A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
has some similarities to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not playedoutside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

These are both hoaxes. Go to www.snopes.com and look up John Cleese.

Are they really!!!



Had me extremely worried that gas was going to 6 bucks!!!

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Deceptively slow.

It's a hoax that credits John Cleese with writing these things. They are obviously satire. Glad to clear that up for you.

Absolutely hilarious. I particularly like:

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.


Add " so not..." and "kinda" to the list of phrases used indiscriminately to compensate for a stunted vocabulary.

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"How bad can it be?" - SimpleS

The rugby and roundabout bits are hilarious. I'm trying to imagine Americans doing roundabouts....

-Robert

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"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." ~Anne Frank

Do you mean traffic circles?

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Deceptively slow.

Yes, but in England they are ubiquitous and can often be quite challenging in terms of selecting the appropriate lane for exiting. Add to that the interesting and provincial habit of the English to mark their roads a few hundred meters after you've turned (or guessed) and you can have more excitement than having Bush at a spelling bee.

But, I was referring to the English politeness, which might be found in Charleston, S.C. but is noticeably absent in Orlando. Roundabouts require patience and understanding when a 70 year old is trying to decide whether the road to The Village of Rusper is via Dorking or the M23 and it's 5 p.m and he won't know for sure until he's made the turn. :)

-Robert

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"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." ~Anne Frank

What is this Magic Roundabout I have seen on the internet, I think it was in Swindon.

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Deceptively slow.

The english round-abouts have got nothing on the 'traffic cirlces of death' that are found in many places in the middle east - especially in those states/countries where both men and women have been granted the right to drive. This is quite vexing as these drivers usually have not had to undertake formal drivers training or even a drivers test before being granted a license to drive on public roads.

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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That was a children's tv series written by Emma Thompson's father. I just saw Emma, by the way, in "Nanny McPhee" which was hilarious and cute. I don't recall where the Magic Roundabout was located as I've never actually seen the series.

Oh, but, wait, you mean this roundabout? http://www.swindonweb.com/life/lifemagi0.htm

That would be sure death in America. I'm surprised even the English managed it. :)

I'm American, btw. Just on my nth visit to the Sceptered Isle.

-Robert

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"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." ~Anne Frank

You mean, like Cairo? :)

-Robert

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"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." ~Anne Frank

The persons responsible for these articles have been sacked.

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International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

THAT's funny!

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-- Every morning brings opportunity;
Each evening offers judgement. --