I have to bring this post back to the top...because I did something I am not proud of.
Preface: Ok. So lets start this out by saying I do not eat dairy. Haven't for a good long time. I was also getting over a cold. So I was not feeling too well and a lady friend (just a friend) brought me a large chocolate shake from McDonalds. I inhaled it because it was delicious and since I dont eat sweet nor do I eat dairy - this was a really bad idea but it was magic.
So this was Monday early evening. I decided that it would be a splendid idea to get a run in because i was feeling better and my buddy said there was this super attractive girl he was friends with that wanted to meet me and she just moved into town. Naturally I suddenly felt 100% and was ready to go out for a fun evening. Keep in mind I also rarely drink. Basically picture the movie "perfect storm" and my stomach is the little boat feeling awesome with tons of fish in it and then life is the storm and it decides to wreck my world and end the lives of everyone on board.
Well. Here is the play by play. Went for a run around 8 o'clock. Had rested a while so legs felt great. Sugar high was happening. Clipped it way faster than I should have. At the end of the run I got that "Oh no my stomach is twirling around like a drunk ribbon dancer at the 96 Olympics" feeling. finished run. stomach felt slightly better. kept doing off and on gymnastics with itself. Decided to eat a few tums and grab a few bites of a left over chicken salad sandwhich (in hindsight - i made the worst decisions ever regarding my stomach). Ok I am good to go.
I pick my buddy up. Go to her place to grab her. Stomach hurts off and on still. It is a nice expensive place. I notice the bathroom is spotless. Absolutely spotless. We uber to a nice bar/restaurant so I'm wearing dress pants, dress shoes, the whole get up. I am going to fake it until I make it because I am normally a homeless hobo. She doesn't know that. I am smart. Definitely a genius.
I start drinking. A bit too much. mix of everything. wine. whiskey. beer. My inner self is telling me this is awesome. My stomach is telling me otherwise. It starts to feel better somehow though. I think I am in the clear. I keep drinking. Suddenly - I am drunk. What happened? Who cares. Everyone is drunk. Life is a party.
We uber back to her place. My buddy and her are actually definitely not "just friends". I am going to leave. This is lame. She wants me to stay. I am confused and think I am in a swinger movie. I really need to go to home.
Suddenly my stomach starts to REALLY hate life. Think volcano boiling magma pit. I go to use the restroom thinking maybe I am going to take a pee and fart and it is just gas. There is a mirror behind the toilet. I am pretty. look at my jaw line. I start to pee. I am going to let out a little fart. I cant trust them. Test the water. Little one out and I am good to go. So I decide to let it rip. Full monty. No more time to waste. I let it go....
OH NO! In the mirror there is terror in my eyes. I HAVE JUST MADE A HUGE MISTAKE. I feel it on my leg. I immediately drop the pants. sit down. All hell breaks loose. Dear God have mercy on my soul. I am painting the toilet bowl a plethora of colors. The smell. The smell is so bad. I am tearing up. Sweating almost. I cant reach the switch to turn the bathroom fan on. I am dying. basking in my own stench. I start to laugh because this Disney movie has turned into a horror film. It keeps coming. I don't have this much room in my body for what is coming out. minutes seem like hours. I am sweating like a pig surrounded by a pack of lions. wave after wave. until it finally ends. Ok. I need to just jump in the shower. I can't even wipe this shitstorm up. I cant do that. it would be weird and they would know. This is a small apartment so the smell will waft out soon. I need to go home. I look at what I had just done. Splashes all over the toilet seat, back of the toilet got painted, it looks like a f*cked up picasso painting from hell. I try my best to wipe. It is fruitless. I already have shi* in my pants from my fart. i say "f*ck it". I am too far in to care now. I just pull the work pants up. WAIT. They are travel work pants. Stain free and dont absord water. YES. Try my best to tidy up. That smell though. No air freshner. Dear God. I go to flush. It is not one of those airplane toilets with super sucking qualities. It is not even one of those "I am wasting water on every flush" toilets. It isnt even one of those "the water pressure might be low" toilets. it is one of those trickle i can blow water through a straw harder than this toilet flushes and takes forever to fill back up. I have filled this toilet with mud water, soup, unidentifiable chunks of solid particles and the toilet is just twirling it all around and taking out a little at a time. this cannot be happening. I look up into the mirror. My face is one of shame and disbelief. I flush 5 or 6 times with delays in between to try and get this all out. Ok wait - they can hear this. This is now suspicious. They definitely suspect something. Hopefully they are getting it on and I am of no concern. Maybe they forgot about me. yes they probably forgot about me. I want to be forgotten. I want to forget. I will never un-see what has just happened in this white tiled marble counter beautiful sanctuary that once was. I have desecrated a beautiful place of reflection. I hate myself.
