Why cant I tickle myself, part 1.3 and 1.4 and 1.5

Life is an odd thing. We are all stricken with the knowledge that we, our parents, children friends and every pet we ever had would one day die – even imaginary friends and pets. There are days in all our lives when we change, we grow. These are days that affect us deeper than we may ever know. Something as simple as “there is no Santa Claus”…Easter bunny, tooth fairy…and yes young one – your Grandpa is gone, and won’t ever again come back. There is a day, and I don’t know what that day was for me that as a human I knew that I was in fact human…and yes; I was going to die.

I will never forget my grandfather’s funeral. I was homeless at the time – but often with friends. I was at a friend’s house, the day after a party. All my life I never drank or did drugs, I was the sober one at the party, and often the last to sleep. I woke up and had to go, there was something deep in me that told me that I had to go see my grandfather. He at the time was in a nursing home, one that was infamous for mistreating their residents. I had to go that day, and asked for a ride from a girl that I knew. I asked that she drop me off where he was at. Thankfully she did.

I walked into the home and walked down the hall towards his room. There is a smell, a smell worse than that of rotting flesh at a wound clinic. The smell is that of the dieing, shit, piss, vomit, cleaner, hair products, flowers, perfume, floor wax, lunch from the cafeteria, sheets, IV’s and on and on. Mix them all and they have a smell, the smell that all nursing homes have. The smell was to me on this day as pungent as the scent of a perfume counter at Macys. I am honestly not sure what was different about this day, I had to come…had to. I walked into his room, a room that he had been in for about eight months. He was a lively one, my grandfather. Always winking at the nurses, the occasional pinch on their rear…forever a smile on his face. This was a man who fought in WWII in the Pacific, after the war working and then retiring from the US Post Office. He had two daughters, one my mother…and was always well dressed, ironed and pressed, looking as if there was a very important meeting in just a couple minutes or so. In retirement he owned a marina on a lake in Wisconsin near Madison. As a child we would spend summers there fishing for crappies and watching sunsets. He was quite a success, I was so proud of him.

Somewhere along the lines he lost his right middle finger. Were there ever stories about how that was lost. Some of flipping off the wrong person, others about picking his nose, lost it in the war, a woman, a machine, working on a car, a tank, a plane and even taking the hook out of a fish’s mouth. I will never forget the time that as I was young he was trying to teach me to count to ten with only nine fingers. I am not sure what he thought about that day…but that day meant allot to me.

Walking into his room I saw his coat, he would never go out with out a coat, not even in a nursing home. I saw pictures of my mother and aunt, sister, brothers, cousins. His bed had neither sheets, nor pillows on it. I knew something was wrong at that point. I knew what happened, deep in my heart. I could not feel my feet as I walked to the nurse’s desk. I can not remember the walk, the smell was gone. I got to the nurses desk and could feel my body shaking. I could not speak, for the first time in my life I could not speak. I finally got out “where is he” and pointed to his room. I at that time was praying that he was at lunch, at my moms, anywhere just out of the room. The nurse, a woman who was about three hundred pounds wearing scrubs and quite obviously suffering from an inability to really care informed me that “he expired a couple hours ago” and added with a “who are you”. Not ever once bothering to look at me.

The party the night before was a good one. I had gotten laid by a girl I never knew her name…well; I guess I did know her name for a short while. I felt special and wanted. For many kids in foster homes feeling wanted is more important than eating. Another girl who I had always had a crush on drove me to see my grandfather. There she was, something told her not to leave. I did not know what her plans were, for some reason she came in and was sitting in the entry area of the nursing home. She saw me come out of the room and talk to the nurse, she knew.

We drove silently back to her house. Her parents were gone until later that afternoon…we walked in with out a word. I went to the stereo and put in a Jane’s Addiction CD and listened to Summertime Rolls. I don’t know that I have ever cried that hard. I had not cried a long time before that day, or after that day for that matter. Here I was homeless, penniless and now with out the one man that I thought I could trust in life.

That night I slept in a boat that was abandoned in a field. I would wake up every now and again and stare at the stars, long enough to notice them move across the sky. I must have cried for hours that night. I could not believe what had happened to my life, sleeping in an abandoned boat. I remember the sun burning my eyes as it rose, dew wetting my body and the vinyl seats in the boat. Shivering in the damp of the dawn I got out of the boat and started to walk about six miles to a friend’s house. My friend was not home, his mother however let me borrow a suit and tie. She drove me to the funeral home.

