In some ways, I've learnt to be more relaxed about food as I got older. I mean, yes, I binge, and apparently still purge on occasion, but when I was a kid and a teenager I had all these things I wouldn't eat - meat (still vegetarian), mushrooms, onions, eggs (still don't really), tomatoes, black pepper, etc etc. I freaked if any food touched other food; I wouldn't eat anything mixed and I can remember not speaking to my mom for a whole dinner when I was around 15 or 16 because a pea touched my rice (!!!!) and I was convinced she did it on purpose. My poor mother. I didn't say anything to her, I just sat there suspiciously, convinced she was out to get me by rolling peas at my rice! i remember her being a bit confused that meal. And I used to gag/bring up food all the time. I had an incredibly sensitive gag reflex. All that stuff is way more normal now, which is good.

I agree with you about the binging and it not hugely being about control. I have control issues, but I sort of think in some ways the binging is what I do b/c I'm angry, at myself, or to sabatoge myself, b/c I don't deserve something. It and the purging are sort of like punishments for me. That's why I was thinking in some ways what cutting was for me food was and is too. Cutting was something I did in secret, I looked forward to, it could be like a treat to calm or soothe myself, but I also only ever did it when I was unhappy (or not entirely rational). Cutting and purging are both ways of getting stuff out of you, literally, but figuratively too. Huh.