Hate to be an "activist" here but to be more clear in the future use the terms "birth parents" or "bio parents" (birth mom, birth dad, etc.) for the people who donated egg, sperm and womb.

"Mom", "dad", "parents", etc. are terms for the people who adopted and raised the kids. Sometimes "adoptive parents" is used but it's kind of grating to my ears.

Again, I'm no activist and I take no offense to those who use the "wrong" terminology. Just giving you a heads up.

Believe me, there are some nutty adoption activist out there just waiting to be offended.

I agree. I would never use the word 'mom' to describe the woman who gave birth to me. I usually refer to her as, well that, 'the woman who gave birth to me'. If someone asks say, 'is your mom alive' I redirect the topic or when pressed say 'I don't have a mom' and move on. I would NEVER refer to her as my mom.

As further amplication, she is still alive. To this day, I refuse to visit the city where she lives. I won't even drive through it.

MJuric wrote:

We're just waiting for his handlers in the Kremlin to turn on the chip....

Not to worry you...but if he's that normal they already have :-)

~Matt

When you go searching you might never be prepared for what you find.

Yeah, I've met my bio family. Without getting into specifics, not everything about them is love and peaches but I can get passed it. Let's just say they me a huge favor by choosing not to raise me.

We're on friendly Facebook terms and that's about it. I have a half brother that seemingly want absolutely nothing to do with me which is fine.

My sister met her birth parents and on the maternal side it's all pretty good but her birth father is a complete ass. He won't even acknowledge her existence (50 years later!). I think he's about dead at this point anyway.

My brother found his birth parents and they tried to scam him out of money. It was his actual bio-parents and not people posing as them in some kind of scam. His birth parents tried to scam him…

We went about attempting to raise her as if she was our child, without the knowledge you give above. From our perspective, we were the parents, from hers we were as well, but nothing we could do would ever fill that hole and we had very little idea that hole even existed.

I write this reluctantly. I had skipped over the post topic for 2 days because I didn't want to see what might be in it. I don't share this information with, well, anyone. Maybe a handful of people throughout my life know. The blow by blow of the backstory is irrelevant. I am not going to pick at that scab. But Alan stated something that resonates to this day within me so I want to explain something from the other side of adoption. I was an orphan. I lived in an orphanage. Yeah, they don't call them that today, but that is what they are. A place where they place kids whose parents don't want them anymore or can't take care of them any longer. Mine was a combination of both.

I survived. Somehow, I survived my childhood. I am a credentialed professional. Fairly wealthy. Live in a home worth 7 figures with a picturesque view of a lake. 40+ year stable marriage. My children have advanced education degrees and are doing well in life. But what you see is not the full story. I was an orphan and 60 years later, it still haunts me and creates those issues. Primarily, feelings of abandonment, of unworthiness of love. I still fight those internal battles. Not as often. Not daily. Not weekly. But not infrequently. For instance, I happened to watch the movie Steve Jobs. There is a moment where he is talking to John Sculley about being adopted and returned at 1 month old. He asks "what could a one year old do that was so bad that they returned me to the agency". That probably meant little to most viewers. To me, it sent me right back into the abandonment abyss. How can something so long ago still impact me so hard today?

You can't make the impact go away. So very many attributes of my personality, my attitude of what I will accept and what I won't can be traced back to that time period. I cannot imagine a child having been adopted NOT having behavior and developmental issues. There is a hole in them. One that can't be filled, only barricaded off and caution lights erected around so that you don't fall back into it. Oh, and a safety rope so you can climb out when you do fall back in.

Oddly, 2 of my best friends, long, long time friends, have a shared experience. One was adopted as an infant. The other was placed in an orphanage because his parents were too poor to feed him. Both have survived and are successful by all outward appearances. Both struggle, as I do, with the black hole of abandonment.

So be smart. Understand you can't gloss over this for the child you are adopting. I highly recommend psychological counseling for the child, especially when they get older. One of the best coping mechanisms my psychologists told me was to separate my life into 2 stages. The first being the stage where I did not have control (childhood and youth) and the 2nd being the stage where I did/do have control (adulthood). That I am not responsible for the decisions made and actions taken in the first, but I am for the 2nd. I use this thought to climb out of that black hole when somehow I fall back into it, like an unexpected moment in a movie that triggers it.

I talk to my wife sometimes about things that may come up with our son that she'll never understand.

I guess I'm lucky, as a parent of an adopted child, being also adopted myself.

You can't make the impact go away. So very many attributes of my personality, my attitude of what I will accept and what I won't can be traced back to that time period. I cannot imagine a child having been adopted NOT having behavior and developmental issues. There is a hole in them. One that can't be filled, only barricaded off and caution lights erected around so that you don't fall back into it. Oh, and a safety rope so you can climb out when you do fall back in.

Thank you.

For what you do.

You do what most never will (including myself).

Thank you.

Thanks aren't necessary...

I'm impressed that even Duffy can talk about serious stuff for a few lines ;-)

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think this is very important as it gives me (us) some insight into what could be going on in our adoptive child's mind.

I lost my dad unexpectedly less than 2 years ago. He was healthy but 84. Just didn't wake up. Every so often I'll watch something that will make me think of him, or hear something or whatever and I'll tear up. Really fast.
But this is something that we all anticipate at some stage. The feelings you get are much deeper so I'm sure no matter how I try I can't come close to how you felt. But duly noted nonetheless. Professional help is on our list. Once again, thank you and everyone else.

I'll post just to give a different view. I was adopted as a baby (1 week) and have never felt a "hole" or felt like I was abandoned. Quite the opposite, my parents often told me (and my brother who was adopted from a different area) that they chose us because they knew we were the ones for them. Honestly, the idea of abandonment never crossed my mind until this thread. I never had any issues growing up that could be associated with my adoption and very rarely ever think of it except to smile when people say I look like my mom or ask if my dad is tall (I'm a 6'1" woman.) And now that my mom is in memory care with severe dementia, nothing can make me smile like walking into the room and having her say "there's my beautiful daughter." I know my story is unusual, and I was very fortunate, but t wanted to point out that not ALL adopted children have a hole in their lives.

For those that had much harder roads, I'm very sorry and hope you all find happiness.