dude, quit being a f'up. i think you need to work on yourself so you're not abusive to someone who is going to such ends to care for you and be supportive.

my opinion is that possibly you don't deserve another chance. she put up with IM and even swam with you and you acted like a dick? and now that she is on the verge of leaving you're scrambling. sorry, that is not good enough. do you know how many men would fall over themselves to have a companion be able to swim with them, and be totally supportive?

wow. i think you need to think about why you deserve someone who is so loving. what are you going to give back, rather than continue to take? what do you bring to the table outside of acting like a dick?

this really concerns me that now you don't even know if you're up for "chasing" after her. come on, that is absurd.

if you have doubts now and don't know if you can put out the effort, then let it go. i'd wager to say that you'd only want her back so she can continue to focus on you, to give you what you need, not vice versa.

if it troubles you, or if you feel tired, before even trying...then i have 2 things to say.
1) grow up
2) stop. just stop TAKING and learn to get over yourself so one day you might actually be a companion that is worth something.

focus on fixing yourself, then you might get somewhere.

hate to be so hard on you, but women are not toilets.

First...one HELL of a ROAST!! lol thanx i deserved that...

1. I have been working on myself for the last month trying to figure out why I was so angry with myself, yes i figured it out and corrected it but after the damage was done. The issue went a lot deeper than I expected and even affected my training over that period...

2. your right I probably dont deserve another chance and she says I have to earn her heart back which i am willing to do. There are a few catches here, I may be moving in Jan to cali to work and get ready for grad school and shes turning 20 and im not sure shes ready to drop everything and leave her family behind(live in FL) but i dont care im willing to take the chance to earn her heart back.

3. I want her to move with me, i have told her this and she has said she would do it. I can put the effort into it I want to be with her its just hard knowing shes not sure I can do it but its ok cuz i will.

No women are not toilets, and im not a taker im a giver i just got too caught up tryin to fix my own problems instead of paying more attention to her. Women should be treated like Royalty and I failed to do that when I encountered inner problems.

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"Fear is what drives you in the last part of a marathon in an Ironman. The body is depleted and the mind is fuzzy. Short course racing is driven by power and finese at the end of a race, Ironman demands so much more and is driven by will and mental strength." Chris McCormack

10/28/08 Dev Paul had 400w FTP!!!

alright, well you took what i said in stride and that is a good start. you seem to "own" your mistakes, which is what i was driving at with my post.

the bottom line is this: she wouldn't have done all that for you if she didn't care or love you. so, work your butt off to make things right. EARN IT and see where it gets you.

oh yeah, and, don't act like a dick anymore! :)

it takes time to heal hurts, but people grow and forgive, that's what love is about. the best thing you can do for your companion is work on yourself. so keep doing that, keep working hard, and it will go well. if not, then you know you gave it your all and you'll come out as a better person for having gone through all of this. but, it sounds like it can work out, you just have to do the right things. so...do the right things!

good luck!
kitty

Right on, KC!! Good job cracking that whip!! I agree 100% with everything you said.

I would just like to add, Flaco, that if she does move to Cali with you then realize it's going to be very, very tough for her. You are moving for work and school. She is only moving for you. She's leaving behind friends and family and everything she knows to be with you. In the words of Tom Demerley, that's HUGE! She's going to miss her old life. You need to help her find a new one. Do what you can to help her find new friends, new activities, new groups, new work, etc. The two of you should plan to be very social so you can get out and find new people to connect with. There's nothing worse than being in a new town and not knowing a soul. There's going to be times when you're busy with work or school and she needs to know other people she can hang out with.

Good luck. It sounds like you figured things out before it was too late. Hang onto her!

"Good luck. It sounds like you figured things out before it was too late. Hang onto her!"

I have a slightly different perspective. While going through your internal debates you should consider what your outcome will be (with yourself) and whether that outcome is appropriate or good for her. Then make the decission whether you should "hang onto her." If you truly love her, and your internal debates tell you that you are not good for her or correct for her, you should let her go so that she can move on to have a life and love that she deserves.

