JenSw wrote:
I'm no longer married and don't have kids but I got thinking about this thread last night.
Whenever I go through a period of needing everything perfect and needing control over all things around me, I feel the least in control. Controlling how the towels are folded, the floor is swept, etc is a way to bring control to chaos. The stress isn't because of the need for perfection, it is because she feels out of control and is trying to find ways to feel in control. She is controlling what she feels she has the power to control right now.
Since you are a wild-card that she can't control, you are a source of stress. Even if you aren't doing one thing "wrong." Since you aren't satisfied with life right now, she likely is terrified you will leave and find a life more interesting.
I imagine your job dissatisfaction has more of an impact than you think. Even if you are financially stable, potential to lose steady income is extremely unsettling. That is the one thing that I lose sleep over and will send me completely sideways. Financial instability with two kids, I can't imagine. Even if it is perceived. What about health insurance? How long would it take you to find a new job? How long would your savings last? If you had to live off your savings, what would happen if it ran out?
These are all reasonable questions but may not be a reasonable thing to worry about right now.
Somehow you need to help her feel more comfortable with chaos. Find ways of assuring her there is a soft landing if the shit hits the fan.
For me, I always felt better when I had a plan B, C and D lined up. Maybe walk through everything she is worried about and come up with those plans. Saying, "Don't worry we have savings." isn't the same as saying, "Don't worry. If I'm not working, we need $xxx to get through each month. With our savings, we can live for xx months without selling anything. If we get rid of xx expenses, we can live xx longer on savings. If savings runs out, we have x other options."
She needs to know you are in it for the long haul and aren't going anywhere. Physical affection goes a long way to accomplishing that. I don't mean sex, I mean holding her hand. Hugging. Hand on her hip. I knew my marriage was in trouble when he stopped wanting a hug and kiss when he left for work. "I love you" sounds hollow after a while.
That sound? That's the sound of a nail being hit squarely on the head.
The stress is a symptom. It's not the problem itself. The problem is a feeling of not having control. That manifests itself through stress. And I'd be willing to bet it's about not having the level of the control she wants over the kids. You mentioned that she compares herself to her mother: unfavourably? What's the betting that she's driving herself to be as good a mother as she perceives her own mother to have been?
All of the house stuff is about trying to make up for a lack of control in one area by asserting control in another. Trouble is, it's ineffective because it doesn't provide the control she really wants; on the contrary, it highlights how lacking it is.
The solution? Either win the battle of bringing up the kids just so (forget it) or give up the whole idea of trying to be the "perfect" parent. Accept the life isn't about straight edges and flawlessness. It's about coping with all the things that aren't that.
A damn sight easier said than done, unfortunately.