“dude, all the pages are stuck together!”
“i said i’d give it back, don’t complain”.
We were on vacation a couple weeks back and decided to go for ice cream.
It was toward the end of the day and the kid was pretty tired. He was half eating and mostly playing with the ice cream and it was certainly going to end up on the floor as it was half off and half on the table". So my wife say “Please push your ice cream back onto the table and quite playing with it”. No response, blank stare. Again “Please quite playing with your ice cream”. Again no response or even reaction. A third time a little more forceful and a bit irritated “Please push your ice cream onto the table, Sit up, and quite playing around”. Long pause…, calmly coolly, not even any acknowledgment that my wife existed, still staring blankly forward he responds “Nobodies home”.
Nothing we could do except crack up. My wife, me and my daughter are literally rolling with tears in our eyes. He was so tired it took him a couple minutes to even realize what we were laughing at.
Now of course everything is “Nobodies home”
~Matt
Warning-not appropriate for work!
Good one. I don’t remember the fellow ST’er’s name who posted about his 4 y/o son telling him “Pretty much everyday, in the morning my penis is pointing me in the direction that I need to go”. LOL, that’s gold!
Yep, that is mine. He is turning 16 next week!
Bernie
One morning my 3 year old son tell’s me he has a stick in his pant’s. I say what ? So he pulls his pants down, no prompting, faster then a Kenyan on a mile track. Well theres his little thingie standing straight up. I tell him nice now pull up your pants and go the the bathroom. He leaves to go the bathroom and I am rolling. I got a million of them with that little guy. Now he’s stuck on the words Hot and Sexy. Its not from me?
My 2 yo daughter and I went to parent/tot gymnastics every Saturday AM.
Gymnastics, huh? You’ll have to show me some tumbling and cartwheels in June.
btw - chocolate glazed munchkins were always my reward for doing well in swim lessons when I was little.
I have a handful:
My then 3 year old ran in her first 1 mile fun run. All along the way I kept asking her if she wanted to walk, take a rest (stop) or even be carried and each and every time she kept saying, “No Mom, I want to Run…I’m not giving up”. She ran the entire 1 mile in 14something minutes. Daughter (3 years old at the time) was sitting on the bathroom counter top as I was trying to brush her hair. She was wiggling all over the place and it got irritating in which I say, “Tylar Genelle, quit frigg’n moving” and her reply was…“Mommy you’re frigg’n pulling my hair and bugging me”. I was buckling our youngest daughter in her car seat and I accidently bent her arm and she started to cry. My oldest says, “Andi, it’s ok when I was a baby Mommy would pinch me too”. Christmas this year: Oldest is opening her Christmas stocking and says “Look at all of these wonderful things to be thankful for”. February this year (days after her great grandma passed away): Oldest is drawing a picture. Stops, looks at me and says, “Mommy, when Great Grandma gets back from Heaven I want to give this to her.” Baby (at 1 1/2 years old) drops her NUK (she called it her “cookie”) at the grocery store. Looks down and says “Oh Man”
I’m the one that writes all this stuff down (hence my list) because it’s stuff I know i’ll forget. “The things kids say” would definitely go on my list of the simple pleasures in life for sure.
My speciality was the trampoline into the pit full of foam blocks…that was about the extent of it. The instructor was amazed at how inflexible I was during calisthenics…“Ok everybody legs straight and touch the floor…(glances over at me)…um…if you can’t reach the floor, just try to touch your knees.”
As a follow up, she still has some issues with replacing her "S"s with "D"s. We burned brush a couple of weekends ago, and Maddie got all excited and this conversation ensued:
Maddie: “Daddy! When we are done burning, we can get long dicks and put marshmallows on them and hold them over the fire!”
Me: “Trust me, that is NOT a good idea.”
Mom: “Don’t listen to Daddy, he’s Irish, he wouldn’t know.”
Bernie, That was one of the funniest things I’ve heard of a kid saying. In a sense, there’s some logic to his statement.
When my oldest daughter was around 7 or 8, she drops this line on me:
“Dad, I don’t believe in any of that stuff like Santa, the Easter Bunny and Jesus.”
