Your worst date ever

The Coffee Shop
21

Not my worst date ever, but the time I was the worst date ever.

Back in the early 90’s while stationed on Okinawa I had gotten involved with a local young lady, but quickly realized I wanted to move on to greener pastures, but she had no intent on moving on. One Saturday night she was in my barracks room (yeah I know, I had to actually invite her aboard the base and into the barracks). After our “festivities” while she was in the head, I quietly called my best friend (pre cell phone days mind you) and told him to gather as many Marines as could find, get dressed in cammies and come bang on my hatch like there is a huge emergency and I have to leave. He went beyond the call of duty and gathered about 12 guys, got geared up and ran around outside the barracks for bit to get all hot and sweaty, then came to my room pounding on the hatch like they were going to break it down. I let them all in while they’re yelling all kinds of crazy shit like “the flightline stripper was on fire” and “we gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go!” Scared the hell out of my guest, she couldn’t get out of my room fast enough. Never heard from her again.

This is why the bond between Marines is unbreakable. Who else would give up their Saturday night of drinking and paying video games all night to help out a brother?

That’s awesome.

22

I had a third date with a woman I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to work out with. She wanted to cook dinner so invited me over to her place. She was making seafood stuff - some ceviche or tuna tartar as a starter, I think linguine with clams for the main.

I arrived, we were chatting, having a drink before dinner, and after a little while I could see her start squirm and look physically uncomfortable. Then mid-sentence she stood up and sprinted to the bathroom. I heard the unmistakable sound of explosive diarrhea, quickly followed by her sobbing, “LEAVE! Don’t touch anything on the table or in the kitchen - JUST GO!!!”

I assume she gave herself food poisoning prepping one of the seafood dishes. Never heard from her again. I figure I dodged two bullets, no food poisoning, and simple, quick exit from a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere.

23

There was a guy I’d met through my older sister and we had hung out a bit. We were going to dinner but I didn’t clue in it was a date as opposed to friends hanging out until he showed up at my place. My first thought was “Why is he wearing white tube socks with dress shoes?” then “Why is he wearing dress shoes?” then “Oh shit!”

On the date he reveals that my sister had shot him down. A woman won’t go out with you so you befriend her little sister. Not creepy at all. He then proceeds to trash talk my sister. I’ve always been bad at conflict and it is one of my deep life regrets that I did not throw my drink in his face and walk out. I did manage to get cold enough for his clueless, I-think-white-tube-socks-with-black-dress-shoes-is-a-good-fashion-choice brain to click in he’d effed up.

24

senior prom :<

Lacking some details about the why
.

25

When I moved from Florida to Oregon and had to break up with my college dream girl. Haven’t dated anyone since

26

I had some that weren’t fun. Girl I met online I ask during the first date what she likes to do for fun and “I knit”. Oh, what else like outdoors stuff or reading or…“no, I knit”. Womp womp womp.

But, the freaking winner is this one…

I was in a VW car group back in the day. Not the cool aircooled stuff, the newer stuff. Introduced to a girl through the group. First time out things go alright. Little light fun at the end, but she told me she has to take medication for seizures. Uhmmmkay. Next time out goes fine, and we do the deed back at my house. Proceeds to have a freaking seizure in my bed after we did the deed, no shit. Like, wtf.

Yeah, I can sympathize with folks that have medical issues…but she didn’t say she had them like all the time, including after playing hide the bishop. Then she just pretended nothing happened. Didn’t get up and take any meds, didn’t say needed any help. Nothing.

Uhmmm, nope. GMTFO of there!

27

senior prom :<

Lacking some details about the why

I wasn’t really into him but wanted to go to the prom. The football captain I wanted to go with of course asked somebody else, so I said yes to chess team. “Broke up” with him shortly after (it was our first and only date). I made the mistake of saying I wanted to be friends. That kept the door wide open.

He wound up stalking me for two years, showed up uninvited to my college (three states away) twice. This was before stalking was a known quantity. I was nice (but no more than pleasant). He eventually drifted off.

I should have said no from the get-go and just stayed home.

28

I had a third date with a woman I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to work out with. She wanted to cook dinner so invited me over to her place. She was making seafood stuff - some ceviche or tuna tartar as a starter, I think linguine with clams for the main.

I arrived, we were chatting, having a drink before dinner, and after a little while I could see her start squirm and look physically uncomfortable. Then mid-sentence she stood up and sprinted to the bathroom. I heard the unmistakable sound of explosive diarrhea, quickly followed by her sobbing, “LEAVE! Don’t touch anything on the table or in the kitchen - JUST GO!!!”

