I’m interested in others opinions especially those in significant relationships where one partner wants a tattoo or body art and the other doesn’t want them to get it. What are the reasons to allow them to get it or not get it, or should you be able to do what you want with your body regardless of how your partner feels?
When I met my girlfriend I only had two regular size piercings and no tats. I was married before for 11 years and my wife at the time put the hammmer down and said absolutely no tattoos. Now I have been with my current girlfriend for 1.5 years and am engaged. I got my first tat last year and even though she wasn’t a fan didn’t say much.
Recently I was wanting another tattoo which at first she was dead set against but later was ok with the idea and I got it while she is on a girls vacation that I had issues with but regardless she said she won’t like it either way so I could do it while she was gone.
This fall I moderately stretched my piercings to a 4 guage which basically looks as if I have slightly larger earrings than normal. I think regular size piercings on men or particularly me tend to look a little too feminine for my taste. She wasn’t aware that I had stretched my ears until now when I brought it up in an email. Now she is freaking out saying that I need to choose between her and wanting another tat.
I have two tatoo’s (before I got married). At one time I was considering another one. Now, my husband H.A.T.E.S all tatoo’s, piercings, etc. Unlike your situation I’ve never been given an ultimatum. Rather, he has just firmly stated his preferences and has left it up to me. Because I love him and because I won’t ‘die’ if I don’t get another tatoo I’ve decided against getting any more. Honestly it’s really not that big of deal (for me) and since he hates them so much I almost see not getting one a way I can show him I love him.
Now as far as the ultimatum you were given. That in itself is a flag for me. It’s a friggn tatoo. To end a love based relationship on a tatoo…leaves me to question what you will have to face in the future. Honestly if you wanted one that badly and I was your girlfriend and hated them (as much as it sounds like she does) then I would ask you for a compromise. I would ask you if you would be willing to find ‘the perfect’ tat that you want and make it your last one (or some kind of compromise that would work for both sides). So, essentially everyone gets what they want. The one-sidedness that you’ve explained kind of leaves me freaked out for you and your future.
I strongly encourage you to sit down with your girlfriend and have a long talk about what you ‘both’ want.
What are the reasons to allow them to get it or not get it, or should you be able to do what you want with your body regardless of how your partner feels?
Simple, you’re an adult, as long at’s legal no one can tell you otherwise, it’s your choice. That of course leaves both parties in the relationship with a decsion. For the person wanting (Note this applies to everything not just tats and piercing) they need to decide is this THAT important to me that even knowing it will upset my partner I would do it. If it is then have at it. A person can’t “give up” everything simply because “I think it will bother someone else”.
Of course the person on the other side, the non wanter (Again applies to everything) has to decide, A) is it worth me getting upset over and or B) do I want to stay with a person that does “X” and or are we compatible.
It’s pretty simple really and in the end there’s really nothing to even get upset about. If you want it and it’s important to you and you express it to the SO make a choice. It’s the SO’s responsibility to deal with their issues.
Obviously if you’re running around screwing everything that moves, that’s one thing and the “Decisions” made will be different than the results of “Hey I really want to go out with the guy’s tonight”…despite the fact she wants you to stay home.
In the end, not much is worth getting all upset over. Either do or don’t do…there is not try
I don’t know; I guess if she is a person you want to marry and this is something she is not into you are going to have to think about how important the tats and stretched piercings are to you. Is another tat that important?
What are the reasons to allow them to get it or not get it, or should you be able to do what you want with your body regardless of how your partner feels?
Allow? Yikes. I personally wouldn’t want to feel like I had to get permission.
Discussion, yes. Permission, no.
I can understand some concern with stretching a piercing because that is something you cannot hide and people will judge you very quickly. That said, it is completely your choice.
I have 3 tattoos. My husband was excited when I got my first because he has a little one from when he was a teenager. We got our second ones together and I got my third a couple years ago which included a re-do of the one I got with him. We only have one agreement with tattoos, no NAMES unless it says “Mom”. I’ve given him my opinion on location of where he wants to get a new one but I’d never stop him. My three can be hidden, one on each ankle and one on my shoulder blade.
