Seems like there could be a thousand answers for a thousand variations on the theme.

If the insult which led you to "give up" was not horrendous, polite (if not warm) civility usually works well.

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It's hard to respond without knowing specifics of your situation. I find that professionally I am unable to deal with people who have backstabbed me or are just completely useless. I try to avoid them, not talk to them, or be civil if there is no other choice. Keep in mind, I work in a large company, so the society is very much like junior high school.

My biggest problem is that I wear my disgust on my sleeve, so if I find you repulsive, it comes across pretty clear. On the other hand, there are times I think I'm being a dick and my wife tells me I am not.

In the case of family, I try to get along with people, but I don't put up with their crap. We're all human, but that doesn't excuse all behavior.

If you are talking about a professional situation in which someone has slandered you, and it is costing you business, I would, at least, consult an attorney. You are a coach, right? So your reputation is your key to success. If someone is f-ing with that, you should stomp them.

I hope this helps a little.

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funny, I've sort of dealing with that issue right now. I lost my job 6 weeks ago, a friend offerred me work until I find a new job. she kept putting me off, then finally told me her business wasn't doing as well as she thought. I've calling and emailing for about three weeks without response. My message was basically, that's ok, but's let's talk about it. Nothing. I'm kind of pissed because that's what I was afraid of, but I've siad I just want to talk and still be friends. Nothing. I'm not sure what I would say if she did call right now. It's tough.

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Take a minute and ask yourself, What do I really want? You'll be surprised that your answers are often quite different from the way you're acting (at least that's been my experience - but maybe I'm just naturally a dick). Do you *really* want to teach someone a lesson, or do you just not want to be treated poorly? If it's the latter rather than the former (and I'll bet it is), then accept that sometimes we get screwed an move on. If someone screws me, I simply treat them like a stranger (not bad at all, but they don't get access to *me* anymore). However, if that person makes an effort to reconcile I never hold a grudge. I belive in second (and third) chances. That is, unless you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...(a little Old School quote for fun).

Nothing specific here (cause if I did we would run out of web space!) - I was just wondering how others handle delicate situations. Funny how you mentioned slander from that though.

I have had to deal with quite a few of these "situations". I have an incredible network of friends and peers that I bounce these situations off of and find that there is usually a split between the sexes on advice.

The men usually say, screw em. Cut and dry. Forget about it or hand it to your attorney.

The women, of course, are much more emotional. We ask questions and we want to know why it happened. What can we do to fix it. What do others think about me?

The more of these situations I deal with, the more "masculine" I become in my thinking process. Where I used to deal with things in anger and being hurt I now tend to ask "what's up with him (or her)" and move on in hours rather than what took me days to handle before! (remember, I'm just a girl). Of course these are with situations where I know it is not me that's the problem - after all, it never is ;) But if it was, I am the one who tends to rectify things quickly. I wonder of that comes from hardening or maturity. Both? Regardless, I feel it's a more healthy aspect.

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maylene jackson, cscs
http://www.kidsintraining.org

It depends on who it is. For my immediate family (husband and kids), I would never give up. I refuse to live with stress in the household. If someone's not happy, then we're all not happy, so we've got to fix whatever's wrong.

For extended family and friends, I give up when I realize that I'm putting more effort into solving things than they are. I've come to realize that I can't control anyone else, so once I try to resolve things a few times, I give up. At that point, I remain civil and move on. It sounds kind of mean, but it has saved my sanity many times!

D.

OLD SCHOOL !!!!! I AM SO WATCHING OLD SCHOOL TONIGHT! THANKS!

Seriously, my friend just called, she has been on bed rest for the last 2 weeks and we were trying to think of what to watch tonight. Thanks for the idea!

There have been so many situations lately that I can apply all these rules to. I tend to give many chances as well. I remember on one date this guy asked how many chances I give a guy (to screw up). I said 3. 3 strikes and you are out. He thought that was pretty brutal. Then he asked what a strike was. I gave him the example of finding out that the guy you are going out with has just gotten engaged to someone else and has no intention of telling you because he knows, since you are monogamous, you won't see him again.

He thought I was quite charitable. Of course that was just a generalized example :)

I am not as charitable anymore. I find that the people who need a second chance usually need seven chances. As someone else posted on another thread, I just don't have the time or energy to deal with that unless I know it was just a mistake instead of a lack of total character.

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maylene jackson, cscs
http://www.kidsintraining.org

I'm not sure what I would say if she did call right now. It's tough.

Call her when you get a job and resume your friendship. She probably feels embarrassed that she offered you something she could not give.

