Also, follow-up question ... do you feel like you're are equally contributing to each other's growth as an individual?

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Gnothi Seauton.

Most of the questions in your OP seem like a recipe for disaster. That line of thought seems like it would either lead to a fight or divorce.

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"I think I've cracked the code. double letters are cheaters except for perfect squares (a, d, i, p and y). So Leddy isn't a cheater... "

My wife and I are pretty equal. When we got married, I came in to the relationship with more (no debt, savings, etc) but she was only a couple years in to her career. Fast forward a few years, her loans are all paid off and she's saving aggressively. Also, her job has a sweet benefits package, and I'm self employed, so, there's that.

We are both go getters and hard workers. She is a little more OCD and type-A then I am. We bring in roughly the same amount. She does most of the house work, I spend a lot of my free time renovating our old (but new to us) house and I walk the dog 3 times a day to her once a day. I think we have a pretty good divide-and-conquer thing going on based on our strengths.

One area we can improve on (in my eyes) is long term planning. My wife often laments about stuff like "Why can't we vacation in Europe next year" type thing, but then never goes through the steps of planning a trip, determining costs, seeing how much extra we should be saving, etc. She doesn't really have a long term plan or goal for wealth building either, because she has a very stable job that pays well, but not really great, and a full pension. Sort of enough to live a comfortable life but not really afford the luxuries (like that european vacation...) that she wants consistently. Being self employed, I have a plan of how we can invest and grow, involving some sacrificies now, to enjoy life a bit more later. We are working on aligning our goals in this respect, but it's hard to find the time to sit down and hash these things out.


She just finished her last day of work for 14 months (mat leave plus two months off before D-Day) so it will be interesting to see how our dynamic shifts and the new balance we strike with a baby on board.

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Long Chile was a silly place.

Me: Do you want to get Mexican food?
Her: If you want.
Me: arrrrrrgh! x36 yrs.

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_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man

I haven't worked in 17 years, I'm the stay at home Dad. My wife works and is happy with the situation. My wife does nothing but work and come home to be with the family. I do all the chores, cleaning and cooking. She'll help out if I ask and this works for us. I average around 150-200 miles per week on the bike.

What do you want to eat? Dunno, you? I asked you first... How about x? Nah, not that.

Our relationship summed up pre-kids. We don't go out as much and are more selective about where we go - at least until the kids are older.

My wife was self employed before me

More ambitious

Made more money

Then it reversed - not the ambition just the circumstances

Both wanted financial independence

Broadly i suggest / plan trips, property purchases, investments etc and she says yes / no

I do all the financing she just signs things

She does more heavy lifting with kids though even during her mat leave with split night feeds 50/50

My situation is similar except I had a 4 year stint of full time in the middle and I don't bike much anymore.

I have learned how to fix nearly anything in 17 years

We make the same amount of money I probably work more hours to make it. She does more of the kid arranging stuff because she wants to. I think I pick up the slack on other things. I think it is better if I strive to give more than I get because I think that makes life better. Don't know if I am succeeding because of capacity for self delusion.

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They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

I'm retired military / stay at home dad and bring in about 1/3 of the total household income. I do 100% of the domestic work and volunteer significant free time at my daughter's school. My wife works two jobs (4 days at a community out-reach clinic, 1 day private practice) and is enrolled in her second doctorate. We have both never been happier than we are right now.

I think you might be asking the wrong question. The question should be - Are you happy or content with what your spouse brings to, or puts into, the marriage?

I've been married for 25 years and have never asked myself if I thought she was my equal in the marriage. It doesn't matter. What matter is that I'm happy with what she does put into the marriage. Likewise, I think she would say the same for me.

Last year I earned close to 10 times what she earned. However, her job provides insurance and has a vested retirement through the state. She does a bit more housework than me, and I do more yard work than her. We both cook regularly and shared mostly equally with the kids when they were young. I'm happy with what she does and think I'm lucky to have her.

We respect and love each other. Who cares if an objective examination might show that one person is putting in more towards the marriage? If I were to look back over the years, there would be times that she contributed more, and times I contributed more. It doesn't matter.

The "r' word. Respect. If you respect and appreciate what your spouse does, you are typically in for a stable marriage.

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_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man

It made me happy to read your post

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They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

Now that the bitch isn't looking over my shoulder while I type, I can say what I really think. :)

I'll add to this. We discovered that my son was autistic when he was 2-3 years old. My wife started reading everything she could. One of the things that she discovered was that diet affects the behavior of autistic children. We cut out wheat and dairy and saw an almost immediate difference in our son. He went from acting like he was in a daze to being alert.

She made him special meals and experimented with all sorts of things trying to find alternative foods for him. She lined up speech and occupational therapy. He is 19 years old now and still goes to it.

This year he graduated from high school, with a low 3.xx GPA. That young man worked hard for his grades, and never complained. I give her a YUGE amount of credit for my son turning out like he has. The time, love and effort that she put in for my son just can't be measured.

We have always made very close to the same. Promoted pretty close to the same pace. If I don't ruin our lives by going back to being a lawyer my income should jump a big chunk.

She is the smartest woman I know but she is crap for making plans so I make most of them. For instance, her plans for tonight was to go see Spiderman. Of course when I checked times it became obvious it opens next week.

Our life goals have always been virtually identical. We have never argued over anything important. And most arguments have been because I was being dumb and/or a dick.