I have only a few things I’ve said are the true ultimatum and they are serious offenses such as infidelity. Otherwise, it is his decision. We have both made some stupid ones and we express our opinions but we are adults and we respect that.
I wouldn’t put up with him deciding that I cannot do something that is outside of the few rules we have. I wouldn’t put up with him telling me I can’t go on vacation with my friends, I can’t get another tattoo or I can’t get some part of my body pierced. I will always listen to his opinion but ultimately the decision is mine.
You are a grown-up and I assume she is too. This is the perfect opportunity to make some decisions on where your boundries are, what the fundamental rules of the relationship are and how you will handle big disagreements going forward.
should you be able to do what you want with your body regardless of how your partner feels?
Why would you want to do anything regardless of how your partner feels?
Your post makes you seem really quite selfish. If that is not the case, then you need to ask yourself why you have seeming driving desire to piss off your fiance. Maybe you are not ready to be married again? Or maybe you don’t want to marry her?
Hey dumbo if you want to stretch your ears go right ahead. You want to get all inked up knock yourself out. I already think people like you are freaks, so why stop now.
I’m not intending to say I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want regardless of her feelings. What I’m asking is what are people’s opinions regarding what is a fair request to ask of your partner regarding their interests/views on self expression. This could relate to tastes in music, clothing, activities etc. If ones partner said I don’t like the time and money you spend on triathlon and if you keep doing I’m outta here what would you say? It’s finding the balance between what is meaningful to you and respecting your partners feelings/desires. In every relationship there are issues like this, mine just happen to be centered around body art but it could be anything–hanging out with friends of the opposite sex, staying in touch with ex wives/husbands-boyfriends/girlfriends etc. Where is the line between honoring your partners wishes and your partner honoring your desire to do certain things that they may not be crazy about.
Well you are entitled to your opinion about body art but just because it isn’t your thing doesn’t mean it makes someone a freak. Pierced ears and tats whether you like it or not (at least where I live) are pretty mainstream with both men and women.
Many people not in the sport of triathlon would say parading around in skin tight lycra with loud clashing colors and shaved legs are a bit far from the norm as well to put it nicely if not seriously thinking they are “freaks.”
You are coming at this from the wrong perspective. In your mind it is all about what you want instead of what your fiance wants. Talk to her and tell her why it is important to you. Ask her why it is important to her. After you have had that discussion tell her that you will honor her request on the body modifications and see where it takes you. By the way, there are no lines.
You might want to consider the opinion of future employers.
I own a business and hire people to deal with the general public.
I’m not interested in a sales person that puts people off on first sight.
People with visible tatoos and aggressive piercings are entitled to mutilate their bodies. They are also entitled to feel that their behavior is normal and mainstream (though it is not). It might feel normal and mainstream because they hang out with their friends, all of whom also have ink and tackle about their faces.
…but they are not entitled to work for me, where I know that my customers view them as freaks.
I’m already employed as a university professor. I teach in the fine arts where it is not necessary to look like or please vanilla joe public. Most of my students have way more body art etc than I do and since the majority of my students are all twenty somethings they are pretty open minded to different looks/opinions.
I think it’s interesting that we are having this discussion on MLK day. Forty years ago some might say if you didn’t hire a white person customers would be offended or bothered by dealing with someone of color. Sure we have cultural “norms” but there is a spectrum, and yes, there are those who are on the extreme but judging someone as a freak for having a tattoo or pierced ears seems very superficial and narrow minded.
I’m finding myself agreeing with Brick and Pedalsauras Tex, which means I probably need to reevaluate my opinions on this.
I really find it funny that you think that floppy ears look more masculine than regular earrings. They definately look like something, but more masculine wouldn’t have been my thought.
Having been married for 25 years I have some knowledge of how to stay in a relationship. If you think your cute little pics are more important than her feelings then you may as well punt now. There’s lots of things worth fighting about, but this ain’t one of them.
