Fair enough. It was a few years back when he said that. The recent discussion is one he brought up, so I'd like to believe the serious reservations you allude to have been assuaged.

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To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Interesting takes on marriage. Been married 25+ years and have questioned why I am still married several times a month-less now as I age. Our situation has always been different-in the last 10 years, his income is 0. I carry the bills, health insurance and am the level headed, think ahead one. I knew I would be making the money when we got married. We do NOT share accounts(actually his name is on mine and vice versa but no access). He pays his bills, I pay mine. We have no kids.
I came from a single parent household where the dad crushed the mom in bad credit etc so I will not let my credit go down ie no shared accounts. I don't trust anybody with my money. Maybe I should have stayed single.
Benefits of marriage outside of emotional?????In my house-none. He has nothing in the bank, disabled and no disability insurance. No sex for a while either. I am paying for 401K etc as well.
He, literally, is the kindest person I know. He is a wonderful man, and daddy to our dogs. He is my best friend and every now and then he does the dishes without me asking.......that is the only reason to marry. The money comes and goes, the sex mostly goes, the friendship and shared good experiences are what float you through the hard times. But you can get that in a non-legal relationship too.

He pays his bills, I pay mine. //

Just curious if he has no money in the bank and 0 income, how does he pay his bills?

Good point-he does some outside work that does pay for the cable bill....that is his bill. He also dog sits occas which give him some extra dough for gas etc.

Got it, thought maybe he got some SSI or some sort of disability payments, maybe not old enough yet?

I didn't like my family dynamics growing up either. My take was I'd aim to be self reliant in every way possible, and yes, giving someone else access to my accounts seems a super scary idea. I really don't have a reason to feel like that, with my boyfriend. It's just a long-held issue that I aspired to never be financially stuck in a relationship the way I felt my parents were.

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To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Ah, so that may explain it. I had heard that being married wasn't the tax break it used to be, but maybe what they meant was based on the wages involved.

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To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Thanks for your input. I was wondering whether #1 was true, and another person touched on that on page 3, I think. #2 was on our minds. #3 seems a bit surprising to me as I had no trouble buying my house (or cars) as A Single, Unmarried Woman (as it is spelled out in my house documents), though can appreciate that listing more income probably allows more buying power.

I hadn't thought of #4 or 6 at all. Do you happen to know how far the blood relative bit extends? I'm asking out of curiosity. My dad's alive, but I have no siblings so unless an aunt would count, or a half aunt (father's half sister), I think I'm out of relatives.

On #5, my company recognizes Life Partners. When I listed him as the beneficiary for something, he apparently got auto-added in the spouse field of my benefits. I hadn't realized that would happen. I can add him to my insurance too, and we are currently trying to figure out whether it makes sense to do so, since we pay less in total as individuals than either would by covering both of us. (I think my insurance is better.). I wonder if my companies recognition of Life Partners would actually work for FMLA...

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To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

I disagree with one or two of things on JSAs list. They may be easier if married but still apply if not:

#2 - blood relatives can challenge a will all they want, it doesn't mean they will be able to change the will. It may drag it out in probate and create legal fees
#3 - as you have said yourself it's all possible
#6 - IRA's and retirement accounts, surviving spouse does not automatically get the benefit. The listed beneficiary receives it. Example, you name a sibling as a beni on an account(401K, IRA) before you get married your spouse does not automatically become the beni when you get married. You have to update the accounts. Even if you are married you can name someone else on these accounts. Some state require a spouse signing off if you name someone else as a beneficiary for example in an annuity in a retirement account.

The biggest thing from what's listed that is an issue for you is SS benefits and FMLA. You could replace the lost SS benefit with life insurance or annuity but stinks because you already paying for it. The key to most of the rest is being proactive in planning and to make sure you take steps protect each other. Sitting down with an estate attorney and utilizing what ever financial planner /advisor you use.

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"I think I've cracked the code. double letters are cheaters except for perfect squares (a, d, i, p and y). So Leddy isn't a cheater... "

Marriage can’t be considered in a vacuum. Emotion absolutely must be part of the decision making process. If you or your partner are able to disassociate the emotional reasons from the practical reasons there may be a problem. If the pros/cons of the (largely) financial decisions are what create the tipping point, then like Windy and others have said, it may be best to not marry.
I want someone attached to me emotionally not financially.

I don't think you can skip the emotional benefits. My husband and I were together 7 years prior to marrying. We were both in our forties, self sufficient adults when we did it. Its hard to explain, but everything changed while nothing really changed. Granted we are not exactly typical as we experienced a deep (and continuing) trauma and through grief counseling realized our need to be together and prioritize our relationship.

I'm not sure how much a financial benefit it is, but its not a detriment. As far as securing a mortgage goes, it doesn't seem to be a factor for us. He owns our current home that we are prepping to put on the market, I just made an offer on what I hope to be our next home. We can each stand on our own independently, but choose to do so together.

Lastly, right or wrong, people seem to have more respect for a marriage then for a non-marital romantic relationship.

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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

A couple of your comments make me think marriage isn't the right choice for you or your guy. The desire not to lose your identity by taking his name, and aiming to be "self reliant in every way possible" suggests to me you don't want/aren't willing to risk some of the change and vulnerability that marriage or any long term relationship necessarily entails.

That's not to say all married women should take their dude's last name, or good marriages require sharing all your money, etc. but your responses in this thread make it seem like you aren't game for the commitment part, despite your stated desire to keep the conversation focused on the nuts and bolts stuff.

Speaking from an emotional response as I am in the middle of a divorce, the only real reason is to have kids. The sex slows down over time, each person changes over time and its a challenge. Then, one day you wake up and your spouse says she is not in love and wants out. So half or more of the financial benefit goes away. The good news is the kids but without kids, not sure any reason to marry. Especially with the new apps out there to find a companion with similiar interests

I've always been really happy that I have the wife and marriage that I do. This thread has made me appreciate it even more.

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I'm beginning to think that we are much more fucked than I thought.

I've been married a long time (25+ years), but still remember feeling like I disappeared as a person when I took his last name. I did it because (1) we were young and I wasn't all that professionally established; (2) his family is rural and VERY traditional so not taking his name would have created an enormous hassle; and (3) his last name is easy to spell and mine wasn't. A few years ago I asked my husband if he would be willing to get divorced so that we could save money on taxes. He said no. My brother and his SO have been together for years and have a kid -- they are not married and have no plans to get married. They own a house and seem to be able to work everything else out.

You can think about until you are twisted into a pretzel but there must be benefits to marriage because it just isn't going away despite many people who are on the right side of the issues insisting its an antiquated social institution and not necessary. Despite a high divorce rate.

Hollywood stars vowing they will never get married gettin married. Google income rates vs marriage rates and you will see linear relationship of increasing income increasing likelihood to be married. Same with educational attainment. Google the poverty rate over time amongst Black Americans and you will see poverty rate took off same time marriage rates took a nose dive.

If we didn't have marriage we would have to invent something like it witness law makers increasingly granting folks with common law relationships same benefits and obligations as married folks. JSA and Sally Shorts pants have given you some excellent reasons to be married. Just make sure you marry the right person.

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They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot