So my wife has given up on the relationship and moving out. I am experiencing all kids of emotions as you would imagine, 3 kids… currently training for ironman louisville, first full; completed 5 1/2’s. question for the forum is meds, experiencing anxiety, cmild panic attacks, probably depressed. Seeing doc this week. Cant gain weight and would prefer no meds. Tri training is providing a good outlet and keeping me sane.
Anyone have advice, been through something similiar? Take meds?
Try it without the meds…you can’t change the world around you just how you react to it.
you should feel sad, but dont let it break you. KEEP Training and keep your head up.
go see a shrink.
a professional to help you through this hard time could be more important than a 2x20 workout on a given evening. i get your first IM is something you’re striving for. but you have 3 kids to look after. you’re a parent first, triathlete 2nd.
just look at it this way. how would it look to your kids (assuming they are not adults), if their mother left you, and you carried on with life as if nothing were the different. just training away. grieve, it’s ok to let them see it. but also show you are strong and want to put their health and well being first.
i’ll be at IMlou. hit me up, i’ll buy you a beer when you cross the finish line, and we’ll celebrate.
I’ve been there man.
Keep training, keep looking after your kids, and keep talking to your friends.
Potentially see a counselor- I did and was some help and some hindrance.
Importantly, whilst we think there’s no one out there to help, the important thing is that there are plenty of people who’ve been there and will be there for you if you reach out.
So my wife has given up on the relationship and moving out. I am experiencing all kids of emotions as you would imagine, 3 kids… currently training for ironman louisville, first full; completed 5 1/2’s. question for the forum is meds, experiencing anxiety, cmild panic attacks, probably depressed. Seeing doc this week. Cant gain weight and would prefer no meds. Tri training is providing a good outlet and keeping me sane.
Anyone have advice, been through something similiar? Take meds?
Do you think your tri training had something to do with her leaving??? Or were there issues before you started triathlons???
Sorry man, that’s a really rough situation. I also went through a divorce while training for my first IM in 2014, although we didn’t have any kids. I had shivers reading your post, because all the things you described were exactly what I went through as well.
Concerning the IM training and race. There was definitely a certain type of satisfaction in being able to smash yourself into the ground while training to try and escape some of the things you’re experiencing and feeling. Don’t get hung up on any time goals and if you miss workouts so be it. IM will be there forever, so don’t make too much of what really is just a race.
To me there’s two ways to look at your situation concerning meds:
#1: You are a dad and your kids need you. Also, your job performance may also be suffering due to your mental distractions. If you’re struggling to keep your sanity (I had that problem) then going the route of meds is a good solution to try and keep yourself level.
#2: Your situation is real. Being exposed to true emotions and the gravity of the situation without meds may be important toward you eventually healing and finding that’s best for you and your family.
I went the route of meds. I was prescribed some anti-anxiety meds to take when needed and also started on some anti-depression medication. The anti-depression meds made it really tough for me to climax in sexual situations and I could definitely tell I was on something and that my emotions to things were dulled. I tried two different anti-depression meds before deciding that I wanted to get off of them. That was also difficult, you have to be very careful to lower the dosage slowly or you will experience withdrawal symptoms.
In my situation it was probably best that I took the meds during that time period but only you can make that decision.
I would suggest getting a counselor to speak with about everything ASAP. We had a marriage counselor but I also got a different individual counselor once the divorce was going to become a reality. That was a big help in making good decisions in a time when the mind is pretty clouded.
Again, sorry for the rough times. Keep your head up and even when it’s hard, and know that things will get better.
I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I had a fiancé leave me and cut off all communication a couple months before our wedding. I was devastated and really depressed for quite a while. I can’t even imagine how much harder it would be to have been married and had kids. I quit tri for a while. Biking was tough as I found it gave me too much time to think/dwell/get angry about things. However running for whatever reason made me feel better so I ran a ton. The one thing I think I should have done to help me through it all was seek counseling. I feel my recovery would’ve been better had I done that. That’d be my recommendation to you.
I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. I haven’t experienced divorce, however, I did watch a friend of mine die in front of me because I couldn’t save him in time. It’s not something that I’ll ever “get over.” But after three years I now know how to deal with it. It was triathlon training that helped me get through. Whenever things got too rough, I would workout hard enough that I couldn’t feel anything.
Find what gets you through and take it one day at a time. It might not get better but it will become easier to deal with. As others have said, if you need to, see someone. I luckily had a grief counselor through work. Since I only knew him from the incident it was easy to put everything on the table and it helped a lot.
I wish you the best. My mind is a little blown at these responses. Kids…your kids. Focus 110% of your energy at your kids. F’ an Ironman…nobody but yourself will care about that.
