I have been doing really, really well with eating enough and not bingeing, purging, or starving myself [too much] since mid December. I've had a couple days with those 'symptoms' but for the most part my calendar is covered in stickers (sticker = day w/o symptoms). I'm happy about that, BUT...
Over the past couple weeks, my goal was to stop the "mini restricting" and eat enough. One of my friends in group therapy pointed out "the reason I can't follow my whole meal plan is if I do that, it means I am accepting myself as I am." That was a lightning bolt that I feel the same thing - if I consciously eat enough, I am consciously accepting my body as is. In general I like how I look, but there is still a nagging voice that would like to be thinner, leaner, both. So I've been eating enough, and then waking up in the morning feeling sad that I'm not any thinner than I was the day before, and that I made the conscious choice to do that... when I could just as easily restrict.
I've noticed lately that I've been hungry all the time; my dietician said that my metabolism is speeding up and eating more/enough won't make me gain any weight. This is good news, but I'm frightened because when I trusted her last spring and summer - and upped my CHO and protein intake - I gained a whole bunch of leg muscle that I didn't really want. (So I like skinny runner legs, not cycling legs. And thinking about that muscle being good for performance doesn't help me - it's not a strong enough desire - I'd rather have skinny legs). I am scared that I'll gain the leg muscle back, etc. I also feel like I'm not as lean as I was when I started to see her - I used to be able to feel and see my ribs better through my back; I loved it. My favorite pair of pants used to make my hips and legs look like a clothes hanger; I can't stand to have anything - muscle or fat - filling them more.
So I have a choice, which is
1) Keep eating enough like I have been, approach more normal eating habits and embrace the speedy metabolism I have when I am not in the depths of an eating disorder... and in doing so, repeatedly send the message to my brain that my body is FINE and I don't need to lose any weight or body fat
2) Go back to eating like I was before I started working with the dietician and get skinnier and leaner. I was still at a healthy weight then, just a lower healthy weight and a lower healthy body fat.
I am so, so, so leaning toward the second one right now. Any insight, support, tough love, ideas? I did email my dietician with something similar to this yesterday but she didn't write back yet.
maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD
Over the past couple weeks, my goal was to stop the "mini restricting" and eat enough. One of my friends in group therapy pointed out "the reason I can't follow my whole meal plan is if I do that, it means I am accepting myself as I am." That was a lightning bolt that I feel the same thing - if I consciously eat enough, I am consciously accepting my body as is. In general I like how I look, but there is still a nagging voice that would like to be thinner, leaner, both. So I've been eating enough, and then waking up in the morning feeling sad that I'm not any thinner than I was the day before, and that I made the conscious choice to do that... when I could just as easily restrict.
I've noticed lately that I've been hungry all the time; my dietician said that my metabolism is speeding up and eating more/enough won't make me gain any weight. This is good news, but I'm frightened because when I trusted her last spring and summer - and upped my CHO and protein intake - I gained a whole bunch of leg muscle that I didn't really want. (So I like skinny runner legs, not cycling legs. And thinking about that muscle being good for performance doesn't help me - it's not a strong enough desire - I'd rather have skinny legs). I am scared that I'll gain the leg muscle back, etc. I also feel like I'm not as lean as I was when I started to see her - I used to be able to feel and see my ribs better through my back; I loved it. My favorite pair of pants used to make my hips and legs look like a clothes hanger; I can't stand to have anything - muscle or fat - filling them more.
So I have a choice, which is
1) Keep eating enough like I have been, approach more normal eating habits and embrace the speedy metabolism I have when I am not in the depths of an eating disorder... and in doing so, repeatedly send the message to my brain that my body is FINE and I don't need to lose any weight or body fat
2) Go back to eating like I was before I started working with the dietician and get skinnier and leaner. I was still at a healthy weight then, just a lower healthy weight and a lower healthy body fat.
I am so, so, so leaning toward the second one right now. Any insight, support, tough love, ideas? I did email my dietician with something similar to this yesterday but she didn't write back yet.
maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD