My mother, who always was a little bit crazy, is now 71 and is making me frustrated/pissed/upset/and everything else you can think of.
sure, she’s always been controlling, manipulative and mean, but now that she’s older, her mind is not as sharp and it’s even harder to deal with.
I try to keep my emotions in check/stay clam/be nice and patient, but it never fails that we argue, and she eventually makes my blood boil. This is awful because I would like our relationship to be more civil and nice–but no matter how much I want that…and even though I feel empathy for her…
The conclusion I’m coming to is: just because a person is older doesn’t mean that all of their bad traits are gone. They are who they are no matter the age. So, she’s just as mean and deceptive now as she was 20 years ago. This is the sad reality and I have to have even MORE patience in order to have a decent relationship with her. (which probably means holding the phone away from my ear so I can’t hear her bash my beloved father who passed away 3 years ago)
Can someone perscribe me some valum (however you spell it) or something?
OK, just had to rant–it’s very off topic, but felt the need to reach out. Please pray for me.
Reading your rant reminds me of my, and most women’s, relationship with mother. However, let me tell you a little something that may put things into perspective here. This is not meant to spank
My father, who lives in South Cali (I am now in NC), has been in a care facility since he had a stroke earlier this summer. He had fallen and broken quite a few bones so he is in a pretty bad state. When he was being treated we also found out he had bladder cancer but in order to treat that the medication for the other issues had to cease. I could go on.
He is still in that facility and has developed infections so severe anyone who comes near him has to be completely covered with a special suit. For this reason, he receives few visitors. He cannot hold a phone so they do not allow phone conversations. He is miserable and so am I.
Believe me when I say that this summer changed how I look at all my relationships, and not just that of my mother and father. As we all know, all of our days are numbered. Try as hard as you can to look past your mom’s pettiness and cherish the time you have with her because I think you will have an idea of how you will feel when she is gone. What helps me when my mom goes off is to listen, keep my mouth shut and let her know she has been heard. As women (men, listen closely), sometimes all we need is to know we were heard and understood, and then we will shut up.
maylene, I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. Dad’s have a soft place in my heart and I really feel for you.
I know my Mom went through so much when my Dad was so ill/passed away. This is the hardest part because I feel so much empathy, but I guess haven’t let go of the past and is the reason why I get upset. Everytime I talk with her I go through this. Next time I will take your advice and let her talk without getting upset. I appreciate your insights and tender outlook, kitty
I feel your pain. Don’t even start me on this. I am a voluntary orphan and a happy one. My life has been a lot less stressful since I made that decision.
You can’t choose your parents, but you can choose to rmove yourself from a conistently destructive relationship with them.
I thought Maylene’s advice was excellent. My mother passed away four years ago after a ten years of Alzhiemers. My struggle has been with my dad. But I follow much the same
listening technique as mentioned by Maylene. The rub is just because I listen doesn’t mean I have to agree. After he has stated his piece I draw my line in the sand. Many times this frustrates him because what he and I think are important are two very different things. Listen but stand your ground.
I just am recovering from my three weeks with my parents. (one month ago) There is a reason I live in Hawaii and them in Montana. My wife is at her mothers in Lousiana as I write this. I try and send her “home” at least twice a year. It is very hard watching Moms and Pops get a little bit more crazy every year. I guess I am looking for closure for my sake is the logic for me to go get tortured for a couple weeks a year.
Our parents grew up in a different era and may never understand us, nor us them, but none the less they are our parents. All I can say is hang in there and that murder is a Capital crime in all 50 states. If your parents are younger than me (52) please disreguard this post. Then my answer is to go clean your room G
What helps me when my mom goes off is to listen, keep my mouth shut and let her know she has been heard. As women (men, listen closely), sometimes all we need is to know we were heard and understood, and then we will shut up<<
As usual, Maylene is spot on. This is such good advice. I too have a treacherous relationship with my mother…but watching my boyfriend suffer from the unexpected loss of his mother (2 years ago on Thangksgiving day) has made me determined to do better. It really helps me to remember that my mother is not a peace with herself, this is why she treats others so badly. Coming from a place of empathy and compassion makes it easier to not take her attacks personally (even though they are personal!!!) and to not react.
And it’s a very good point that all most people want is to be heard. I am teaching my 10 year old son that…he often now says “so you’re saying that (then repeats back what I just said)”. Awesome, it can really diffuse conflict. He will make a great husband someday!!
I certainly agree with you about re-evaluating relationships but my dad and I don’t talk. Never did, & doubt we ever will. How do you even start? I mean sure, there’s the polite dribble but most of the time he just starts pushing those buttons left and right and I can’t take it! Family is important and my sister and I have gotten much closer over the years; but we’ve both pretty much given up on dad.