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"your horse is too high" - tigerchik

That's an interesting take on the situation, Hid, but I don't agree completely with what you said. I think only the gf knows what is best for her. Flaco should just be the man he wants to be and his gf can decide if that's the kind of person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I don't agree when people break off relationships saying "I'm not good enough for you". The other person is the only one who should decide that.

Pleeeeasee....don't take this as a "you're too young" thing because my husband is 6+ yrs older and I moved to Texas to be with him...but it was after I graduated from college.

I am basing my thoughts on this: I'm not sure how old you are, but you mentioned she's 20, and you're starting grad school, so I am guessing your in your early 20's too.

You are both in a growing phase of your life. We are all constantly working on ourselves, and after nearly 40 years of marriage, my parents are still working on themselves and it is a challenge. Make sure you keep that in mind.

I am not sure how long the "screw up" time frame was, but you can probably be assured, it will take that long or longer to adequately win back her heart and trust and devotion.

I know you've probably done this already because you do seem to know what happened and seem to have your head on straight now, but make sure you apologize. Many men just assume that we women know that they're sorry, but we need to hear it SO MUCH.

I am not a proponent of long distance relationships per se, but I will say the following:

1- I was in college in Auburn and my husband (now husband, then boyfriend) was in Dallas for a little over a year. We got to know each other's heart because we didn't see each other constantly and built a great deal of our relationship via phone and email (it was a long time ago, but there was email...slow, but email). It deepened our friendship and our relationship.

2- 2 of my closest friends in college started dating over the summer after she graduated. He graduated a year ahead but stayed in town to work 2 more years. She went overseas to east Asia to work for 2 years. She came home about 2x a year at the most during that time. They wrote and emailed. They are now married and the strongest couple I believe I have ever met.

Point is: Distance isn't necessarily good or bad, because, at your age, at the age I was and my friends were, you are still growing, learning, becoming the adult you are going to be. If she moves to California just because of you, she will need to be able to define herself there as an individual too and you will need to give her space for that. Also, if she's in school in Florida, encourage her to continue in Cali if she goes. You don't want 5 years down the road that regret to seep in.

Best analogy on relationships I've ever heard:
I want to be running full speed ahead towards the things in my life. If I look over and see someone running the same speed towards similar goals I want to be with, then I'll pursue it.

oh...the guy who said that is the husband in reference #2... he was running along here in the US and she was running along in east Asia...but they were headed the same place.

just my long 2 cents.

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Tiger for Life -- War Eagle!

i want to hear about the guilt trip that was destroying you. technicolor deets, please.

Are you a psychologist?? lol thats my major thats why i ask, you speak like a true psychologist with your statement... I do want to hang on to her, when the time comes to move to cali for me i will sit down and talk with her. Shes just starting Community College so she still has a long way to go and she knows school is important to me so she supports me studying and doing what i have to do to get my Masters and PhD...

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"Fear is what drives you in the last part of a marathon in an Ironman. The body is depleted and the mind is fuzzy. Short course racing is driven by power and finese at the end of a race, Ironman demands so much more and is driven by will and mental strength." Chris McCormack

10/28/08 Dev Paul had 400w FTP!!!

well this is gonna get interesting then lol...here we go...

