Tibbs,

Your subject line says it all... "it hurts to heal." I've never met you, but I feel like I know you from your posts and your brother's post a few weeks ago. The struggle is worth it! You are the man your kids think you are, you just don't know it.

Your children believe you're worth it. Now go to bed.

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Jim Manton / ERO Sports

"Am I worth all this effort."

Maybe it helps to hear that you are not the only one who has thoughts like this. Cuz you're not.

"I feel like an emotional vacuum. I suck up everyonse love and I never give anything back"

The funny thing is that if you heard the people you love talking about you, you might hear that you are giving back. Tough to realize it in the middle of the dark night of your problem. Go watch It's a Wonderful Life. Senor Baily had similar thoughts.

Besides, love is a renewable resource.

Keep fighting.

(jeezz, I am out of platitudes for the moment, but you get the drift. Good luck)

[Besides, love is a renewable resource.]

Excellent quote!

Jon--I doubt most of us see ourselves as others see us. Your kids love ~you~, the you here, right now, not the you that you see. Remember that.

clm

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

You have a responsibility to your children and wife to be there for them regardless of how much it hurts. Perhaps one of the hardest things to do is to accept someone's love when you don't feel you deserve it, but you've got to. It doesn't matter if you feel you deserve it or not. Your kids want you and need you, even if you don't think they should. Allow them the privilege of loving you.

Dawn

THough Dawn has a nice post, I have to disagree with most of it buddy. Your wife and kids can love you, but they dont need you to love you. You dont have to be there for them to love you - they just will. Your number one responsibility is not them, it is you. You need to love yourself before others can love you...but these people I am sure already love you with out condition. You need to take care of yourself, be selfish for a while...and then, you can all with luck love eachother more and have a success to look back on in the end.

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What if the Hokey Pokey is what it is all about?

"All I can see is my failures and all those I hurt."

The hardest thing I ever did, Jon, was confront my catastrophic thinking...I wish I could give you the "answer" to getting past this...the only thing I know to do is to wade right in...with the help of some talented professional help, for sure...but wade right in. Its not nearly as bad as it seems from where you are...

"I want to not hate the man in the mirror."

I've been there Jon. There is hope. I like the guy in the mirror today. Not because he's special, or because anyone else thinks so...I like him just because he's real.

Life is short, but it's wide.

Ebbs and flows....if it hurts right now, sometime soon you will feel great...just like with long workouts and races - there are moments where you don't think the pain will stop, but it always does eventually...of course it comes back again, too....ups and downs. I think being cognizant of the feelings you are having and your family's ability to deal with them is great.

Snuggle the dog, the kids and the wife and try not to focus on the negatives...there is so much more to see than failures. You give so much laughter and energy on this board and from reading your brother's posts I have to think you give in many other areas of your life....your perception of yourself is just skewed right now. From what I know of you, I think you are an intelligent, witty, loving man....who could hate that?

~geek

When I feel this way (and I do often) it helps me to plan one purely unselfish thing that will help someone I love. It can be as simple as going to my inlaws with my husband (which I would never do but for him), baking cookies for my son when I am exhausted and afraid I'll eat the whole batch myself, or skipping a workout to take the family somewhere instead.

It is the little things that count. I sometimes feel I have to prove to myself that I am worthy of others' love. Doing concrete things for them can help in these times of self-doubt. The added bonus in doing for others is that I actually feel better myself when I see how happy it makes them.

All you have to do is make it through today. Looking too far into the future can be overwhelming. A coach I had once told me "Just keep working hard and something good will happen." It was usually when I least expected that something good did, in fact, happen.

Life is a series of ups and downs. Those of us who are more sensitive to life and seem to be down a lot can appreciate the simplicity of just "being happy" when we find the fleeting moments of happiness in our lives. I look at life as waves on an ocean. Both the happiness and sadness come in waves, so the best strategy is to ride the waves of sadness until the waves of happiness hit, and then have fun and enjoy them while you can. There will always be more of both. And you can always start over tomorrow. The only failure in getting knocked down is if you don't get up and try again.

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"If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms." -- Mike Ditka

Tri-N-Oc said it best. Love is the only resource that we will never run out of. You are loved and respected.

Keep passing the open windows.

Jon, remember when you receive love it is given without condition, there's no "what do I get in return" with honest love. So, when you say "I suck up everyonse love and I never give anything back" remember that it is not given because of what will be returned. When you are in a position to, you will.

Just look at your dog, she ever with hold it, nah. Nor to we, buddy.

Love ya,

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"How bad can it be?" - SimpleS

Brother T, it is so great that you're back.

Yes you're worth it; we all are. Within each of us is a flaming ass-hole who needs to be beaten severely. You're no better nor any worse than all the rest of us. You just have more knowledge about the twisted things that go on inside your head. We all have those thoughts and emotions that we're ashamed of.

We all screw up, we all forget important stuff. What's important is to love the world, realize that everyone else is just as f-ed up as you are, and try to see their pain and make it better.

Start by promising to be the best you can. Don't try to compete with anyone else, just be the best you can be.

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Cousin Elwood - Team Over-the-hill Racing
Brought to you by the good folks at Metamucil and Geritol...

"I look at my life and how I have gotten to the point where I am and I have to ask "Am I worth all this effort.""

I'll tell you what it's all about -- at least, to me. And that is, your children. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, the thing that is most important is: Were you a good father to your children.

By so saying, I do not want to minimize other important things, such as being a good husband.

But, again, to me it is are you a good father. I can't answer that, but I suspect from your posts that you are.

I believe you should draw strength from that. This is not about me here, but I do that. If I get down about something, it helps me immensely to think of my daughter, and I draw great strength and pride from the fact that I believe I am a good -- actually, great -- father. And she would echo that.

I sometimes get teary-eyed (as I am right now) thinking of her, and how much I love her. My guess is you do the same thing with your kids.

It is great that they are your cheerleaders. But, it is better that you are there for them, in good times and bad. If you let them know that you love them, like them, and respect them, then I think you are WAY ahead of the game.

If you do those things, then I hope you can draw strength and pride from that. Think about how important they are to you, and that you are a god in their eyes. And, if you are a good father, then you are doing God's work (yes, capitalized).

Jon, draw strength not only from them, but also from yourself -- i.e., strength from the fact that you are doing the most important job in the world, and, as I said, I'd bet that you are doing it quite well. What is more important than that?

Hey Tibbs,

As long as there is love to suck up, yes, it is worth the effort. To be loved is substantial - worth living for. While it's good to see you posting again and all your ST brothers and sister certainly love you, this is all e-love (or the soon to be patented iLove). This kind of love, while nice, isn't the same as the eye-to-eye, face-to-face, hand-holding, dog-lick love you get from home. Be sure you get all that first.

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Proud member of FISHTWITCH: doing a bit more than fish exercise now.

Cindy

That post was so excellent that I'm going to save it and keep re-reading it.

Thanks

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I'll be what I am
A solitary man

Mr. Tibbs...you're not allowed to answer that question right now. Turn it over, man. Trust your family, counselors, tribe, to answer for you...you are soooo worth it. You were put on the planet for a reason. If you can't see the reason now, stay for the adventure of finding out. you're not a love sucker...everytime someone tries to help you, the love they send is returning to them. Patience, my dear. You're allowed to go slow in this race.

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"If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you might find you're missing all the rest"

Dave Matthews