Triathlons and training don't cause divorces - spouses do

Triathlon Forum
1

Divorce, training and triathlon is such a repetitive theme in thread comments.

  1. I don’t think we have any data that says that triathletes are more likely to get divorced than the general population.

  2. And if a triathlete gets divorced it could be about the other person, not the triathlete.

For many men, a divorce is about the money. Have you heard of the prodigal father/husband who didn’t die fast enough for them to get the money? In most cases in the USA, women file for divorce, get the kids and have the men over the barrel (which is why we are scared to f*ck about divorce).

Being a triathlete is in there with any number of things that a spouse could throw down as they list the multiple reasons to divorce you. If you are living life in fear that your spouse might divorce you and where they influence you but you don’t influence them, then that might put you on course for a divorce while making your married life miserable too.

2

You’re right that I haven’t seen any data that triathletes her divorced more often than the general public. Where I think there might be a spike is where some triathletes out there tend to forget we’re not pros, and certainly in my case at age 37 and still a BOPer sometimes MOPer on a good season with a couple age group podiums I’ll never even come close to becoming a pro.

When triathletes forget this, and even those like me who remember sometimes we get a little obsessed. A life full of buying $500 watches, and skin suits that only make you a couple seconds faster. Falling asleep early because you’re exhausted from the days long workout. Skipping out on family time because you HAVE to get that long run in. We’re all guilty of these to some degree. But we have to know when to draw the line.

From a training perspective I’ve started out the year really good. As far as hours logged goes at this point I had the best January I’ve ever had, and ytd definitely one of my best overall winters (with that said last year was terrible and I’m still playing catch up). Now this week has been a pathetic mess, I’ve had 3 rest days and one of them gasp was a weekend. But that’s because I had a metric ton of family stuff to do. Seeing that my family is more important than Kona itself that I am no where near qualifying for much less the local races I’ll be in this year I do my family duties.

So I took a couple extra rest days this week to prepare for my step daughters 11th birthday and another rest day to celebrate it. I also ate a ton of crap I wouldn’t have normally eaten, and am going to a birthday dinner tomorrow. Let’s not forget Valentine’s Day either (I realize this part of the post could be in the cry like a little biatch thread). But to the original point some triathletes just don’t get it. They would have just sulked in the corner and had fruit. They would have left their wife to do the prep and cleaning, or at least more than her share. They spend all their money on Zipps and new pedals. That stress adds up. It takes its toll. Tri doesn’t cause problems. But neglecting your family for a hobby, no matter how demanding and awesome that hobby is, very well may.

3

I’d say, from what I know, divorce is usually a pretty complex issue. Sometimes a partner has an affair and makes it pretty straight forward but even then, there were other issues that led to the affair.

Seems like triathlon=divorce is too simplistic of a statement.

4

A lot of the time, an affair is a symptom of some other problem in the relationship. Happily married people don’t tend to have affairs.

I think triathlon can lead to marital problems when you prioritize it ahead of your relationship, but that goes for any hobby. If you’re golfing every other day at the expense of family time, for example, that could easily lead to discontent.

Like a lot of marital issues this can all be fixed with a bit of empathy and communication.

5

Happily married people don’t tend to have affairs.

“little secret of the trade…they ALL jump”

6

Happily married people don’t tend to have affairs.

“little secret of the trade…they ALL jump”

What?

7

I’d say, from what I know, divorce is usually a pretty complex issue.

Or simple. One or both partners become disillusioned when the hormonal charge, or fantasy beliefs and expectations that brought them together… fade. In other words the partner is no longer “making them happy”. Isn’t that your partner’s duty?

8

Duh.

She comes with me to the pool and swims a little while I do my thing. She also likes long walks so we go somewhere where I can run loops and she can walk opposite way so we can say hi to each other when we meet. She has a beach cruiser bike so sometimes she’d ride that alongside me on my long runs.

There’s always a way.

9

I’ve seen several where the wife finishes up college or whatever expensive education they need to start their career and then they land a job and they split after a couple pay checks, Myself we sold our house and tried to buy another but decided to rent instead. With that huge chunk a money sitting there it didn’t take long.

