out and spend $350 on a pair of Assos, but you should try a few different brands and chamois types. Check the chamois to see if there are any seams - and what kind of seams. Some are completely seamless. Others have a "flat lock" seam that is supposed to be unnoticeable (but you might notice it). Some have "baseball" style stitching and others have weird impression moulded features. You'll probably find that you hate some, and love others. Try to find the similarities between the ones you like, and remember those details. As products "evolve" over the years your "go to" short might change into something you don't like so much (just like running shoes). If you remember that you need a seam-free chamois with no contours and that you prefer just a wee bit of fleece over a lot of padding, you'll be able to find new shorts much easier.
Finally, chamois cream. Get some. I personally love Assos, and find it to be the very best of the best - but some women don't like the tingle from the witchhazel. You'll have to figure that one out for yourself. Regardless of which one you use, remember to apply it twice - first rubbed into the chamois on your shorts, and again on your undercarriage - focusing especially on the areas that get the most chafing.
Hopefully, if you address the issues of fit, shorts and chamois cream, you'll be in a position to re-examine some of the saddles that you've tried in the past. If you have a Specialized store nearby (or a store that carries a lot of their stock) check out their "seat width measuring tool" as well. It's a gel pad that you sit on, and your ischia (sit bones) make an impression in the gel. Based on the spacing between your ischia, there will be a range of saddles designed to fit appropriately. Too narrow or too wide will be less comfortable.
One last thing, just in case - you are wearing the shorts next to skin, right? If you've been wearing underwear under your bike shorts, ditch it.
<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
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