I focus my time and energy on those whom I really care for; I sometimes feel I don’t have enough for some, why bother with the people who don’t return the effort?
I used to battle with my folks all the time until I got a little older and started counseling others. I came to understand that, despite all the aggravations I suffered at their hands, it was the sum total of my life - where I grew up, who my parents were, where I went to school, even the failed marriage(s) - that made me into who I am today. If any one occurence were changed or deleted, I’d be somewhere else, and I’d be SOMEONE ELSE!!
Some folks think I’m a prick; that’s their personal issue, not mine. I’m pretty happy with who I am, and while I blamed mom and dad for all the problems, that sticks me with the responsibility of crediting them for all the things I am and do that I’m so proud of…
Face it, if she wasn’t who she is, you wouldn’t be who you are.
I too have the same relationship with my mother (she’s 64) that you do. Except mine possesses an even more powerful weapon…the family business. One that I have run for the last 8.5 years since the unexpected death of my father. The one that has made more money than she ever dreamed of while under my guidance. The one that continues to thrive and grow in spite of her meddling. The one that I am only a 20% owner of and have had the same amount of ownership since my father died. Apparently I have not been suffuciently reverent of her being for her to “bless” me with more of my rightful ownership. She continues to wave the business over my head in order to keep me in line. If I could remove myself from this relationship I would in a heartbeat but too much is at stake. Like my livelihood and financial future. Hopefully things get better for you. I’m not so hopeful…
Just because she is your mother doesn’t always mean that you have to put up with an infinite amount of crap. I know a lot of people feel that mothers get a free pass to act like jerks just because, but sometimes they’re just bad, toxic people. I like Tom’s “voluntary orphan” concept. People often ask whether I have regrets about not being in touch with mine, and whether I’ll have deep regrets when she’s gone. Nope, I think that she was anyone but my mother I would know to stay the heck away; being my mother, it took longer to figure that out, but it’s still true.
I certainly agree with you about re-evaluating relationships but my dad and I don’t talk. Never did, & doubt we ever will. How do you even start? I mean sure, there’s the polite dribble but most of the time he just starts pushing those buttons left and right and I can’t take it! Family is important and my sister and I have gotten much closer over the years; but we’ve both pretty much given up on dad.
I focus my time and energy on those whom I really care for; I sometimes feel I don’t have enough for some, why bother with the people who don’t return the effort?
I totally agree with your comment on focusing your time and energy on those that you care for. I have realized there are some “friends” that are just not worth my time to deal with. When those so called friends have lied to me, or acted in any way that can be construed as NOT friendly, they are gone. It’s a fairly new rule and seems to be working just grand. It’s not that I am rude to them I am just not their friend anymore and they cannot count on me as if I were.
Now family, I think you have to give more than a few chances. My cousin has a great saying: “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family”. I used to think I had the world’s most psycho family. Now I know it for a fact. I love them to pieces, all of them - might be cause I live 3,000 miles from them though And remember all those times you mumbled under your breath, “I will *never *do this to my own kids”? HA HA HA AH AHA HA HA AH AHA HA H AHA AH AH AH AH AH A AHA A HA
Get one with YOUR life. I voluntarily orphaned Dad for many years - too many. I couldn’t stand the drinking and the anger. However, what it was that I dislike about him was really what I most despised about myself. I was really the one who was angry. I got over and got on with MY life and now we at least have a workable relationship. I mostly try to control the amount and circumstances of the time we spend together. That’s My choice. It’s not ideal. He’s still not one of my preferred people to be around, but it’s as good as it’s been in the past 20 years. Mom is another story. She’s had a (ahem) life partner for more than 25 years and isolated herself from family members to varying degrees, most currently complete isolation from all family members for the last 3 years. No words, letters, phone calls, nada, nothing, nil from either side. Be grate for what you have. You can never know when you won’t have the 2nd opportunity to overlook your mom’s faults when she’s gone. Be grateful that you have a mom today.
Mom is another story. She’s had a (ahem) life partner for more than 25 years and isolated herself from family members to varying degrees, most currently complete isolation from all family members for the last 3 years. No words, letters, phone calls, nada, nothing, nil from either side.
I wonder if your mom thought you all were accepting of her lifestyle that she would act differently? just a thought
The conclusion I’m coming to is: just because a person is older doesn’t mean that all of their bad traits are gone. They are who they are no matter the age.
Bingo! This is a HUGE realization, a very wise one. I think you are going to find her easier to deal with when the hope you have nurtured that she will one day be the mother you wanted/needed, is gone. Best to ya girl!
And keep walking past those open windows… (John Irving quote for those who are John Irving challenged
