tigerchik wrote:
In Reply To:
definitely worth asking an MD. Continuing bingeing certainly won't help - though I understand that binges are emotionally driven
Thanks for the info. I know bingeing never helps. It adds problems. Maybe my gut issues are the result of "on again, off again" bingeing.
I had different reasons for bingeing in the past. Now I'm doing it because I'm depressed over how my health is going downward. So, I turn to lots of high carb sugary food (healthy junk food) to cope with my pregnant belly. I know this is insane thinking, but, I'm trying to be healthy with nutrition and exercise, but, I still have this fat roll on my belly and severe bloating. I don't like this, so, I turn to food, that ends up making things worse. I need help.
Is therapy an option? If it's a $ issue some have sliding scales.
I agree with others that this sounds suspiciously like a gluten issue. You might try posting your symptoms on the marksdailyapple.com forum. Warning: they're anti-vegan and believe that gluten is the root of all evil, so the responses you are likely to get is "cut the gluten!" but someone might have some other insights for you.
Finally, how else can you cope with being upset/angry/etc about the feeling of a fat roll and the bloating? When you are feeling icky, what are NON FOOD ways you can make yourself feel better?
Thanks for the update, TC. I have insurance through my work. Therapy might be an option as I discuss plans and cost with a therapist. Yes, I have been hesitant about therapy, only because I don't want to pay someone to talk about my lack of healthy coping skills. Yet, I'm paying for it now with poor health. :)
Thanks for the info on Marks Daily Apple. I'm hesitant about going the route of incorporating animal flesh in my diet. There was a time in 1995 I felt super on a vegan diet. It was 2004, however, when I began having subtle issues in different parts of my body. After Branson 70.3 in September 2010, I felt my best ever (though not as great as switching to vegan in 1995). But, the last year has been the worst of my life. It's very hard to get on an exercise program like in years past because of these gut issues and lack of energy and overall gusto.
As far as coping with upset and angry feelings in a non food way, boy, you hit the nail right on the head! I think it's not some issue in my past (some people years ago hinted at sexual abuse, but, I have no evidence that justifies that, not from a friend, relative, babysitter, etc.). The only thing that comes to mind was in the eighth grade (about 1983/84) when I skipped school for several weeks, unknown to my parents at the time (they knew later). I stayed home while my parents were at work and my younger brother was at another school and watched movies while eating a bunch of sugary, processed junk food. At the time, I did not consider that I was "bingeing." I had no thought of "Boy, I'm getting fat. I feel so lousy." There was none of that, unlike today.
Fast forward to December 1990, while stationed in England with the Air Force. I had always been active, and into various sports in school like football, tennis, weight lifting and swimming. Once I was on a work schedule with my Air Force job in the U.K., I began doing workouts again, like in my high school days, at the base gym. One day while at the base book store, I noticed these men's fitness magazines. I read about various workout routines and types of foods that would help someone get the most out of their exercise regimens and get "ripped." This was new territory for me because, up until this point, I had no idea that what you ate could have an effect on how you felt. So, I took the advice of drinking more water, eating more fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains and lean meats with gusto. I've always been that whatever I'm going to do, I give it everything I got. So, I attempted to throw out everything that I was eating before, mainly the sweets and candy bars. In my mind, I considered those things now bad, and if I wanted to be "good," then I should not eat them. I also remember looking at some of the men's bodies in those fitness magazines (and some triathlon mags from that era), and desired to look like those people. Hence, a foot hold was made with my body image problem. However, the seeds were planted when I was a kid and noticed how heavy my Mom (and my Dad) and her side of the family looked. In my young mind, I vowed to do whatever was necessary to never get like that. I feared to look like them or some of my relatives. I soon looked upon all people who I thought were severely overweight with horror, that if I ever reached that point, I would kill myself.
So, in December 1990, I told my parents to not send me any care packages of sweets that I was accustomed to eating before. I told them that "I'm trying a new eating plan." I did well, imo, for two weeks, then out of nowhere, this intense, practically uncontrollable feeling came over me, and I got my hands on those forbidden foods that I deemed bad (cookies, pop-tarts, candy bars), and wolfed them down furiously. After 30 minutes to an hour while I had a good sugar buzz going from all those carbs, I felt the need for something salty to offset the sweetness. Then I thought, "what the heck did I just do?!? I am a terrible, weak willed, disgusting person. I'm such a failure!" Then, paranoia set in. I thought, "what would my coworkers, roommate and others say if they see me doing this? What would they think?" That's when I began bingeing in secret so no one would see my horrific behavior. I even left the base on my days off, taking a bus or train to a remote location in some city in Oxford or London where no one knew me, so I could binge on all the sugary food I wanted, and no one would think ill of me. I remember often bingeing like this while also needing other stimulus in the form of looking through mountain bike magazines, devouring the articles on the latest equipment and races, comparing myself to those elite athletes, wishing I could be as fit as them. Then, after a few days, I would pull myself up by my bootstraps, get back on a schedule, and do well, imo, for a couple of weeks. Then, I would have another meltdown, feel guilty and ashamed, and plunge into another disappearing, secret binge.