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I'm beginning to think that we are much more fucked than I thought.

This is both an easy and challenging question to answer.

Objectively and measurable, it's easy. I do 80% of the indoor cleaning and housework, a ton of laundry, am the only one to put laundry away, almost the only one to wash dishes, cook 90% of the time, do 100% of the outside work, have to figure out anything random like fixing things or hiring it out. She does the bills (which I hate doing and she's great with it), plans out random savings goals like vacations or home improvement, most of the kid things, and keeps the organizational aspects of the house in line, like doc appointments, kid events, etc...things I greatly struggle with.

Add up a balance sheet, and the honest truth is that I probably come out ahead with tasks. Frankly, it's frustrating at times...and exhausting.

But when I step back I realize a couple of things. She's got the tougher end emotionally and with her energy. The kids are young and she's putting time and energy into energy-draining situations, without taking the time for herself that I'm able to take (my riding & a weekly time with friends). She's super glue and I & our house wouldn't hold up the same without her. My tasks could be replaced with a well trained ape, which may actually describe me. Not to say I don't spend a lot of time with the kids, help with them, raise them, play with them...I do. She just provides a different level of nourishment that is incredible, so much so that I can't imagine anyone else doing it. She's really amazing; cliche as it is, the kids and I are blessed. I plant things, but she can make it grow in infertile ground.

That can't be measured with tasks, despite how natural it is to focus on those sometimes. What I really wish is that we could find more regular and effective ways to step back from the immediate household stressors of kids and a home to spend more quality one on one time together. The longer we go without that, even when we're doing great, makes it more likely that we slip into these measuring games and then have unspoken issues or lack appreciation for each other. And it makes it less likely for us to see the better traits in each other -- her ability to get shit done while being a brooding presence in our family's future growth and mine to be even keeled and humanize difficult situations with a more light & forgiving touch.

All that to say -- we're pretty even overall, but it's too easy for us to slip into the normal couple thing, measure each other, and forget to recognize that, & then forget the perfectly necessary uniqueness of each other in the relationship and as individuals. That's the key, and frankly it's still a struggle at times for us at times in this stage of raising energy-draining children. Well past the critical stage, but an area for us to grow in, no doubt.

Love this question! And my answer would be different several years ago. I am the only source of income, insurance, retirement etc. Hubby is now disabled(double amputee) and stays home to take care of the dog.
Five years ago, and several times on and off over the 25 year marriage, we came to almost parting our ways because of the inequality. At that time he was not disabled, but in a very poor self employment "job" that didn't even cover expenses.
Since 2014-he has had 2 below knee amputations and frankly, I have struggled greatly having my future changed completely due to his health(diabetes). The medical bills have been bad.
Now, I see him as my soft place to fall when I get home. He is a happy guy, the kindest person I know. Doesn't make any money at all but brings something to my life that other wise I would not have-positivity and someone who cares about my day. This may sound bad-but I liken him to a giant puppy.....happy to see you when you get home, eats a lot, makes a mess, cost a lot but brings an intangible good feeling to your life.
I did not recognize this a few years ago and it took his health issues to actually bring that to focus for me.
I still get pissed about having to cook, work, do the yard work etc. I wanted to cut back my hours by now-he can not get disability(long story) so I am it till we hit 65 or so.
So it is a crazy balance we have-he does a little yard work, takes care of the dog, smiles at me when I get home and does not get upset if I fly off the handle. I'd say we were equal.

That's tough. Good on ya - wish you the best.

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Gnothi Seauton.

I would say we are about equal. My wife and I work the same amount of time, but she makes 2x the amount I do. We view it as that's just how her job pays vs mine. Duties at home are pretty equal, we split the household/yard work. I manage finances, I cook dinners, but my wife manages things with the kids (dr appointments, daycare, education milestones, birthday parties, etc). Most things we do, we discuss and approve with each other, even if its a $25 purchase.

She has the pussy, of course its not equal.

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Lifeguard: "Do you need help?" Me: "No, that's just my butterfly."

I'd say well balanced, not equal. I earn quite a bit more, but in a fairly stressful line of work (it's my own business) that I will likely need to step back from at some point well before retirement age. She on the other hand has a job that gives her a lot of satisfaction with excellent pension plan and excellent job security that she may well stay in until she retires.

Finances aside, the balanced but not equal theme continues. Child care is about 60-40 to her, and cooking may be as high as 70-30 to her, but I do close to 100% of the gardening and anything practical, do more than half of the shopping, and I do a lot of the long term planning. We have a cleaner which I think may be the best investment we ever made as neither of us likes cleaning. I'd happily do a greater share of both child care and cooking, and will do when I'm working less.

Between you and your significant other, are you on equal grounds in your overall relationship?

Not by a long shot....she puts up with me so that makes her my superior in every possible way. There are days I can't even put up with myself.

More seriously I never looked at it from the perspective of "Are we equal". We both bring different things to the table and tend to bring more or less in different areas. in many areas the concept of "More or less" seems to fail as a tool of measurement which one has to have to end up "Equal". How does one define the amount or value of having someone support you or simply be there for you when you're in the shitter? How does one quantify love given to your child? These are not quantifiable items that will ever lend it's weight on scale of "Equal".

~Matt

This

Plus she brought up the kids mostly single handedly (I was always working), does all the cooking , cleaning, etc while I waste time on ST while making out Im doing paperwork :-)