It’s hard to know what’s really behind this. The control thing makes sense, but then how does that factor in when he asks for a hotdog, then spits it out after one bite because it’s not the right kind of hotdog? He got exactly what he asked for and literally threw it away.
Does the same with pizza and a few other items that aren’t to his liking.
My older two are very adventuresome. They loved seafood as toddlers. I remember a park ranger at Estes Park asked the kids what their favorite cereal was— my 4 year old answered, “cracklin’ oat bran.” lol
I’m sure being the third-born of my 3 kids is a much different experience than being the first-born. He was along for the ride and pushed into things because it’s what all the older and louder people wanted to do. I was very keen on efficiency so he wasn’t given a lot of options to do his own activities or events. I just signed them all up for whatever the older ones wanted to do. Generally, he’s such a nice and easy-going kid. I really took advantage of his good nature. Maybe that wasn’t nice of me. Maybe it creates a desire for control, which is expressed in picky eating.
Sorry if I missed. Is he on ADHD meds? You are describing my youngest regarding appetite and behavior. But for him it is in part medication that affects his appetite. Which is why we begrudgingly allow late night snacking when meds wear off, and why he may gorge when on a med holiday.
Edit: and I do think the oppositional defiance to food is in part tied to anxiety/ADHD.
"“Healthy diet” -
a) food that pays advertiser’s and marketers the most
b) food that one likes or craves
How do you win against this?
The food industry spends billions to promote the above definitions. Doctor and nutritionist often end up encouraging this definition!
I was fairly strict in trying to enforce a high vegetable, whole food type diet.
I ultimately failed.
My kids are now both obese
I think I should have:
I think a child that knows how to cook with real ingredients is likely to eat well
A child that has to choose between home cooked health food and Fabulous Factory Fancy (with a trillion dollar ad campaign) will not make the right chose l.
They need a real stake in the game
He might be a little bit angry, and expressing his anger in this way is a safe way to do it. If he has seen other scary fighting, this kind of conflict is testing the rules for fighting, perhaps. I think I would take it seriously and use my very best conflict resolution skills, even though it seems like a silly subject of a fight. I would respect the process and practice it in this situation.
Both kids just ate everything that was put in front of them. Asparagus, broccoli, Brussel sprouts, peas, seaweed, and all of the stinky cheeses. There was one year when my younger son wouldn’t eat blueberries, but that was it.
Here is a picture of my older son’s 4th birthday at Chez TJ in Mountain View…
And here he is at Cavallino in Maranello for his 22nd birthday two weeks ago…
PBJ is not bad nutritionally. I would not buy Nutella and if he needs a snack outside of meals let him eat PBJ. Take some of the fight out of it so it becomes less emotional.
If he likes scrambled eggs on tortillas - can you make a batch of breakfast burritos and freeze them? He can microwave and eat.
Give him the comfort of knowing he doesn’t have to go hungry- but only a few pretty boring but okay nutritionally options.
And keep offering him new things. He’ll come around.
My mom grew up in various kids homes and with various foster parents. As such, she had a fairly strict upbringing where you ate what you were given and liked it.
She decided that she would never do that to her children.
My brothers were fine, they would eat whatever. Me? I was picky. And she let me be picky.
As a former picky eater, I can assure you that you are doing the child no favours by catering to his pickiness. As an adult it became embarrassing quickly that I wouldn’t eat anything. Da wife forced me to start trying more foods and get over the nonsense. Glad she did.
I will never like vegetables but I eat them. I now have a ton of foods that I like that I never would have tried before because it “looks like it will be bad”.
I hear you on the “a hotdog is a hotdog”. Except, to him it’s not. You don’t have to understand it and accepting it will make life easier. For the outings, I’d feed him first or take food you know he’ll eat. Then let him have that.
My now 12 year old used to be very selective with what he’d eat. I still tend to make meals in pieces, where the kids (and my picky husband) can eat the parts they like and skip the others - but I pick the parts.
I like the idea of taking him shopping. And getting him to try something (which may mean agreeing to have it on his plate and then not touching it). I’ve read that it can take up to 15 exposures of a food before it becomes less strange. I get that you are providing lots of foods, but if the pressure is off to eat them, he might be more inclined to try things.
I’m sure there’s control issues, but it also might be a flavour/texture thing too. Suggest “single foods” at the grocery store.
But mostly, I feel your pain and I’m sorry you are all dealing with the stress of this. You clearly care and that’s a great place to start from.
If the kid likes scrambled eggs on a tortilla, he should learn how to cook scrambled eggs.
That’s where I landed with him years back. Still on that plan
He won eat defrosted reheated anything except nuggets. I would be wasting my time and money.
All of the kids seem to like chocolate pure protein shakes. I let them drink all they can handle.
Like I said, he’s an industrious kid and he likes to make his own egg burritos. We’ve been moving in a better direction with breakfast meals at least.