I failed Stats 2 in the fall due to a horrible professor and me not putting enough effort into it. I have never failed a class twice and this class was the only class holding me back from completing Senior Lab and graduating in the fall... So I took it again and I got a 22 on the first test but got ALL the answers RIGHT, I just didnt know how to plug in the numbers to the proper formulas so I did the entire test on my calculator and got all the answers right. Second test I studied like crazy had notes and everything and got a 60. That destroyed me because going into the final I would need a 90 to get a C or better, C- doesnt pass if its a requirement for your major here... That destroyed me, it would be the first time in my life I failed on my second attempt at anything. I stopped training to study but I slept more than I studied and trained and it was eating me up inside. Finals come around and I get a 70 on the final, technically I got a D in the class, I failed myself. I went and talked to the teacher and she said I hadnt turned in two labs which I didnt and she told me to make them up and not to worry that I would get my C and graduate in the Fall. Grades came and yea I got my C but in my heart I felt like I didnt earn it, I busted my ass to pass but was just short and the guilt of having been passed cuz the lady was nice was eating me away. The last time I had felt so bad was when i was 18 and lost in rd of 16s of a National qualifier for a Tennis Super National. In that match there was a key point in which the ref overruled my call in favor of my opponent, needless to say I lost the match in the third set and was destroyed emotionally I cried in my towel for 10 min and it got worse after the match when a lady who saw the whole match came up to me and told me i had made the right call, the ended it for me. I quit tennis 2 wks later only to pick it up again in April to go to that Super National. I played college tennis for a yr after that and some pro tournaments...

I didnt understand that it was the guilt that was killing me I thought it was an issue that was on the surface. During a run yesterday I just stopped and walked home thinking what it really was and how deep the issue went. It reminded me of that time and thats the worst I ever felt. The decided to accept the fact that its is OK to fail, that in life we all fail at some point and its the successful ones that learn from their failures and apply it to future events to make sure they dont fail again. I am ok with the fact that I failed it had just been so long since I had failed so badly that I buried the issue and ignored it instead of dealing with it earlier during the semester...

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"Fear is what drives you in the last part of a marathon in an Ironman. The body is depleted and the mind is fuzzy. Short course racing is driven by power and finese at the end of a race, Ironman demands so much more and is driven by will and mental strength." Chris McCormack

10/28/08 Dev Paul had 400w FTP!!!

im goin im goin lol and yes I took your words in stride. I figured ya'll in here would help and I gotta admit i expected to get ROASTED a lot more lol but thats ok!!!

yea ill work on it and see how it goes if it works out great and if it doesnt your right I will know I will have done everything i can to make it work.

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"Fear is what drives you in the last part of a marathon in an Ironman. The body is depleted and the mind is fuzzy. Short course racing is driven by power and finese at the end of a race, Ironman demands so much more and is driven by will and mental strength." Chris McCormack

10/28/08 Dev Paul had 400w FTP!!!

I agree with you... I wont change who I am but I will adjust the best I can to make it work and adapt accordingly to situations

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"Fear is what drives you in the last part of a marathon in an Ironman. The body is depleted and the mind is fuzzy. Short course racing is driven by power and finese at the end of a race, Ironman demands so much more and is driven by will and mental strength." Chris McCormack

10/28/08 Dev Paul had 400w FTP!!!

you sound like an honorable young man with a lot of integrity. just be who you are, act with good intent towards the GF, and let karma take care of the rest. with your honesty, it'll all work out fine. :)

Wow thats awesome, I had a buddy of mine who did it in Az with me while studying and his gf was in Sweden...

Yea i told her tons of times that it was never her fault that it had nothing to do with her that it was me the whole time, it was an internal issue and i was working on it i just couldnt quite figure out wtf it was lol...


great motivation and I do believe i can make it long distance with her, there are a lot of ifs and the way I see it when the time comes closer for me to move then i will talk with her and see if shes willing to leave it all...unlike me she has her entire family here and shes super close to them, mine is in Argentina.

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"Fear is what drives you in the last part of a marathon in an Ironman. The body is depleted and the mind is fuzzy. Short course racing is driven by power and finese at the end of a race, Ironman demands so much more and is driven by will and mental strength." Chris McCormack

10/28/08 Dev Paul had 400w FTP!!!

thanx honor is a big part of my beliefs...Honor, Compassion and Loyalty(the Samurai's main three components of leading a peaceful life) are what I live by. Thanks for the support and I hope it works out, my intentions are only the best and thats all I want for her and for me

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"Fear is what drives you in the last part of a marathon in an Ironman. The body is depleted and the mind is fuzzy. Short course racing is driven by power and finese at the end of a race, Ironman demands so much more and is driven by will and mental strength." Chris McCormack

10/28/08 Dev Paul had 400w FTP!!!