I walk out. She is in her room doing something. I look at my buddy. he looks at me. I just walk out the front door. I did not call an uber. No time. I see my truck. it is right out front. i get in. Sit down. I can feel my wet ass in my wet pants and the smell is still in full force. I am sitting in my own shit. Oh know she might find me! I text my buddy. Told him i grabbed an uber home and he needs to find his own ride.
i am now sitting in my truck. In the wee hours of the morning. In shit pants. alone. sweating. I am in a hotbox of my own odor and shame. I destroyed that poor girls bathroom. I hit it and I ran. This is what my life has come to. 29 years and this is where I am at. I suddenly feel super ashamed. I decide to go home. i can't call an uber. I am covered in shit. I decide to walk. It is about 5 miles. I dont care. I will walk my shame ridden shit covered body home and contemplate my existence.
the next day i get a text from my buddy: "Bro - I don't think you are ever allowed over here again. You destroyed her bathroom. She is not happy. I am dying laughing though. That is funny. Well done".
She has not talked to me since and everytime I see her. she just gives me this look. A look that portrays "you are not even a man".
So it was the delayed build up run shits gone horribly wrong. I am not proud of this but deep inside, I do get a good laugh.
Preface: Ok. So lets start this out by saying I do not eat dairy. Haven't for a good long time. I was also getting over a cold. So I was not feeling too well and a lady friend (just a friend) brought me a large chocolate shake from McDonalds. I inhaled it because it was delicious and since I dont eat sweet nor do I eat dairy - this was a really bad idea but it was magic.
So this was Monday early evening. I decided that it would be a splendid idea to get a run in because i was feeling better and my buddy said there was this super attractive girl he was friends with that wanted to meet me and she just moved into town. Naturally I suddenly felt 100% and was ready to go out for a fun evening. Keep in mind I also rarely drink. Basically picture the movie "perfect storm" and my stomach is the little boat feeling awesome with tons of fish in it and then life is the storm and it decides to wreck my world and end the lives of everyone on board.
Well. Here is the play by play. Went for a run around 8 o'clock. Had rested a while so legs felt great. Sugar high was happening. Clipped it way faster than I should have. At the end of the run I got that "Oh no my stomach is twirling around like a drunk ribbon dancer at the 96 Olympics" feeling. finished run. stomach felt slightly better. kept doing off and on gymnastics with itself. Decided to eat a few tums and grab a few bites of a left over chicken salad sandwhich (in hindsight - i made the worst decisions ever regarding my stomach). Ok I am good to go.
I pick my buddy up. Go to her place to grab her. Stomach hurts off and on still. It is a nice expensive place. I notice the bathroom is spotless. Absolutely spotless. We uber to a nice bar/restaurant so I'm wearing dress pants, dress shoes, the whole get up. I am going to fake it until I make it because I am normally a homeless hobo. She doesn't know that. I am smart. Definitely a genius.
I start drinking. A bit too much. mix of everything. wine. whiskey. beer. My inner self is telling me this is awesome. My stomach is telling me otherwise. It starts to feel better somehow though. I think I am in the clear. I keep drinking. Suddenly - I am drunk. What happened? Who cares. Everyone is drunk. Life is a party.