Dealing with this right now with my daughter (7) though she isn’t as extreme. She likes a variety of foods and thankfully fruits and veggies like broccoli, tomato etc but she will not eat anything prepared as a meal. For instance, she will go to our tomato plants and eat them off the vine, and she loves plain noodles. But if I make a marinara sauce out of the same fucking tomatoes and serve it over spaghetti, she pushes her plate away in disgust. It’s driving me insane as more meals than not are turning in to battles.
I deal with this much like you. Eat what’s served, or, excuse yourself from the table. I hang on to her dinner so if she’s hungry later, she can simply finish that instead of getting hastily prepared snacks.
We are trying a few things to combat this:
If she eats her dinner through the week, Friday night is her night to pick what we make her. Personally I don’t like this idea as it’s rewarding her with junk and teaching her that super unhealthy food is a reward for good behavior. I don’t see it much different than rewarding her with cigarettes, to be honest. This is my wife’s idea.
Part of her complaint is that she has no say in what she eats. We are trying to teach her about healthy food. We have printed out a kid friendly sheet of different food groups so she can have some say in her food. For instance on Sunday when I’m doing meal planning for the family I’ll look at the list with her and ask her what kind of protein she wants, we will look at yhe list and she will pick one and I’ll make a few meals based around that.
Make a plan with your wife. You really need a united front on this, and I’m not sure approaching this from a divided opinion will yield positive results. For instance, when you say “when I’m home I’m making this food and he can deal with it, when you’re home you deal with the kid how you want”. That seems like a perfect opportunity for the kid to play one of you off the other and create tension and confusion. I’d sit down with your wife and address this. You need a rock solid united front. Don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Good luck. This is such a frustrating thing to deal with, and I feel like I have to constantly remind myself this is a long term war and not a night by night battle. Any time I can find a way to make a new food more appealing, I do. Maybe that’s introducing new food items as pizza toppings. I made fresh focaccia bread with olives the other day and the smell and taste of the bread completely short circuited her disdain of olives and now she’s a bit more curious about them and willing to entertain them in a basic salad. Take those wins where you can get them!
I am not an OT myself, but I think they can isolate what are the particular issues he has with non-preferred foods. Could be texture, color, saltiness or a whole host of other things. With that in place they can then work on building tolerance and finding substitutes. If anything there is a factor of having someone else other than parents making suggestions. My kids are somewhat picky, but we did have a great shock when she came home from second grade and announced she ate a whole pile of broccoli just because her teacher said she might like it.
This.
I was just in Kansas City visiting my little dude (10) and we went to the grocery store and I let him pick out most of the stuff. His choices? Apples, blueberries, shrimp (these are his staples). He wanted to try crab legs so we bought one crab leg (thumbs up). He loves sushi too. But he also knows how to microwave mac & cheese or make a sandwich when he’s hungry.
Maybe do breakfast for dinner sometimes?
IMO, I’d prefer my kid to have homemade egg burritos 2x day, or egg burrito in AM and oatmeal for dinner, rather than filling up on premade nuggets or nutella sandwiches for one of the meals.
Reaction seems a little harsh 
Grown ups watching what they eat have ‘cheat days’ or treat themselves to a cocktail after a long week.
Is it ideal? Probably not. Is it on a level of rewarding a child with a cigarette? Probably not.
That makes sense to me. We do something similar with wimsey jr. Sometimes I give him 2 or 3 dinner options - I choose the options so I know they’re healthy-ish, but he gets to pick which one we’re going to have. It gives him some agency in the matter, and frankly it makes me get my act together in terms of grocery shopping, so that I have several healthy options with ingredients on hand and ready to go.
I also time things out of the kitchen to try to enforce some good dietary consumption. If wimsey jr is hungry, he gets the plate of raw veggies and hummus first while the main is ‘cooking’ - which may be actually cooking, or it may be I made the mac & cheese already, but I know he’ll eat less cheesefood-covered starch if he already put a carrot and some cucumber slices down his gullet.
My son was extremely picky when he was 9. He’s now in his mid-20s, and is the most adventurist of eaters. We just accommodated him then and didn’t put up a fight, even though it was so frustrating at time.
My youngest is 16 is is even more picky. And it’s even more frustrating. Fortunately for her, she likes raw ingredients – fruit, veggies, etc., so we stock up on that. Cook or combine them in some way, and she wont’ eat. Surprisingly, her favorite dish is pho. But a pizza that is anything other than pepperoni will throw her. We accommodate as we can, but it’s a challenge.
My son was pretty much like yours. We would want him to try things, but did not force it. He could eat what we made, or make a pb&j. He did not really improve until HS and college when peer pressure and girlfriends encouraged a broader menu.
My nephew is likely experiencing this as a freshman at Clemson. He subsisted on pizza and nuggets for the entirety of his childhood. Could not force him at the barrel of a gun to try new foods. He’s a great kid by every measure, too. Parents are both busy professional and used their $200k kitchen to hold pizza boxes and reheat takeout. It never seemed to stress them one bit, which is interesting given my brother’s upbringing.