Edit…adding this: I cannot fathom what you are going through and I wish you the best. I would think exercise will help deal with the situation (versus other bad alternatives)…but your kids need YOU. Mom left…she made that choice. Now is the time to be a hero…and finishing an Ironman will not make you a hero in your kids minds.
you need to talk it out, a lot of people will give you a wide bearth, not because they dont care but just because they just dont know what to say or how to act. if you havent got anyone to talk to go see a counceller, which you should do anyway.
talk to your kids about it, but be as neutral as you can, they need to make their own mind up about it in their ow time and need your support doing this. Ive known of a family where the wife ran off and the eldest kid already knew about the affair but kept it to himself, it pushed the poor lad over the edge and he resorted to suicide.
keeping busy is good, but you do need to be careful not to shut people out, somtimes you need to just take a step back, breath look at the whole situation etc,
Hope that helps.
People on this forum often forget that doing triathlons (particularly demanding IMs) is a self-centered LUXURY – like owning a teak sailboat or a fancy sports car. You have kids. Don’t place your luxury in front of your kids. Consider dropping the tris until you get things straightened out.
Iron man should be the last thing on your mind at this time. Focus on the kids and keeping your self healthy, physically and mentally.
Sorry to hear about your wife, but my advice would be to contact the race organisers and see if you can get a deferral or refund. Triathlon will always be there, but right now your kids need you. Still fit in some exercise for the mood and health benefits, but the last thing you need is to be worrying about gaining a few pounds, trying to fit in a long run or bike, etc. If you’re going through all the emotions you describe as an adult who has probably had a fair idea this was coming for a while, then how do you think your kids feel about having a parent suddenly move out? They’re going to feel some level of abandonment at a minimum, and having you disappear for hours at a time isn’t going to make them feel any more secure.
On the “every cloud has a silver lining” front, you may find that at some point in the future this allows you to train more. Amongst the divorcees I know with kids, they typically find that on the days/weekends when the ex has the kids, they suddenly have more free time to spend on their hobbies than they’ve had in years. But that’s for after you’ve got through the initial separation and settled down into a routine, not for now.
If you have a full time job and 3 kids I can’t see how you cannot possibly train for IM and hold everything together without wife supporting you. As for meds depends how recent things are. It is normal to experience what you are in first few weeks. Heck it is normal to experience them for months. I would go on meds if things (the emotions and sleep) are not improving within 2-3 weeks. I did after months and in retrospect maybe would have been better sooner. My situation related to deaths of a number of important people in my life in short period of time. I find Effexor worked for me. I am family doc and it seems to be the best for my patients. But every patient is individual.
I wish you the best. My mind is a little blown at these responses. Kids…your kids. Focus 110% of your energy at your kids. F’ an Ironman…nobody but yourself will care about that.
Edit…adding this: I cannot fathom what you are going through and I wish you the best. I would think exercise will help deal with the situation (versus other bad alternatives)…but your kids need YOU. Mom left…she made that choice. Now is the time to be a hero…and finishing an Ironman will not make you a hero in your kids minds.
I agree with you to a point. You said nobody will care about the IM but him. That is true. But it is a goal of his and one he has worked at very hard. Not being able to achieve that goal could further his frustration, anxiety, and depression.
Focusing on something else, like training, is a good distraction, but IME delays dealing with the bigger issues. You don’t, and shouldn’t, have to go through this yourself. Talk to someone. Friends, family, and yes, a professional. Pay no mind to the stigma of therapy and give it a go. Think of a therapist as a ‘life coach’ that will help you address and work through the lows and plateaus. Also, most insurers will cover a certain number of sessions.
I wouldn’t be so quick to say there is no way he can train and compete in an IM. Will he be at top physical condition…definitely not. But he may patch together a finish. There is some value in the op doing this by himself, for himself. Plus, it may set a good example for the kids.
Regarding the meds, I would heavily consider them. They aren’t needed but most medications aren’t. They exist to make our lives a little easier. Lexapro is a good choice. Most Dr’s will definitely give you a prescription if you ask. It may add up to 20 pounds of weight (which will come back off afterwards) and many experience 2-3 weeks of minor symptoms as they ween off of it. But it will definitely help smooth everything out during this huge transition.
Friends
Thansk forcthe kind words and advice. I am seeing a counselor, and kids are priority "1. I will sharecsittuation with doctor and take their advice re meds. Would prefer to not go on them, but may be needed.
Triathlon had nothing to do with leaving, however i am finding the trainiing is a good outlet for frustration. It will and has not interfeared with the kids
Helps to hear your comments
1st post on this forum but I really wanted to comment on the OPs post as it hits home with me. I wanted to say I went through a very similar experience last year, mine was dealing with an affair. My wife and I stayed together and are working things out as much as possible. I had the very same symptoms you had described; couldn’t sleep, nightmares, panic attacks, inability to concentrate, and I felt like I had let my kids and everyone in my life down. I still get severe anxiety attacks that I haven’t learned to catch and end up spinning out and really melting down before they subside. I did a counselor for 3 or 4 sessions before I realized I couldn’t afford to go any longer, which sucks because I do think if you can keep going to do so. The best thing I did was to get out of the house and go to run clubs. That helped me immensely just to meet other people and to be able to talk with others about shared interests outside of how shitty my life had become.
Sorry that you’re dealing with this. Be sure to discuss with the doctor that you are training for an IM because certain meds can have more of an effect on your ability to train and your desire to train than others. Good luck.