great question, erica! i was raised by a methodist mother who was raised by a german mother who didn't drink, smoke, play cards, go to the movies, etc., etc., and so i learned early on to feel guilty about everything good. "pride goeth before a fall." weird push-me, pull-you relationship with my mother and with my life. it's like groucho marx said, "i'd never want to be a member of a club that would let me in." so i gotta watch all the time to make sure i'm free to like myself. growing older, getting better at letting go of all that gorp that stands between me and living. *sigh*

I struggle with this quite a bit. None of my local friends are athletic, nor is most of my family, so I often talk down any of my athletic pursuits. When I finished Lake Placid last year I wanted to get on the roof and proclaim it to the world, but instead I talked it down and tried not to say too much.

My husband and I are doing well financially - mostly because we didn't have any college debt, we worked our tails off in our 20's and paid off our mortgage very early. Now we are in a position to have our girls in private school and I'm always uncomfortable when someone asks me where our kids go to school. Somehow I keep thinking the person is going to think we're rich snobs because our kids are in that school (we're definitely not rich and I really hope we're not snobs).

OMG, this IS a great question. Actually, I placed 3rd in my AG in my first sprint of the year Sunday, but found myself consistently telling everyone "oh, none of the local heavy hitters were there. It was a beginner tri." blah blah blah rather than just enjoying achieving something for my hard work.

Or how 'bout when you get complimented on clothing, how many of us go "Oh, I found this at Target for $10." rather than just saying, "gee, thanks."

I always feel the need to qualify achievement for fear that folks perceive somehow it was all just given to me easily and without effort.

It saddens me that so many folks can't feel joy for others' accomplishments, only resentment, that really underlies a general unhappiness. I never could understand others' obsession with what others have, or have achieved. Again, I'm back to the happiness factor.

This is one of my personal hang-ups too. I want people to know that I work full time and have a side business, that my husband didn't pay for it for me and that I put in long hours and enjoy what I do. I know some people think I'm a house wife who's husband pays for it all and that makes my skin crawl.

I recently invited some friends over to BBQ on our back deck to enjoy the yard we'd been working on and new deck furniture we had recently purchased. One person said, "Buying furniture isn't work" and I wanted to explain how I looked for almost 2 years for that furniture, watched ads, looked in every store, and waited to purchase until after my husband was done pursuing his 2nd master's degree (while I paid the bills) and if that wasn't a lot of work then maybe he should marry my husband and see what it's like to get Mr. Frugal Perpetually in Grad School to buy anything let alone deck furniture. BAM!

Instead of ranting I smiled and said nothing and it may be a cold day in hell before I invite that person over to sit on the deck furniture. Just kidding. I do have a chip on my shoulder about it though.

Yeah,
I think I'd rather be low key than come off the wrong way though...
Shortly after I had my last baby, my neighbor came over with a baby gift and somehow the conversation came around to sports, etc. Everytime I tried to say anything she ignored me and just talked to my "fit" husband. Then she happened to let it slip that she had, ahem, recently placed in her age group in a local 5k!

This is a really great question. I've been trying very hard over the years to accept compliments with "thank you" instead of downplaying them. It's remarkably difficult. I spent most of my 20's as a complete chameleon personality - shifting to reflect whatever personality I was hanging around with. (Exhausting to remember those years.) When I see the few friends I've retained from that time it's always a struggle for me not to play down this new athletic side of myself, a side of which I am justifiably quite proud.

It is funny how often women bond over putting ourselves down. There's a scene in the movie The Sweetest Thing where Christina Applegate and Cameron Diaz go back and forth over how much their bodies have gone downhill (yeah, right!) since their 20's. It's both hilarious and all too accurate. I can't count the number of times I've bonded with my girlfriends over fat thighs and poochy tummies and whatnot. It's a funny phenomenon, because it happens with virtually any women I hang out with from the extremely sporty (Us Womens of ST) to the couch potato friends. It just seems to be how we connect with each other, but can you imagine a bunch of guys doing this? Even though they share the same body insecurities we do, I've never witnessed them having conversations about it.

Sorry for that side tangent, Erika's post just got me noticing that...

M

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The beatings will continue until morale improves

I know a few women who talk to my sporty husband whilst ignoring me. They are on a special list and are treated accordingly. I'm sure she's on your list too.

I was at a race recently as a vendor and was chatting with the woman who crossed the finish line first (she lives in my neighborhood) and another female racer came up and completely ignored me and started talking to her so I introduced myself and she gave me that look like, "Who are you" but I stayed there and held me own. She seemed like a nice person but I can't stand elitist behavior like that. I'm a person too, I didn't win the race, but I am a person, with value, and it's rude to barge into a conversation between two people and ignore one of them, especially when they make an effort to introduce themselves to you. That's a whole other topic though.