Good luck on finding a job!

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maylene jackson, cscs
http://www.kidsintraining.org

Maylene, I'll share a situation that has come upon quite frequently in my life. It is with "friends" who are unwilling to work to make a friendship work/survive.

I'll give you an example. You train with a group of people and become friends with some. Or you work in the same company and become friends. A few years later, you are not training for the same events, so you don't see each other as often. Or now you work in different companies and don't see each other daily. Now all of a sudden, you ACTUALLY have to work to make these friendships survive. You have to pick up the phone, send an email, actually go visit the person. Most people are too lazy to work to make friendships survive. After a year "apart", you rarely see the person who you thought was a good friend. What I am saying is that these 'revolving door friendships" come and go in life. I give them a year after we are "apart". I keep making an effort, but if there is no reciprocation, then after a year, I let it die a natural death.

I have found over the course of my life, I can count my real friends on one hand. These are guys who I went to college with and who I went through military recruit camp with together. Guys who would jump in front of bullet to save my life. These friendships are priceless. They are not friendships of convenience. They last a lifetime. The rest are really acquantances and most of these people are opportunists.

Family and relatives you are born with (just like genetics). You can't just lose them. You have them for life for better or worse. May as well see the good in them all (ie Kittycat post about mother driving her nuts) :-)

Maylene,

To me, it is a question of potential threat. If the person in question represents a clear, present and ongoing danger to your happiness and has consistently and repeatedly undermined your personal activites willfully- with the intent of inflicting emotional distress- then it is time to remove yourself from the situation.

If they persist, the situation must be escalated to a higher degree of insulation from their influence. This includes removing yourself from their geographical sphere of influence.

I have an ex girlfriend here in town whom I absolutely despise. I regret, nearly every day, the energy I invest in hating her so much. But I do utterly despise her and everything she stands for. I wager her feelings for me are reciprocal. Our break-up(s) were usually ugly. The last one included her invading my house without permission and threatening my then girlfriend.

I called the police and got the forms for a personal protection order. I filled them out on the recommendation of a local detective and they are sitting here on my desk- completed, ready to be filed at a moment's notice should she attempt to re-enter my life at any time for any reason. There was a stipulation that you had to include letters from three friends or relatives substantiating the incidents that precipitated filing for the order. I have five letters from friends regarding her behavior and two from therapists characterizing her behavior and corroborating these incidents.

If a person is mean to you and intends to hurt you, it is wise to give them a wide berth. If they persist, they need to understand that is not acceptable conduct. Some people take a little more convincing than others. Some just never get it. Some don't understand the damage they have inflicted. and others are just downright mean.

Thankfully, my experience is this is the exception rather than the rule. Good luck my friend. I hope things work out. If it is any consolation the holidays are often a time of healing for relationships and people. I hope the spirit of the holidays has a positive effect on things for you.

tom.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

You missed the third option. Ask them why they have a bug up their ass. Seriously, people who wrong you are doing because they're clueless that they have done anything wrong or they really don't care about you. If they're cluesless, clue them in. If they really don't care about you, why do you care about them? Cross their name off the list of people you associate with and move on. Life's too short to go around worrying about what other people think of you.

They are not friendships of convenience. They last a lifetime. The rest are really acquantances and most of these people are opportunists.

Ouch, but so true.

So here's a question for you - would you consider Gary that guy to take the bullet for you even after he talked u into that elite wave??? :)

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maylene jackson, cscs
http://www.kidsintraining.org

Maylene, it saves your sanity when you realize that most people are opportunists. Enjoy them in the good times, but don't expect them to be around 3, 10 or 30 years from now, and certainly don't expect them to take a bullet to save your ass :-)

Tom - you never cease to amaze me on your stories!!!

That stalking thing actually happened recently to a friend of mine - she was at her new boyfriend's house when his old girlfriend came over and almost trashed her car (which, along with her puppy, is her baby). At first she ws thinking, what a psycho. Then she found out that it wasn't his OLD girlfriend. It was his GIRLFRIEND.

Strike one thru three - you are out.

Good luck on your sitch. Sucks that you have to take it so far. File the papers then move on. Put all that energy into your new girlfriend.

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maylene jackson, cscs
http://www.kidsintraining.org

I'm a recovering angry, annoyed person. I realized that I'd rather be happy than upset, and, in the larger scheme of things, being mad at other people isn't going to change them nor is it going to give me what I want (to be treated nicely and to be happy). So I try to not get mad anymore, I just move on without any hard feelings. Getting screwed from time-to-time is the cost of doing business where the business is being alive, I suppose.

