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Help me Edumicate the masses
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My company is participating in the corporate challenge again this year. One of the people who has been organizing it, asked me (the only person she knows who runs regularly) to answer some general questions on how to prepare for a 3.5 mile run in the days leading up to the race ( I use the word "race" liberally in this case )

So I wanted to put together a kind of sarcastic, tongue in cheek, kind of response to these folks who have asked questions like what do I eat to keep from puking. I thought some of the wise insightful people here at the peaceful tribe could offer up their bits of wisdom and wit for me to pass along to in order to educate the masses.

Only completely smart ass remarks will actually be used. I'll edit out any non-office friendly language.
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Make sure they bring the latest ipod, to stave off the mind numbing boredom that sets in on a run that long.








"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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--If you get brand spankin' new flashy shoes, preferably by Nike, you will be much faster.

--Don't forget to carbo load. Beer has a lot of carbs.
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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i would wait mile .5 before started drinking beer. Then every half mile, go for a pint and say 'woa, zwoa, gsuffa!!!'
if you puke, you have to move back half a mile. if you drink an extra beer at half mile, you can skip a half mile.

you should arrange for transportation after the race.
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [vitus979] [ In reply to ]
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Make sure they don't wear sunglasses (could reduce visual acuity), carry on conversations (could reduce concentration), or sneeze (temporarily impairs all defensive senses, opening them up for a collision of major proportions).
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [tripat] [ In reply to ]
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Yeah, that reminds me- make sure to tell the women to bring a tube of lipstick, so they can freshen up and look good for the finish line photo. ;)








"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Tell them to "Run straight. If something gets in their way, TURN!"
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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"Be sure to eat a bannana about 30 minutes before the race. It's not for the potassium, but rather they taste the same coming back up as they did going down."
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Make sure they buy the coolest, flashiest running shoes they can find, and don't even think of wearing them till race day. Break them in? Nah, they might get dirty and lose some of there flash!

They will also need at least 5 GU's or similar item. Two 15min prior to race start, and then one every 20min, oh wait, they might need 12 then!

Go as hard as you can, as soon as the gun goes. You might fade towards the end, but you'll look like a hero out front for about 10 seconds.

Ladies, lots of hairspray, keeps you looking fresh as a daisy for the finish line, and a nice hair helmet cuts down on drag too!

Ian MacLean
http://www.imfit.ca
Success comes when fear of failure goes
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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I recommend the Denny's Grand Slam - choke down one of those about 30 min. before the start and chase it with a big ol' chocolate milkshake. If they're really serious runners, they'll get an extra side of Hollandaise. I hear it's what all the Kenyan studs do, and it'll look great on Michigan Ave. I'll be down there as well...mostly for the beer and food after the run. You're in Chicago, right? I should be in about 20:50...maybe I'll see ya' at the finish.

_________________________________________________
"The will to win means nothing without the will to prepare" - Juma Ikangaa

http://www.litespeed.com
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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If the event has a t-shirt it absolutely must be worn during the race.

Be sure to carry plenty of fluids along on race day since you will get dehydrated.

For a race of that length you will need to consume at least 3 gels, one at each mile marker.

I'm beginning to think that we are much more fucked than I thought.
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [mthammer] [ In reply to ]
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Yeah I'm in Chicago, and I'll be down there but not running because of an ankle injury that is like a bad rash and won't go away.

I was thinking of sending a few over to Perry's Deli on Franklin for the ruben sandwich that has to weigh in at about 4 lbs. I think that guy put the entire briskuit on two peices of bread.
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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A one week taper with no exercise is optimal to have a PR.

Carb loading for three days prior preferably 6 Krispy Kremes per day

The Cuban Comet
(Comets are unbelievably slow over Cuba)
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Layers lots of layers of really tight clothes and no underware the (lines might show in the photos)., It might warm up and you want to be aerodynamic, spandex bella clava (sp) keep your hair in place (for the non hair spray crowd)
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry to hear you've got a bad wheel. If I see someone hobbling around down there that might be you, I'll come say howdy and buy you a beer. We usually camp out just SW of the fountain, right near Columbus Dr.

_________________________________________________
"The will to win means nothing without the will to prepare" - Juma Ikangaa

http://www.litespeed.com
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Don't forget to shave down for aerodynamics, especially eyebrows, pits and crotch...

Greasing the body with Crisco helps too; better yet, lard!


Cousin Elwood - Team Over-the-hill Racing
Brought to you by the good folks at Metamucil and Geritol...
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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You should host lunch hour training sessions in how to use starting blocks
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Encourage training and racing in spikes.

"Non est ad astra mollis e terris via." - Seneca | rappstar.com | FB - Rappstar Racing | IG - @jordanrapp
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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When passing, always pass on the left and yell out, "on your left".

Don't wear socks, if you must, 100% cotton is your best choice.

Wear a fuel belt to ensure proper nutrition for the duration of the race.

Line up on the front line to start the race.
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [ECE] [ In reply to ]
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Runner don't wear baggy shorts. The shorter the better for aero purposes. You need either 4" tri short or Dolphin shorts with slit up the sides. A skin tight lycra singlet. Large Oakley sunglasses also reduce the drag created by your eye sockets. Think Steve Scott.

_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [Kestrelkerri] [ In reply to ]
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fuel belt LOL preferable one with at least 12 flasks.

damn this is funny thread.

_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [last tri in 83] [ In reply to ]
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It is preferable to grease your thighs to prevent chafing. Since you should have some protein for breakfast, I reccommned having bacon and using the grease on your inner thighs. BTW stop by and pet my german shepherd, hes real friendly.


Jim

**Note above poster works for a retailer selling bikes and related gear*
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [last tri in 83] [ In reply to ]
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I would think using a camelback would be almost a prerequisite on a run like this. Best to freeze the full water bladder the day before to obtain optimal cooling effects.

I would also encourage the use of a mild laxative 3 days leading up to the race, with and a home enema teatment the moring of the race. The competitors will be out there a long time, having to stop at one of the multitudes of porta pottys along the race course will seriously cripple your team's time.
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Re: Help me Edumicate the masses [friluftsliv] [ In reply to ]
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An aid station every half mile is mandatory. One glass of regular gatorade and a gel in the mouth, and a cup of water on the head for maximum cooling.

_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
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