I assume she gave herself food poisoning prepping one of the seafood dishes. Never heard from her again. I figure I dodged two bullets, no food poisoning, and simple, quick exit from a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere.

A friend of mine went travelling to Thailand with a girl he had only known a month. First night there, my buddy got sick and was glued to the toilet, in their small one bedroom beach hut with no fan or anything, for around a week.

They are now married with kids. I guess if you can survive that, you can get through anything.

Not a poop story but kind of similar (not safe for squeamish people):

Once I was casually seeing this petite girl. One night, while doing the deed, she was on top and riding it like an absolute champ. Suddenly, she felt discomfort, we stopped, she stood up, and a disturbingly large amount of blood just poured out of her on to me. She looked completely freaked out of embarrassment and locked herself in the bathroom. I was just concerned about her well being and didn’t care about the embarrassment factor at all, having no idea what just happened. I looked like I had just stabbed someone to death with my junk, or like Christian bale running down the hallway buck naked in American Psycho.

Anyways, the night obviously ended there. I called the next day and she said she was fine, doctor checked her out and I guess she had a minor tear somewhere that just looked way worse then it was, like when you get a small cut that won’t stop bleeding. She refused to see me again though.

29

https://media1.tenor.com/images/a034ec8c87839aa86e1c78a92ec24d15/tenor.gif?itemid=12221379

Alright already… we get it… you’re yuge…

30

https://media1.tenor.com/images/a034ec8c87839aa86e1c78a92ec24d15/tenor.gif?itemid=12221379

Alright already… we get it… you’re yuge…

I had a girl I dated once warn me before we started the deed that she wasn’t “very deep” and that if she winced a bit to keep going because I was just up against the end of the tunnel.

Talk about a way to talk to get a guy into it! Lol, especially given I am not any kind of Dirk Diggler whatsoever.

31

https://media1.tenor.com/images/a034ec8c87839aa86e1c78a92ec24d15/tenor.gif?itemid=12221379

Alright already… we get it… you’re yuge…

Maybe it was more of a pincushion effect.

32

It was the weirdest thing. I usually get along with anyone, and I mean anyone. Even if I find your politics repugnant, so long as you conduct yourself civilly then at least we won’t fight.

But on this date (a blind double date with the couple who thought we’d hit it off) the woman and I were just at each other the entire evening. It wasn’t outright battle, but we just snipped at each other and were snide, and absolutely none of it was sarcastic flirtation. We just could not stop. All evening, back and forth, with the couple we were with just agape at our antics. I’ve never met anyone else with whom I had that reaction (or who had that reaction to me). It was truly bizarre. Needless to say, we never laid eyes on each other again.

There was a date several years before that was odd. She and I knew each other through mutual friends and, when with those mutual friends, we had a flirtatious repartee. So, we went out to lunch one day and… silence. We simply could not hold a conversation. Most of the lunch was spent in awkward silence. So weird.

Then there was the time that a mutual friend insisted that I have lunch with an ex girlfriend who harbored a grudge against me (I’m sure she still does). If that counts as a date then it was a weird one too. (An aside: That woman hated me because I dropped her when I moved to a different city for school. The relationship was waning anyway and I needed to start fresh in the new city so I just cut it off abruptly with no room for misinterpretation (she was a serial misinterpreter). With no exaggeration, two weeks after I moved to said new city, the woman moved to that city too… I didn’t know about this until at least a year later, when someone told me she was there. She eventually admitted to a bit of stalking to the point that she had to duck into a storefront or two to avoid me on the street.)

ETA: Ok, there was that one time when two girls were over at a friend’s house with us. Two girls, two guys… things were looking good. That is, things were looking good until one of them excused herself to the bathroom. After several minutes, she came bolting out, grabbed her friend’s hand, said, “WE’RE LEAVING!” and they ran out together (never to been seen or heard from again). We had no idea why that happened until a little while later, when my friend discovered that the girl had taken a dump in the bidet.

33

I had some that weren’t fun. Girl I met online I ask during the first date what she likes to do for fun and “I knit”. Oh, what else like outdoors stuff or reading or…“no, I knit”. Womp womp womp.

But, the freaking winner is this one…

I was in a VW car group back in the day. Not the cool aircooled stuff, the newer stuff. Introduced to a girl through the group. First time out things go alright. Little light fun at the end, but she told me she has to take medication for seizures. Uhmmmkay. Next time out goes fine, and we do the deed back at my house. Proceeds to have a freaking seizure in my bed after we did the deed, no shit. Like, wtf.

