If he lost an arm I wouldn't send that particular book.

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Marty Gaal, CSCS
One Step Beyond Coaching
Triangle Open Water Swim Series | Old School Aquathon Series
Powerstroke® Freestyle Technique DVD

He was amputated below the knee, but thanks for the suggestion.

Marty,

Combining your comment with the thread on movie quotes, let me offer a classic from Barton Fink:

"You're a sick fuck, Fink"

But Funny.

I cried, I laughed, great post.

but I still don't know what to say. i will have time to consider it today.

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I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'

yes, i agree...don't send that book. the title alone is disturbing in this context, and way too ironic.

choose another book that is uplifting and a good story in general. make sure it is nothing to do with accidents, limbs, or cycling. just an enjoyable story, that's a good read. maybe a detective story or some kind of mystery that will engage his mind. put in some of the best cookies you can get your hands on, or some other treats, and wish him a speedy recovery and well wishes in rehab. this is appropriate and very nice--keep it simple...he's a guy.

or, call up the person that you do know and ask what he likes. he might be into history, or cars, a sports team, or some other thing. wouldn't be hard to find out.

I am truly an idiot and never even thought about the title. I really just enjoy the book.

i'm sure it's a great book :) it's just a sensitive situation. your idea is generous and nice.

i've known way too many people that got badly injured with motorcycles, even the guys who rode safely. lately i've seen cyclists out alot...younger guys going very fast with no helmets--tragedies waiting to happen.

I have a friend who was a marathon runner and lose his right leg below the knee in a motorbike accident. I would find some info/shots on of the guys and girls who race Kona on the "cheetah" legs or Heather Mills book. There is nothing you can do or say that will be right all the time. Just let him know that he has your support and if you can help in ANY tangible way you will.

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"How bad can it be?" - SimpleS

Let me offer, from my experience, that nothing says you care like a personal visit. You don't really have to rehearse any lines, just come by and say, "How are you doing, I've been thinking about you." Conversation will flow from there.

I thought of a couple of things:

1. You're faced with a new set of challenges now and you will get satisfaction from the victories you achieve as you travel this new road. It's similar to what I say to friends and family members who are, by their own choice, completly sedentary and then they ask me about how to get motivated to excercise. I tell them that getting started is the hardest part but it will be exciting for them to see the results and improvement. For a world class athlete it is difficult to see any improvement because they're already trained and performing at such a high level. But for someone to start from being totally sedentary, they'll see significant improvement if they stick with it for the first month or so and then that will keep them going. So when this guy begins rehab, it's a new world, new challenges to face, new victories to achieve.

2. Even if your life seems totally fucked, you will still have some good days. Hang in there, you'll still enjoy the feeling of sunshine on your face, scratching a dogs' back, a cold beer, the Cubs winning the World Series. There's a lot of enjoyment to get out of life.

I'm sure a personal visit would be appreciated.

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I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'

First off Nice Guy Eddy- you certainly have confirmed your username. You are a nice guy. The ability to experience empathy is regarded as one of the highest stages of emotional development. It takes a smart and compassionate person to feel that and understand. That says a lot good about your character.

What do you say? Well, I though about this for a few minutes and I came up with the idea of trying to imagine what I would want to hear if I were in his position.

I think the message that a person is receptive to will change as they come t grips with their injury/loss. Certainly, at first, they are in a state of "shock" or profound surprise over what has happened to them. This is a lot like those phases of loss that a person experiences- shcok, denial, anger, acceptance I think they go or some such thing. So, if the loss/injury just occured it makes sense to tread lightly. A lot of times it is just enough to sort of be vaguely supportive and affirm that there are concerned and empathetic people- even they aren't close friends.

As time goes by, thinking about this to myself, I think I would want to be reminded of things like this:

• Remind the person that they have faced adversity before in other areas and that they have successfully adapted to it. Remind them that it took strength and determination, and that the person is capable of that. They've done it before. This is a challenge they can rise to.
• I think it pays to remind them of all their previous accomplishments- but in a diplomatic manner- such as to suggest that "If you were able to rise to those challenges, you can rise to anything life throws at you."
• Reinforce that it is appropriate to "rest" or take time to heal. This is an enormous physical and emotional blow. The body, mind and heart are reeling from it. It takes time to adapt to the loss and recover from the trauma. They need to know they have the time. They need to know that is normal and part of the process.
• For an athlete who suddenly experiences a shift or change in physical capability it is critical that they not feel excluded from their athletic group. They remain every bit the athlete, 100%, as the day they had the accident. I worry about characterizations such as "special" and "challenged" because they may infer that the athlete is someone diminshed from their previous level of athleticism. Ahtletes with amputations may be alienated or feel excluded by being characterized as "special", i.e.- members of some condescending group that they perceive we politely acknowledge for their sub-par athletic mimickry. They are real athletes in every sense of the word, without exception. The mechnics of how they perfrom are different in exactly the same way mine would be trying to play basketball. As a result, they are athletes exactly in the same vein as they were prior to their accident. It is so important they are regarded as athletes, plain and simple- with no condescending stigma. If you don't buy into this try to do a marathon in a wheelchair. The experieinced wheelers will kick your ass.
• And of course, it is so valuable to remind them that you are concerned and care.

I gotta run, but it is so good of you to be conerned. If you can summarize the above thoughts and sentiments into a couple lines (good luck there...) then I think you have really said something meaningful.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

A big part of this may be your personal fears about something similar happening to you, right? Tom D's post is great, lots of good points, but give yourself sometime to reflect on this situation - how do you feel about it? what if this happened to you? are you happy with what you've accomplished in your life so far? If you could change anything now, after learning about this person's accident, what would you change?

A friend of mine's best bud was jumped by some idiot outside a club, sustained major head injury, was in a coma for 2 weeks. Woke up paralyzed on the left side. He's out of the hospital now and doing his PT, and improving daily. But my friend has definitely changed his perspective on his life - he focuses far more on what's important to him and his loved ones than on (what now seem to be) trivial things.

Time for some soul searching...

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

"Let me offer, from my experience, that nothing says you care like a personal visit. You don't really have to rehearse any lines, just come by and say, "How are you doing, I've been thinking about you." Conversation will flow from there."


Yep, this says it well. It's unfortunate, but people might avoid visiting him because of the perceived awkwardness factor. If, at a minimum, you just show up then you will be doing good. Just show him a glimpse of "normalcy," and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

About 20 years ago, I was blinded in one eye. I just appreciated when people just treated me the same. After all, I really was the same.

A note saying what you said in your first post is good. You feel bad about what happened and wish him a swift recovery, maybe one line about new challaneges and opportunities that will be there for him to take on when he's recovered his strength. Try not to dwell on the loss of his limb, he certainly in aware of it and doesn't need to be reminded. A book would be a very nice gesture as it is something that you personally find comforting and entertaining. Get him something you have read and enjoyed, nothing about challanged athletes or motorcycles. By just taking the time to send him a note is the best way to show that you really care. If you are comfortable with it, include your phone number.

I've always had a difficult time with other's losses and personal challenges, never knowing what is the right thing to say so I tend to avoid uncomfortable situations which is not the best thing to do. With my husband's poor health what I have found is that he likes it when people treat him 'normal' and not talk to him about health all the time. He has to deal with his health issue 24/7 and likes to talk with other people about other things to take his mind off of his limitations.

You're a good person for wanting to show you care.

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Have you hugged Your Mom today?