Why is it OK to point out how skinny someone is

Triathlon Forum
1

…but you never hear someone say “wow, have you put on a ton of weight”?

I know there have been a ton of posts here on what to say to friends, relatives and colleagues if they are harping on someone about being thin or on a special diet or so on. But I wonder why it seems socially ok to point this out instead of the opposite.

Two or more years ago I was almost 200lbs (I’m 5-10). I never had anyone call me fat, or tell me I looked fat or heavy or whatever. Since starting triathlons in 2006 I’ve dropped to mid 160’s, but I still wasn’t super lean or anything. In the last few months I’ve done a big run focus and really worked on my diet. As a result I’m currently ~150 and single digits (barely) body fat. I feel better than I’ve felt in years and feel at 37 I’m as healthy now as I was at 18. Yet everywhere I go I’m constantly getting questioned about my weight, if I’m sick, if I’m too thin, if I need some food etc…People that haven’t seen me in years make comments, family members at thanksgiving dinner make comments, people I only see 1-2 times a year comment and so on.

I look back at my pictures from a few years ago and I can’t imagine being that heavy again. My ‘fat clothes’ were still tight, I looked awful at the beach/pool, my face was ‘puffy’ and so on. Yet never did anyone that hadn’t seen me in years say gee, you need to put down the fork or wow did you fill out! I know that they had to be thinking it, but it was never said outloud.

So I wonder why is it that people feel it is ok to comment on being skinny vs not ok to call someone a fatty? Is it because many of the people making these comments are overweight themselves and are trying to make themselves feel better? Is it because it the average American is overweight? I just am amazed at the ‘quickness’ with which people feel it is ok to comment on my weight (or lack of).

Incidentally, the only person that has told me I look ‘good’ is another multiple IM finisher in my town that I ran into last week!

2

I would think telling someone that they are skinny is given as a compliment (unless they are saying you are anorexic). Therefore, the person saying it to you is trying to make you feel good. In contrast, if they say “wow you are pretty fat”, it is going to be an insult.

Generally, people would much rather give a compliment (“you are skinny”), than create controversy (“you are fat”).

Just my 2 cents.

3

I’m in a very similar predicament, from 20% to 10% bodyfat in ~2 years and get the same response. Take it as a compliment. We had a “health fair” at work which involved, among other things, someone in a lab coat testing body fat %. The response I got when it came back @ 11% indicated that I was by far the lowest he had seen that day. Keep in mind if we train a lot we are not around people who are in the center of the bell curve on health/exercise/weight/body composition.

4

Because we live in a rich society w/abundance and an obesity epidemic.

if you were living in the chinese countryside in the 14th century, the situation would be reversed - being skinny was pretty standard, being hefty was a sign of affluence.

that said, plenty of people these days don’t like to be called skinny. thin, yes, but not skinny.
telling women that their boobs or small or that their butt doesn’t fill out their jeans generally won’t make you any friends.

5

I’ve been getting a lot lately too…

I believe it’s because of 2 reasons (and styles)… one the casual, wow you look great or thin, or fit… more of an actual compliment. These are generally from other fit people that may not see me too often and remember me less so. (I am definitely as fit and closest to weight at 18 as I have ever been).

The second comes from in laws or others that tend to be overweight and comes out very derogatory as in “you’re wasting away” and “stop losing weight you look sick” but they tend to never get off the couch and my reply is “it’s ok to not be fat”

They don’t like that so much.

6

I guess I am looking at it not so much as a compliment. It seems that at thanksgiving dinner when I used to have 2-3 heaping plates and some dessert no one would say anything, but have just one ‘normal’ sized plate and no seconds (or thirds) and it is the topic of conversation, along with your weight.

7

I’ve been getting a lot lately too…

I believe it’s because of 2 reasons (and styles)… one the casual, wow you look great or thin, or fit… more of an actual compliment. These are generally from other fit people that may not see me too often and remember me less so. (I am definitely as fit and closest to weight at 18 as I have ever been).

