TL:DR Is it fair to expect a nearly adult teenager to be doing things around the house and to act civilised towards their family in return for ongoing support and favors? Our perception is that his world is a case of the tail wagging the dog.
I’ve written a lot about my 17.5 yo’s mental health issues here. The toll it has taken on our split family, but his mother in particular, is significant. We are all down to merely existing these days. We do our best to at least give the younger two some respite when we can find the energy.
He is back attending weekly therapy, but that will cease mid this year when he turns 18. To be honest, neither his mother or I feel like it makes any difference, because we see no evidence of change. When we do get to speak to his therapist, they will talk about how he has made great inroads. All we see is a moody young man that does what he likes, doesn’t lift a finger, demands things and then turns angry and violent (to his own belongings) when we refuse.
Hot topic 1:
Over the Xmas break I brought him into my office, taught him some basic CAD skills then gave him some drawings to progress for my civil engineering projects. The hope was that maybe we could engage him as a vacation student on a minimum wage and give him some purpose. But I wasn’t going to have him be a burden on our drafting department. He was keen and did put some effort into it, but he was hot and cold. He had my old lap top and could run the programs from home but he would still make that work around his own ‘life’. In other words, he would continue sleeping in until 11am (or later), maybe do 1-2 hours, go to the gym for 3 hours or so (don’t ask), then start again at like 9-10pm. Of course I would need to authorise his remote logins and at times I would miss the notification. This really didn’t work for me because we had actual drafters that would do the work if I could not get him to beat them to it. The remuneration was difficult to calculate because he was so hot and cold and at times I would finish off things myself. As an hourly rate, it was not much at all, but then even when he was in the office I would see him on the phone, staring out the window (it IS a great view) and otherwise distracted. So I could only imagine what he was like at home when no one was watching. Anyway he has been accusing me of not paying him for all his work. For my part I saw it as training him up to give him more meaningful, formal work. He got about $350 for the experience, spread thinly over a few weeks of sporadic work.
Hot topic 2:
He has been hounding me for access to the modest sized portfolio I set up for each of the three kids. It’s got perhaps $7k in it. He wants it to buy a car. He hasn’t got his licence yet because he doesn’t have the hours accumulated. We don’t feel inclined to take him driving much because he doesn’t do a single thing to help anyone or clean up around the home. He basically thinks it is his and I am holding it from him. I did say years ago that I was setting them up to use for big things like education, a first home deposit or (yes) a car. But given his actions and current state of mind I feel it would be irresponsible to just let him at it. I see him buying something that could turn into a lemon (I know nothing about cars), and just continuing to drive to the gym or to otherwise non-constructive destinations. He claims he needs it to get a job (i.e. an apprenticeship). I pointed out that thousands of people get to work by public transport every day. I’ve told him when he’s strung together 6 months of consistent, constructive behaviour we can talk about it.
He told his mother that all we do is attack him and that we don’t support him. We feel we’ve put our lives on hold for him. We tried a new private school, we took him to army cadets which he quit on, we’ve given (or found) him work which he’s quit on. We have attended copious therapy on his behalf. We got him gym membership. In return we get a seemingly violent, selfish child that has everyone walking on eggshells. He bullies his mother into taking him to the gym (perhaps 1.5 km away by foot) and she relents because she can no longer deal with his angry outbursts. The only time he comes out of his room and opens his mouth it usually starts with “Can I please have…” or “Can you please take me…”
His mother is broken. I went around this morning with some takeaway breakfast hoping to talk to him about our last communication. To try and point out that there was a difference between attacking someone’s character and pointing out unacceptable behavior. It was 10am , he’s asleep in his bed with the airconditioner cranked on him. He mumbles “No” when I ask him if he wants the food I brought. I go see his mum with her coffee. She too is laying in her bed staring into oblivion, not wanting to talk ‘about it’.
I don’t feel like caving into his demands is going to solve anything. It certainly won’t ‘buy’ sustained, good behavior. In my view it is fair to impose conditions and limits to support. But then I know my cynical outlook on life these days can cloud better judgement.