The Top 100 Things I’d Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not bekept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by theDragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The sameapplies to the object which is my one weakness. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, beforeyou kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’llsay, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say"No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be marriedimmediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in threeweeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unlessabsolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large redbutton labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “DoNot Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupidenough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearlybe labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feelno need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leavingmy weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected beforeimplementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least haveseveral rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead atthe bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well asany accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after theaforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set itto activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just puttinghis plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughablyunder-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it wouldprovide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful asshe was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’dbetray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will notindulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to missunexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjustto accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create originaluniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offsthat make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, orsavage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troopsto have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and trainmy troops in their use. That way – even if the heroes manage toneutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energyweapons useless – my troops will not be overrun by a handful ofsavages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths andweaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, atleast I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AMINVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will neverconstruct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructibleexcept for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellionare, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperateto kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisonersent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. Allimportant systems will have redundant control panels and powersupplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fullyloaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards,and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. Myfoes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no sourceof comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will bereplaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide nounexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or hissidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who bringsme bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengersare hard to come by.
I won’t require high-ranking female members of myorganization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with amore casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from blackleather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made youlook diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member ofGeneration X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the samecell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, Iwill keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handingout copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror arelosing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trustedlieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling oroffspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeancetowards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainlynot ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek outmy opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have anunstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often aspossible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get hisdog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capableof untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when Icapture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my powerand good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let herin on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money.Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things likeeven the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who isresponsible for what in my organization. For example, if my generalscrews up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here isthe price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some randomunderling.
If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man.What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill theadvisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest todestroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead ofwaiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic ortechnology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is everbroken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which candestroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead Iwill send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad inthe local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operatingsystem that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM andMacintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern overthe conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediatelytransfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects andsurveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages andabandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll nevermarry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” andkill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will havetheir place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out onimportant covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will firstsee if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract lessattention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basicmarksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked todecipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code inunder 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies topasswords.
If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on sucha mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response thatsatisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves orprotruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in afirefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, notcompactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense aboutflames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of allextremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which couldprove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically availableterminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearlymarked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the ExecutionChamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage OverflowContainment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner.Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the padfor fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating thatsequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guardswill be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as afull-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in thepast. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare themagain, they’d better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babieswill be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placedin foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creaturesof the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they willalways travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so thatif one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other willimmediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead ofquizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see ifhe/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squadof marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strangedevice and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weaponinstead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win arigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible forthem to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plandesigned so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand thedetails, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave itlying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero enmasse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off andattack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up afterhim and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. Iwill also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of arope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to givethe hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I willretain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is outof earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be takenalive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it isreasonably practical.”
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverseswitch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and madeinto limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will sendout my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively strongerones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform,have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behindme and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turningaround to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standingin front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalancedstructure.
If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in hisgoblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order newdrinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not toswitch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step ishorribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacredaltar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse."Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I willnot berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to trythe task again.
After I capture the hero’s superweapon, I will notimmediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believewhoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held theweapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhaustedand obviously agitated until my personal grooming or currententertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunthim. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me newinsight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alonefor a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to thepath of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and anunderling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero isscheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staffcomplete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and hiscellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch atrauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting thecontrol panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the controlpanel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I willcarefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy andaffectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forcedthem together against their will and they spend all their timebickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittentoccasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point thereare hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in amindless trance, I will provide each of them with free slowtwitch.com access.