My stepson (9) is the pickiest eater I’ve ever known. Subsists on chicken nuggets, goldfish and nutella sandwiches. Deviations from that are few and meals are almost always catered to his appetite. I tend to be a hard ass of the “eat this or go hungry” variety but obviously mom doesn’t always follow suit. He will go to bed hungry and either wake up at night and snack or wake up absolutely miserable and tank his productivity at school. Eating is emotional for him and he is unusually emotional for his age. Sweet kid, industrious, literally no other complaints about his demeanor or behavior whatsoever. He’s a gem on the whole. My wife says this is his one significant obstacle and we shouldn’t go too hard on him because he does so well in every other aspect. I get that and I try to accommodate, but when he asked me for food and I buy him exactly what he wants, then he doesn’t eat it, because it doesn’t taste like he wants it to taste, throws it out then sneaks into the nutella when we get home, I have a hard time letting it slide. A hot dog is a freaking hot dog. Pizza is pizza. Eating only preferred types of hotdogs or preferred makers of pizza is a bit over the top. It’s not like he’s being asked to eat escargot or shrimp, scampi or sushi. It’s every day foods that he turns his nose up at routinely, literally every meal.
I’ve reached the point where I’ve told my wife when she’s home she can feed him however he wants, and when I’m home, I’m only making what I make, and I make it with him inconsideration, but I’m not making him special meals or allowing him to snack if he doesn’t eat it.
It’s not a huge problem, but it’s problem enough that it causes some resentment and makes me not want to buy him food when we go out.
I’m a Gen X kid. The idea of getting to choose what we want to eat at every meal doesn’t register with me. It would never have occurred to me at his age. And yes, I know this is a problem he himself did not create. He’s just reacting to impulses and conditioning.
I think kids need well established boundaries and expectations. I just don’t know where to set them with someone who reacts so emotionally to food that displeases him.
A major consideration in this is that he craves snacky sugary foods constantly. If I had to guess, at least 80% of his calories come from sugar in one form or another. He’s also highly ADHD, emphasis on the H. I know these things do not go well together.
What you put in your mouth is very personal, and I like to think that my kids have complete power over what they choose to put in their mouths.
I have complete power over what I offer them. I have a picky eater, so I offer a variety of healthy options, including ones I know he will eat. So, I offer veggie trays with hummus and cheese and fruits. Healthy meat, dairy, etc.
I’m not going to force my kid to eat something he doesn’t want to eat. I draw the line at that, and this was difference in philosophy with my ex.
Kids grow up and change their preferences. My endurance is pretty strong, so I’m willing to wait for my kid to finally like the food I like. His palate will change. I notice he eats meatballs in spaghetti sauce now, whereas he couldn’t eat them together before. It’s a good development.
To complicate the matter, his stepmother, whom he sees every other weekend, rides all of them hard about their diets and criticizes them constantly. I’ve heard some of the things she says, and it is criticism, and not in a constructive way, she restricts the food access for them when they’re there and they come home starving every Sunday evening. So my wife is very hesitant to withhold the emotional food solace of chicken nuggets and chips when he walks in the door Sunday evening starving and in full in meltdown mode.
Don’t worry about what the other adults are doing, Sphere. These kids know that there are different rules for different places. Be kind and offer a variety of healthy food when the kid is with you.
I’ve invited my picky eater to go food shopping with me. It helps when he chooses the type of protein or yogurt or fruit or veggies. I think power is involved in this issue, and so empowering the kid to make good choices is a good approach.
My picky eater learned how to make ham & cheese omelettes. He loves them! He loves bagel and egg sandwiches. He likes a few veggies, too, so we’re eating a lot of these things these days. lol
My wife has said essentially the same thing, he has so little control over things in his life and likely projects that anxiety to his meals. I mean, I get it, my question is at what point do you just insist? I have a hard time with the idea that he either eats chicken nuggets or goes to bed, hungry and then wakes up and eat scoops of Nutella from the jar in the middle of the night. Pure garbage.
Has he shown any interest in cooking or learning to cook? My son is also picky, but not to that degree, and we were able to make good improvement with his variety by getting him involved in the cooking maybe a year or 2 earlier than your son. Grandparents also got the kids a subscription to a kids cooking service called Radish Kids. Once a month they would get a box with a containing recipes(appetizer, main, and dessert) along with one or 2 kid utensils. So they were both able to build a book of recipes and had a ton of utensils for their own cooking. We still pull from the book constantly when meal planning.
You would be amazed at how the stir fry we made that was hardly eaten was all of a sudden the best thing ever once my son made it.