This began to be full blown during the summer of 1991. On time, when I I was on a schedule of good nutrition, sleep and exercise, a coworker made a comment about me looking "anorexic." I remember feeling so good when I heard that. I was on cloud ten! Then, another time when I was in a binge mode for several days, but had to show up for work anyway, one coworker poked me in the gut before we went out to our jobs on this flightline, and he noticed I was a bit pudgy, commenting as such. I knew he meant no harm, just kidding around. But I wished I could have destroyed those words that came out of his mouth. I wanted to run away as fast as I could because I felt so despicable. This scenario has happened many times afterwards in different venues with different coworkers in different jobs. I made an excuse to one customer in this health food store I worked at (after getting out of the AF) that I had been "working out" more when he saw me and asked, "Are you gaining weight?" I had been in a terrible binge cycle, and rightly so, working in this food store (not a good situation I later learned). I had quickly put on weight in a short amount of time, like 15 pounds in two weeks. So, this customer who knew me well from years of shopping there had commented about my weight because he had not seen me for awhile. I saw him from the back of the store, so I tried to avoid hide from him in the store so he would see me this heavy. When he said those words about my weight, I wanted to destroy those words from off the face of the earth. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day. However, when this same customer saw me on a different occasion years later, he commented how I was looking fit. I was elated to hear that! I never told him how upset I was when he asked me about the "weight gain." I later shared with him in private about my binge episodes. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders at that time to come out in the open with what I had been trying to hide.
When I am on a schedule of nutrition, sleep and exercise, I am REALLY on. But, after about six weeks (more like two weeks the last few months), I become overcome by this uncontrollable feeling, this presence, where I just consume every sugary high carb food in sight, (mostly the organic, healthy junk food, replacing Snicker's bars for Clif and Luna ones, Kellog's Pop-tarts for Nature's Path ones), then switch to something savory and salty to offset the sweetness. There have been times, like 10 and 15 years ago, I would steal food, or, money to get the food. In these scenarios, when I was off, I would be REALLY off. There has been no middle ground for me. When I would blow it, I would throw my will and hands up and, through my actions say, "Well, I blew it now, I might as well go all the way and do a really good binge. Really nail myself to the wall, and eat until I collapse." I would eat anything I wanted at any hour, stopped exercising, kept late nights with my sleep schedule all over the map. This has been going on for the past 20 years. On again, off again, a living Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
The longest I was on a regular schedule was 1995 and 2001. I remember going almost six months in both years where I was not bingeing. I went through a divorce January 2002 (no kids involved), and got into triathlons that same year with Memphis in May and a couple of sprints in August in AR. I took a couple of months off in October and November, then began a training plan again in December for the next year. Then, in January 2003, I woke up because of a fiery sensation in my right knee (it and my right leg from hip to ankle had always felt weird ever since going to clipless pedals in 1992). The next morning, while out for a run, I had to limp. I felt crushed, like my days of running were over. Thus, the bingeing started up again because of the physical set backs. I couldn't do the training and triathlons that I was looking forward to because of this supposed injury. I knew I could do well, and was willing to do the work. I saw and felt improvements when I was on a schedule. The efforts just got easier and easier. I wanted to see how far this body could go endurance wise. But, when I had a physical setback, it depressed me. So, I coped, by turning to sugary, high carb foods and stopped all forms of consistent exercise. More health problems ensued over the years, namely, fibromyalgia symptoms in my back, legs and feet. I still feel that today, but, I now have the constriction in my left chest, neck and head area that prevents me from getting a deep breath, plantar fasciitis and the stomach bloat.
So, here I am, feeling further away from my goals I set out in those early 90's - to have the best physical endurance I could possibly attain, hoping to get fitter and more efficient as the years went by. I realize now, I was still trying to be like those elite athletes, even hoping, back in my mtn bike racing days of 1992-1994, to one day win the rainbow jersey. I seriously thought it could happen, especially since moving to Italy in the AF in 1992 and getting in with a local mtn bike racing team. I almost stayed over there after the leaving the AF, but, the on again, off again binge cycles caused me to bail on certain mtn bike races, and I didn't stay in touch with these Italian friends I hung out with who owned a bike shop and managed a race team. So many times, then and now, I would sabotage my best, imo, well laid plans. I kick myself now, wondering what could have happened if I didn't binge that weekend, and chose to go to that race that I prepared for instead of bailing on my friends and locking myself away in that apartment for the weekend, burying myself in that sugar addiction.
And so, that pattern continues today. I suffer a setback, mostly due to some physical ailment, and bail on some plan that I've committed to, whether meeting family or friends for a get together, scheduled work, or a triathlon event or bike ride. As I type these words, I realize my coping skills are very poor indeed. I need help.
Thank you for sharing what you did about coping in a non food way. Food, specifically, sugary, high carb processed food, has been my coping mechanism for SO many years. I've never binged on a dozen raw apples, carrots or avocados or huge bowls of brown rice and beans; it's always the sweets for starters, then something salty like a giant pizza or veggie burger. I want to stop this, for, I now feel that my body is rebelling because of the abuse it has suffered for so long. I just don't know how to begin.