so, i happened to be sneaking around and found out that my girlfriend is lying to me. if i confront her i have to admit that i snooped and i’ll get hell and somehow everything will be my fault. if i don’t confront her i assume she’ll continue to lie and i’ll continue to be paranoid.
she’s not cheating… but, the lie does involve a stripper. so, as you can imagine i’m a little pissed.
i don’t want to lose her but i really don’t want to sit quiet either. any thoughts?
Hmmm, first off, if you’re smart, don’t take my advice. My results in the field of relationships speak for themselves 
Having warned you: There are several foundational issues to a good relationship: True- genuine love, mutual respect, trust, friendship and a dose of passion.
Now, snooping was (IMO) wrong. You got, unfortunately, what you get when you snoop. Had you not found something it is likely you would not have stopped snooping, perhaps you would have continued until you did find something.
This part is not her issue, it is yours. Perhaps what she did is wrong, perhaps not. But one thing for sure, there is only one person who’s behavior you can influence: Yours.
Additonally it kind of indicates the level of trust you guys have. Maybe not so good. Have you asked yourself why you didn’t just say, “Um, was there something going on I might want to know about, or you would want to know about if I did the same thing to you?”
I guess the best thing to do may be to discuss the issue honestly and openly and see what develops from there. Perhaps the key here is to get all the cards on the table- her’s and yours. Try to listen as best you can. that;s hard when you’re upset.
If she is important to you think about her response. Also, think about your response. It’s a difficult situation. I’ve been in similar and was not able to resolve it, and we both tried pretty hard for a while, but probably at different times. Then it just ended badly.
I do wish you luck. Consider how you want your life to look and how you want hers to look. Remember that true love is selfless, trusting and giving- especially when things are rocky.
There are few things in this world I believe in, but I know the power of love is the most powerful force in human nature.
Good luck my friend.
she’s goin to a party. i asked about who will be there. i was told “most likely no strippers” and… if there is, “i will tell you.”
just found out she’s in charge of getting the strippers…
Hmmm, Well, odd as that may seem, she may have done that to protect your feelings. that may have been a misguided effort, but a loving sentiment on her part. That’s MY problem, I always try to look on the bright side.
Anyway, far be it for me to judge, but this sounds (on the surface) pretty minor to me. Ask yourself: Would you have done anything similar in a simialr circumstance? After all my friend, you conducted surveillance/intelligence gathering operations on her conduct. It’s not fair to hold her to a higher moral standard than you yourself are willing to maintain.
Again, maybe she is the better person to ask rather than a no-life bike fitter on a triathlon forum at a helf hour after midnight. Like I said, I haven;t had a girlfriend for seven months, and when I did have one, she was cheating on me. So I’m the wrong guy to be giving you advice…
But I do wish you good fortune with this. Hopefully it is just a speedbump and you guys can resolve it and emerge stronger.
Again, good luck. …talk to the young lady.
well, i have talked to her about it. and, as i stated i was assured that “there would most likely be no strippers”. i realize it may seem minor to you (and others i guess) but i just hate thinking about her lying to me. i realize what i did wasn’t right. i shouldn’t have snooped. but, she lied… flat out… to my face.
i understand what you mean about doing it to protect me. but, i’m a big boy and protecting me is letting me know what’s going on… not, hiding me from it.
i’m sure this would cause a HUGE fight if i brought it up. really don’t want to do that.
your words are wise oh bike-fitting-one. but, i’m still torn…
Hmmm, yeah. I’m sorry too- that is about the extent of my advice too. I’m not too good at this.
You know, if it is true love, it will find a way. I know that sounds incredibly corny, but it is true. Sometimes one person (or both!) have to swallow a lot of pride to make it right, but it is worth it.
This past Saturday I went from 6 P.M. to 9 P.M. the following Sunday without interacting with another person. Now, there are times when solitude is nice, but there are other times when it is like prison. Having a person in your life is the single most important, signifcant contribution to your happiness if it is a healthy relationship. If it isn’t, it can be the worst thing.
My point: It is worth going through some tough times to preserve something real and valuable if you really feel that is what you have.
Then again, I crawled back over and over and got kicked squarely in the teeth, then again in the balls the day after.
So again, if you need bike advice, ask away. Otherwise, I should go feed my cats.
Good luck my friend, I hope it works out for the best.
TOM…just figured out the problem…your feeding cats instead of a big bad dog!!!
Just messin’ with you. Read your posts and you are 100% spot on about love and needing someone - at least in my opinion.
And I’m looking for the same thing. How come my cell phone doesn’t ring more often? 
Tridude - Sounds like your girl is putting on a bachelorette party. Be a man and let her have her fun with the girls. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to tell her you are getting strippers for one of your boys if the situation was reversed. And remember…what happens at a bachelor party, stays at a bachelor party!!!
Love is like fallin down steps… If you do it enough… you are bound to break something!
.
she lied to your face, she will lie to your face again, maybe next time it won’t be about a stripper, maybe it’ll be about what happened with the stripper, or maybe what happened in other situations,…resolve it now or you’ll never move on…the truth always comes out…always…if she is not trustworthy now she’ll never be trustworthy…why waste all your time…unless you enjoy that…follow your instinct and like the other guy said…be a man…without truth and integrity and compassion in a relationship it is gonna die anyway…if you are the jealous type and she is protecting you than you need to get over it and she needs not to protect you…the truth hurts but it is less painful than living a lie…my two cents…
If you really think she might be the one, give her an out. Give her another chance to tell the truth. If she thinks there’s a chance you already know something, she’ll probably tell the truth.