10

There was a study done in the 80s. Ironman triathletes had the second highest divorce rates. Number one was jet fighter pilots.

11

I’ve seen several where the wife finishes up college or whatever expensive education they need to start their career and then they land a job and they split after a couple pay checks.

Ouch. As my family’s breadwinner supporting my stay-at-home husband, that hurts. As does the general assumption that triathletes are male, dealing with an unsupportive wife.

I have a failed marriage because my ex husband wanted to do nothing but sleep until noon and watch crappy 80’s movies. I gained almost a hundred pounds during that marriage.

My current marriage is great because my husband supports my goals. Some of those are athletic, some of them academic, and some professional. And I support his desire to stay at home and be my domestic partner, because that’s what makes him happy.

Now, I say this from the middle of a 2:30 trainer ride, while he puts his new amp (that my salary bought him) together. Maybe it’s that communication thing?

12

There was a study done in the 80s. Ironman triathletes had the second highest divorce rates. Number one was jet fighter pilots.

I am only a data point of one, but I am going on 24 yrs of marriage this summer and have IM #15 and #16 this year. She would like me to drop back to just 70.3s but only because I am getting older (she is 13 yrs younger) and she worries about the physical toll on me. We must have a great marriage because last month she got her first and only tattoo … my name in an infinity symbol. Communication and working together are key.

13

Duh.

She comes with me to the pool and swims a little while I do my thing. She also likes long walks so we go somewhere where I can run loops and she can walk opposite way so we can say hi to each other when we meet. She has a beach cruiser bike so sometimes she’d ride that alongside me on my long runs.

There’s always a way.

THIS !! Fit the family in. And don’t make them feel like its a chore to do so.

I’ll trot along at the back end of a park run, so my wife has some support doing those. Its a good recovery too, I can stop and do some stretches, etc. And it suports her. Win - win.

I’ll take my daughter swimming, after the playing about and swimming with her, I can still smash out an extra 800m in the time between her getting out and me getting out (as teenagers take AGES to get showered / preened / dressed !). And sprint stsrt oractice by giving her 10 secs head start on a length. (Ok, i have to cheat these days… 5 sec max or I’m way behind !)
And she can ride her bike around a local lake whilst I run alongside.
Or they take the dawg there to walk… I run the other way around. When we meet up, I turn around and continue the family walk with them.

Also my other half has got involved with our tri club, on the socials, running feed stations on local races etc. She has a new set of friends, who are very supportive of each other to do what they can (lots of folks are newbies, some folks with medical issues that limit them but still are doing what they can … and many people are not wanting to do an IM or podium, they are in it for cameraderie and just generally improved health.
Now they go swim together, yoga, etc.
And she can better see and understand why I’d want to swim for 2 hours in a lake, or put in a 100 mile ride, or a 15 mile run (even tho she has not desire to do those herself).

And this year is exam year for our daughter at school. So I’ve backed off to reduce time pressures, be around to do simple things etc. No races before the end of exams. No full IM or the volume of training needed for it this year. I’m in Tri for the long haul, I’ll be back to full races next year.

14

https://www.gq.com/story/fortnite-ending-lots-of-marriage

Never mind triathlon it is fortnite. At least for people that use online divorce websites.

That is my non-serious answer

15

There was a study done in the 80s. Ironman triathletes had the second highest divorce rates. Number one was jet fighter pilots.
Oh shit. OH SHIT. My plane isn’t a jet fighter but still…

16

Whole lot of sexism going on in this thread, sounds mostly like a bunch of sour grapes about their divorces. Glad to hear your perspective on it. I work, my wife works but she out-earns me by about a factor of two and I’m fine with that. In between, we fit 10-20 hours of training into our weeks, depending on the season and goals. While there are pretty clear fitness gaps between us, we make it work so that training bonds rather than pulls us apart.

