+1

I'm not going to play internet marriage counsellor, but you two need to work this shit out.

You're against her taking your infant daughter halfway across the globe without you, but you'll support her decision to do it? What were you expecting when you decided to become parents? It's hard fucking work, every day. Some days more so than others.

I mean, welcome to parenthood. Do it, or fucking don't.

[/toughlove]

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

You need to figure this out and stay together. Things could get harder at six months than now and then what? I had never been around kids before my first. My wife had an emergency C section and was bedridden. After the second time I asked a nurse to change a diaper, something I had never done, she told me I was the father. You need to stay together and completely reprioritize everything, from what you eat, to gym schedules, financial priorities, work, etc. I'd be shocked if she leaves and actually comes back in six months and things would be substantially easier. I'd be shocked if she leaves and you are still married two years from now. What were you expecting fatherhood would be?

Father or two daughters here. One is 11 months other is practically 4.

Don't send them overseas. I see too many dads working tons of hours and traveling who have no connection with their young kids. Its sad to watch. Sending them overseas would be worse. Lets not forget the effect on your husband/wife relationship.

My advice: There are plenty of people who have zero support from grandparents and both parents work full time. They get by and have great kids. The best ones keep their lives outside of the kid but also spend quality time with the kid. Get your wife to keep doing what she did before kids, just on a lower scale. I make sure my wife gets to run 4-5 days a week and do a group run with her friends at least once a week. She also gets to go to a happy hour with her friends once a month. I am allowed to do the same.

If you work tons of hours, make sure at least one day a week you are home early so the mom can get out to do her thing. I'm a single dad when my wife works the night shifts, its really hard, but its good bonding one on one time for me.

Hate to sound mean but, man-up or rather dad-up. Managing a family is hard, it becomes your top priority. If you need to reduce hours or pay, its worth it.

I'll add one caveat to the consensus: if your wife is dealing with post-partum depression, or you have any suspicion whatsoever that she is, confront it head on and get professional help. We lost two young children in our family about five years ago, killed by my wife's cousin's wife in a cloud of postpartum psychosis. It's nothing to presume is just "baby blues" and this may be an early indicator that she's struggling, if she's considering such drastic measures.

Again, going away for help with the kids won't fix your problem, but leaving her alone and feeling isolated can make things substantially worse. Know the entirety of what you're dealing with, here. And good luck.

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

x2

Nothing wrong with getting help. I know people who have had anxiety issues and depression due to child birth. Getting professional help really was key.

My family is quite nomadic. My sisters and I were born in South Africa, and then flew the nest to Europe. My folks followed shortly after.

The situation at the moment is that eldest sis lives in Holland, middle sis lives in England, and as of two years ago we live on the south coast of Spain, previously UK. We = wife, son (9yo) and daughter (7yo), and myself. Parents settled just north of Lisbon.

So we have to travel to see each other. My folks have been very helpful and are willing to fly over to help out, and have done so twice in the last year.

My company is based in the UK and so are most of my clients. Last year I spent 2-3 nights a week in England, and at the moment I work in Madrid for 3 days per week. During those times, the mrs is with the two kids, and I fly/train/etc to where needed.

I had similar concerns about missing the kids, formative years, etc. However it has never occurred to us to split up so that the mrs can be with a supportive environment. She has created it for herself here, with her then-broken and now more fluent Spanish, with friends and neighbours.

The weekends are full-on for the kids, and we do all the things together that we moved out here for. Outdoor lifestyle, water sports, new culture. They know that when I'm working, I'm working for the benefit of all of us, and the price to pay is that sometimes dad isn't there to read the bedtime story. But they do know that I'm a phone call away, and they can skype/facetime me any time they like.

So I would echo what the others have already said and alluded to. You've moved out to Oz for a reason - that reason should be strong enough to warrant working for, and sticking it out, together. A family unit is just that: a Unit. Keep it strong.

I don't think I've ever seen such a unanimous voice on ST before.

No one can judge your life but you, but if you're asking for other's opinions, mine would be to not break up your family. My wife and I both worked full time when both our daughters were born, and we had pretty much zero support from friends or family. It was hard and we made a lot of sacrifices. Neither of us slept for the first five months with either girl because they had reflux issues and couldn't sleep. It was excruciatingly hard and utterly fantastic.

You've made the commitment to create a life. It'll come with tremendous sacrifices. Start now.

Reflux sucks, didn't get better till 9 months for us. Our first would not nap at all because of it. We sometimes left her sleeping in her car seat so she would be able to sleep at night. Our doc told us he put his kid in a car seat on top of a dryer to get the kid to sleep. Only thing that worked for him, bad idea? yeah but you do what ya gotta do.

How come no one has suggested you ALL move back to the uk together? You said moving to Australia was a lifestyle choice (at least partly). You guys seem to feel isolated and I don't blame you, I would as well. Things might not be easier in 6 months, they might be harder. Personally I found the 1-2 year old phase really hard and you haven't gotten there yet. Go back home where you will have more support for the duration.

I live near my family and used to live across the country and I can't imagine being away from family with young kids. People do it, but it seems to be really hard.

My daughter sees our relatives all the time and they all love it. They also help us out a ton. We get date nights, weekends away, and even took a week long vacation together while inlaws watched the baby.

Also, definitely look into post-partum depression asap. It's very common and this sounds like it's a real possibility.

