Bush says bin Laden likely dead; A stunned John Kerry replies: "Oh, fuck. Really?"

By Anne D. Kaufmann
THE WASHINGTON TIMES

Citing newly declassified intelligence documents, President Bush told reporters today that al-Qaeda leader Usama bin Laden is "very likely dead," and that Senator John Kerry "needs to stop his yammering about our so-called failure in Tora Bora, because such talk demoralizes the troops and, quite frankly, makes the Senator look like he's got that big head of his stuffed squarely up his pooper."

In what Washington insiders are calling a major October coup for the Bush administration, the release of the documents -- some dating as far back as December of 2001 -- has clearly shaken many in the Kerry campaign, who fear that any attempt to question the timing of the President's announcement will be perceived by the public as disappointment over the death of the world's most notorious terrorist.

Some in the Senator's campaign, however, are having trouble containing their outrage. Campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson, for one, called the report "a dirty-ass bush league trick of epic fucking proportions," while Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill told Fox News' Linda Vester that "your beloved Hitler chimp has clearly been sitting on this for quite some time. In fact, the Biblethumping Enronhumper is choosing now to spring this shit on us -- with only a week to go before the election -- because that's precisely the kind of thing a half-retarded simian petrolpimp does."

Stumping in Ohio on Monday, Senator Kerry greeted the news of bin Laden's likely death with skepticism. "Having fought for my country as a young man in Vietnam," Kerry told reporters, "I can tell you from having been in the shit that battlefield deaths are quite difficult to verify." Asked whether he thought the President would release such information without at least some degree of confidence in the intelligence, the Senator tried to change the subject: "The question is not whether this President believes the reports to be true. The question is, where was Mr. Bush during those missing months in 1972 when he was supposed to be flying jets in Alabama. Because I'll tell you where John Kerry was. John Kerry was killing gooks with his bare hands in the jungles of Indochina." Navy records indicate that Kerry was stateside banging hippies in 1972.

In New Mexico, meanwhile, Democratic Vice-presidential candidate John Edwards reacted to the news by telling a subdued New Mexico State crowd that "should reports of bin Laden's death prove true, this is indeed a great day for the United States and its many allies in our misguided unilateral War on Terror. But let's be clear: the death of Usama bin Laden does not make Dick Cheney's daughter Mary any less of a lesbian. And though the Cheneys clearly love their gay lesbian dyke daughter, God, being a good Christian, most certainly does not. God loves straight people. And bunnies."

For its part, the Bush campaign is downplaying the significance of the timing of the report's release. Notes Bush campaign spokesman Steve Schmidt, "The President shared the news with the American people as soon as the information was de-classified by the intelligence community. That some in the Kerry campaign are trying to demonize President Bush for a major victory in the War on Terror speaks volumes about their priorities. Which, if recent history is any indication, includes the power to turn the Oval Office into a room for the Bangkok yanky spanky."

In a related development, a spokesman for former President Bill Clinton (who had been scheduled to begin campaigning for Senator Kerry in the final days leading up to the November 2 election) said in a statement released this afternoon that "continued poor health has forced Mr. Clinton to cancel his plans to lend public support to the Kerry campaign this coming week. However, Mr. Clinton will certainly be rooting for the Senator and wishes the American people to know that a vote for John Kerry is 'not necessarily -- in the strictest sense of the word -- a vote against strong military leadership.'" Expected to fill in for the ailing Bill Clinton is the team of Al Gore and Tommy Smothers.

•protein wisdom contributed to this report while watching football and sniffing model plane glue. Not a word of it is true. Which means CBS is free to run with it should they so choose.

http://www.celluloid-wisdom.com/pw/washtimes.html

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