Hello all, it’s been a rough week and I wanted to reach out to the group to see if anyone has some insight that may help.
Last Friday my daughter called and told us she was diagnosed Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, breast cancer. I’m not handling it well. Has anyone in the group gone through this before, the biggest thing, I will be there for her, but I want to make sure I’m doing the right things and not the wrong ones. Obviously everyone is different, but if you can give me some Do’s and Don’ts, it would be appreciated.
This is tough enough on her and I’m not looking to make anything worse.
I’m sorry to hear the news and the stress on all of you, and most certainly your daughter.
I cannot offer any experience, and you did not mention any other information regarding the diagnosis. But it is the most common form of breast cancer and while the recommended treatments can vary, the survival rates for early detection are extremely high.
As I mentioned, I don’t know any other information and I have not been thought it myself or my wife (though friends and family members have) so I won’t speak to any dos and don’ts.
This is your daughter and you will do the right thing, I’m positive of that. Will be thinking of you all.
Don’t be afraid to ask (really, your daughter should not be afraid to ask) whether this warrants going to one of the leading cancer centers. Perhaps she is already at one. If not, be willing to ask her oncologist and perhaps other trusted advisors. It’s an important decision to make at the outset.
Do follow your daughter’s lead on how much she wants to talk about this. In the early days, it’s probably not an issue. But, cancer can be a long process and some patients don’t want to spend huge amounts of time dwelling on it; they get enough of that already and are eager to find other topics to hold/divert their attention.
i have no direct advice but both my mom (who lived to 92) and my sister have survived and thrived after a breast cancer diagnosis. I hope your daughter experiences her treatment as a temporary challenge.
They have a lot of tools and support you and your family need right now.
Make all the time possible to spend with your daughter. Just be there for her. She will appreciate it. She may not show it or say it, but it will be good for her.
Do just be there for support. Don’t make it a habit to ask how she is doing.
Do be patient. She might get angry and lash out. Let it roll of your back. It is not personal.
Do find a place you can reset. For me, it’s on my bike. You’ll need to find a little time for yourself as you support your daughter.
I’m sorry to hear about the diagnosis. I can’t help more than say I’d tell her “please be honest with me if I say/do anything that makes this harder for you” and I’d ask her “what are the things I can say and do that best support you?”
I’ve had some significant medical challenges and a lot of well-meaning things family would say didn’t help… “it’ll be ok” was one of the worst (they don’t know that as fact!). I have relationships in which I could say “that doesn’t make me feel better and in fact makes me angry” (I also worked, in therapy, to be less reactive to comments like this … people say things bc they are trying to make themselves feel better, in part) and people could say “what can we say that helps?” and my answer was “we’re with you, we’re not going anywhere” bc that was what I needed to hear.
So I’d try to establish that sort of dialogue where she can tell you what does and doesn’t help her specifically.
wish I could help you more. How are you doing 3 days after your initial post?
Hey Dr, thank you. Getting better after a few days. My wife was at my daughter’s apartment over Thanksgiving, so we talked every day.
I appreciate some of the do’s and don’ts, as well. She’s pretty much always been able to tell me what she was thinking and wanted, so I’m hoping none of that changes.
My daughter starts her chemo on Monday. My wife is going out there to try and help her through it. He work has been very supportive and working with her so this doesn’t destroy everything she has been working to buid.
The first chemo treatment went ok. She has gotten a little weaker over the past few days but is in good spirits. She was planning on doing something called cold-capping to help reduce hair loss, but it’s such a chore and uncomfortable inconvenience, I think she is giving that up. Her and my wife are going to look at wigs tomorrow.
As far as me, I’m doing fine and thank you for asking. It all still seems so surreal. I’m staying pretty upbeat because of her attitude. I’m going out for her second chemo session, which happens to be over her birthday. She’s a strong girl which makes it easier for me.