As B&P alluded to, take him shopping. First tell him that you care about him and would like to see him eat healthier so that his diet doesn’t affect his health. Ask him to look at some foods that he would be willing to try. And hold him to at least trying. If he tries 10 different ones and only picks out 1, then he is still better off than he was before.
With the instability coming from his dad’s side of the family - you will need to decide what he needs more - stability and acceptance or a healthier diet. You may have to choose one.
I understand wanting to give him the option of unhealthy comfort foods, but that’s not a good long-term strategy. Unhealthy foods hurt your body, and it doesn’t make sense to tie emotional happiness to hurting your body. That doesn’t make sense.
There are healthy comfort food, like a homemade chicken noodle soup. That’s a nice bland option. In fact, I think I’ll make that tonight.
Buy the healthy food that he will eat. It’s not going to kill him to have a limited array of healthy options. Cucumbers, carrots, and other similar mild-flavored veggies are a good start. Leafy things seem to be harder for my kids— so try to go for the firm, bland ones.
I also suggest not having food be the focal point of together-time. I know that we’re not supposed to watch tv & eat, but I like eating with my picky eater when we’re not focussing on the food. He & his sister like a teen werewolf show, so I like to eat and watch it with them two or three days a week. It’s a bonding experience for the three of us, and I’m letting them have control. As long as we’re having fun together & eating the healthy food, I’m pretty good with it.
I think this is good advice. Take the kid shopping. We did that with our picky (although doesn’t sound as much as yours) kid and let her pick the healthy and un-healthy foods she wanted to eat. It gave her a sense of control and really defused alot of the tension around this.
Buy the healthy food that he will eat. It’s not going to kill him to have a limited array of healthy options. Cucumbers, carrots, and other similar mild-flavored veggies are a good start.
He won’t eat those.
His typical daily diet is this:
Breakfast: cereal and potato chips, or oatmeal and pretzels. He wakes up super early (5ish) and feeds himself. When he waits for us to make breakfast he’ll eat scrambled eggs on a burrito wrap (partly, sometimes) and sausage
Lunch: PB&J, chips (plural), granola bars (plural), cheese sticks. I always put two fruits in and they don’t get eaten. When I leave out the snacky crap and only include fruits he comes home crying and hungry. He would rather suffer hunger than eat what he doesn’t want. The only other thing he would want for lunch is a nutella sandwich and I refuse to make those. And I won’t send nuggets. He won’t eat lunch meat.
Dinner: chicken tenders, nuggets, bread, dry plain pasta, ketchup. Won’t touch beef, turkey, fish if he knows it’s fish. Won’t eat anything mixed together like a casserole, won’t touch vegetables.
I’m going to take him and his brother grocery shopping tomorrow and let them pick out food they’d like to try. If this is a control issue, it may help give him a sense of agency over the process and not just choosing from the things that show up on the table. That makes sense.
But, totally agree with others, the boy needs to feel some control over his life and diet. But that control excludes eating mostly junk food in essentially every single meal. Because illness, obesity, and diabetes will take far more control from his life than you ever could.
Trust me, I am with you on this. I can only control what happens when I’m home, and I don’t think his mother is on board with restricting access to certain foods given what happens on their alternate weekends. I have suggested several times that we have ‘always accessible’ healthier foods, and foods that we control access to in a separate cabinet that we keep locked. It just doesn’t sit well with her for some reason. I can’t think of any good arguments for letting the kids have free access to junk at all times, especially when they prefer it over other foods and ruins their appetite for dinner and makes it easier for them to reject healthier foods, but I digress.
My brother’s son will only eat meat (chicken, pork, steak), rice, potatoes, and pasta. It friggin kills me every time we have a meal together.
My wife and I have simply cooked whatever we want for dinner and our boys ate it.
I took my older son to a 2 Michelin star restaurant when he was 4.5 years old. He sat there for three hours and ate everything. He is 22 years old now and still talks about a couple of the courses from that evening… a chawanmushi with Dungeness crab and osetra caviar, and a very rare squab with a spoonful of jus and a foie gras torchon.
That sounds like my second born. He’s 11 and eat sushi probably twice a week, has an appetite for everything exotic. It makes for a really enjoyable night out
This was how I grew up. Some things I didn’t love, but I ate it or I didn’t eat until the next meal. I will eat almost anything as an adult, and I see it as a huge credit to my mother for framing food in the proper context of fuel not fun.
Did your kids just naturally develop a broad palette or were there struggles in the early years?