We uber back to her place. My buddy and her are actually definitely not "just friends". I am going to leave. This is lame. She wants me to stay. I am confused and think I am in a swinger movie. I really need to go to home.
Suddenly my stomach starts to REALLY hate life. Think volcano boiling magma pit. I go to use the restroom thinking maybe I am going to take a pee and fart and it is just gas. There is a mirror behind the toilet. I am pretty. look at my jaw line. I start to pee. I am going to let out a little fart. I cant trust them. Test the water. Little one out and I am good to go. So I decide to let it rip. Full monty. No more time to waste. I let it go....
OH NO! In the mirror there is terror in my eyes. I HAVE JUST MADE A HUGE MISTAKE. I feel it on my leg. I immediately drop the pants. sit down. All hell breaks loose. Dear God have mercy on my soul. I am painting the toilet bowl a plethora of colors. The smell. The smell is so bad. I am tearing up. Sweating almost. I cant reach the switch to turn the bathroom fan on. I am dying. basking in my own stench. I start to laugh because this Disney movie has turned into a horror film. It keeps coming. I don't have this much room in my body for what is coming out. minutes seem like hours. I am sweating like a pig surrounded by a pack of lions. wave after wave. until it finally ends. Ok. I need to just jump in the shower. I can't even wipe this shitstorm up. I cant do that. it would be weird and they would know. This is a small apartment so the smell will waft out soon. I need to go home. I look at what I had just done. Splashes all over the toilet seat, back of the toilet got painted, it looks like a f*cked up picasso painting from hell. I try my best to wipe. It is fruitless. I already have shi* in my pants from my fart. i say "f*ck it". I am too far in to care now. I just pull the work pants up. WAIT. They are travel work pants. Stain free and dont absord water. YES. Try my best to tidy up. That smell though. No air freshner. Dear God. I go to flush. It is not one of those airplane toilets with super sucking qualities. It is not even one of those "I am wasting water on every flush" toilets. It isnt even one of those "the water pressure might be low" toilets. it is one of those trickle i can blow water through a straw harder than this toilet flushes and takes forever to fill back up. I have filled this toilet with mud water, soup, unidentifiable chunks of solid particles and the toilet is just twirling it all around and taking out a little at a time. this cannot be happening. I look up into the mirror. My face is one of shame and disbelief. I flush 5 or 6 times with delays in between to try and get this all out. Ok wait - they can hear this. This is now suspicious. They definitely suspect something. Hopefully they are getting it on and I am of no concern. Maybe they forgot about me. yes they probably forgot about me. I want to be forgotten. I want to forget. I will never un-see what has just happened in this white tiled marble counter beautiful sanctuary that once was. I have desecrated a beautiful place of reflection. I hate myself.
I walk out. She is in her room doing something. I look at my buddy. he looks at me. I just walk out the front door. I did not call an uber. No time. I see my truck. it is right out front. i get in. Sit down. I can feel my wet ass in my wet pants and the smell is still in full force. I am sitting in my own shit. Oh know she might find me! I text my buddy. Told him i grabbed an uber home and he needs to find his own ride.
i am now sitting in my truck. In the wee hours of the morning. In shit pants. alone. sweating. I am in a hotbox of my own odor and shame. I destroyed that poor girls bathroom. I hit it and I ran. This is what my life has come to. 29 years and this is where I am at. I suddenly feel super ashamed. I decide to go home. i can't call an uber. I am covered in shit. I decide to walk. It is about 5 miles. I dont care. I will walk my shame ridden shit covered body home and contemplate my existence.
the next day i get a text from my buddy: "Bro - I don't think you are ever allowed over here again. You destroyed her bathroom. She is not happy. I am dying laughing though. That is funny. Well done".
She has not talked to me since and everytime I see her. she just gives me this look. A look that portrays "you are not even a man".
So it was the delayed build up run shits gone horribly wrong. I am not proud of this but deep inside, I do get a good laugh.