The second comes from in laws or others that tend to be overweight and comes out very derogatory as in “you’re wasting away” and “stop losing weight you look sick” but they tend to never get off the couch and my reply is “it’s ok to not be fat”

They don’t like that so much.
Those are the ones that I’ve been getting at. Why is it that people feel it is ok to make those comments yet I would never dream of going up to someone and saying “wow are you getting huge” and so on.

I do like your reply though :slight_smile: On a side note a couple of years ago when my wife first found out she was pregnant with our second child we were out to eat and she ordered a huge dessert. I said “you know, just cause you’re gonna get fat doesn’t mean you have to try”. I am still not living that one down years later…

8

I’m hoping to have the “you’re skinny” problem in a year or two. :^)

I think that people are scared of what they are ignorant of. In this case, those who don’t recognize a healthy lifestyle will always criticize. It is always easier to criticize others than look in the mirror.

People (family or ‘friends’) that haven’t seen you in a while might not know why you have lost the weight. Take it as an opportunity to educate them.

However, because I’m a sarcastic bugger, I am most likely to respond to “you’re skinny” with “No, I just look skinny next to your fat ass.”

Sarge

9

To most people:

You’re getting fat = you’re getting ugly or less attractive
You’re getting skinny = you’re getting better looking or more attractive

Just say thank you
.

10

I totally know what you are saying, but the fact that you lost 50 pounds in a 2 year period is quite shocking. Most people are used to seeing you a certain way, and now you are drastically different from their reference point. That obviously doesn’t explain all the comments, but could explain some of it.

I’ve noticed the comments about me being skinny have decreased over the years as everyone now just sees me as “the skinny guy” - opposed to the guy that has lost a lot of weight. In addition to that, I’m a really sarcastic guy, so it only takes a couple of zingers to cease the comments from most.

11

you are on to something there. i have always been skinny, and got comments when i was in k-12. since then, not so much. i think there is a difference between being skinny and losing weight so that you become skinny. when people see you losing the weight, that is when they comment. i imagine people that lose weight get significantly more comments than i do and my race dimensions are 6’2" 148lbs. (watt output is as small as my frame :wink: )

my favorite zinger: “skinny is inny.”

12

Speak for yourself! I do.

13

I was at a New Years party at a friends house. This friend also happens to be my physician. Let me preface this by saying three years ago I was 244 pounds, I am 6’ in height. At that time I had plumped up over the previous 12 months for various reasons that I won’t bore anyone with.

One day, I looked in the mirror and said “This is BS, I can’t do this anymore”. I began to exercise, eat a balanced diet and lost over 40 pounds in about 12 months. I began to ride, swim and run and now enjoy triathlon immensely. My body fat went from 35% to it’s current 14.7%. While I am not thin, I am constantly hearing the same thing from friends and family. “You are wasting away, you are getting to skinny, your face is looking hollow, etc”. I just smile and think, you my fat friend ought to look at yourself in the mirror some time, but obviously never say a word.

This brings me back to my physician. Steve is about 5’-11" and is somewhere around 160 pounds and 6-8% bodyfat. He exercises regularly and is in very good shape. When I got to his house on New Years, he had not seen me for about 6 months. He knew I had gotten into shap because during my last exam six months earlier I had a great checkup. My cholesterol had dropped from 235 to 160 without medication and all other bloodwork was textbook. He told me that I was the poster child for a life changing experience.

As soon as I walked in, Steve ran over to me and commented on good I looked and how my body is continuing to get leaner. He was professionally being honest, concerned, and congratulating me.

The difference here is that I believe most non-athletes have accepted that being 20-50 pounds overweight is norm and acceptable. They have gotten used to seeing people at work, in the mall, at restaurants and in everyday situations carry this weight. It has become the look of the world. Anyone who then deviates from this norm is too thin, sickly, or underweight and not healthy.

Although I will probably never be 165 or 175 pounds, I feel proud and stoked to be in the minority of population and part of a group of fit athletes. I will never be a pro, I am too old for that, but being an age grouper soing something that displays my self confidence, my concern for health and life brings a smile to my face. I realish the relatives and friends who tell me that at 6’ and 200# and 15% BF, I am wasting away.

Go figure.

14

My gf’s grandmother has no sense of social tact when it comes to people and weight.

