I think you are making her lack of fitness too much about you... Look how many times you said I in that post.

Good point.

What made your friendship work before she was interested in working out?

Been there with "training buddies" who bailed on workouts but had good intentions. I gave up on the whole situation trying to find people to train with and now train with a group.

Also, sure you are annoyed with your friend but it sounds like this is about you and not about her. She apparently can't follow through which isn't your problem...it is hers. Let it go and write this friend off as far as training goes. Maybe you and her still have other things in common?!

Don't write her off just because she doesn't meet the goals you set for her.

I'd write her off as a workout buddy, but if you enjoyed movies, coffee, books, other non-fitness friend stuff before, focus back.

It is definitely tough when you expect people to have the same drive and motivation towards working out that you have. I have had the same experience with friends who want to start running or doing tris, but dont follow through. You just have to adapt the attitude of great if they come, but dont expect too much. It took me along tome to realize that not everyone has the same crazy that I (and probably you) do!

I agree to focus on the other things that make your friendship work.

I have a friend like this - she always wants to train together, but when push comes to shove - she never wants to do the training. I just sort of know that about her so when she suggests training together, I'm really encouraging, but my expectations are that she won't do it.

Look on the bright side - if she is out of shape, she probably can't train at your level anyways. So instead of spending your time training down to her (or doing extras with her) you can focus on your training and using the time to optimize that!

You have got it right.
What is the deal with women/men asking about friendship/relationship advice? Handle your own business people!

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DISH is how we do it.

Sometimes objective opinions can help shine a different light on things.

I think I was just so excited at the prospect of a training partner (I trained for my last IM 100% alone). It's such a small place I live in. And I think my feelings were hurt when she stood me up repeatedly, and she didn't really seem to understand that or apologize or anything. Maybe I'm being too sensitive though.

There is nothing wrong with asking others for advice.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

I think at some point it would be okay, and healing for you, to tell her that your feelings were hurt when she stood you up on multiple occasions. Once is forgivable but over and over, feeling hurt seems a normal response.

No one mentioned that maybe she stood you up because if you are fit already she might be intimidated.

I agree with QRgirl that hopefully you can be friends doing other stuff.

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I have a very close friend who recently got into triathlons (mostly at my suggestion that she would enjoy them.) We used to be really good running partners a few years ago, so I was very excited at the prospect of having someone to do my tri-training with. (Like you, I do much of my tri training on my own.) While she didn't stand me up or flake out on sessions, it did become very clear to me that her approach to triathlon and training would be always different than mine and that she wasn't going to be the training partner I was hoping for.

Initially, it upset me and I found myself getting annoyed that she didn't take the training stuff as seriously as I did. So, like you are probably now doing, I had to take a step backward and figure out what was actually bothering me. Once I identified that, it was a lot easier to find a balance. When she wants to join me for a bike ride or run, I just make sure those are my easy/recovery sessions. When we do open water, I'll swim with her and then usually do a little more on my own so I can get the length of swim in that I need. (I try to make sure to communicate these types of adjustments in advance so that she's prepared for a little bit of a wait post-swim.) That way, I can enjoy having company without having to get a certain training result.

In your situation, it sounds like the low self-esteem you mention not only hampers this woman's life but also excuses/explains her rude behavior. Standing you up and not apologizing is not acceptable behavior and you are right to be hurt by that. Even if she's standing you up because she's too intimidated to show up, she should still apologize for that. In your situation, were this a friendship I was looking to continue, I would probably talk to her about it and explain that she doesn't need to be an amazing athlete, she just needs to be a considerate friend. I obviously don't know anything about this woman's story or yours, but it wouldn't surprise me if all she really needs is that initial encouragement to put her on the path. I started all of this triathlon craziness as a total non-athlete and I didn't believe I'd ever be able do any of this stuff. It took years before I really accepted that yes, in fact I can swim a mile or run 10k, etc. I can't imagine how scary it would have been if I'd had an Ironman triathlete friend inviting me on training sessions. I'd have probably hidden under the bed! ;-)

Sorry for the lengthy post and good luck!

Michelle

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The beatings will continue until morale improves

I thought she was just bailing out on sessions, I didn't realize she was actually standing you up....that would bother me as well. Not a workout thing, but a thoughtfulness thing, what I expect out of a friend. It's rude. That I would speak to her about.

And now for a harsh response... I once was elated to find someone who would train with me for running. She would bail on 50% of the sessions, to the point where I became much faster than she was and we became incompatible as training partners. Was I peeved? Yes. Did it stand in the way of our relationship? No, but we were not besties in the first place, so it went back to seeing her occasionally, as always. Did it leave a bad taste in my mouth? Yes.

About 15 years ago one of my friends told me something that I now apply myself. If any of her friends were annoying, she would drop them. That is what I do now. Standing someone up is annoying enough. Not apologizing for standing someone up, or being late for that matter, is RIGHT OUT annoying. It's a lack of consideration of your time. It's a lack of respect. I dropped my former best friend, who was single, when I had to rearrange my schedule and get babysitting so I could join her for a joint birthday party celebration. She was 30 minutes late, did not apologize, then began to work on her files at the dinner table after asking me if I minded. I was simply incredulous. She's still single. I don't hate her, but I refuse to be annoyed when I have so many other friends who don't annoy me. Of course it wasn't that one incident that was the cause of the end of the friendship, but was the last in a series of chronic tardiness incidents over more than 10 years that left me embarrassed, annoyed, inconvenienced... you get the picture.

Don't feel badly if you want to drop her as a friend. There are other people you can hang out with who respect you and value your time.

Also, there is nothing wrong with asking for advice on this forum. Only a small percentage of the population understands some of the problems we experience as triathletes.

Good luck.