I got to the funeral home about two hours early and walked in. None of my family was there – no one was there. It was about ninety degrees out and I was in all black, pacing down the road. When I noticed that people where at the funeral home I went in…they let me see his body. I could not cry. When people started to come in I went to a hidden area of the funeral home. I never knew before that day that there were rules to a funeral. Family sits in one area, friends in another. I saw my mother, aunt, sister, brothers and other family members there. My brothers did not even recognize me; my sister could not even believe I was there. My mother and aunt were arguing over who loved him more – my aunt’s flowers were bigger so she must have, or so she thought.

Family sat on the left, friends in the center…I sat, on my own – to the right on a couch. A man who never even met my grandfather gave the eulogy. All were invited to my aunts after the funeral, my mother was sure to tell me I was not invited. I walked that day in the sun back to my friends, returned the suit wet with sweat and got my worn clothing back – cleaned thankfully.

I slept that night again…in a boat, in a field that is now a shopping center.

I have in the past said that IronMan was an odd thing. There are two ways to do IronMan; some people are running to something, others running from something. I had always run to something, until recently. Recently being the past two to three years, I began to run from something again.

Warmth is a thing that I today take for granted. I am quick to take the $200.00 electronic thermostat that I got – turn that sucker to 72 degrees and have at it. Summer time…70, may be 90 outside but I am at 70 with a blanket on to keep warm. I guess I today live the American dream.

It was cold. I was riding my bike towards the area my mother lived in. For some reason I liked to sleep in the laundry room of the building that she and her coke addict boyfriend lived in. I thought that if I was caught there I could explain my way out of arrest or something. I was not sure. By the time I got there I was riding my Raleigh Technium Pro in the snow with out a helmet, gloves nor even a hat. I put my bike in a storage area, and tried to lay in another. The nice thing about large apartment complexes is that they offer storage areas to their tenants. If there is no lock on the storage, chances were it was empty – and a place to sleep.

I left the next day and stole a Bicycling Magazine from a gas station. Greg LeMond had just won the TdF with aero bars. This was big to me; I read that over and over. That day there was too much snow and ice to ride my bike and I walked to the main area of the city. Frost bitten toes and ears were par for the course. There was an apartment complex that was in the center area of the city, nice one at that. I went into one of the buildings and into the laundry room. There were the storage areas, a place to sleep. I opened a door with out a lock and to my shock it was not empty. Matter of fact it was full, full of camping gear. That night I took about six trips from that room to a wood that were about two miles from the apartment. I that night took a tent, two sleeping bags, camping stove, air mattress, and oddly enough a large box of MRE food as the person who put that there was obviously in the military. I now had a home. I lived in that tent for about two years after that night.

I kept my personal clothing from that night on in an army ruck sack. That was my stuff; I officially walked around looking homeless. I had all my belongings with me walking through the snow in a pair of cloth Vans covering my black toes and worn out stolen jeans on. For a coat I would wore a Specialized jacket I had earned racing the summer before. I was ashamed and would go from place to place mostly at night, going to twenty four hour restaurants and stealing tips to pay for food for myself. At night I would go back to the tent in the woods and cram all of my clothing into my sleeping bags to try and pad myself from the cold.

The area I had my tent in was about a ten minute walk to some apartments and fifteen to a twenty four hour store that I could wander for warmth. In the store I could eat fruits and such with out attracting any attention; they would never notice a few grapes gone. I would often steal Cheddar Wurst and any other pre-cooked things that I could just eat with out lighting a fire near the tent. I was always afraid to light a fire as though I was in the woods; I was in the city as well and did not want to have my sanctuary found. Time went slow, to pass it I would read anything I could get my hands on, oddly enough the right book can make you forget that you are cold, wet, stinky and in a tent.

Life after I got the tent was not that bad really; I could keep myself warm on all but the coldest of nights. I had a place to go, a place that was mine that I was in charge. I had good sleeping bags, a tent to keep the snow off of me, a place to keep my things out of the snow, hell, a place to keep my things. I sometimes miss the days that I was in the tent. No one to answer to, no one to miss me. There would often be times in those days when I would go a week or so with out seeing anyone. You may wonder where I would eat. McDonalds dumpster. Every night they would toss a bunch of food that was still in the wrapper – that reminds me of another funny story that I will get to. Anyways, I had a place. What I did most of the time was read. I had this program with a book store, kinda like a trade in program. I had a book, I would go into the book store with a book, and leave with a book; often not the same book. I read everything I could get my hands on, that was a wonderful way out of the misery that was my life – that was my education. I once read a book called “The one true story of the world”. That book is today out of print… I would pay allot of money for another copy of that book. There was that “The Lottery Rose” and a couple others. I remember the Lottery Rose from third or fourth grade; little did I know at that time that the book would mean so much to me. Then there was the Hitchhikers Guide…can’t believe they are going to try to make that a movie.