Umm… Where’s your mom? I’m pretty sure lines like that are “parent tests” and I’m pretty sure I failed. The blank look and silence I gave her while she walked away felt pretty bad. It makes me feel better that I’m still working on the answer. (She’s 15 now.)
Brad
All 3 of the following happened in one week in December last year…
- my 5 year old daughter on December 5th asked “What do I have to do in order to get St. Nicholas to come in my shoe.”
- I asked my 7 year old daughter why her classmate Paul was always the only boy at her friends’ birthday parties and she said that everyone invites Paul and she will to because “everyone wants to do Paul.”
- When my twins (now 7) were born a friend gave them some special little dolls (one boy and one girl just like the twins) as a gift. I hadn’t seen either doll for years. Then one night my son has his on the pillow next to him when I went in to say good night. I didn’t think much of it. The next day the kids are talking and he mentions the name Tony. I asked who Tony was and he said, “the little man I slept with last night.”
What do I have to do in order to get St. Nicholas to come in my shoe."
“everyone wants to do Paul.”
Ha ha, “come in my shoe”…that’s gold!
Good one. I don’t remember the fellow ST’er’s name who posted about his 4 y/o son telling him “Pretty much everyday, in the morning my penis is pointing me in the direction that I need to go”. LOL, that’s gold!
Yep, that is mine. He is turning 16 next week!
Bernie
There are more times than I care to admit that my penis has pointed me in the direction that I “needed” to go. I guess somethings never change whether you are 4 or 40.
The kid responds “It will make it smell better when you leave”
Hilarious.
Our 2 year old was in the tub.
My wife poured water over his head and it started dripping off of his nose.
“Whoa! I’m peeing out of my NOSE!”
In a crowded Blockbuster Movies - direct kids, then 5 and 3 to the “kids movies” sections to pick out a movie for movie night. 5 year old wants to look for more movies, mention that those movies are not for kids, just adults and to stick to the kids’ aisle. As she and her brother are looking at the selection, I walk five feet over to the new releases. For some reason 5 year old, in her loudest possible voice says- “Dad! Are you and mom going to watch adult movies again tonight?” Got lots of laughter from the other customers.
My then 3 year old boy got his second set of stitches. As we sit on the couch the next day, he asks me if I ever got stitches. I tell him the story of when I got stitches on the top of my head. I sit down on the ground and show him where - his somewhat worried response, after looking at my growing bald spot - “And because of the stitches, your hair never grew there again?”
My superhero obsessed son, now 4, looks at me and says, “Dad, if you lose any more hair, you will look like Lex Luthor!!” That was delivered as a very high compliment.
My two older sons, about 10 and 6 at the time, were on a swim team one summer. They had been practicing in their baggies, but for their first meet I bought them both Speedos. When we got to the pool, the younger one didn’t want to come out of the locker room because he was embarrased of the Speedos. I convinced him they would make him swim a lot faster and win more races, so he finally came out, albeit reluctantly. With a pouty look on his face, he walked over to his swim coach who asked him, “What’s wrong, Andy?” He replies, “I look like a dork!”
I don’t remember seeing those quotes in the your Christmas card. 
My son comes in the house today with some new toys and proudly proclaims “I got these for getting poked in the but!”.
We’ve been trying to get him to take his insulin shots in different areas and thus have been offering bribes…apparently his mother got him to take one in the toosh and thus earned some toys.
Hopefully he won’t be running around school next week claiming he got toys for getting poked in the but, could be a problem.
~Matt
Haha ill write a defense letter for your child protection case.
Reminds me of my story:
Teacher: Mr. S, your son used his middle finger at another student and said F you as well.
Mr. S: What, your kidding, that is just terrible. I will have to talk with about that.
Teacher: Yes, that will help. We dont tolerate that at school.
Mr. S: Well, we dont teach that stuff at home. We have a fucking cuss free zone at our fucking house. You teachers need to get this fucking school in order. I am tired of my child fucking learing about all those damn cuss words and shitty gestures. You need to get a fucking handle on that shit.
Teacher: ummmmm,huuuuuhhhh,duh!