The boy (4) and I were making eggs a few weeks ago. He asks “can I crack the eggs?” “sure” i tell him and away he goes. He cracks the first one great, second one he cracked the hell out of it, and I told him as much “wow, you cracked the hell outta that”.
So monday, we’re making eggs again. Again he asks “can I crack the eggs?” “go for it” i respond. A moment later i hand him a towel and tell him “good job” he said “I cracked the hell out of it.”
Good stuff.
That is great! Thanks for sharing.
Kids are great. And I am sure the teachers at school thank you for teaching him that phrase. 
Good one. I don’t remember the fellow ST’er’s name who posted about his 4 y/o son telling him “Pretty much everyday, in the morning my penis is pointing me in the direction that I need to go”. LOL, that’s gold!
And I am sure the teachers at school thank you for teaching him that phrase
I’m sure the catholic school teachers at his school really appreciate it. I’m an old sailor, what can I say things slip, every once and while i still drink, pillage, plunder…
hahahahaha…even better. 
I go t this two weeks ago…talking to my 5yo daughter, she wanted me to promise to do something, so I said, “cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye”. She looked at me and blurted out, “are you nuts???”
My 2 yo daughter and I went to parent/tot gymnastics every Saturday AM. On the way home, if she had been a good girl, we would sometimes stop and get a munchkin for her from Dunkin Donuts. (as an aside, you should see the looks you get when you walk in and say “I would like one chocolate munchkin, please.”)
She gets really excited about this. A big choice is what flavor munchkin to get. You can imagine the disappointment she had when we walked in one day and they were completely out of munchkins. Thinking quickly, I ordered a chocolate stick, and broke off a munchkin-size piece, which was an acceptable solution. Problem solved.
A few days later I get a call at work from my wife. Apparently, my daughter had been playing “Bakery”. Keep in mind that for a 2 year old, S’s are pretty hard to say, and often are replaced with D’s. The following conversation took place:
Maddie: “Mommy, would you like to buy a munchkin?”
Mommy: “Sure! That would be great!”
Maddie: “Oh no! We are all out…How about a chocolate dick?”
A close runner up was last weekend finding both my kids (now 4 and 1.5) hard at work putting a “patch” on the tire of my bike on the trainer. These particular patches had come out of Daddy’s nightstand drawer and were lubricated…
I was talking to my step-son(almost 5) and he said that mom was making some pancakes, but he wanted frosting on them. When I asked why he would put frosting on pancakes, he said “So I can lick the frosting off and not eat the pancake!”
I about died from that one.
A co-worker was at a Cracker Barrel restaurant with his 4 y/o. the kid noticed that the waitress didn’t give him a fork. He also noticed that she gave a kid at the next table a sucker for finishing his meal. My friend’s 4 y/o wanted to let the waitress know that he wanted a fork and a sucker. He stood up on his chair, pointed at the waitress and yelled what sounded like “I want a fuck her”
So I was getting the kid, 4, ready for bead one night. He was standing in front of the toilet going to the bathroom. As 4 year olds are sometimes prone to do he had both hands on either side of his unit pushing on one side and then the other to pee in different directions. The next move was doing the same but alternating fingers from top to bottom to see what affect that had on trajectory.
He suddenly notices that his finger, moving one at a time represented that of a piano player.
Still urinating he looks over at me with that (Oh my god you’re not gonna believe this) look and exclaims “Look dad a PEEEE-ano”. Of course I nearly fell down I was laughing so hard, he nearly pees all over the place and then, still peeing “That was awesome!”
~Matt
TTBooooda’s “What Kids Write” reminded me of this thread and a recent “What kids say” at our house.
Hopefully it’s not too offensive to some and they can possibly see it from the eyes of a 4 almost 5 year old that does not have regular exposure to things of a religious nature.
So my wife was putting my kid to bed a couple of nights ago. He’s an “Avatar” fan, a cartoon about a kid that can control “The elements”. Those elements are Air, Water, Earth and Fire.