She will blurt out loud to anyone in any setting “Oh have you put on some WEIIIIIIGHT?!”

or “OH you have gotten skiinnnnyyy”

its hilarious

15

To most people:

You’re getting fat = you’re getting ugly or less attractive
You’re getting skinny = you’re getting better looking or more attractive

Just say thank you
I can’t wait till my 20 year reunion in 2010 :slight_smile:
.

16

Speak for yourself! I do.
I would but I don’t want to get banned from my relatives for a lengthy period of time only to be conditionally invited back later on :wink:

17

I was at a New Years party at a friends house. This friend also happens to be my physician. Let me preface this by saying three years ago I was 244 pounds, I am 6’ in height. At that time I had plumped up over the previous 12 months for various reasons that I won’t bore anyone with.

One day, I looked in the mirror and said “This is BS, I can’t do this anymore”. I began to exercise, eat a balanced diet and lost over 40 pounds in about 12 months. I began to ride, swim and run and now enjoy triathlon immensely. My body fat went from 35% to it’s current 14.7%. While I am not thin, I am constantly hearing the same thing from friends and family. “You are wasting away, you are getting to skinny, your face is looking hollow, etc”. I just smile and think, you my fat friend ought to look at yourself in the mirror some time, but obviously never say a word.

This brings me back to my physician. Steve is about 5’-11" and is somewhere around 160 pounds and 6-8% bodyfat. He exercises regularly and is in very good shape. When I got to his house on New Years, he had not seen me for about 6 months. He knew I had gotten into shap because during my last exam six months earlier I had a great checkup. My cholesterol had dropped from 235 to 160 without medication and all other bloodwork was textbook. He told me that I was the poster child for a life changing experience.

As soon as I walked in, Steve ran over to me and commented on good I looked and how my body is continuing to get leaner. He was professionally being honest, concerned, and congratulating me.

The difference here is that I believe most non-athletes have accepted that being 20-50 pounds overweight is norm and acceptable. They have gotten used to seeing people at work, in the mall, at restaurants and in everyday situations carry this weight. It has become the look of the world. Anyone who then deviates from this norm is too thin, sickly, or underweight and not healthy.

Although I will probably never be 165 or 175 pounds, I feel proud and stoked to be in the minority of population and part of a group of fit athletes. I will never be a pro, I am too old for that, but being an age grouper soing something that displays my self confidence, my concern for health and life brings a smile to my face. I realish the relatives and friends who tell me that at 6’ and 200# and 15% BF, I am wasting away.

Go figure.
First congratulations.

Second, the “your face is hollow” is one I get now too and I hate that one. Someone told me last week I looked like I was sucking on a lemon. I should have told him he looked like he had a bag of marshmallows for a head.

Third, I think your next to last paragraph nails it in that being heavy is the norm to most non-athletes. My doctor too used to run marathons and while he is no longer thin/lean he still compliments me too on my progress. Funny that the only people that think I look good are my doctor and another triathlete…

18

I’m another guy who’s down 50+ pounds since 2005. The family comments have tapered off, as everyone has come to accept that I’m staying fit and lean(er).

Ironically, I was at a Christmas party and one of the women (who was fairly drunk) was talking about how she hated “guys like me who didn’t have to work to stay looking good”. It was funny because she never knew me back in my heavier days.

19

I think what you are saying, that not everyone understands, is that being called skinny can be an insult. They are differentiating you from “the norm” and that is no different than a fat comment.

I’ve been thin all my life. Graduated HS weighing 135, now at 42 I weigh 145 @ 5’10". Growing up I heard it all… chicken legs, poster child for C.A.R.E., etc.

At some point you just need to stop caring about what other people say. Especially if you are happy with how you look.

20

she hated “guys like me who didn’t have to work to stay looking good”.

I think is the cause of a lot of the less complementary comments.

The typical American is pretty darn fat, and they all have the same excuses; “I am big boned”, “It’s glandular”, “I have a slow metabolism”, “I don’t have time to excersize”, “I just look at food and gain weight”

Hardly anyone wants to admit that it really isn’t that hard to lose weight. So anyone who isn’t fat must have cancer or aids, because that is the only way they think they could lose weight.