Of course I’m probably as qualified to give advice as is Tom.
cheat on her before she has the chance to cheat on you…
“she lied to your face, she will lie to your face again,”
Absolutely correct. Dump her now and move on. It’s that simple. There’s no trust between either of you.
Are you with her because she is hot?
Are you with her because she is rich?
Or are you with her because you guys are best friends, trust eachother and genuinely want to share your lives together?
If you answered no for the last one, you’re setting yourself up for failure and would be better off finding someone else.
jaretj
Mr. Tibbs has once again proven his wisdom and worth to the board.
There is a strong possibility that your girl was lying because she didn’t have a choice in the matter but knew that you wouldn’t approve and didn’t want you to be hurt. If this is a bachellorette (sic?) party and she is just one of the organizers she may have been voted out on the stripper issue. As a result of being opposed to the idea of a stripper, she may have been selected to get the strippers because she would be the most objective among the group. Again it is worth noting that she quite likely was outvoted on the organizing committee and didn’t have a lot of choice in the matter.
In short - I wouldn’t worry about it. The same way that strippers are harmless in 99% of cases for guys it is the same way with girls. Let her have a bit of fun. It is not the same as cheating and if it is in a party type situation it is even less likely to have a negative outcome. It is not like she is going to the peelers every Thursday after work and it is the onyl way she gets any pleasure.
Do you have a local strip club nearby? Deja Vu is one of the better national chains, and anything Larry Flynt puts together is fantastic. I may be going to my local Flynt’s Hustler club on Friday…
The night she goes and has her stripper party, go to Flynt’s (or equivalent place). Make sure you get at least one private dance, and make sure your sheets smell like stripper perfume (as you will smell like the place after you go if you sit at a table/stage). When she asks about the perfume smell, just say that “I knew you were going to have a wild night with the girls, so I went and had a night of fun myself”. I guaran-f***ing-tee that she will do things on the level from then on out. And if she gets mad, then you know that the relationship will be one-sided and you should get out while the gettin’s good.
I have found that the younger women have a double-standard when it comes to hen nights as opposed to stag nights. Hen nights have gotten a lot more raunchy, as I have never seen the man of the hour toting around a blow-up doll, whereas I see the bride-to-be with a wedding veil and a shirt with condoms all over it, along with a blow-up guy doll or phallic object. Yet some of these young girls get pissed off when their husband-to-be might go to a strip club for their stag night. My wife and I pretty much don’t care, as I can do a strip club and she can go to hen nights and birthday parties that are going to have adult entertainment.
Advice in short: go to a strip club, make sure the evidence is extremely obvious, and have a good time. Dump her if she gets mad. Nurse your beer as it is very expensive at a Gentlemen’s Club. And make sure you tip every time the dancer comes and does a dance for you.
Don’t listen to all this LOVE talk. Hopefully she will come back from the stripper all fired up and you will reap the benefits of his efforts. Than afterwards ask what got into her, that will give her an out.
Don’t do anything drastic until you know her side of the story. It’s not fair to make assumptions about her behavior without her input. As someone else suggested, perhaps she was roped into it (no pun intended!). Maybe she’s trying to find a way out. It’s obviously a touchy subject with you, so she doesn’t want to talk about it until she has to. It sounds to me like you can’t just brush this under the rug and go on. So, I suggest you talk to her about it. Don’t accuse her of anything. Just tell her that you heard that she’s getting strippers and you don’t understand why she would tell you otherwise. If you don’t talk about it, you will never be able to trust her again. You need to get it out in the open, no matter how tough that may be.
Good luck!
Dawn
DawnT brings a balanced perspective to this.
-Still not sure what to tell you though. I do hope it works out for you, what ever that may mean.
Good luck!
First of all, Mr. Tibbs’ and Toms’ advice pretty much covers it, but I’d like to add my perspective.
You obviously have issues. Your girl is invloved in planning some kind of stag party for the girls, and strippers are required. You don’t want her at a party with strippers, and it sounds like you’ve been grilling her on it. So she doesn’t want to tell you there will be strippers because she knows it will set you off(as it clearly has). On the other hand, for whatever reason, there are going to be strippers at the party. This is either because it was requested or because it is expected, and she has been tasked with arranging for them. She doesn’t want to disappoint her friends, so she has to book the strippers.
You have created a fundamental conflict for the girl. She can’t do her job as the hostess for this stag/bachelorette party for her friends AND be the good girl you want her to be at the same time. Have you ever seen 2001: A Space Odyssey? Remember what happened to HAL when he was given conflicting instructions?
Okay. So you’ve been going through her stuff, and you found out about the strippers. Hello?!? Who’s the one with trust issues? How could you possibly expect her to talk to you about this? You’re so insecure about it that you’re going through her stuff! If you know she’s not cheating, why do you care if she sees some strippers this one time?
You need to just let it go, and get over yourself. Women don’t cheat on their men with strippers. They cheat with a guy from work, or school, or church, or if they’re lucky, the pool boy. You put your woman in a position where she was trying to fulfill two mutually incompatible roles, and she had to lie to you in order to do it.
First, find out if the strippers are male–OR FEMALE!
Yeah Baby!
Brett