Yeah, I can sympathize with folks that have medical issues…but she didn’t say she had them like all the time, including after playing hide the bishop. Then she just pretended nothing happened. Didn’t get up and take any meds, didn’t say needed any help. Nothing.

Uhmmm, nope. GMTFO of there!

I hope your reaction was due to youthful ignorance.

She was probably used to having them and she did tell you she took medication for it. There’s not a lot of predicting when seizures happen, and the meds are to help control them (ie she probably took a set dose at certain times).

34

Ohhhhh that reminds me of one bad first date: took a girl to dinner and to Blue Man Group. She didn’t tell me that she couldn’t deal with strobe lights and she was in the restroom during the audience warning.

At the end of the show she started vomiting violently as she collapsed to the floor. I had to carry her out. She had me walk her to her car at which point she gave me a bear hug that was borderline crushing, got in her car, and then left. I texted her the next day to see if she was ok, she said “yeah” and then didn’t reply to any further texts.

…oh, and then there was the mid-western blonde haired, blue-eyed school teacher who insisted on going to a Middle-Eastern restaurant. She talked about moving to the Middle East and living under Sharia law (this was when ISIS was on the march mind you). Ordered our food in what the waiter said was perfect Arabic. Didn’t know if I should report her to the DHS or see if it wasn’t part of some elaborate roll-playing fantasy. I went with neither… think I got distracted with work and never called her back.

35

Donnie??? I didn’t know you were on ST.

36

Donnie??? I didn’t know you were on ST.

Donnie? I don’t get the reference.

37

https://media1.tenor.com/images/a034ec8c87839aa86e1c78a92ec24d15/tenor.gif?itemid=12221379

Alright already… we get it… you’re yuge…

I had a girl I dated once warn me before we started the deed that she wasn’t “very deep” and that if she winced a bit to keep going because I was just up against the end of the tunnel.

Talk about a way to talk to get a guy into it! Lol, especially given I am not any kind of Dirk Diggler whatsoever.

That’s because she used to be a dude. The doctor only built her love canal so deep.

38

I’ve never crashed and burned but I remember sitting down to dinner with a girl and before my drink was done I knew it wasn’t going to work out. She didn’t have a fatal flaw, but I didn’t feel any spark and knew we were not going to hit it off. After that I made it a rule that the first date was drinks or coffee.

39

**Harry: **It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.
**Sally: **Oh. See no, it has to go this way. The first day back is always the toughest Harry.
**Harry: **We only had one date. How do you know it’s not going to get worse?
Sally: How much worse can it get than finishing dinner having him reaching over pull a hair out of my head and starts flossing with it at the table?
**Harry: **We’re talking dream dates compared to my horror. It started out fine, she’s a very nice person, and we’re sitting and we’re talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, “Hey I didn’t know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I’ll order two empty plates and we can leave.” (Sally laughed while drinking from a bottle of water) Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile. So I down shift into small talk, and I asked her where she went to school and she said. “Michigan State”, and this reminds me of Helen. All of a sudden I’m in the middle of this mess of an anxiety attack, my heart is beating like a wild man and I start sweating like a pig.
**Sally: **Helen went to Michigan State?
**Harry: **No she went to Northwestern, but they’re both Big-Ten schools. I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant.

40

Ohhhhh that reminds me of one bad first date: took a girl to dinner and to Blue Man Group. She didn’t tell me that she couldn’t deal with strobe lights and she was in the restroom during the audience warning.

At the end of the show she started vomiting violently as she collapsed to the floor. I had to carry her out. She had me walk her to her car at which point she gave me a bear hug that was borderline crushing, got in her car, and then left. I texted her the next day to see if she was ok, she said “yeah” and then didn’t reply to any further texts.

** …oh, and then there was the mid-western blonde haired, blue-eyed school teacher who insisted on going to a Middle-Eastern restaurant. She talked about moving to the Middle East and living under Sharia law (this was when ISIS was on the march mind you). Ordered our food in what the waiter said was perfect Arabic. Didn’t know if I should report her to the DHS or see if it wasn’t part of some elaborate roll-playing fantasy. I went with neither… think I got distracted with work and never called her back. **

One of my wife’s friends (blue eyed blonde as well) met then quickly married a conservative Muslim dude from the ME. He dictated her life, cut her off from her friends and most of her family, essentially making her his prisoner in their own home. I do not understand the appeal of that culture, especially from a western female perspective.