I must be in a ranting mood today. Sorry!

I've gone past diminishing them to just not talking about anything I do.

Here's my set up...

Work Full Time M-F
Co-own a busy local bike shop w/ my husband. (he is the boss, works M-S full time). I work there in the early mornings, after day job, weekends and at local events.
I am the RD for our local triathlon in August
Train 10-14 hours/week to get ready for 2 Half IM's this summer etc.

What do my friends and family see? That I train way too much. And that we since we don't have kids and that I shouldn't ever say I am 'busy', as to those w/ kisd, I am not. (don't get me going on that!!)

I truly gave up and now I keep my accomplishments to myself or just share w/ my husband.

I'm discovering that most people don't really care how you do at a race, even if they are at the same race. I found out a lot about myself and of my friends during run training this year. I've been keeping to myself lately and rarely, if ever, talk about my training or anything for that matter. Perhaps I need some new friends?

As another poster pointed out, it really is too bad that people can't be genuinely happy for you when things go well (great race, new deck furniture etc etc) Life would go a lot smoother if it worked that well.

If you worked hard for the good results, be proud and let it show. If someone can't take it, that is their problem to deal with! (now, I just need to practice my own preaching!)

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Proud member of the Guru Cartel, EH!

Post your race reports here then because I for one love hearing about people's races and their results - good, bad or ugly, tell me all about it! I believe I have about 18 triathlon blogs I follow via Google Reader plus I read most of the RR's posted here.

A while ago I did some thinking about the friends I had and went through a sort of cost benefit analysis and realized there were some friendships where I gave a lot more than I got, I gradually let those go and put more work into the friendships I got value from. I still have a couple of friends that are seriously high maintenance but they're worth it. I don't have a huge social group but my friends are positive, supportive people, one of them is worth ten of the folk I let go.

I will talk about my races and training if people ask, otherwise I don't bring it up because most people are not really that interested. The exception is my family- I call everyone after each race and let them know how I did. But if someone gets on the subject of training, I'll talk their ear off, however, I usually don't mention how I finish in races. I love to hear how they are doing in their races, see if we have done any of the same races, etc. For me it's not how well you did in a race, it's how well you do against yourself. Everyone has their own goals and abilities. I love cheering on people who are racing no matter how they finish. They are out there doing something most people don't do.

"we spend far too much time and energy contemplating our inadequacies. We forget that we are all perfect in our imperfection." —Kate Dillon

I am as guilty as everyone speaking here....BUT....am working on change and I think that this quote says it all.

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Life is Short...Run Long

Great thread!

Yeah, I also need to work on "thank you". And being ok with the gains I have worked my butt off for, and taking pride in them.

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Miles of Life --- Powered by MarkyV

Good question! Yes I never talk about my triathlon or professional accomplishments. I am very proud of my husband and children though so I will talk about their accomplishments.

I'm not really worried about people being jealous of me so that is not the reason I don't talk about my accomplishments. I feel like I have worked damn HARD for the things I have acheived. I guess it's b/c I don't want to sound like I'm bragging. I know of a few people who go on and on about their races and who think b/c they are great athletes that they somehow are better people. They brag about how they could beat this person ect. I guess that is different than just telling someone how you did though.

Sorry I think I digressed. I'm not talking about a friend or person telling me they won or they got a job promotion. I think that's great, and I love to hear things like that.

I just wrote a novel about this on my blog Monday - because my daughter was in the back seat of the car telling me that she's the fastest runner in the world, and that she would race me, but "of course, I know I will win." She was the total opposite of most women talking about their bodies/abilities and it was so fun to hear.

My coach reminds me to say thank you to a compliment instead of making excuses for something I did.. I'm trying to do that in non-tri-world too. But yes, I'm with you, I do diminish things. Not because I"m worried people will be jealous, but more because I don't want to come off as overly proud of myself ;)

If your friends don't really care how you did - time to get new friends! You don't need them. I feel like most of my friends are just as excited, and often times more excited, about race results as/than I am.

Erika - I cannot believe that someone said that about your work on your yard/deck. That is so rude! When we bought our first home we were so excited. It was a townhouse. Our friends came over and the husband's first remark was "I would never live some where my neighbors could burn my house down." I guess he did it just to diminish our excitement or something? Sounds similar to your friend.. don't invite that one back!