Kid says “Mom wouldn’t it be cool if I could walk on Air”.
Mom says “That would be neat”
He responds “Wouldn’t it be neat if I could walk on Water”
Mom says “Well Jesus could walk on water. He could also turn water into wine and could turn a few loaves of bread and fish into a bunch of loaves of bread and a bunch if fish”
(Short pause)
My kid, with wide eyes responds “What the HECK is up with Jesus! He scares the brains out of me!”
~Matt
You might want to ask him to wash his hands before you take him to his first piano lesson.
I love this thread. When my nephew was first learning to dress himself, he came out of his room with his shirt not only inside out but upside down. It looked so funny that I started to laugh. He gave me an evil look and told me to stop laughing. I told him that I was laughing with him, not at him. He replies “But I’m not laughing!!!”
Oh I got another one…my wife would kill me if she new I posted it though.
A while back my wife was giving the kid a bath. She farted. It stunk.
The kid started complaining about the smell so the wife turned on the fan.
The kids asks “Why did you turn on the fan”
Wife says “It will make it smell better”
The kid responds “It will make it smell better when you leave”
I was crying when she told me that one.
~Matt
lol, now that’s an oxymoron: A better smelling fart.
My son (4 damn near 5) is getting ready for bed. I tell to go brush his teeth, and he doesn’t listen. I ask again, and again he doesn’t listen. I go for the hat trick of requests and get up walking toward him.
For what ever odd reason i stumble on my words saying:
“look you need to listen…” still walking closer, he gets up for the sprint to the bath room
I continue “I do not like it” stumbling on what ever clear thought was in my head.
As he sprints away to the bath room he hollers back “Sam I am!”
You want to be mad, you can’t be mad, in a half second flat i go from angry to smiling and laughing. Little bugger…
I was visiting my sister and her friends were there with their 2 kids who are 4 and 2. It was 9am and I was drinking coffee when the 4 year old says “are you drinking beer?” and i replied “ofcourse its after 9am”.
he ran around the house all weekend yelling “its 9 o’clock its time for beer! its 9 o’clock its time for beer!”
My 6 year old daughter was having a friend sleep over. They were supposed to be in bed but were screwing around. I was in the next room. I hear a crash followed by silence then the friend says, “is your dad going to get mad at us?” My daughter replies, “no, he won’t be mad, he’ll just come in here and tell us to get our ass back in bed.”
I’m not sure how she missed the fact that I really was mad the time I lost it and told her to get her ass back in bed but I’m glad my tirade apparently had no impression on her.
Last weekend I was in the basement, which is also where my 13 yo stepsons bedroom is, working on my bike and needing a knife or scissors. I open his nightstand looking for something to cut a zip tie with and lo and behold find his porn stash.
Of course I call my wife down and point it out to her, she goes up stairs and yells hey son, why do you have porn in your nightstand, your stepdad wants to talk to you. We talk briefly about where he got them, and then I say it’s one thing to have the magazines but I noticed that one was a Playboy from about 10 years ago and you must have taken it from my stash in my room (that I have hidden from the wife ;). I tell him I’m more upset that he went through my room and he knows better and so on.
By now my 3yo daughter is downstairs to hear the end of the conversation. The stepson says ‘he was just borrowing my magazine and when he was done “using it” he’d return it’. I say no thanks, keep it, cause I really don’t think I need it back.
But now the 3yo is involved and she says ‘don’t worry daddy, when someone borrows something they will give it back and when he’s done using it you can have your magazine back’. I’m trying not to laugh, the stepson is redfaced and embarrassed and so on. We go upstairs and for the next hour my little girl keeps telling me I will get my magazine back and he’s just borrowing it and not to be mad. She also explains this to my wife, that when he’s done with the magazine and doesn’t need to use it anymore daddy will get it back and so on. For the rest of the night that’s all that was on her mind and she must have told me not to worry and her big brother to make sure and give me my magazine back when he was done using it over and over again!