I write this reluctantly. I had skipped over the post topic for 2 days because I didn't want to see what might be in it. I don't share this information with, well, anyone. Maybe a handful of people throughout my life know. The blow by blow of the backstory is irrelevant. I am not going to pick at that scab. But Alan stated something that resonates to this day within me so I want to explain something from the other side of adoption. I was an orphan. I lived in an orphanage. Yeah, they don't call them that today, but that is what they are. A place where they place kids whose parents don't want them anymore or can't take care of them any longer. Mine was a combination of both.

I survived. Somehow, I survived my childhood. I am a credentialed professional. Fairly wealthy. Live in a home worth 7 figures with a picturesque view of a lake. 40+ year stable marriage. My children have advanced education degrees and are doing well in life. But what you see is not the full story. I was an orphan and 60 years later, it still haunts me and creates those issues. Primarily, feelings of abandonment, of unworthiness of love. I still fight those internal battles. Not as often. Not daily. Not weekly. But not infrequently. For instance, I happened to watch the movie Steve Jobs. There is a moment where he is talking to John Sculley about being adopted and returned at 1 month old. He asks "what could a one year old do that was so bad that they returned me to the agency". That probably meant little to most viewers. To me, it sent me right back into the abandonment abyss. How can something so long ago still impact me so hard today?

You can't make the impact go away. So very many attributes of my personality, my attitude of what I will accept and what I won't can be traced back to that time period. I cannot imagine a child having been adopted NOT having behavior and developmental issues. There is a hole in them. One that can't be filled, only barricaded off and caution lights erected around so that you don't fall back into it. Oh, and a safety rope so you can climb out when you do fall back in.

Oddly, 2 of my best friends, long, long time friends, have a shared experience. One was adopted as an infant. The other was placed in an orphanage because his parents were too poor to feed him. Both have survived and are successful by all outward appearances. Both struggle, as I do, with the black hole of abandonment.

So be smart. Understand you can't gloss over this for the child you are adopting. I highly recommend psychological counseling for the child, especially when they get older. One of the best coping mechanisms my psychologists told me was to separate my life into 2 stages. The first being the stage where I did not have control (childhood and youth) and the 2nd being the stage where I did/do have control (adulthood). That I am not responsible for the decisions made and actions taken in the first, but I am for the 2nd. I use this thought to climb out of that black hole when somehow I fall back into it, like an unexpected moment in a movie that triggers it.