Interesting topic, thanks for bringing it up!

Rachel, I think I got the idea from your blog, I should have credited you because I read that post and enjoyed it! Love your blog, especially the photos of the kids.

People say rude things to me all the time, I must look more easy going than I am. The absolute rudest to date: about one month after I miscarried, a friend who knew I had miscarried commented, "You're looking kind of chubby." What is the f#ck am I supposed to say back to that comment? I think an adrenline shot of grace came rushing through my body because I didn't smack the guy down or his wife for letting him say that to me without even blinking. The only thing I can muster in their defense was I had a low cut shirt on and I typically do not dress like that so the slightly larger than A cup I was sporting in a push up bra stunned them to stupidity. But that is a whole other topic and rant now isn't it. I am in a mood today!

You're funny.. I figured it was just coincidence!

I cannot believe that guy said that to you, either! He's fortunate you get adrenaline shots of grace, because I probably would have told him to F off. And then kicked him. You are very kind.

It took me a while to come to terms with how great I really am, but once I got over the guilt my life's been nothin' but a bowl of cherries. :p



I swear, sometimes "thank you" (and ONLY thank you) are the hardest words for a person to say...

Be proud of your accomplishments!

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I guess I tend to do this more before the race than after. I don't really tell people around here what I'm doing ahead of time in case I don't finish or something.
Afterwards, I'm OK wtih saying "I finished _____ ". Now, my husband likes to brag about me all the time, so I guess that "helps"?

Do you talk about your good times? You bet. My friends/family/coworkers are happy for me and what's going with me. I really don't have any negative energy life sucking people in my universe. If you do, give them the boot!

Are you worried about other people being jealous of you? Nope. Jealously isn't something I experience much on the giving or receiving end. I love my life but I don't think it's enough to induce jealousy in someone.

Do you talk down about yourself? Oh, sure I guess we all do. I'm just getting back into the race scene and struggling with weight and seriously diminished fitness compared to years past, which is a drag. The one comment that I get more often than I would like is when people ask what I do, it's frequently followed with "oh, you make good money." Who says that? I mean, really if you met a Dr. would you say, "oh you make good money?" Something about my career (sales, which can be good or bad...) makes it OK I guess. I need to come up with a witty response or better yet something that lets people know that that is an inappropriate thing to say. "Compared to a fry cook, yes. Compared to Bill Gates or Oprah, not so much...."

What are your techniques for appreciating your accomplishments without diminishing them? I don't talk about triathlon as much as I used to. When I first got into the sport and then did my first IM, I was SO excited about it. Most of my friends are into the sport so it's what we talk about anyway and most of my customers know I'm a triathlete so they ask about it more than I ever bring it up. I live in a small (read:easy to place in my AG, even being fat & out of shape) area and the local race results are in the paper. I laugh when people tell me they've seen my name in the paper.

Be happy with what you have and what you've accomplished and don't worry about what others think!!!

Erika, seeing as Khai jumped in first, I will add my (male) two cents. First, I will say that instead of a shot of grace or adrenaline, you should have given him a shot between the lookers.
Second, I do find my wife this way. She never believes she is athletic as she is, and she is! If I tell her she looks beautiful, she will find a way to deflect it and find something wrong with something about herself. She is a very accomplished wealth management consultant with a large brokerage here in Canada and still plays down her role on her "team".
She is awsome. I wish she could see herself through my eyes even for ten minutes.

You should find that guy and kick him. hard. Square. Because you can!
j

John, thank you so much for writing that. My husband makes comments like this to me all the time and I shrug them off because "he's biased." Now, I wish I could see myself for ten minutes the way he sees me. Your wife is lucky to have such a supportive spouse.

And Erika, you seriously should have kicked that guy right in the nuts. That's unbelievable!

M

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The beatings will continue until morale improves

M I shrug them off because "he's biased."
This is what my wife says but....Just because we're biased doesn't mean we're wrong! Next time he says something nice, take a minute and try to see what he sees. You'll just have this smile spread over your face say "Cool". Just like he does.
My wife is my training partner so we support each other heavily. She is da bomb.
j

Yes great points, and thanks for chiming in! I'm getting better about trusting the fiance when he says stuff like that :)

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Miles of Life --- Powered by MarkyV

this is interesting. My gf is like this. She is a phenomenal person, smart, successful, beautiful, a great mom who has raise three boys practically single-handedly, has a brilliant and stunningly handsome bf (well ok, maybe not that last thing). She downplays here many accomplishments. I don't think she sees herself as I see her. I certainly don't mean this to be sexist but is this a women thing?