So this is long...but your post hit home with me....please believe that the other side of right now is a helluva lot better.
I gave up so much of myself over the past two years - hardly working out, not racing, no self-esteem. Between a lousy work environment, a relationship that wasn't fulfilling & left me angry & lower-than-expected financial ability to deal (funding multiple houses) just left me wasted at the end of each day. I told myself that it was ok to not put pressure on myself to be an athlete right now, it's ok to just survive each day doing what I can & not stressing about what I wasn't. It drained almost all of who I am, what I'm proud of & what I do to reclaim my sanity. I hadn't ever needed medication & found myself on a small dose of Lexapro just to sleep through the night & shut my brain off long enough to recharge to make it through the next day.
About two months ago I realized that life is way too short to spend it getting beat up (metaphorically) all the time. To spend time being angry or being sad, to allow the excuses making it ok for me not being "who I want to be", to blame the financial issues on the bad situation, to say that it'll get better & I'll/we'll come out the other side, to continue taking the blame for everything that was right/wrong/indifferent/unhappy - without making any efforts to do so. I had already started the ball rolling to relocate & had to do a major gut-check on WHY I was doing it - for him or me. Turned out the process started for him. But then things changed. I took charge of my own situation, my own happiness, my own destination. I still relocated to the same town, but I did it for me. Great job opportunity fell in my lap, great house, good weather, awesome parks to run in & great pool to train in. It's not my fault that he was unhappy, it was my fault that I was allowing myself to be unhappy. It's not my fault that he lied to me & cheated on me - it became my fault for sticking around & letting it continue, for thinking I wasn't worth more than that sooner & that he did love me enough to work it through. It's not my fault that the relationship failed - it's my opportunity to say I did everything I could possibly do & now I get the chance to be as happy as I deserve to be.
I relocated to a new town where I only know 2 people. I've severed ties with those people now (in walking away from the relationship) & am so happy I could fart rainbows. I got in the pool for the first time in almost 2yrs four days after handing his shit back & swam nearly the fastest intervals I have since college. I've run through a hilly park & realized that it's not as easy as it was, but damn it feels good to be able to look at the deer, the owls, the leaves, the trees....so I walk a lot for now on these runs & they're nowhere near fast - I'm exploring a new town, new areas, finding new people, etc. I'm reconnecting with the person I want to be & rediscovering the standards & expectations of myself & my life. After so long of allowing the excuses to justify why I was just floating through & allowing (maybe needing) someone else to set the expectations, the standards, the pace, the outcomes - I realized that I'm extremely lucky to be alive, to have the abilities I do & the opportunity to be who I want to be. I owe it to myself to not take that for granted, to not look back & realize that I wasted too much time on less than my best. I deserve someone that wants to be with me & someone that wants to work with me (through the good & the crap) to enjoy life together.
Take the time you need to let the pain subside & do what you need to get by, but don't allow yourself to be at the mercy of anyone else's decisions or feelings. The only thing we can control in our life are our reactions. There are not victims, only volunteers. You may not have asked for this or wanted this, but you're in control of how long you let it affect you. It takes time to heal & to move forward but you cannot live your life being a product of what has happened. You are worth more than that & you deserve nothing but the happiness that lies just ahead. Realize you're worth it, you deserve it. You deserve to live each moment stoked to see what's next, with someone/something who can't freaking wait to see it with you.
Keep plowing forward & rest assured that the best is yet to come. (Enough of the Hallmark commercial already!)
AW
I gave up so much of myself over the past two years - hardly working out, not racing, no self-esteem. Between a lousy work environment, a relationship that wasn't fulfilling & left me angry & lower-than-expected financial ability to deal (funding multiple houses) just left me wasted at the end of each day. I told myself that it was ok to not put pressure on myself to be an athlete right now, it's ok to just survive each day doing what I can & not stressing about what I wasn't. It drained almost all of who I am, what I'm proud of & what I do to reclaim my sanity. I hadn't ever needed medication & found myself on a small dose of Lexapro just to sleep through the night & shut my brain off long enough to recharge to make it through the next day.
About two months ago I realized that life is way too short to spend it getting beat up (metaphorically) all the time. To spend time being angry or being sad, to allow the excuses making it ok for me not being "who I want to be", to blame the financial issues on the bad situation, to say that it'll get better & I'll/we'll come out the other side, to continue taking the blame for everything that was right/wrong/indifferent/unhappy - without making any efforts to do so. I had already started the ball rolling to relocate & had to do a major gut-check on WHY I was doing it - for him or me. Turned out the process started for him. But then things changed. I took charge of my own situation, my own happiness, my own destination. I still relocated to the same town, but I did it for me. Great job opportunity fell in my lap, great house, good weather, awesome parks to run in & great pool to train in. It's not my fault that he was unhappy, it was my fault that I was allowing myself to be unhappy. It's not my fault that he lied to me & cheated on me - it became my fault for sticking around & letting it continue, for thinking I wasn't worth more than that sooner & that he did love me enough to work it through. It's not my fault that the relationship failed - it's my opportunity to say I did everything I could possibly do & now I get the chance to be as happy as I deserve to be.
I relocated to a new town where I only know 2 people. I've severed ties with those people now (in walking away from the relationship) & am so happy I could fart rainbows. I got in the pool for the first time in almost 2yrs four days after handing his shit back & swam nearly the fastest intervals I have since college. I've run through a hilly park & realized that it's not as easy as it was, but damn it feels good to be able to look at the deer, the owls, the leaves, the trees....so I walk a lot for now on these runs & they're nowhere near fast - I'm exploring a new town, new areas, finding new people, etc. I'm reconnecting with the person I want to be & rediscovering the standards & expectations of myself & my life. After so long of allowing the excuses to justify why I was just floating through & allowing (maybe needing) someone else to set the expectations, the standards, the pace, the outcomes - I realized that I'm extremely lucky to be alive, to have the abilities I do & the opportunity to be who I want to be. I owe it to myself to not take that for granted, to not look back & realize that I wasted too much time on less than my best. I deserve someone that wants to be with me & someone that wants to work with me (through the good & the crap) to enjoy life together.
Take the time you need to let the pain subside & do what you need to get by, but don't allow yourself to be at the mercy of anyone else's decisions or feelings. The only thing we can control in our life are our reactions. There are not victims, only volunteers. You may not have asked for this or wanted this, but you're in control of how long you let it affect you. It takes time to heal & to move forward but you cannot live your life being a product of what has happened. You are worth more than that & you deserve nothing but the happiness that lies just ahead. Realize you're worth it, you deserve it. You deserve to live each moment stoked to see what's next, with someone/something who can't freaking wait to see it with you.
Keep plowing forward & rest assured that the best is yet to come. (Enough of the Hallmark commercial already!)
AW