Yesterday afternoon my ex messaged me to advise that a year 9 student (-15) took their life the night before. The child had a sibling in my younger son’s class. It turned out later that my sister is good friends with the mother.
The news was more poignant in that my older son, who attended the same school, was around the same age when he attempted to hang himself. As I rode home from work late last night I wept for the family, who may have been planning school break holidays (which start today), but more so I wept for the child. Someone so young should not have to feel so alone and so upset. The thoughts going through their young mind to tip them over the edge…
The Prinicpal sent out a lengthy email including avenues for support. He spoke of the importance of conversations with your children. It made me wonder how many parents have pre emptive discussions with their children or only if they notice something obviously wrong. Hindsight has given me a new perspective in how I might otherwise have reacted to my oldest going off the rails in the leadup to his attempt.
There’s another side to the conversations though. I wonder more so how many parents have had conversations with their children about the importance of respect and not making the lives of their peers difficult? Everyone likes to believe their child is an outstanding individual towards others. Clearly this is often not the case. Access to mobile phones and the scourge that is social media make it so easy for children to torment others.
I think there’s a lot to explore there. And unfortunately, bullying is certainly easier than ever now w/ phones and social media. I’m genuinely worried for when my kids reach that age.
My daughter is 8, and a very sensitive soul. She has started to receive some bullying, and man, it is so heartbreaking to see. The most disturbing part is hearing her negative self talk afterwards. I don’t know where this inner monologue comes from as my wife and I have always been encouraging of her, positive and really try to help her build her self esteem. My parents were hyper critical and I’ve made it a point to not be that way.
It genuinely makes me worry about her teenage years because I feel like she is the type of kid who will really struggle with anxiety, people pleasing, and low self worth.
Or son on the other hand walks around like he owns the planet. No idea how we got two completely opposite personalities in our kids.
We talk about both sides with our boys (13 & 9). The oldest has no interest in social media and stays out of the school drama. By will stick up for his friends in real life situations.
The youngest was involved with some bullying behavior a few years ago. There were a lot of talks and his TKD instructor was also helpful.
But yeah - we are always talking and checking in with them.
While only 6, we always emphasize with our child that we want him to be kind to others. We don’t stress grades or sports, we just want him to be kind and have fun. He’s smart, he will have a good life, but he can also help spread happiness around.
I came home from school at that age to find my sister, 4 years older, on the floor, and the phone ringing from 911. She attempted via pills, and fortunately called 911. Therapy and meds have helped.
This was 30 years ago.
I still recall on this forum, when Robin Williams passed, a former poster commented something along the lines of he was chicken or less than becuase of the choice he made.
This to say, I find it good to read school responses seem to have changed for the better.
That’s terrible. I have empathy for the family and all those in the orbit and effected.
having investigated far too many juvenile suicides, one thing I noticed is that the family is almost always the last to know that their child was suicidal. Frequently, the family would know the child was struggling but not the extent. Also, juvenile suicides are frequently spontaneous and irrational (I won’t argue that all suicidal is irrational … that’s a different discussion) with a response that is far out of line with the triggering event.
For example, girlfriend breaks up with boyfriend because that’s normal for teens. Boyfriend has an over the top, extreme reaction and commits suicide. These are very hard to predict and de-escalate.
Many, maybe most, parents IMO over-estimate the influence they have on their kids and drastically under-estimate the influence their peers.
Another thing I learned is that the cruelty of teens knows no bounds; especially teen girls. Some of the cruelest and most vile behavior I’ve seen was done by teen girls on other teen girls. But that’s another topic for another thread.
Hug your kids tight and let them know they are loved.
Sometimes that happens because the family is not paying attention and/or is a large part of the problem.
That may sound harsh, but that is a reality for a lot of suicidal kids. The fact that a lot of you are talking to your kids about this and other issues is a really positive sign. Too many people blow off their kids mental health problems as just a phase, what do they have to be stressed about, they’ll grow out of it, how can they feel pressure, …
There are a lot of reasons kids commit suicide. Bullying plays a role, but that isn’t the end of the story. A lot of kids are left like they are living on an island and no one cares. Or thinks they have to perform or achieve certain ways in order to be accepted. The kid that sat next to me in junior high band, no one saw it coming. But you could have if you had looked closer. Spending time with your kids individually, and not just near them or as part of bigger group, but actually with them doing things they like, is a big big thing.
Three suicides at my HS during my time there.
Kid on my son’s travel hockey team committed suicide.
Elementary school girl in my daughter’s class committed suicide.
That kinda reminds me of the cliche of the woman being cheated on being the last to know. With kids I think often ones who are sensitive don’t want to upset/burden their folks.