Here is the cycling food chain.
Cycling has a social order as highly developed as any caste system on the planet. But it's a secret. Unfortunately, all was revealed on Rec.Sport.Triathlon some time ago, and I'm the only one courageous
enough to make this highly classified information public. In response to occasional requests to repost this information, I'm placing it here. Now, you only need a web browser to know who to snub.
So, here it is, by popular demand, the Modified Cycling Food Chain. The first attempt left out mountain bikers, an unforgiveable sin. The comprehensive list is the response to a popular uprising from single-trackers.
Modified Cycling Food Chain
Yes, I was remiss in leaving mountain bikers off the list. A fatal mistake. But thinking about where they go unleashed a whole tidal wave of obvious flaws. So, after conducting detailed research, I have created the definitive list for all cycling snobs to provide much-need guidance on Who To Snub Without Remorse. I provide this service to all of you free of charge.
By the way, I don't care if mountain bikes are 60% of the market. If your knobbies have never been off the pavement, then you are The Rest of the World.
Here's the Modified Comprehensive Cycling Food Chain:
bullet Roadies--Pros
bullet MTBers--Pros
bullet Roadies--Cat I/II
bullet Trackies--All, but they must own their own track bike
bullet MTBers--Expert
bullet Triathletes--Elites
bullet Roadies--Cat III/IV
bullet MTBers--Sport
bullet Roadies--Cat V
bullet MTBers--Novice
bullet Triathletes--Age Groupers wearing Speedos in a group ride (plus
all of below)
bullet Triathletes--Age Groupers with forward position, 650 wheels,
aerobars and normal cycling clothing
bullet Triathletes--Age Groupers on normal road bikes with aerobars
bullet Tourists--Loaded, cross-country, self-guided tours
bullet Tourists--Loaded, cross-country, guided tours
bullet Tourists--Loaded, organized vacation group
bullet Tourists--Non-loaded, organized vacation group in mountains
(e.g. Pedal the Peaks)
bullet Tourists--Non-loaded, organized vacation group in mere hills
(e.g. Texas Hill Country Tour)
bullet Tourists--Weekend century riders
bullet Club riders with Fancy Road Bikes
bullet Club riders with Normal Road Bikes
bullet Club riders with Aerobars
bullet Recreational MTBers (off-road only)
bullet Commuters with fenders, panniers, and lights
bullet Commuters with panniers and lights
bullet Commuters on racing bikes
bullet The Rest of the World
Messengers are orthogonal to this ranking.
If you are riding in a group, you gain Obnoxiousness Points for acting
as if you are higher on the list, and Humility Points for acting as if
you are lower on the list. Both points are Bonus Points, depending on
who you are trying to impress.
Now, you must adjust your position based on the following Unspoken
Rules (never read these aloud):
If your bike is Italian, you may move up one notch. If your bike is
British, and you are a tourist, you may move up one notch; otherwise,
you must move down two notches.
If your bike is aero, and you are a triathlete, you may move up one notch.
Move up a notch this year only if you have nine-speed. Move down a
notch for each cog short of eight (nine starting next year). [Editor's
note: It's next year, so subtract one point for each cog short of
nine.]
Move down a notch if you have a triple up front, unless your are a
tourist. If you are tourist and have only two chainrings, then move
down to the Tourists--Weekend Century Rider rank even if you have
panniers.
The Uniqueness Limit allows only two bikes of the same make and model
in any one group. If the limit is exceeded, then all riders of the
offending make and model must move down a notch for each excess bike.
If you have visible scars, you may move up two notches, unless you are
a mountain biker. If you are a mountain biker and have no visible
scars, you must move down one notch. If you have scars in an area that
is not displayable in public, and you can persuade a member of the
opposite sex to admire it, then you can move up two notches, but not
in combination with below.
The above is correlated to the Getting Regular Sex factor. If you are
getting any, and you are male, then move up four notches. Add two more
notches if your partner is in the riding group. Add another notch
still if everyone else is flirting with her. This factor does not
apply if you are married, even if you are getting regular sex. (This
section was not added by me)
If you ride a team jersey for any team you have never joined, then you
must move down two notches. If your jerseys are tattered from use,
then you may move up a notch. If you are a roadie, and wear sleeveless
jerseys, then move down a notch. Drop a notch if your jersey
advertises a brand better than the one you own. Drop four notches if
you are wearing a T-shirt. Drop four notches if you are wearing
non-cycling shorts (unless they are speedos).
If you do not shave your legs, move down three notches.
If you ride Campagnolo, move up a notch, unless it's Record, in which
case move up two notches. If you ride Shimano, move down a notch,
unless it's Dura Ace, which is neutral.
If your bike is titanium, move up two notches. If it is high-end
carbon, move up one notch. If it is aluminum, move down a notch,
unless it's a Felt, in which case you can move up a notch until it
breaks. QR's are neutral, but only for triathletes. If you are a
tourist, and your bike is not steel, move down three notches.
If you have aero wheels, move up a notch, unless you are a tourist, in
which case move down a notch. If you ride tubulars, move up a notch.
If you ride with toe clips, then move to the bottom of the list.
Move up a notch if you train on a fixed gear in the early season. Move
up another notch if you train on a real track bike. [Added recently:
Move up four notches if you ride a fixed gear in the Virginia hills.]
Move down a notch for each stupid question.
Move down four notches if you use the phrase "I'm a triathlete" in any
group of Roadies, Trackies, and/or Club Riders.
Move down a notch for each 15 pounds excess weight,unless you are
wearing a Speedo, in which case move down two notches.
Pronounced cycling-short tan lines move you up a notch, but only in
the Summer. In the Winter, such tan lines move you up two notches.
If, during the application of the above Unspoken Rules, you ever dip
into the The Rest of the World Category, then you must stay there.
Subsequent Bonus Points become null and void. Note that non-roadies
may choose not to participate in the above ranking system. Roadie
participation, however, is required. I hope this detailed approach to
this serious problem will assist all of you in determining who to
snub.