"How come no one has suggested you ALL move back to the uk together? "

This was my thought. Australia isn't going anywhere. Go back to the UK for a couple of years... then look for another job in Australia again.


The last and, IMO, the worst, option is what you asked about. Do not separate your young family. Make that the priority and decide from there.


Frank

I used to do the classic "drive them around until they fall asleep" routine. Sometimes that would mean driving to a park and catching some sleep myself (during the day). One day after they fell asleep, I crawled into the way-back seat to catch my nap.

I woke up half an hour later, surrounded by cop cars. They were seconds away from breaking the window because someone had reported "abandoned children." That was fun.

After that I always made sure to catch my sleep in the driver's seat.

By the way, don't fight this idea too hard with your wife because when your daughter turns 14, you'll want to revisit this plan to send her and your wife halfway across the globe. You'll see what I mean at that time.

More thab 50% of the people i worked with in the middle east. Wife lived in uk. Friends. Family. Social life. Kids.

They just spent the cheques

I told my wife if she thought i was going to stay so she could spend it she was out of her mind

I can't believe you are even considering this as an option. It just seems bad and like a bad solution.

Honest question, what did you two expect when deciding to have a kid? I'm not trying to be harsh , I'm curious ?

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"I think I've cracked the code. double letters are cheaters except for perfect squares (a, d, i, p and y). So Leddy isn't a cheater... "

Most people making strong comments have been where you are now, extremely tired, frustrated, struggling to make it day to day. Its a wall, most of us have been there. It is worth it on the otherside.

Didn't even read the other comments. Don't separate from your family because it would be hard. Don't separate from your family even if you have to. When they are gone even if you are making plenty of money and everyone is safe and sound you will be losing out on the one thing that matters.

I don't want to give any bad thoughts but you really got to think about this. What if something happens to your wife/daughter while they are away. Are you really willing to risk knowing that you wont be able to do anything to help when they need you the most because you guys wanted to take the easier path?

Sorry if this is rude of me but the thought of a family separating for financial reasons is just frustrating.

What sphere said.... When I first read this I wondered "why do you need all this help?" We raised 2 kids (22 months apart) with full time jobs. It's awesome, and it can suck, each and every day. Find a nanny, daycare, mom's group, whatever it takes.

If you think it's rough now, wait until they turn 3. Full emotion and some intelligence. Now that's scary!

Do look into the depression thing. You can't play around with that.

Please don't do this, it is a terrible idea.

I can relate to your situation. I am Canadian but I have been living in Germany for six years and my husband is German. We had a daughter in 2016. I am still at home with her full time and I have no help and no family nearby, never did. My in-laws rarely visit and when they do, I wait on them. It is really hard and lonely sometimes. Our situation was especially difficult because shortly before my daughter's birth we moved to a different city where I had no friends. I really had no one and suffered from postpartum depression for almost a year.

Even in my darkest moments, it never ever occurred to me that I should take my daughter and go live with my parents in Canada. It sounds a bit like maybe your wife is struggling to accept her new life and responsibility. Nothing can prepare a woman for becoming a mother and not everyone is happy about it at first.

It will get easier. Soon your daughter will start interacting and learning new skills and you will become one of those annoying parents who sends videos of your child almost rolling over. I would recommend your wife find some mommy groups and if she can't find one, then start one. The women I met in these groups never became close friends, but at least it gave me a reason to get out of the house and be social, so it helped.

This helped me and maybe your wife feels the same way. http://www.scarymommy.com/sometimes-i-cry/

Don't let her split you up. Go above and beyond to get her involved socially in your Australian community. meetup.com is a good source here in the United States and I'm sure something like that exists in Australia. Shoot, regardless of what you think of the theory, CrossFit generates a lot of friendships among its members. Find a local one and have her head there.

Also, and this is from personal experience, post-partum depression is real. Learn about it. Don't let her sit at home stewing in her fears.

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War is god

This thread just totally amazes me.

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_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man

Agreed. "Being a parent is tough without others helping - so we're going to split up our family so it will be easy on me."

There are widows raising 3-4 children by themselves, and yet a married couple can't raise one without help from parents/in-laws??? I hope they don't intend to have any more kids - it might break the world.

Hey Slowtwitch fam, and those who contributed to this thread,


I just thought i'd follow up with what has transpired since posting.


Infact first of all, i'd lie to thank everyone with their thoughts and opinions. This is slowtwicth after all....and I knew exactly how some of you would react to this topic. In typical Slowtwitch fashion, some of you gave no BS and told me how it is.


In the same vein, i showed my wife this exact thread. Basically, sat down with her, and said...'read this thread, and we both know we have to HTFU'.


In conclusion....we are staying as a unit. She is staying with me in Oz, and will be doing everything to make her feel she has all the support in the world.


Without getting sentimental, thats what i like about the community of endurance athletes...we always tell each other to HTFU and just deal with it. I think that my wife needed to see this, coming from and introvert and totally different mindset to me, to accept the fact that we can see through any difficulty.


Shes not and endurance athlete, but i think deep down, she was happy i reached out.


Thanks fam.
And hopefully this sort of thing wont rear its ugly head for others that are in the position as me.

100% right decision

Total aside. We just left london for provence

We rented our house out and a couple that viewed it (him british her from sydney with 2 small kids)

Sold up in London last oct. Moved to oz for xmas. Moved back in june. They moved for the "lifestyle" but was not what they wanted