One day after an 80 mile bike ride, Ms. Vagina was sore. After driving home, and pulling her Cervelo P2SL off the rack, she said to Mr. Profile Design saddle, “I like you a lot Pro, but after about 40 miles, I start to hurt in the front.” Ms. Vagina continued, “We have had a pro bike fitting and I have the best bike shorts money can buy, but it still hurts after a lot of miles”.
Pro was worried. “Ms. Vagina, I don’t want to hurt you, what can I do to make it more comfortable for you?” At this time, Ms. Chamois Butter hopped down off a shelf and rolled out of the garage and said to Ms.Vagina and Pro, “If you use me regularly and bring me along on the ride, I know I can help you feel better on your long rides.”
Then, the nosy neighbors, Mr. and Mrs Fizik who lived on one side of Ms. Vagina’s house walked around the fence and into Ms. Vagina’s driveway. Mrs. Fizik said, “We couldn’t help but hear your soreness issues, dear.” Mr. Fizik chimed in, “You know, if you put one of us on your Cervelo you wouldn’t be sore at all – ever!” He continued, “The professional Vagina’s use our saddles on their bikes more than any others”.
Next, the extra nosy neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Adamo poked their saddle shaped noses over the fence, “Don’t even listen to them”, said Mrs. Adamo. They are full of crap. We are the ultimate in comfort. You could ride the Tour De France on us with your bare ass every day and never chafe!”
As if it couldn’t get worse for Ms. Vagina and Pro, Mrs. Tiny Chamois from down the street had been walking by with her dog, T1, and heard the entire exchange. She now chimed in with her nose in the air, “Your bike shorts are simply too thick. Thinner is the only way to go!”
Then it got ugly. Ms. Adamo told Ms. Tiny Chamois (otherwise known around the neighborhood as, “Little Miss Smarty Bike Pants”) to take T1 and ride off to where the “Sun Don’t Shine”. It was chaos after that. Everyone was arguing and yelling and there was Chamois butter being scooped up and flung every which way.
All of a sudden, a big thunderous boom came from the sky. “Shut Up!”, said a loud, deep and downright scary voice. Everyone did shut up and stared up into the sky. “I am the All-Knowing God of all things Triathlon. I am the voice of reason. My name is Slowtwitch”.
Ms. Vagina was the first to speak. “Oh, please all knowing God Slowtwitch. Please tell us all something we haven’t heard of already! What can I do about my front quadrant soreness?” Slowtwitch replied, “I can help you, Ms. Vagina”. “Thank you, All-Knowing God Slowtwitch."
Mr. Taint is clueless, and therefore not qualified to respond. That is precisely why Mr. Taint is going to respond.
Ms. Chamois Butter is good for topical irritations and discomfort, and therefore could benefit Ms. Vagina, if that is where Ms. Vagina is experiencing her discomfort.
If it is deeper down discomfort, I would think that Mr. and Mrs. Fizik have the right idea, although, I would recommend a visit with their nephew, Tri Arione Fizik.
Most of the misters in the Mr. Taint clan tend to go with the idea that less is more. Specifically, for us guys, thinner noses and thinner chamois’s (sp?) tend to be more comfortable for Mr. Taint and Mr. Junk. How this applies to the other clan in this neck of the woods, will require input from them.
Don’t forget to use the chamois butter! I forgot in transition and paid for it. I have raw chafing on one side…can’t wear undies yet.
BTW- I use a terry saddle. Not too aero, but ok for long rides. I don’t think anything is going to feel ok unless you just numb yourself silly with lots of riding.
Stacy, I am familiar with your story. I use a Terry saddle with a cut out, lube, shave (eliminates hair pulling) and always wear fresh shorts with minimal seams. There is no easy answer and I wish you luck. All you need now is GI distress while you run and you and I could be best triathlon buds.
And the powerful Slowtwitch saideth in a booming voice, “Get a Specialized Jett 143 saddle Ms. Vagina. It has a cut out middle and therefore won’t even touch you when you ride.”
Once the Selle SMP TRK Lady Saddle marched onto the scene,
The old Terry saddle was given away,
70 mile rides in a simple tri short became very comfortable, and
the chamois cream was relegated to the closet because it hasn’t been needed for a year.
I was out on a run yesterday and was thinking of a creative way to ask a question that has probably been asked a million times before. I had fun and it made the run fly by.