If all it took was “that sum of money”, or god forbid, her own career (and financial independence, gasp!) to have your wife file a divorce, then I’m sorry - that marriage wasn’t going to last. The title, though, is pretty accurate: Spouses do - it takes two to tango and if you obnoxiously let training take over your life, no partner - male or female - will put up with it.

17

Duh.

She comes with me to the pool and swims a little while I do my thing. She also likes long walks so we go somewhere where I can run loops and she can walk opposite way so we can say hi to each other when we meet. She has a beach cruiser bike so sometimes she’d ride that alongside me on my long runs.

There’s always a way.
Try any of those “solutions” with one or more small babies/children.
What if she’s not interested in semi-participating in your sessions?

Sometimes the “way” is to ditch most of your triathlon training, stop being a selfish ass, and and get realistic.
Claiming this is never warranted or necessary is just delusional, or shows a severe lack of insight.

18

…Fit the family in. And don’t make them feel like its a chore to do so…
Am I the only one who thinks this line is both hilarious and pathetic?

Surely your family are at the core of your life, not something to be “fit in”?
Maybe this just comes across badly, but it reads like you consider your family to be the problem which needs managing.

Lots of the comments here and in other threads on ST seem to imply that we all have a right to spend a sufficient amount of time on triathlon to meet our goals and that anyone who cares about us should really support that. the truth is that this level of time expenditure is a luxury. It’s feasible if you’re single or unemployed. It’s probably feasible if you’ve a partner or spouse, but no kids and don’t work big hours. Otherwise, it’s a luxury that can probably only be indulged by sacrificing things most people consider far more important. Like: caring for kids if you have them, spending plenty time with a spouse/partner, a social life, doing your share around the house, Facilitating your partner/spouse spending some time on his/her interests.

Let me put it to you this way.
What if your wife wanted to spend 10-20hrs every week painting landscapes, and thought that was fine so long as she included you by allowing you come along and take some photos from time to time…even if you weren’t really interested in photography :wink:

If I was a partner/spouse of many of the posters on ST, I’d be reconsidering my life after reading some of their posts on this topic!!! (not specifically this thread)

19

My current marriage is great because my husband supports my goals. Some of those are athletic, some of them academic, and some professional. And I support his desire to stay at home and be my domestic partner, because that’s what makes him happy. Now, I say this from the middle of a 2:30 trainer ride, while he puts his new amp (that my salary bought him) together. Maybe it’s that communication thing?

This is an age-old set-up; but it generally involved a level of acquiescence to maintain it.

20

Any successful family must balance the following:
-the identity of the family unit as a whole (spouses + kids)
-the identity of the married unit (spouses together)
-the identity of the individual (each adult on their own)

Without a balance of those, no matter the hobby or work/life balance, a family doesn’t work. It isn’t a marriage without two. It isn’t a family without all. And a person isn’t a person without themselves.

So, with this topic, I’d like someone to define the amount of time that is reasonable per week for a spouse and/or spouse and parent to have for that last category.

This would include time spent alone taking a REAL lunch break at work hours. Not working through lunch, but doing what you want for it.

I’d say for a working nuclear family that an individual should “average” about 45min per day to themselves.

For folks with kids, I feel like too many allow their kids to do stupid shit like stay up till 10PM as toddlers and young adolescents. No kid under middle school age has any reason to be up past 8:30 or awake before 6AM. None.

It’s your own fault if you allow some of what should be “spousal time” each evening to be wasted because you’re a friend to your kids instead of a parent and let them do WTF ever they want.

Also, you gotta do dates with each other.

Lastly, you gotta figure out how to optimize your PT. If you’re into racing anything, you need to suck it up and do some HIIT at lunch times and then eat at your desk. You gotta get up early on Saturday for a long workout. Gotta maybe commute by bike to work one day a week.

You also can’t be a huge television or sports fan and also do something like racing. Too bad. Keep up with it while on the trainer or at the gym. Don’t veg out on TV or things like that when it isn’t your PT time. Do your chores or be present otherwise.

I think sometimes people get disillusioned with ANY hobby if when you are away from your PT you don’t bother to be “present”. If you turn up the effort away from the hobby I bet you’d notice a difference.