I think I feel this way because I'm very happy in my relationship with my wife and I don't feel a great sense of loss if a good friend wrongs me. I think I'd be much less Polyannish were I single.

Another movie I've been itching to watch lately: Fear and Loathing in LV.

When I question the actions of someone I usually take this route. Just to make sure there have been no misunderstandings, etc. What really tcks me off is when you have this conversation with someone and they say sorry, whatever, then do it all over again on purpose. I love the guy who thinks he is my friend, pisses me off, then asks for forgiveness then continues to do the same crap. It amazes me that people think what they do/say stays in confidence. It almost always gets back to that person.

Yes, life is too short.

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maylene jackson, cscs
http://www.kidsintraining.org

"I called the police and got the forms for a personal protection order."

Don't you own a gun?

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**All of these words finding themselves together were greatly astonished and delighted for assuredly, they had never met before**

>If the person in question represents a clear, present and ongoing danger to your happiness

Tom, seriously dude, that's priceless! I've never heard anyone use the phrase "clear and present danger" when talking about relationships.

Maylene, move to Defcon 3!

(sorry Tom, just having a little fun ;-)

I have encountered exactly the situation that you describe, in both the work buddy and training buddy areas. Sadly, this is very typical. Once the thing that binds people together is gone, so is the relationship. Women are much more likely to stay in touch than guys are, though.

I was reading a study that showed that the average guy has no more than one 'very close' friend by age 40, and most guys have no close friends by age 50. Women, on the other hand, typically have numerous social circles. This may be one reason why women live longer.

I work hard to meet new people and get myself into social situations exactly because of the fact that I have few friends, but I would still say that I have many acquaintances up to outer circle of friends. I would say at this point that I don't have any very close friends/confidants. My best friend for my whole life is now my boss and has three kids, so he is not free to hang out with me and keep in touch anymore. Even though we see each other often, we hardly ever see each other or do anything together.

The closest thing to a best friend I have had recently was someone I met through work and mountain biked with before I got into tri's. We became good friends, and every Saturday for 2+ years we would get together, ride, then go eat as much food as possible at a nearby Uno's. Anyone else who dared was welcome to join us, and occasionally we'd get fresh meat to come along(One day, a guy shows up on his $4,000 DH bike to ride cross-country with us.) That was the closest thing to the buddy experience that I have had since high school.

Sadly, he is more maniacal than I am regarding his training(just fitness, no racing) so he won't do anything other than his planned workouts, which means that if I have to ride 3 hours on the road one Saturday, he won't come along, even though he might do 2+ hours on his trainer. He also no longer works with me. I might hear from him via email once in a while, but he is more or less a hermit.

One good thing: My relationship with my brother has gotten to the point where we have become veery good friends in the past few years. That's something that means a lot.

As far as kittycat is concerned, friends and lovers may come and go, but mommy issues last a lifetime.

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Easy -

Give up when it costs much more time/energy than what you're getting out of a situation.

Quality over quantity also applies to friendships/relationships.

Too many people hold on to relationships that are a minus in their life mainly out of fear - fear of what life will be life without them. Take a chance, distance yourself. They will always be there to come back to if you figure out you really want them (not need them) in your life.

now you guys are dredging up old memories. Soon after I broke up with an old GF, she called the state family services office and told them I had molested my son. Both of us (my son) had to go through mandated counseling before they concluded she had made it up to get me in trouble.

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You give up when you have to "try" to have a relationship. The "guy" method is just drift and whatever happens, happens.

How much effort and/or energy are you expending being upset with this guy? If you allow the situation to drain you either emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. it ends up being more harmful to you than to him. Know thyself and do what is necessary to preserve your mental and/or emotional health.

Miguel in the 'No...El Tribato

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Michael in Fresno
"Do you spend time with your family? Good. Because a man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man" V. Corleone

Ohh! Everybody seems just so angry. When you are angry at someone the only person really hurting is yourself. Or when you have expectations of someone, that they should do something that they haven't done: you may be able to pass on a bit of your pain or disappointment to them, but the person who is really hurting all the time is yourself, for as long as you have those feelings. Everybody is trying to do the best they can with what they know at the time. Lets try a bit more love and a bit less condemnation. But in the end, if it isn't happening, it isn't happening. Time to let go and move on. That point is usually when more harm is coming from the relationship than good, either to you or the other person. I choose to spend my time with people who I can help or who can help me.

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Those who know do not speak, those who speak, do not know.