There is a local college, Rockford College. Another place that I could go to and get warm, even sleep as people would think I was another student who just dozed off. There was an arts center here that had a phone that would make local calls. This is the phone that I would use to keep contact with people. I would come here to sit for hours on end, read, and of course call people. There were vending machines that I never could figure out how to get any food out of with out money, on TV you just shook the machine, which was just not real life.

About a mile from the school was a McDonalds. This was not the dumpster that I was used to raiding and I did not know the patterns of the trash at this place. But I had an idea. I used the phone book at the school and looked up the McDonalds, called and asked for the manager. Claiming that I had a bus with 20 kids in it I asked that they make twenty Happy Meals and we would be in soon as we were just down the road. The manager assured me on the phone that there was not an issue and that the Happy Meals would be waiting for the bus when we arrived.

That night, two bags in the trash had nothing but Happy Meals. They even left the toys in them. I took one of the bags and ate about 10 burgers and a couple orders of fries. I was full, and walked back to my tent with another couple happy meals with me. It was rainy that night and I actually ate the happy meals in the dumpster with the top shut to shield me from the rain. Happily I walked about three to four mile back to my tent in the rain and changed clothes, slept warm and full for the first time in a long time.

That was a night that I learned. I learned that if you order something and don’t get it, they just throw it away. Now you can do this at Pizza Hut with pepperoni, but you sure can with pepperoni and anchovies! After that night I would hit about every restaurant that had pickup service. I could hit the dumpster after close and there was my order, sure a bit cold maybe – but tightly wrapped was my order in packaging that I could take with me. I ate well for a long while. Sure, I was in a dumpster to get my dinner, sure was better than the homeless shelter to eat though. Though it was quite easy, McDonalds was a staple.

As I would walk about everywhere, and had no place to be at any given time – I could wander. Well, there was a place that had a bathroom I used often. This was a small shopping mall area where three was a restaurant that did mostly wedding receptions and what not. Well, this restaurant had a freezer that was not attached to the building, and was unlocked most of the time. This place was high class too, in the freezer was shrimp, steak, veggies, and on and on. Well, I took it all and cooked it on my fancy camper stove. I had shrimp with pasta, steak, you name it. They even would leave out entire full kegs of beer that I could sell to folks for $100.00 each. Did that a couple times. On occasion they would have Absolute or other Vodkas in the freezer, always worth money. I of course took advantage of that, what would you have done?

There was this time, before the tent, before allot of things. I was staying with my mother. It was in a small apartment – a far cry from the times when we had a seven bedroom, seven bathroom house where the live in maid had her own home in the home. This was a small two bedroom apartment with a small bathroom, and was in the bad side of town. Upper level apartment and my mother lived there with her boyfriend who was just slightly older than I was. She said that I could live there, and I was dumb enough to agree. This was after I was out of foster homes, after she stood in a court room telling the judge that I was the abortion she could not afford, and the worst mistake of her life.

She and he would fight often. I knew they were both on drugs, she had spent the TONS of money that she had got in the divorce. Fact is, if you give me today the money she got in the divorce, I would never work again, she though had spent her money on drugs. She could not just do cocaine, she had to do cocaine in Can Cun with all her friends.

I was staying there, one night I tried to get in, door was locked. I knocked, my mom opened the door and hit me in the face with a vacuum hose (the metal kind) and cut my forehead open with a gaping wound. Her boyfriend said I had stolen $2.00. I didn’t, but no matter, I was bleeding and walking back in the cold to a laundry room, then to my tent. I the next day got seven stitches to close the wound after the people in the homeless shelter I was eating at saw the cut in my forehead.

<<I once read a book called “The one true story of the world”. That book is today out of print… I would pay allot of money for another copy of that book>>

Try here and send me the difference:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0871133555/qid=1114875696/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/102-2382029-3763310?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

PM me for my mailing address;-)

Brett

It’s a funny thing about life (and death) in that we never seem to reacte in an expected manner to the death of a close family member. I feel as if I must be emotionally retarded as on the occassions of all four of my grandparents deaths I never cried or felt that I could. My Father’s parents died within 6 months of each other when I was 13 or so and I guess you could say that I didn’t understand what was happening or was emotionally underdeveloped at that time. However, my Mother’s parents died when I was in my mid twenties and we had been close, with them living a mile from us and I would visit them a minimum of once a week. But again no tears, no desire to cry either. I have no idea why this is, I had what passes for a “normal” childhood with a weight problem and the usual accompanying diminished sense of worth. So why do I feel this way? No idea, but then Chip, this life is all a conundrum and we have to try and work out our solutions as we go.